Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 17, 2009

Ann Coulter Is Just Not That Into Anyone

Margaret,  after reading Chapter 6 of Ann Coulter’s book I am convinced that Ann Coulter hates me.  And I am sorry to break it to you honey, but she hates you too.  In fact, there are roughly 6.8 billion people in the world and Ann Coulter hates every last one of them… except for maybe George Bush and Sarah Palin. 

This chapter is titled “When 95 Percent of World Domination Just Isn’t Enough…”  which seems to have nothing to do with anything contained in the chapter.  It should have been titled ” 95% of Ann Coulter  is pure bullshit… and the other 5% is pure bullshit.”  It occurs to me that reading a Coulter book is like drinking the water in Mexico – eventually you find yourself wondering if the shit will ever stop.

The entire chapter seems to be one long argument over whether Bill Clinton’s scandals while in office were worse than George Bush’s scandals while in office.   Of course, Ann doesn’t think there were any scandals of note while Bush was in office.  In fact, Ann felt Bush’s biggest failure was that he spent his entire time trying to appease Democrats.  I can only assume that Ann has no idea what “appease” means.  It’s kind of a big word for her.

I really can’t explain this chapter other than maybe Ann didn’t think anyone would read this far into her book.  I may have indeed gone where no man has gone before when I finished this chapter.  That’s one small step for me and one giant foot for Ann.

Margaret, you’ll have to forgive me if my summation of this chapter is a bit wanting.  Ann’s thought process was even worse than her sentence structure so I don’t intend to spend anymore time on this summary except to say this:

Bill Clinton cheated on just one person – his wife.   George Bush cheated on… well 6.8 billion of us.  You tell me which is worse.

Before I go, I want to briefly move on to a more relevant topic – not that Coulter is relevant ever – but reading this chapter made me realize that the two political parties seem to be in a no-win war to see which one can screw things up while blaming it on the other.  I am just disgusted with the entire House and Senate right now.  For years I took care of a husband and raised three kids.  If I ran my house like they run the government, I would have never gotten food on the table to feed my children.  Who are these idiots?

To the morons running this country:  If you would spend as much time working on the nation’s problems as you spend trying to avoid paying taxes, you’d realize that most of us out here are neither red nor blue.  We’re varying shades of purple and we’re fed up with your nonsense.  Get together and figure a way out of this mess.  Trust me – you don’t want me to come up there and figure it out for you, because if I have to come up there your ass is going to be introduced to my foot.  It may not be a gigantic foot like Ms. Coulter’s but it will get the job done.

And with that, dear Margaret, I need to take a nap.  This book is boring the hell out of me, but I only have one chapter left.  I can’t wait to move on to something more enjoyable than Ann Coulter – like irritable bowel syndrome.  I mean it really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 10, 2009

If Ann Coulter falls in the forest and nobody hears her… can we just leave her there?

Margaret, chapter 5 is a real lulu, but I definitely think Ann Coulter wrote this one by herself.  I know that I have suggested a couple of monkeys and possibly a sloth wrote the first four chapters, but this one sounds like the diary of an angry middle school girl so it must be Coulter.  You can almost hear her screaming “Why don’t you like me?” on pages 136 to 181.   Well, it’s just sad really.  You almost feel sorry for the “girl”… almost.

Coulter – who has never been married – makes the case that Republicans lose elections because at least one of their ex-wives is sure to tell a lie about them during the divorce proceedings.  That horrible liberal media will then use that lie against them years later when they are running for office.  It’s a tough argument to make but fortunately for Ann the party of family values and traditional marriage has a lot of candidates who are poor examples of both.

According to Coulter, Obama only became President because most of the “guys” he ran against were divorced – some of them more than once.   Lucky for Obama that he is happily married.  By the way,  I put the word “guys” in quotes to emphasize another little theory that Coulter has going.   Any Republican who isn’t man enough to use negative campaigning to beat a Democrat is (and I quote) “a swishy, mealymouthed, gutless, sitting-down-while-urinating, spineless girly-girl…”  Now that is pure poetry.  There is no way a monkey could have written that even if the sloth was helping.  That, dear Margaret, is pure Coulter.

