Margaret, they passed a $2.2 trillion dollar stimulus package. For years we’ve complained about failing schools, homelessness, hunger, affordable healthcare, clean water, clean air… Who knew that the real problem was the Cheesecake Factory not able to pay its April rent?

One trillion dollars is a big number. Very big. At first, I thought it was a hundred billion, but I was a zero off. It’s one thousand billion or 1,000,000,000,000. How does one get their head around 1,000 billion? Is one million million better? Twelve zeros. Wow.

Well, it’s a butt load of money for sure. And we got $2.2 trillion. And by we, I mean corporations.

I know. I know. A bunch of people are saying “But we’re all getting a check for $1,200.” Well not all. But a lot of us will. So yes. The American taxpayer finally got some relief. Twelve hundred for everyone is a lot of money.

Or maybe not…

Less than half of Americans pay taxes. Mainly because some people, mostly dependent children, don’t work. And then some taxpayers make more than the $99,000 (three zeros) limit. And let’s face it. If your paycheck has that many zeros, you don’t need a stimulus check. You’ll be fine. <insert sarcastic granny emoji here>

But see, here’s the deal. Remember that $2.2 trillion dollars? With that many zeros you could just cut a $6,000 check for EVERY American no matter how old. That’s $24,000 for a family of four. Hell, you could give everyone $3,000 and still have $1.2 trillion dollars to save the airlines, cruise lines, and the Kennedy Center. That’s $12,000 to a family of four and you still have $1,200,000,000,000 leftover to give to businesses.

Suddenly that $1,200 from Mitch McConnell and company isn’t looking so good, is it? Oh, but it gets worse. Do you see that point two there at the end of $2.2 trillion? That point 2 is actually two hundred billion or $200,000,000,000. A two followed by 11 zeros. You take just that point 2 and every American could get $600 or $2,400 for a family of four.

Point Two.

But not every American needs a bailout. So how about we just go back to those tax payers who are getting $1,200. That’s about 150 million people… or 150,000,000. That’s a lot of people. I mean look at all those zeros. If you give all of those people $1,200 surely there won’t be enough left over to save the airlines.

Let’s do the math: 1,200 times 150 million… carry the one… add a zero… and look at that… it adds up to a whopping 180 billion dollars.

$180,000,000,000

That leaves roughly 2 trillion dollars to help the Cheesecake Factory.

$2.02 trillion to be exact.

I don’t know about you, but I’d say the American people just got screwed again. But there’s cheesecake at the end of this story so that’s good.

And while we’re all enjoying our cheesecake, we can enjoy Trump talking about how big this bailout is. The biggest ever. Huge. Very huge. Like nothing we’ve ever seen before. And we had to do it. We had to. We had the greatest economy in like forever, and it was tanking. The numbers were dropping. So, we had to do it.

Trump recently said we had to save the airlines and the cruise ships because “like they are probably the biggest industry in the country. Travel and leisure. I mean if you add them all up together, they are like the biggest.”

Guess what? They aren’t even in the top ten.

Now how is it that I know that, but the President of the United States doesn’t? And how is it that in a room full of reporters, no one asked the question, “Are you high, sir? Or are you just making this shit up?” The first reporter who asks that question gets a best-selling book deal and a prime-time cable news show. I’d guarantee it. Because all of us at home are certainly thinking it. Hell, we’re throwing shit at the TV when you don’t ask it. “Mr. President, do you get along with the Mayor of New York?” What the hell kind of question is that?

You want to ask questions? Here are a few questions to ask:

  • If you have to choose between a falling stock market and people dying, which do you choose, sir?
  • Being we haven’t seen your tax returns Mr. President, how much did your family’s stock portfolio just go up? I’m not talking about your companies, sir. Those were exempted out. And I’m sure you’ll whine about that soon enough.  I’m talking about your stock investments and those of your kids.  How much did those just go up?
  • Mr. President, sir, why is your face orange? (Hey, they asked Elizabeth Warren what she used on her face.)
  • Mr. President, why did you lie to the American people about the dangers of this virus?
  • With all due respect, sir, most people aren’t in the stock market and they don’t want to go back to work until it’s safe. Do you think it’s right for them to risk their lives so the Dow goes back up?
  • Sir. Sir. Over here sir. Yes. I was wondering if I could ask you about that point two trillion?
  • Mr. President, when we open the country back up on Easter Sunday, will there be cheesecake?

If a United States Republican Congressman can yell “liar” at President Obama during the State of the Union, can’t one reporter do it to Trump during a press briefing? It’s what Trump does more than anything else. And it’s what he is best at – Lying. He lies about his golf game. He lies about his taxes. He lies about test kits. He lies about ventilators. He lies about the size of his hands. The man lies about his lies. Don’t fact check him after the fact. If I can tell he’s lying from my sofa, surely you can call him out while he’s right there?

To be honest, I had to look up that airline industry thing to be certain, but I was pretty sure. Not a single reporter could figure that out? If only you had like a professional fact checker thing. Like a device you could carry around. Maybe small enough to fit in your hand. Something you could quickly type in “Largest US industry” … information, manufacturing of non-durable goods, retail trade, wholesale trade… Nope. No travel and leisure.

If only you had a device like that. And what if it was so amazing you didn’t even have to type.  You could just ask your question and it gives you the answer?  Hey Siri. What’s the largest industry in the United States? Alexa. Are people worth more than airlines? Cortana. How many zeros in a trillion? Hey Siri. Who is Cortana?