Throughout Chapter 5: They Got the Sex, We Got the Scandal,  Ann is obsessed with the sex lives of  politicians.  It’s all she seems to talk about.  I have to admit that I blushed more than once reading Ann’s tawdry descriptions.  In fact, there was this one politician named Bill Clinton who evidently had an affair or two or three, and Ann just can’t stop talking about it.    Apparently it didn’t get enough media coverage and that doesn’t sit well with Ms. Coulter.  It’s almost as if  Ann is a bit upset that this Clinton guy didn’t try to have an affair with her.

But while Clinton should have been thrown in jail for his sex scandals, Senator Larry Craig and Congressman Mark Foley didn’t do anything wrong because they didn’t actually have sex.   Craig merely tried to have sex with a stranger in an airport bathroom and Foley merely tried to solicit sex with teenage congressional pages.   Evidently getting caught before they were actually able to make good on their intentions isn’t fair in Coulter’s world.   Gee.  I wonder how she feels about attempted murder?   After all, nobody is dead yet.

[If you haven’t read the book or don’t know Ms. Coulter personally, you might think that I am misrepresenting her words.  For that purpose I wish to quote her here without edit:  “Consider that Republicans Jack Ryan, Larry Craig, and Mark Foley were all forced to withdraw from politics for sex scandals that didn’t involve anyone actually having sex.”   I am not clever enough to make this stuff up.  Coutler does it for me.]

At 46 pages,  this is Coulter’s longest chapter in the book, which doesn’t say anything really other than Coulter takes longer to make her case than a couple of monkeys.   But if you give Coulter enough pages eventually she gets around to the smartest, most politically astute Republican ever to run for office- Sarah “I saved Alaska from the Russian invasion”Palin.   According to Ann, the media went looking for a sex scandal on Palin and didn’t find one.  Without a sex scandal to hold her back, Palin is the ideal candidate.  Because for Coulter, that is the benchmark.  If a Republican doesn’t have a sex scandal hidden among all the other skeletons in their closet then there is no excuse for them not to be voted into office by a landslide.  Now that benchmark seems a little low to me, but if your knuckles drag the floor like Ms. Coulter’s, most things tend to appear loftier than they really are.

The chapter goes on and on, taking lots of turns and unexpected departures from the initial theme of sex.  Obama’s lack of torrid affairs, ex-wives or salacious emails to teenage boys  gives Ann a real challenge.  How do you make a case against him if he’s  just a decent guy.   That is so unfair.  But never fear.  Ann has Obama’s number.  Mark Foley might have tried to seduce teenage boys but Obama compared Palin to a pig when he used the age-old expression, “You can put lipstick  on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”  Nevermind that Obama was referring to McCain’s campaign strategy and nevermind that McCain had used that very same expression to discribe a policy proposal of Hilary Clinton’s.   Ann is quite certain that Obama was referring to Palin because everyone knows when you are talking about lipstick on a pig you are really talking about Sarah Palin.  Because Sarah Palin is a pitbull with lipstick… no I mean a pig with lipstick… no I mean a pig that looks like a pitbull… no I mean… I mean Sarah Palin is either a pig or a pitbull wearing lipstick.   Finally Ann and I can agree on something – if a pig, a pitbull and Sarah Palin were all standing on a street corner, I would have trouble telling them apart too.

Margaret, I ask you,  if a book falls in the forrest and doesn’t make any sense, is it really a book?  And if it’s not really a book then the monkey who wrote it really isn’t an author… right?  I guess what I am trying to say is this –  if Ann Coulter makes up a lot of crap and puts it on a piece of paper how is that any different than what I do with a  roll of Charmin after my morning bran muffin?

Five chapters down and two to go.  It’s messy work but somebody has to do it.  Thanks for sticking with me.  I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 6, 2009

Does Ann Coulter Have Opposable Thumbs?

Margaret, you are the only person for whom I would do this.   Reading Ann Coulter’s book is like chewing aspirin without water.   I just finished another chapter and I am sitting here wondering if anyone has actually seen Ann using complex tools like a ball point pen or say… I don’t know… a toaster?  After reading the 4th chapter of her book I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she actually doesn’t even have opposable thumbs. I could be wrong, but it is hard to believe that the person who wrote this book is also capable of fine motor skills.

You might have to read these next lines more than once.  It is very difficult trying to summarize the logic being used by Coulter in this chapter titled: Witless Witnesses to History.  Try typing that 10 times with no opposable thumbs and a size 17 foot in your mouth!  I can only assume she was under deadline and needed to fill some pages. 

According to Coulter, some Republicans are idiots because they write books calling other Republicans idiots.  Now Margaret, help me out here. Ann is calling some Republicans idiots for writing books where they say nasty things about other Republicans, but in this chapter alone Ann trashes about a dozen Republicans for doing this.  So doesn’t that make Ann an idiot a dozen times over?  I hope you can follow that because I read the whole chapter and I am still confused.

Now if the chapter was written by say – a sloth – then I might understand. But this book is written by a #1 New York Times Bestselling Author. It says so right there on the jacket cover above the picture of Ann.  Come to think of it, Ann is not only hiding her feet in that picture, she is also hiding her thumbs.  I wonder…

Basically the chapter is making the case that the media loves it when Republicans turn on one another but tends to ignore it when a Democrat turns on a Democrat.  I guess Ann never turned on the TV or opened a newspaper during the 100-year war otherwise known as the  Clinton-Obama primary elections.  Of course turning on a TV and opening a newspaper is more difficult when you don’t have opposable thumbs.

Look folks.  This latest chapter is just stupid and I am not going to waste any more time trying to explain it.  If you buy the book skip pages 111-135.  Ann must have been off her meds while writing them.

And there is another chapter I would like to close as well.  That would be the chapter in history where anyone cares what Dick Cheney has to say.  I feel bad too because Dick and I are both senior citizens, although at age 103, he now has 20 years on me.  You realize, of course, he is now aging in dog years.  That happens to you after you pee on the White House lawn a few times.

You know what Dick?  Shut the hell up.  You had eight years to scare the American people into hysteria so that you could get away with murder.  And I use the word murder not to complete an expression, but rather literally.   It was an illegal war.  If it were up to me we’d throw you in a cell and read Chapter 4 of Ann Coulter’s book to you non-stop.

Sorry I got off-topic there everyone, but you seem to do it all the time in the comments so you can’t hold it against me.  Three chapters to go and then we can leave Ms. Coulter behind.  Hang in there.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 4, 2009

Ann Coulter: Guilty

Margaret, I know you haven’t seen the book , but the jacket cover has a picture of Ann Coulter in a pretty, black dress with her hands on her hips looking like she is ready for a fight.   Well, having finished Chapter 3, I have determined I can take her skinny ass.  

They say that given enough time, a hypothetical chimpanzee typing at random would, as part of its output, almost surely produce one of Shakespeare’s plays. If that is true, then two monkey’s typing for ten minutes could have produced this book and Tom Daschle’s tax returns with plenty of time left over to pose for the picture on the jacket cover.

Basically  Ann uses 38 pages to suggest that there is no such thing as negative political ads from the Republican party.  Evidently Republicans can only tell the truth and no Democrat has ever served their country honorably in the armed forces.  Seriously. This woman argues that there is no Republican Attack Machine and then goes on for 12 pages talking about how successful the Swift Boat Veterans were at attacking  John Kerry.   The reason Democrats lose elections is because the Republicans point out the truth, but the reason Democrats win elections is because Republicans are never allowed to point out the truth.  Sound confusing?  Welcome to the world Ann Coulter.  