Hey. You know what is bigger than Travel and Leisure? The Arts and Entertainment industry. And they didn’t even crack the point two or even point one. The arts – bigger than the airlines- didn’t even get a billion.  Imagine that.

Trump is an idiot. And reporters are letting him get away with it. Enjoy your cheesecake. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, I get it. I really do. We are in the middle of a pandemic. Everyone is scared and things are a bit crazy. Of course, the President should address the American people. Of course, he should. But just not this one. It’s not helping. It really isn’t.

There is nothing decent about this man. He has cheated on all three of his wives. His career is filled with lawsuits, bankruptcies, claims of racism, tax evasion, discrimination, even rape. Nothing. Nothing about this man is honorable much less tolerable. His only claim to fame is taking joy in firing people on national television.

How he became President I’ll never understand, but he did. And since becoming President over three years ago, he’s proven time and time again that he is pretty horrible at his job. In fact, if I were his boss, I’d fire him. I mean when he fabricated stories about the size of his inauguration, I would have just rolled my eyes and wondered if I had hired the wrong person. When he threw paper towels at hurricane victims, I probably would have at least sat him down. Told him he was out of line. Maybe written him up and given him a warning. But when he suggested that Nazi’s running over a woman with a car should be given some slack because they might be very fine people… well then… then, I would have fired his ass.

But I’m not his boss… well technically I guess I am, but you know… Representative government and all. So, he’s still there and now there’s this pandemic and for some reason he insists on crawling out of his drug induced coma each day at 11:30 to address the American people. And even though he is surrounded by a bunch of experts, the media keeps asking him the questions. The fact that he constantly makes shit up doesn’t seem to stop them. They keep asking questions and he’s keeps making shit up.

I’ve got a suggestion. How about we stop asking the elephant in the room questions and instead direct them to the experts standing behind him? What do they say, fool me once? Well he’s fooled them about 15,000 times and they just keep asking. Stop asking the asshat questions! Ask the experts. After all, millions of lives depend on the answers being correct.

And let’s be clear. When I say expert, I don’t mean Mike Pence. His version of social distancing is to quarantine in Trump’s ass. And somehow from inside Trump’s ass he still manages to pat Trump on the back while simultaneously giving him a standing ovation. No. Mike Pence is the expert in one thing and one thing only – brown nosing. I’m talking Dr. Anthony Fauci or Dr. Deborah Birx or even that Chad guy. Who is Chad again?

We need answers. We need them desperately. Millions of lives are depending on those answers. I am begging the White House Press Corps to stoping ask Trump the fucking questions.

We need answers. Not lies. Really. I mean it.

Margaret, I’m sorry to say that the Social Distancing diet is fattening. My ass is almost as big as Trump’s ego, but easier to view if I do say so myself. The man gave himself a 10 out of 10 for how he has handled this. Really? Try to get tested right now. Just try. In my book the grade is zero which is also the number of tests you are going to find unless you are in another country or a professional basketball player.

Over a week ago he told us “Anyone who wants a test can get a test.” He repeated that statement more than once. That’s odd because yesterday the Governor of Texas announced that 15,000 tests would be available by the end of the week. The end of THIS WEEK. Texas has a population of 30,000,000. That’s 30 million.  1 test for every 2,000 Texans… but anyone who wants one… Math seems to be hard for the GOP.

Until this week Fox News continued to tell people it was all a Democratic hoax. But yesterday Trump said he knew it was a Pandemic a long time ago which is odd because he told everyone at his last rally that it was a Democrat “new hoax”. Either he was lying to all his supporters then or he’s lying to all Americans now. Well, I’ve got news for all those Trump supporting Fox News viewers. You are in for a real surprise when you head to the grocery store for toilet paper this week.

Trump also calls this the Chinese Virus because  finding blame for a pandemic is very Trumpian. He blames everything on Mexico, China, Obama or fake news. It’s as if he hasn’t been President for over three years. You know what Obama had to do with COVID19? Nothing. Honestly, if this really was called the Chinese Virus it would have a Trump clothing label on it and his moron of a first daughter would be trying to get it trademarked. The man has no shame and the sense God gave a goose.  My apology to geese.

A real President would have declared COVID19 a public health emergency within a week of the first US case being detected. In a fully functioning government, the first test to detect the new virus would have been approved by the FDA two days later and shipments of the new CDC test would have gone out within 2 weeks. You know – EXACTLY HOW THEN PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA HANDLED THE H1N1 VIRUS.

But not Donald Trump.  It’s over two months since the first case in the US and we are just now getting any type of major testing underway.  Asked whether he took responsibility for the apparent lag in widespread testing, Trump said, “No, I don’t take responsibility at all because we were given a — a set of circumstances, and we were given rules, regulations and specifications from a different time.”

Well I call BULLSHIT.  This Asshat fired the U.S. pandemic response team in 2018 to cut costs.  And that is a fact.  Here are some other facts:

  • December 31: Health officials in Wuhan, China, post a notice about investigating a pneumonia outbreak. The World Health Organization (WHO) acknowledges that it “was informed of a cluster of cases of pneumonia of unknown cause.”
  • January 14: Two cases of Coranavirus (COVID19) reported in the US.
  • January 21: Dr. Nancy Messonnier, a senior CDC official handling the response to respiratory diseases, tells reporters, “We do expect additional cases in the United States and globally.”
  • January 22: Trump says he isn’t worried that the outbreak could turn into a global pandemic, “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China, and we have it under control. It’s going to be just fine.”
  • January 24: Trump posts his first of many misleading tweets about the coronavirus. He praises the Chinese government for its “transparency” handling the outbreak and says, “it will all work out well.”
  • January 25: The WHO says there are more than 1,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • January 31: Two weeks after the first reported cases in the US, Trump administration declares a public health emergency in the United States because of the coronavirus and blocks foreigners who visited China from entering the country.
  • February 1: The WHO says there are more than 10,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 6: The WHO says there are more than 25,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 7: Trump tweets that China “will be successful” in stopping the coronavirus, “especially as the weather starts to warm & the virus hopefully becomes weaker, and then gone.”
  • February 10: At a political rally in New Hampshire, Trump mentions the coronavirus and says it “looks like, by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.”
  • February 14:  One month since first reported cases in US
  • February 15: The WHO says there are more than 50,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 19: The WHO says there are more than 75,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 24: Trump tweets, “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”
  • February 25: Messonnier, the CDC official, says it is inevitable that the coronavirus will spread in the US and that Americans need to prepare for disruptions to their daily lives.
  • February 25: Trump tells reporters during his trip to India that the virus is “a problem that’s going to go away.”
  • February 26: At a White House press conference, Trump contradicts the assessment from the CDC that the virus will definitely spread throughout the US. Trump says, “I don’t think it’s inevitable. I think that there’s a chance that it could get worse, a chance it could get fairly substantially worse, but nothing’s inevitable.”
  • February 27: The WHO says there are more than 82,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 28: At another political rally Trump tells supporters, “The Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus. They’re politicizing it.” Then Trump called the coronavirus “their new hoax.”
  • February 29: Health officials in Washington state announce the first coronavirus death inside the United States. Forty-six (46) days after the first reported cases in the US, Trump conceded that “additional cases in the United States are likely.”
  • March 5:  Vice President and Chief Brown Noser Mike Pence admits we don’t have enough tests.
  • March 6: Trump lies (again) and says “Anyone who wants a test, can get a test.”
  • March 14: Two months since first reported cases in the US.
  • March 18: Sixty-four (64) days after the first reported cases in the US and we are still asking “Where are the tests?”
  • March 19: Global cases approach a quarter of a million. Cases in the US approach 10,000. Over 150 Americans have died. Many Hospitals report that tests are arriving broken or with incomplete parts.

(Sidenote:  My idiot Senator from Texas, John Cornyn – the other idiot Senator from Texas I should say – says that viruses like Swine Flu are China’s fault because they eat weird food. He then goes home to have some bacon-wrapped jalapenos and bison burgers. At the same time Ted Cruz emerges from self-quarantine but admits that he was never tested. Ted Cruz doesn’t play basketball professionally and I guess beating Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t get you a free test kit.)

We are all now hoarding toilet paper and social distancing. Millions of people are sheltering in place. Schools and universities are closed. Tens of thousands of Uber and Lyft drivers, artists, theatres, restaurants, clubs, small businesses, large businesses will go under. The stock market is heading south faster than my friends Marvin and Fannie Stein do from New York in October.  And our Supreme Leader Trump is most concerned about saving the Cruise Ship and Airline industries. The man is an asshat.

Contrary to popular belief, I was born after the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic.  I’m really not sure what to tell you.  I would imagine, however, that social distancing means it’s ok to drink alone.

Helen’s COVID19 Quarantini

  • 1-part vermouth
  • 19 parts gin
  • Garnished with a Vitamin C tablet
  • Served Chilled with Hand Sanitizer

The world is indeed a bit crazy these days, but we can all get through this together… even if that means we must be apart for a while.  I mean it. Really.

Margaret, have you been watching any news lately or did you give up and go back to just talking to your parrots? If you did, I don’t blame you. The media is about to make me lose my religion. There’s so much shit being broadcast, I’m more lost than a fart in a fan factory. Somehow the Iowa Caucuses, which to be honest are about as interesting as watching paint dry, are headline news because we didn’t get our vote count in ten minutes. But an impeached President disrespects the National Anthem, can’t find Missouri on a map and then goes on TV and sniffs and snorts and lies to the American people and it’s declared a victory because he’s just rallying his confederacy of dunces. Lord Jesus have mercy. Where do I begin?

How about I start with Iowa. The news didn’t get their triple-washed results spoon fed to them and all hell broke loose. It took 24 hours to begin to get results. Oh the horror of it all. Honestly I ask you: How could it NOT take a day or two? Did you watch the damn thing? A hundred and fifty thousand Iowans came running out of the corn fields and into gymnasiums and cafeterias with something called a Presidential Preference Card. Once inside they proceeded to have an old-fashioned pig pickin’. People gathered here and then gathered there only to learn that this candidate wasn’t viable and then that candidate was, and suddenly those preference cards were being traded like Green Stamps. For you Bernie supporters out there, Green Stamps have nothing to do with immigrants or the environment.  A better reference for your age group might be Pokémon cards.  And for you Klobuchar supporters – think Beanie Babies. Before you know it, one woman was so confused, she traded away her preference card for Buttigieg not realizing that God has issues with Chasten. I kid you not.

If you ask me, the fact that we started getting results the next day is remarkable.

Look, I’m poking fun at our friends from Iowa, but the truth of the matter is this. It’s a caucus. It’s complicated by design. If it were easy, everyone would participate, and we certainly can’t have that.  And if you think Iowa can’t caucus, imagine what would happen if Florida tried it? Or better yet, Georgia.  Folks – voter suppression is something Americans excel at. Iowa has about 800,000 registered Democrats and over 600,000 didn’t caucus for shit.  With a 19% turnout, you would think we could get those results quickly. Am I right?