Did anybody out there know that Barack Obama was loosely tied to a terrorist named Bill Ayers?  Really?  Because Ann was dissappointed that the story never got out.  By the way, according to Ann, if you follow the trail far enough Obama can be linked to Charles Manson.  It would have come out in the election but the liberal media squashed it.

The entire chapter reads like the diary of a mad woman who wants us first to believe that the “liberal-biased media” is all-powerful while simultaneously claiming that Fox News is the most popular news source ever.  Kind of the way those kind-hearted Republicans wanted us to believe that Obama was a Muslim who attended a really horrible Christian church.

I have to admit.  I really do understand how people can easily get caught up in this line of reasoning.  I do it all the time when I try to convince myself that the size of my ass has nothing do with the amount of pie I ate.   But no matter how hard Ann wants to argue there is no Republican Attack Machine, the fact is the Republican Attack Machine  has big feet and I have a big ass.

The more I see Ann Coulter on talk shows, the more I realize you can judge this book by its actual cover.  If you take off the book jacket to reveal the cover, there is no picture – just the author’s name and the title.   Ann Coulter – Guilty.   I guess the jury is in.

Well Margaret, I will continue reading until I have finished even if it kills me.   But I have managed to put down the book long enough to catch the news.  It appears that Obama doesn’t walk on water.  He actually admitted that he made a mistake in handling the nomination of Tom Daschle as his health and human services secretary.  Can you believe that?  A President who admits he made a mistake when he makes it rather than years later when he is leaving office and trying to fabricate a legacy.  It gives me hope that  whoever classified Ann’s books as nonfiction will one day also admit their mistake.

So that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 1, 2009

Come Ann Coulter or High Water

For those of you just joining us, I am summarizing Ann Coulter’s new book for my friend Margaret so she doesn’t have to buy it herself.   It’s kind of my version of Cliffs Notes except I call it Hell ‘N Notes because reading an Ann Coulter book is like visiting hell… only this time the devil wears Prada in a ladies shoe size 17.  They should give me a medal for this kind of sacrifice!

Chapter 2 – Victim of a crime?  Thank a single mother

Now Margaret this next chapter is fantastic.  It is some of the most creative writing I have ever read.   You probably had to have been dropped on your head a few times as a baby to follow her logic, but clearly Ann’s head doubled as her father’s basketball while growing up because she seems to actually believe what she’s written.

Let’s start first with the title of the chapter – calling upon victims of crime to place the blame on single mothers.  Considering her entire first chapter was a thesis on how there are no real victims in the world, I am left scratching my head. Which is it Ann – victims or no victims?

According to Ann, single mothers give birth to the lowest forms of life ever to walk the face of the earth.   And again I am left scratching my head because at the same time she makes the case that we shouldn’t teach children about birth control.  And then, for no apparent reason except that maybe she gets paid by the word,  she throws in a paragraph or two about how abused women have only themselves to blame because they date bald men with tattoos and everyone knows that bald men with tattoos abuse women.  Conclusion – don’t date Bruce Willis?   Ouch.  My head hurts reading this shit.

I am only on the second chapter which means that Ann has five more chapters to outdo herself.  However, I find it hard to believe she can top this next part as her crownning achievment as a bitch: on pages 51-52 Ann lists seven cases of single mothers killing their own children.  In two of the cases Ann found it appropriate to make a joke.  No kidding.  She made jokes about murdered children.  Don’t believe me?   I’ll type one of the cases here without edit:

In 1998, twenty-five-year-old single mother Tami Lynn Richards left her two children, three and one and a half years old, alone in their apartment while she went to a bar to drink and listen to a band.  One of the boys set a fire when he was playing with matches he found in the apartment.  Both boys died.  On the other hand, from what I hear, the bar band was pretty awesome.