Wrong.

This isn’t a disaster. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s a caucus. Shit happens. In 2012 the Republicans were caucusing for Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann, John Huntsman and a couple other candidates who might have been named Gabbard and Yang for all I know. Mitt Romney was declared the winner… until he wasn’t.  Almost 16 days later Rick Santorum was declared the winner but only after the Iowa GOP announced it was really just too close to call anyone a winner.  Four years later in 2016 we think Ted Cruz won, but Ben Carson accused Cruz supporters of cheating and Donald Trump claimed it was rigged against him.  Yeah. That happened.  So… getting results 24 hours later – not really a news story.  But you would have never known that considering how many journalists set their hair on fire yesterday as we waited for the Iowa Democrats to weigh in.  Funny how that was the news when, on the other side, an impeached President was running virtually unopposed.

But it’s not like we are lacking for news ever with this asshat in the White House. How many hours and hours, days, weeks, months even did the media spend on NFL football players supposedly disrespecting the flag by quietly kneeling during the National Anthem. Remember that? Remember how Trump wanted them all fired? Remember how the GOP said they should just shut up and play or even better they could just leave the country if they hated it so much – remember that?  Of course, you do.  It was headline news for… well considering we still hear about it – forever. And yet, when an impeached President Trump waves his hands, points at people and even tries to take a seat  druing the Anthem while others stand at attention with their hands over their hearts… well we don’t hear much about that because evidently the Iowa Caucuses were rigged. Thanks media. Once again you have proven about as useful as a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest.

And then just as the Iowa Caucus results are released, we cut away to the impeached President’s State of the Union Address otherwise know as Trump’s Tall Tales. Among other bullshit, Trump delivered NRA propaganda as red meat. Fred Guttenberg was in the audience. He lost his daughter, Jamie, during the Parkland shootings. Fred spoke truth to power last night while Trump lied to America. Fred was removed from the room. Trump continued to lie.

  • Fact: Trump is fighting in the courts to get rid of insurance coverage for pre-existing conditions.
  • Fact: The economy grew faster under Obama.
  • Fact: Midwest manufacturing activity has hit a 4-year low under Trump.
  • Fact: More jobs were created during Obama’s final three years than during Trumps first three.
  • Fact: Nobody aborts babies.
  • Fact: Donald Trump is a liar.

But what will the story be?  Nancy Pelosi ripped up the speech.

Give me a break mainsteam media. She just tore up the speech. If I had been there, I would have torn him a new asshole. It’s not that you’re fake news. It’s that you’re no news. Get off your asses and do your jobs. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, I don’t suffer fools gladly. Nor do I gladly suffer today’s Conservative Christian Republicans. And now that I’ve read those first two lines, I realize I’m being repetitive.

To be clear there are some of each I can tolerate and some I even love. Not all conservatives are racists, but many are without even knowing it. Not all Christians are hypocrites and I would venture to say most aren’t. And not all Republicans are asshats although I’m beginning to think most are. But every Conservative Christian Republican I have met has very definitely been a racist, hypocritical asshat. Every. Single. One. By definition.

By definition a conservative is a person who is averse to change and holds to traditional values and attitudes. The problem with that is traditionally we have created a country that values some and discriminates against others. America has a real problem with racism and other-ism and it’s not going to be solved by clinging to traditional values.

By definition a Christian is a person who has received Christian baptism and is a believer in Christianity. Christianity is the religion based on the person and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. Interestingly enough Jesus was born into a family of refugees fleeing violence in their homeland. You know, they were… well… they were immigrants and not the fair-skinned ones from Europe.

By definition a Republican is a person who is a member or supporter of the Republican Party. The Republican Party has chosen Donald Trump to be its leader. Most Republicans are conservative but it’s not necessarily a requirement. Donald Trump is a racist but he is not a conservative. He is also not a Christian. He is, however, an asshat.

In case you are missing my point, let me spell it out for you. You can’t follow the teachings of Christ while supporting Donald Trump. Nor can you claim to be a Conservative. Those paths don’t just diverge, they were never together to begin with. You could still be a Republican, but honestly why would you? Republicans are idiots.

Ouch. That wasn’t very Christian of me. But, you know what? I’m pretty sure Jesus would think the same about Republicans. And I know for damn sure Jesus would not gladly suffer a Conservative Christian Republican. Even Jesus has his limits.

Conservative Christian Republicans think there is a war on Christmas. There isn’t. There just seems to be a misunderstanding about when to say Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays. It’s really not that hard.

Merry Christmas is a lovely greeting between two Christians during the month of December. Happy Holidays is a lovely thing to say to someone when you want them to have a Happy Holiday. It actually comes in handy when you are not sure if someone is a Christian. Over 5 billion people on this planet are not Christian. That’s Billion with a B.

And Conservative Christian Republicans really, really, really don’t like to abort babies. Interesting fact: aborting a baby isn’t a thing. We abort a fertilized egg, a blastocyst, an embryo, and sometimes a fetus. By 24 weeks a fetus has a chance of survival outside the uterus. If we’re talking about something later than that, we’re really talking about a pregnancy gone horribly wrong.

The fact that Conservative Christian Republicans have a talking point about post-birth abortions tells you all you need to know about how unChristian they are. If you can’t make your case with the truth then do you really have a case? There is indeed something called a late-term abortion.  It’s not pretty. It’s not happy.  It’s usually the last choice, but it is a choice a woman sometimes makes. And if you knew anything about why a woman might have to make that choice, you would be questioning your faith in God before you would be questioning the choice of that woman.

But bring that child into the world and suddenly all bets are off with Conservative Christian Republicans. They cage them rather than welcome them. You realize seven have already died while in our custody. Seven that we know of.

The GOP sends our kids off to war in exchange for oil. Trump sends them off in exchange for payment. And Conservative Christian Republicans vote for that shit. And evidently they have lengthy conversations with Donald about how many times they flush their toilets.

They also support the death penalty knowing full well that innocent people have mistakenly (or purposely) been executed. And knowing full well that the death penalty is unfairly used to condemn a higher percentage of people of color.

Conservative Christian Republicans believe that God created the world and everything in it. And yet somehow efforts to save the world are considered liberal heresy. Trump doesn’t like energy efficient light bulbs because they make him look orange. Honey, it’s not the bulbs.

Suggesting that 13 year old Barron Trump isn’t a Baron is unforgivable but mocking 16 year old Greta Thunberg for wanting to save the world will get you several hundred thousand likes in MAGA Twitter World.

Can I just pause a minute and focus on Melanie… I mean Melania, our First Lady of Porn… I mean of the United States. Honey, save your outrage. Spare us your mother bear act about politicizing children. Your husband cages children and you went to visit them wearing a jacket that said “I don’t care. Do you?” A few months later you and your orange husband posed with a picture of an infant whose parents were killed by a racist mass murderer. In that photo hubby was giving the “thumbs up.”

I hear Melanie… Melania is upset that Michelle Obama was featured on more magazine covers. Honestly I don’t get it either. With those perky kidneys of hers, I’d think Melania would be on all the men’s magazine covers.

A Conservative Christian Republican will claim that Trump was chosen by God while completely ignoring he is an adulterous, lying, greedy, hateful…have I mentioned recently that Trump is a sack of shit? He stole from charities. He mocked a disabled man. He admitted on video to being a sexual predator and used his position in the pageant world to sneak a peak at young women changing clothes. He sexualized his own daughter on a national radio show agreeing that she was a piece of ass. Let that sink in. When another man asked permission to call his daughter a piece of ass, Trump said “Yeah” and then later on a national television show he suggested he would date her if she wasn’t his daughter. If you think Trump is the chosen one, Jesus thinks you’re an idiot. Of this I am sure.

Here’s the thing. Jesus wasn’t rich. He also wasn’t white. He was a carpenter. If you know anything about Donald Trump then you should know he’s been sued by a lot of carpenters because Trump doesn’t pay his bills. He has also been sued by people of color because he doesn’t like having them live in buildings he owns. Jesus became a preacher but not the kind that flew around in private jets and hung out with Kanye. And, most importantly, his teachings were far from conservative:

Matthew 25:31-46 – “…I was a stranger and you welcomed me.”

Luke 4:16-21 – “…Bring good news to the poor…release to the captives…sight to the blind…let the oppressed go free.”

Luke 3:11 – “Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none…”

Romans 12:13 – “Mark of the true Christian: “…Extend hospitality to strangers…”

I don’t like Conservative Christian Republicans for the same reasons I don’t like Donald Trump. They are racist, hypocritical asshats. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, nobody is perfect. Lord knows I’ve been known to have a mental lapse every now and then. Like when I thought Tulsi Gabbard might have some good ideas to add to the debates. She didn’t and that’s ok. I’m a big enough person to admit when I’m wrong. Having that capacity – that strength – to admit your mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and then move on – well that’s actually a sign of good character. Which is exactly the reason why I can say without a doubt that Donald J. Drumpf, the 45th (gulp) President of these United States must have a really, really, really tiny penis.

Now hear me out…

Yesterday, Donald told a crowd of idiots that he was building a wall in New Mexico. He isn’t, but that’s not the point of this story. And for those of you who are upset that I just arbitrarily called the entire crowd idiots, just hang in there. I’ll make my case.

Trump told the room full of morons – I mean idiots – that he was building a wall in New Mexico. And then he added that he was building a wall in Colorado. And then in Texas… Wait. What? Colorado? He’s building a wall in Colorado? Yep. That’s what he said. And apparently it’s “a big one that really works.” He then joked about not building one in Kansas. And thank goodness about that because Oklahoma already feels insecure enough. Being cut off from Trump’s United States would just be rubbing salt in those Sooner wounds.

But about that wall in Colorado…

Why Colorado? Does Trump think that Colorado is a border state? Or does he really just hate ALL Mexicans? Old Mexicans. New Mexicans. You know, all those brown people illegally immigrating from Santa Fe and Albuquerque and places farther south. The rapists and the drug dealers with their turquoise jewelry and Hatch green chilis. Or maybe Trump just isn’t very smart.

And speaking of not very smart… Remember the room full of idiots? At the mention of a wall in Colorado they all leapt to their feet and applauded. Hot damn. Trump is gonna build that there wall in Colorado. A big one that really works. That’ll keep out those… those Mex… those New Mex… those (how do you spell that sound a trombone makes?)

Calling them idiots is a compliment. It was mostly a room full of white men with straight lines for family trees. Dear lord let’s hope they all have slow swimming sperm so the tree trunk can just stop right there with that last red baseball cap. If your family tree has no branches, that red hat comes in handy due to the lack of shade.

Now it’s bad enough that Trump can’t place Colorado on a map. And like I said, nobody is perfect. But this guy, this stable genius can’t admit when he’s wrong. Ever. EVER! A few hours later, the asshat tweets out an explanation that he was just kidding about building a wall in Colorado just like he was kidding about not building a wall in Kansas. He was (and I quote) “referring to the people in the very packed auditorium from Colorado and Kansas, getting the benefit of the border wall.”