Gee. Do you think that Ann came up with that last joke before or after she danced on the kids’ graves?  I find it odd that she is making the case that children of single mothers overwhelmingly grow up to be criminals and yet argues the case by giving examples of children of single women who were murdered long before they grew up to become these reputed criminals.  Seriously folks, this is one hell of a messed up broad.  Applying some of Ann’s amazing logic, I can now emphatically declare that all skinny white bitches with abnormally large feet named Ann Coulter grow up to hate children.  And if you give me enough time I am sure I can site a report or study to prove that point.

But truly Ann is one  of the great “thinkers” of our time.  She doesn’t just list what is wrong with the world;  She also has the answer that will make everything right again.  Her well thought out solution?  Keep your knees together before marriage.

I had to put the book down and go over to the computer to look something up at this point – OK, got it.   Ann Hart Coulter was born on December 8, 1961.  She has never married.  So Ann is 47 years old and hopelessly single.  Conclusion – men don’t want to have sex with a bitch who has enormous feet.  So back to the book…

I read the rest of the chapter because I said I would and I do what I say… regardless of how much it hurts.  But Coulter is some kind of crazy and it is hard to sum it all up without sounding like I am  being unfair to her.  In truth she makes some very interesting observations.  Of course, some people find war reenactments interesting so it’s all kind of relative if you think about it.  Here are a few examples of Coulter’s brilliant mind at work:

Single mothers are worse than cigarette companies – page 59

Children of single mothers become rapists and serial killers – page 61

Shotgun weddings should be celebrated – page 71

Ann Coulter has gigantic feet – jacket cover

Actually you can’t see her feet on the jacket cover but you know they are there, big as ever.  Basically Ann’s entire argument consists of finding a few dozen cases where a single mother or her child made a really bad decision and then conclude quite literally that single mothers in general are the absolute worst problem facing the world today.  Evidently she hasn’t paid much attention to the little problems we are facing like war, pestilence, famine and Sarah Palin.  By the way, isn’t Sarah Palin’s daughter a single mother? I wonder how long before the grandkid grows up and kills someone?  The hypocrisy is frightening.  But I am sure Ann must have her reasons for spewing so much vile and misleading information.  Of course, until I have actually walked in her shoes, I will never fully understand the burden of freakishly large feet and how that might warp one’s outlook on the world.

For those of you who think I am being a bit hard on Ann and in particular her gigantic feet, let me spell it out for you.   You know what they say about big feet right?   Well, in Ann’s case the shoes fit.  Here is the other joke she made about murdered children.  Reprinted without edit:

In 2003, single mother Amanda Hamm, twenty-seven years old, drowned her three young sons, aged six, three and twenty-three months, so she could move to St. Louis with her boyfriend.  It would have been a lot of trouble to bring the boys with them.  Apparently, the prospect of hearing “are we there yet?” for eight hours was just too daunting for Amanda.

So you tell me.  Am I being too hard on her?

Well Margaret, that brings us to the conclusion of another chapter from the best selling author, Ann Sasquatch Coulter.  I think I’ll go pour myself a strong drink and pull out my fingernails.  But do come back soon because I will eventually find the strength to read the next chapter. I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 29, 2009

Ann Coutler Almost Failed Obedience School

So I made some calls and found a copy of Ann Coulter’s new book at a used bookstore here in town.  I was happy to know that my dollars would not go to support her, but I am a bit worried about a book that ended up in a used bookstore two weeks after it was published.  Now Margaret told me she probably couldn’t find a Coulter book new, used or otherwise where she lives, so I told her to relax.  I’ll read it and give her (and all of you) a summary here.  Sort of a my version of the old Cliffs Notes concept.  Do they still have those?  

When I’m done anyone wanting the book can send me their address and we can mail it around until everyone has read it.  That way no one has to actually buy it firsthand.

Anyway, here is the Hell ‘N Notes version of Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and Their Assault on America by Ann Bigfoot Coulter

Chapter 1 – Liberal Motto: Speak Loudly and Carry a Small Victim

Now right off the bat I am a bit disappointed because Ann’s having a law degree led me to believe that she would be able to write intelligently.  Apparently she can’t.  I know they say that when you write for the masses you should strive for an 8th grade level vocabulary, but Ann must have lowered the standards a bit realizing she would be writing exclusively for an audience of right-wing conservatives. It appears she choose to write at an obedience school level.  And even then she barely gets a passing grade in my book.  Here is an example:

“Today there are more men who are sexually aroused by women in stiletto heels crushing live frogs to death while talking erotically to the frog than there are members of the Ku Klux Klan.” 

Basically this first chapter is Ann’s attempt to make the case that racism really doesn’t exist and victims really aren’t victims.  According to Ann you should never help a victim because they are either lying about being victimized or they deserved it.  Seriously.  But then she does an immediate about-face and says the only real victims in the world are (were)  “George Bush, the duke Lacrosse players, Joe McCarthy, Jesse Helms, Tom Delay, the Swift Boat Veterans, and Sarah Palin.” 

Then she writes a few pages dedicated to Fox News which she suggests is the most respected and respectable news outlet in the universe.  To prove it she points to the fact that it has higher ratings than MSNBC.  There seems to be no apparent reason for the pages about Fox News.  I can only assume those pages  guarantee her a closed desk when she appears on Hannity and Colmes so her feet don’t show up on camera.

Now I know you think I am exaggerating or otherwise misrepresenting Ann’s words but honestly the woman really is an amazing yarn teller.  She suggests the O.J. verdict is proof that racism doesn’t exist and Barack Obama was race-baiting when he referred to himself as black because he should have described himself as  “half white”. 

Really.  You can’t make this stuff up – unless you are Ann Coulter.   My favorite part  is when she claims “the poor” are actually counterfeit victims.  That’s right folks – George Bush and Tom Delay can be victims but a poor person is either lying about being poor or deserves to be poor.   Well I am glad Ms. Coulter has lots of money because when you are poor it is hard to afford designer shoes in a size 17ww.  By the way, for some unknown reason Ann likes to put lots of individual words in quotations  like “poor” and “racism” to suggest that those concepts really don’t exist.  It’s an awkward writing style and kind of bothered me as a reader, but maybe Ann is just “smarter” than I am.

Her concepts are vague and she tends to paint with very broad strokes… sort of like a kindergarten student.   Considering Ann didn’t go to kindergarten, opting instead for obedience school, all I have left to say is:  Down Girl.  Down…  Now stay.

Well that’s all I’ve read so far.  It was only one chapter but the book reads like a grade school primer so I imagine this series of posts won’t take too much time.  Do come back soon.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 27, 2009

Apparently Ann Coulter’s feet are as big as an Emu’s

As far as your comments go – the more the merrier.  Knock yourselves out.   Margaret and I appreciate the attention.  Really we do.  But you have to remember that besides a considerable number of years on this planet the only additional information we have access to is the same information you have access to:  We read. We listen to the radio. We watch TV.  And we apply a little common sense.  We are more than happy to hear opposing points of view.   We certainly don’t profess to be perfect.  For example,  I thought some of you were leaving comments about a bunch of flightless birds that were somehow being starved to death by Sarah Palin.  Margaret had to explain to me that those would be Emus but you are talking about a serious issue in an Alaskan village called Emmonak.  It is located in the Yukon-Kuskokwim Delta and some people who live there need our attention.  Who knew?  You learn something new everyday… and really isn’t that the point? 

So in the spirit of learning something new everyday, Margaret and I each decided to write about something new we have learned recently.

helen-mug1 FROM HELEN
I did a little research and besides learning that Emus are the largest birds native to Australia, I learned that Ann Coulter is one nasty bitch with really, really big feet.  Now her being a nasty bitch really isn’t anything new.   After all, this is the woman who got upset that some of the women who lost husbands in the 9/11 attacks were actually supporting John Kerry for President. Coulter suggested that they were self-obsessed women who didn’t realize the attacks were against the nation as a whole and not just their husbands.  She went on to call them harpies whose husbands might have been wanting to divorce them anyway.  Well that my friends is one nasty bitch… but you knew that.   Nothing new to report here.