What. The. F…

He couldn’t just admit that he was wrong. He couldn’t just say that he had made a mistake. Did I mention that he was giving this speech in this packed auditorium full of people from Colorado and Kansas… did I mention it was in Pennsylvania? Now to his credit it was Pittsburgh which is on the far western side of Pennsylvania. That’s only a mere 1,400 miles from Denver and a quick 900 miles from Topeka. All those folks from Colorado and Kansas probably commute daily. Whenever politicians want to score points in Pittsburgh they make it a point to throw red meat to the hoards of voters from Colorado and Kansas. Really. It’s a thing.

If you can’t ever admit when you are wrong, why in the hell should we ever believe you when you insist you are right? I think just maybe it’s because you are almost never right. And I doubt you give a shit.

Bless his heart. The problem with Donald J. Trump isn’t just that he’s an idiot. The problem with Donald J. Trump is that he’s an idiot who also lacks character. And still worse, he’s the most insecure person I’ve ever known. All those stories about how he’s the greatest this and the only that and the perfect phone calls. What the hell is a perfect phone call? Did Ukraine accept the charges? Did it end with an I love you?

No, Mr. Trump you are not the only President in history to donate his salary. Hoover and Kennedy did.

No, Mr. Trump you haven’t been treated worse than any other President ever. Four sitting Presidents have been assassinated while in office.

No, Mr. Trump your crowds aren’t the biggest ever. Your words aren’t the best ever. Your phone call wasn’t perfect. And your hotels aren’t the best locations for G-7 summits.

Just stop being a total piece of shit and admit when you are wrong. Is that so hard? Are you really that insecure? My god, just how small must your penis be? I mean how serious a problem can we be dealing with here? Can someone help me out? Ivana? Marla? Melania? Stormy? Ivanka? Russian Hooker #4? How bad is it?

And to the entire GOP – is this really the ship you want to go down with? This guy? The guy so insecure he flipped off the female astronauts who politely corrected his incorrect statement about females who have walked in space? That’s your guy? The guy with the bad combover and the cheap suits made in China? The guy who just brought our soldiers home from Syria by selling them to Saudi Arabia? The guy who last year said the Kurds were our friends and is now abandoning them because they didn’t help us in World War II?

You don’t follow that guy. You impeach that guy.

And for the record, the various congressional committees that have been investigating a possible impeachment have members from BOTH parties. The Republicans have NOT been shut out of the process. Sure Matt Gaetz has been shut out, but that‘s only because he sits on the Asshats With DUI’s Committee which isn’t a part of the impeachment inquiry.

That little third grade stunt yesterday where GOP congressmen stormed a closed hearing room was just that- a stunt. And it was the worst display of poor statesmanship since Joe Wilson yelled “You Lie” at Obama during a joint address to congress. Grow the hell up. You are supposed to be the nation’s leaders.

If this is the best the Republican Party has to offer, then maybe Tulsi Gabbard should come out as a Republican. How hard could it be to shine in that chandelier of dimwits?

And if you are a Democrat, I am begging you. No matter who gets the nomination. We all get our asses out to the voting booth and vote blue no matter who. Even you Tulsites. There will be no Jill Stein mistakes this year. Because America can’t take another four years of this shithead. I mean it. Really.

Margaret honey, nothing pisses me off more than when a man has an opinion about something he knows nothing about. And one thing for damn sure a man knows nothing about is what’s in a woman’s mind and heart when she is making a decision about whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. It’s called an abortion. It’s not a dirty word. It’s legal. It’s a woman’s right. It’s personal. A woman can choose to have one or not. And damn it, there is no such thing as a post-birth abortion unless you’re talking about the death penalty (which is a whole nother GOP lie).

The fact that the GOP has a talking point about post-birth abortions tells you all you need to know about how stupid the GOP is and how stupid they think voters are. If you can’t make your case with the truth then do you really have a case? There is indeed something called a late-term abortion.  It’s not pretty. It’s not happy.  It’s usually the last choice, but it is a choice a woman sometimes makes. And if you knew anything about why a woman might have to make that choice, you would be questioning your faith in God before you would be questioning the choice of that woman.

Contrary to what our asshat of a President and his confederacy of dunces think, women don’t pull up to a Planned Parenthood and order up an abortion like it’s a Big Mac.  No one at Planned Parenthood takes our request for a pregnancy test and tries to upsize us to an abortion and some fries. Women make this decision with a great deal of thought, prayer and consultation with our loved ones and our doctors.

I am an old woman. I don’t like the f-word. I didn’t use that word until the orange asshat arrived. But on this topic, you bet your sweet ass I’ll use it. FUCK YOU GOP for continuing to politicize this deeply personal decision that should be left between a woman and her doctor. Get your lies out of our government and get your politics out of our vaginas. And while you are at it, why don’t you get those children at the border out of those cages. I mean it. Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 1, 2019

When we were young…

Sometimes you find that person in life who completes you. Hollywood corny, I know, but this time it fits.

Margaret’s husband Howard was a kind, gentle man. Oh and incredibly smart. So damn smart. He laughed at us and with us. He cheered us on even in times when we deserved no audience much less an approving one. He steadied the waters when they were rough and built a ship where Margaret could sail freely with no fear of wind or rain. Her’s is a life filled with joy. That is the gift he gave her.