Now the big feet part is really just an opinion.  My daughter-in-law attended the US Open  last year and said she saw Ann Coulter sitting a few rows over.  She noticed that Ann has enormous feet.  But enormous would be relative based on my daughter-in-law’s personal experience about the normal size of a woman’s foot.  And maybe her having enormous, Emu-sized feet is a new fact for you, but it really isn’t much to write home about. In truth I don’t even know the actual size of an Emu’s foot, however,  I would imagine it is large… even compared to those gigantic hoofers on Ann.

But I really did find out one new fact about Ann Coulter.  New for me anyway. I did a little research and found out her middle name is Hart.  Now that is Hart  not Heart.  No “e”.   But trust me on this one.  When it comes to a heart, she is missing more than just the letter “e”.

margaret-mug1 FROM MARGARET
Helen, dear, there hasn’t been a day in my life that I didn’t learn something new. Now mind you, it’s not always something news worthy but I do learn something new everyday. Just yesterday I learned that I get an additional percentage off my grocery bill when I use their nice new canvas tote bags. I had been using them anyway because I was so tired of all the plastic bags that I have acquired over the years. I used to have a special drawer in the mud room where I would stick all the plastic bags. However, that soon became filled and I decided to have a nice new kitchen trash can just for my plastic bags. Well, that worked fine until my Howard kept emptying his plate and any other trash he could find into my nice new kitchen trash can. How he didn’t see the large red “Plastic Bags Only” sign I put on the swivel lid is beyond me.

Anyway, if your local grocery store offers you canvas tote bags instead of plastic bags do take them up on the offer and ask if they give you a discount for using them.  It really is a good idea.  Now, if I could just remember to bring the canvas bags each time I go to the grocery store that would be something.

One other thing I have learned recently:  Ass Hats like feet come in all different shapes and sizes, dear.

That’s it…I’m done.

Well, I think we are done for today.   Thanks for stopping by again.  Now go out and learn something new.  We mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 23, 2009

Kiss My 83 Year Old Ass

The election is over.  Barack Obama is now President Obama and  Bush has slithered back to Texas where I am sure he will drink himself into obscurity.  Palin seems to have been successfully de-clawed for now.  I have sworn off Rush Limbaugh and The View, and Fox News was never really an option for me.  So… now what do I do?  I think I might read a few of  that big-footed Ann Coulter’s books and then point my “guns” at her scrawny ass.   She bugs me almost as much as Palin so this could be fun.

But until then, I would like to comment on that Ass Hat who has been posting as Anonymous:

“And where were YOU the past 8 years? Only ready to go because a Democrat is POTUS? Reading through this blog, the “verbal vomiting” that is used towards anyone that has dared to disagree is astonishing. The attacks on Republican politicians, pundits, or anyone that dares think differently are shameful. How hypocritical.”

The better question is where were you?  Let me tell you where I was.  I was in shock that we had a President saying “I am the decider”  like some toddler upset that his parents told him no more candy. We were turning a blind eye to torture. The President’s answer to everything was war.  We celebrated lower taxes while ignoring the massive debt that was building.  It was as if common sense had disappeared entirely from the White House.   For God’s sakes at one point Cheney claimed the Vice President wasn’t a part of the executive branch nor was it part of the legislative or judicial branches.  Bush’s entire Presidency was an utter failure and at times the nation held him in lower esteem than it did Nixon during his resignation.

So Anonymous, if we didn’t have anything good to say these last eight years it is because there was nothing good to say during these last 8 years.  Nothing.

And if you don’t like what I have to say then you can kiss my 83 year old ass because on this blog I am the decider. I mean it. Really.

And while I am on a roll… the same thing goes for all these Republican jack asses in the Senate and House who suddenly have an opinion about everything.  Shut your pie holes.  You had your chance and you blew it.

It’s nice to have an intelligent person in the Oval Office again.  I mean it.  I really, really mean it.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 20, 2009

Yes. We did.