I will miss you dear Howard with all my heart. And I will forever be in your debt for the years of love you gave to my friend. Rest In Peace.

Margaret, I know you don’t Tweet unless you are talking to your parrots. And for what it’s worth, I told you those things would outlive us. I know you thought I was stupid to get on the Twitter. Well, I should have listened to you, honey. I came. I tweeted. And I got covered in shit. Probably because Twitter is chock-full of assholes who don’t know the difference between your and you’re.

Now before all you NitTwits out there write me off, read on for a little bit. There are some things that are good about Twitter. Most are not easy to find, but they’re there if you are willing to work a bit. I’ll explain…

On Friday, a jackass named Roger Stone whined that the FBI had raided his home leaving himself, his dog, his wife (in that order) and even his neighbor forever traumatized.  From his description, it’s hard to believe he was able to pull it all together in time to make a speech, do a few radio interviews, and then finish it off with a couple of cable news shows, all while hoping someone would ask him about how he once took out personal ads referring to himself as a body builder with a hot wife looking for muscular studs for threesomes. Yep. True story. Stone is a real asshat.

But I’ve gotten off track. This really isn’t about Roger Stone. However, I would like to take a second to point out that while he was kicked off Bob Dole’s campaign for his little trio fetish, he was eventually hired again by George W. Bush and, of course, Donald J. Trump.  In fact, given enough time I can probably prove that while not every asshole is on Twitter, they are all on a Republican payroll somewhere.

Anyway, back to the point of this story…

Immediately the Cheeto in Chief tweeted from the White House that Roger Stone was treated more unfairly than drug dealers and border coyotes.  I find that pretty rich coming from Trump. Unless Roger’s wife was put in a cage, I’d say he got off pretty easy by Trump standards.  How someone can cram so many lies into so few characters is astounding. It’s probably the only thing at which Trump excels. One day the history books will tell the story of how Trump became president because a bunch of racists inbred to the point that they had the attention span of a gnat. If your family tree goes in a straight line, I’ve got a red hat to sell you. Yep. I’m a bitch. Screw you MAGA nation. You screwed up Christianity and now you’ve screwed up the United States of America.  All because you think an immigrant stole your job. Well here’s 280 characters for you:

An immigrant who achieves the American Dream didn’t steal anything from you or your family. They just wanted it more than you and worked harder than you. And they did it with all the odds stacked against them.  If your life sucks lemons, a wall isn’t going to turn it to lemonade.

Off track again.  Sadly, I’m pretty sure any MAGAt who started reading this has long ago gotten distracted by a shiny object.  Probably one of those shiny blondes on Fox & Friends.

So back to Friday…

As if the Stone indictment wasn’t enough, we also saw a woman finally get the best of Trump. Shockingly, porn and secret payments weren’t involved.  Sorry, Stormy. I’ve come to love you honey, but Nancy fucked Trump and that little mushroom of  Donald’s never made an appearance. Now that’s my kind of woman. (Note – I just used a word that I once thought I would never use. The F-word. I’ll explain in a bit.)  The great deal maker just spent a month dealing himself into Ann Coulter’s timeout corner.  Speaking of that pholcidae, Ann Coulter needs to eat a potato chip once in awhile.  Honey, when you turn sideways your nose looks like the tab on a zipper.  I know. I know. I shouldn’t body shame.  Fine. I made fun of a skinny bitch.  Hate me today.  I’ll apologize tomorrow by sending her a pie.  So many assholes. So much shit. So few characters. Even fewer with character.

But where was I?  Oh yes…Nancy.

Nancy Pelosi is one hell of a leader despite the fact that we require her to work twice as hard and endlessly prove herself worthy of her job. Nancy isn’t just matching Fred Astaire’s dance moves step-for-step backwards and in heels, she’s reminding the entire world that if women were allowed to take the reins, some important shit could finally get done. For the love of God, you MAGA asshats, she is the reason you have anything even close to affordable healthcare and a living wage. And if not for your precious GOP, you would have gotten the whole enchilada. I probably shouldn’t have used that enchilada metaphore. Did someone say wall?

Oh, but again, I digress… It’s so easy to do when you are not limited to 280 characters.

And so, here we are.  After 4,542 characters and one President without character, we arrive at my point:

With all that news to offer on Friday, that same evening the Washington Post tweeted out this headline for a story: Texas officials flag tens of thousands of voters for citizen checks. I don’t know what the terms mean, but the kids call that click bait and then go on about something to do with ratios. Not important. What is important is that IF you actually read the article – and almost no one on Twitter does – the very LAST paragraph explains that Texas has no proof of voter fraud and further research most likely will show that minimal if any occurred. But that didn’t stop the Great Orange Yeast Infection from tweeting a few hours later the lie that voter fraud was a huge problem because 95,000 illegal immigrants voted in the last election in Texas.

Why the last paragraph of that story is not the first paragraph is a good example of how  we got into this mess. Shame on the Washington Post for making it so easy for Trump. In my day, people called it judging a book by its cover. I have always just called it what it is: Bullshit. And friends, Twitter is full of bullshit. And the biggest asshole spewing shit and stinking up the place is Donald Jackass Trump. His 57 million followers judge a book by its cover, a person by their color, and their own IQ by the number of channels on their cable box. The only book they might pick up is the Bible and, I promise you, they don’t read that one either. For the record, he’s YOUR president, and YOU’RE an asshat for believing him. YOUR is a possessive adjective.  YOU’RE is a contraction of you are.