Yesterday, I tuned into Rush Limbaugh as I sometimes do.   It was funny at first because it sounded like he would explode trying to understand why everyone was so excited about Barack Obama’s inauguration – or as he called it, the immaculation of the messiah.  It was funny at first but then he said this: The only reason this is such a big deal is because Obama’s Daddy was black.   So I turned Rush off for the last time.  He like so many others has now become a relic from the last century.

What he and Hannity, Coulter, Boortz, Beck, Cheney, Rove, Hasselbeck, Palin and even Bush will never understand is exactly why this  is indeed a very big deal for more than just the African-American community.  For so many of us, these last 8 years have been a slow, painful near-death experience of something we had held so dear for so long – Faith and Hope.   No matter how hard things had been in the past, Americans always held on to their Faith in our country and Hope that better days lay ahead .  But 8 years ago we lost Hope and we lost Faith.   Elections could be stolen.  Personal rights could be taken away.  The price of a barrel of oil was worth more than the very lives of our children.  Our vote no longer counted and our voices no longer heard.  Our leaders – in whom we had given our trust – had failed us. 

But with Barack Obama we decided we would not go quietly.  We took hold of the last bit of Faith and Hope left in us and we gathered our strength for one last fight.  No. We would not go quietly.  We would not go quietly at all.  We would march and we would call and we would write and we would give and we would  listen and we would respond and we would vote.  We would rise up and take our country back and we would do it for our children and our grandchildren and for our soldiers and for the world and yes even for ourselves.  No.  We would not go quietly.

Today as millions stood on the Mall and millions more sat in front of televisions and computer screens, we watched as Hope and Faith placed its hand on the bible and said:

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

And this time Mr. Limbaugh  cannot fool us… nor can Ms. Coulter insult us… or Elisabeth scream over us… or Mr. Rove scare us… or Dick Cheney hide from us… or even President Bush lie to us.  Not this time.  Because this time it was about Hope and it was about Faith.  This time we said, “Yes, we can.” 

Thanks for stopping by everyone.  I’m going to go now and check on Harold and then call my children and my grandchildren and even Margaret.  And I am going to re-live every blessed moment about today with them.  Because yes, we can.  Yes, we did..  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 18, 2009

Glass Houses

Margaret, I think I might need to take your advice and watch less television.  I’m not sure my blood pressure medicine is strong enough to take one more talking head on the news suggesting that history will somehow place George W. Bush in the same league with Abraham Lincoln.  Historians by their very nature have long memories not short ones.  Bush is an idiot now and will still be an idiot 100 years from now.   Thank God this eight year fraternity party is finally coming to an end.

But it’s not so much George W. who has me flabbergasted.  You would have thought his departure would have instantly increased the IQ level inside the Beltway.  But while the entire nation is singing  “ding dong the witch is gone”  members of Congress  seem to forget that they’re the only ones who have a lower approval rating than the jack ass himself.  Talk about glass houses.  Congress gave Bush a blank check.  They allowed the continuation of an illegal war.  And they looked the other way while the White House took away our basic civil rights.   This all happened while the fox watched that little hen house we call the Capitol and now Congressional politicians are coming out of their holes to  pontificate on Obama’s every move before he has even been sworn in – much less starts a war.   It’s sort of like Rhoda telling Mary that she looks fat in that dress.

On Tuesday the whole world will be watching with hope as well as anxiety.  The last time that happened our elected leader told us all to go shopping while he and his band of merry morons planned for war.  Well, the world is watching again and this time I am pretty sure our elected leader has something a bit more profound to say.  So maybe, just maybe, Congress needs to sit down, shut up and start trying to work together with the President and finally lead our nation into the 21st century as the beacon of hope it could and should be in the world. 

And for goodness sakes maybe the media could find something more profound to report on than Michelle Obama’s inauguration outfits.

Thanks for stopping by everyone.   Celebrate on Tuesday because on Wednesday we have a lot of work to do.  I mean it.

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