Now mind you, if you look really hard, you can find Tweets like the one from the Texas Tribune to its 180,000 followers warning people about the misleading headline.  How much do you want to bet that almost no MAGA-hats follow the Texas Tribune? Trust me.  It requires reading more than just a headline, and those people only get their headlines from one place – Fox News – the only place with more assholes full of shit than Twitter.  And speaking of assholes, can Tucker Carlson pull his head out of his long enough to see where role modeling Bill O’Reilly is going to take him? A loofah, a hot shower and Lindsey Graham.  No wait. What? That doesn’t make any sense. But it did allow me to sneak in a mention of Lindsey Graham. Of all the Real Housewives I hate; Lindsey Olin Graham is at the top of my list. No matter what side of his mouth Lindsey talks out of, it’s always shrill. Don’t try to follow my logic folks – it’s all shits and grins at this point.  Because in the end, that is all Twitter is good for.  Well, almost…

Journalist and politicians have no business trying to do their jobs on Twitter.  It’s a great place for cat videos, clever comments from Quinn Cummings, and teen activists trying to take down the god-awful NRA.  All those things SHOULD be accomplished in 280 characters or less.  You really shouldn’t have to work too hard to point out that cats are cute, Quinn is hilarious, and the NRA is evil.  But trying to be President of the United States 280 characters at a time should be a god-damn constitutional crisis. And Congress should at long last put a stop to it. Censure him. Indict him. Impeach him. Anything him.  Just quit tweeting at him and do your damn job.  And the same thing goes to all of you journalists on Twitter. A story is more than its headline.  If you are going to limit yourself to 280 characters, then make sure you get to the truth around character 10 or 11.  Trump and his followers lose their attention after that.

You know what else happened last week?  Five women were shot execution style by a gunman in Florida.  Another gunman killed five people in Louisiana. All that and we focused on an idiot like Stone. It doesn’t take 280 characters to make the case that a national state of emergency isn’t at the southern border. It’s at the NRA headquarters. If the President wasn’t so fixated on how many likes he gets, he might know that. Jesus H. Christ I hate that man. How on God’s green earth did he ever become President? Oh wait. Twitter. I forgot. Damn you @Jack.  And by the way, did you really suspend me because of my joke about Trump listening to the voices in his head?  Seriously?  The man practically started a nuclear war on your platform.

Now, I’ll admit that I am probably just another one of those assholes on Twitter, but I did meet a few good people along the way. I doubt they even knew I was following them. If you want to be on Twitter and do some good, follow @davidhogg111 or @Emma4Change. Want a good laugh?  Follow @quinncy or @louisvirtel. Want to actually make a difference as a political activist?  Try @Alyssa_Milano or @williamlegate.  Want to waste your time?  Follow a Kardashian. And for the love of God, give @kathygriffin a break. It was a fucking halloween mask. If you follow a journalist, promise that you’ll click on the link and read the whole story.  Might I suggest @texastribune, @DanRather, @annanavarro or @NicoleDWallace.  Just don’t follow a politician until they retire. And that goes double for @realdonaldfuckingtrump!

So, here we are at the end of my little rant. In this story, I used the F-word. Three times. It’s a word that I had always banned on this little web blog of mine.  I humbly ask for your forgiveness.  But do you realize how hard it is to talk about Donald Trump and not use that word?  It’s god-damn near fucking impossible.  I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 21, 2018

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family

Dear Family,

As we gather again for another Thanksgiving, I’d like to set up some house rules. I know I’m not the head cook anymore, but I’m still the head of the household so listen up:

No cell phones at the dinner table.

No feet (big or tiny) on my furniture.

No jello-salad.

Parenting is a full-time job. You don’t get the holiday off. Watch your kids and make sure there is some food on their plate that has color. Carrots. Green beans. Yams. Something more than just mashed potatoes. They might not eat any, but it’s never too soon to introduce them to each other. It would be easier if I was still the cook and everything had a little bacon grease to help it go down, but in this age of vegavegan-gluttenfree-halffat-lesssodium-nosugaradded, I can’t be responsible for how the food tastes anymore. Gone are the days of the three master spices: salt, pepper and bacon grease.

No jello-salad. I’m serious about this. The only thing that jiggles at my house this Thanksgiving will be your Aunt Trudy after a few glasses of wine.

I’ve lived a long life and along the way, I’ve collected a few nice things. I don’t put them away for company and I don’t put them away for family. Eventually your child needs to learn the meaning of the word No. Let’s make that happen today. We watch football in the family room on TV. We throw footballs outside on the lawn. And when you do go outside, shut the door behind you. I don’t need to air condition the whole neighborhood. And if Mr. Briggers next door tells you to stay off his lawn, tell him to stay off my last nerve. I swear, that man is the one bad bulb that ruins the whole string of lights.

If you want to talk politics sit next to me, but if you own a MAGA hat be warned. Your President is an asshat and I’m old enough to speak my mind regardless of your precious feelings. If I were you, I’d practice don’t ask, don’t tell because even when I mind my Ps and Qs, I can still spell bullshit.

No jello-salad.

If your child still wears diapers, you will leave with the same number of them as you had when you arrived. Bag them up and take them with you. The trash man doesn’t come again until next Tuesday and the last thing I need is a trash can full of baby poop. No exceptions to this rule. You’re dealing with a woman who washed cloth diapers so this would be an argument you will lose.

You know I love you. And I am indeed thankful for my family. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Follow the rules and we’ll all get along just fine.

No jello-salad. I mean it. Really.

With love,

Aunt Helen/Mom/Grandma

Older Posts »

Categories

%d bloggers like this: