Margaret, there is a new test out to determine if you are smarter than Donald Trump. I took it and, shockingly, he is a moron. You should take it too. It’s pretty simple but let me explain how it was developed.

President Trump [sic] told reporters that the US is doing very well with COVID. Despite our leading the world in deaths, Trump explained, “If you take the blue states out, we’re at a level that I don’t think anybody in the world would be at. We’re really at a very low level.”

If you take the Blue States out, America would be doing better than every other country. Key to this premise is that Blue States have to be taken out. Big Blue States like California which has the same number of deaths as Big Red Texas. Or Blue States like Illinois which has fewer deaths than Crazy Red Florida. Or Super Blue Colorado which has done better than Super Red Tennessee.

Remember when President Obama told us there were no red states and no blue states. There were just the United States.

Imagine that. I sure do miss him.

By the way, related but unrelated. There are reports that some White House staffers have tested positive. I offer thoughts and prayers. I’m not sure they are the right thoughts and prayers, but prayer is a deeply personal thing for me.

Anyway, back to the point of my story…

I know what you are all probably thinking. I am sure that Blue States would like nothing more than to get the hell out of Trump’s America. And you can be just as sure that Red States would love to see the Blue States go. Without the Blue States, there is even a slight chance Trump might win the popular vote this fall. From where I stand, for Trump the departure of the Blue States might be a win win. But sadly, the Red States simply can’t afford it. 

Any moron with half a brain knows that California, New York, and Illinois make up almost a third of the nation’s economy. Or another way to put it, 30% of the nation’s economy is driven by 6% of its states. To put a finer point on it, Texas PLUS Florida don’t add up to California. And without New York the Red Southern States would be broke in a month.

But I am kind of getting off track here. We are talking about COVID deaths in Blue States making Trump look bad. Don’t you understand? All you people dying are making him look bad. Just wear a damn mask and stop dying.  No. Wait.  Masks make him look bad.  Plus, waiters hate masks. Forget the masks. Just stop dying. Be more like Red States.

Let’s make this simple just in case any of Trump’s supporters are actually reading this.

Take Canada. Those idiots to our North with national healthcare, low gun violence, Anne Murray, a Prime Minister who looks stunning in a mask and a flag that is less offensive than a dress made from a pattern purchased at Hobby Lobby must be doing worse than the Red States. I mean that flag is the opposite of offensive. It’s a damn leaf. How tough can you be if your flag is a wussy maple leaf? So, let’s see how those idiots in Canada have been doing.

Canada has a population of roughly 37 million. They have seen 9,200 deaths from COVID.  That’s 24 deaths per 100,000 Canadians.  And don’t forget, Trump said this virus goes away with warm weather. Canada is a lot of things, but it is not warm. It’s a God damn sheet of ice. The average temperature is like 30 degrees below zero. Well, actually, I am not really sure what the average temperature is, but the lowest temperature ever recorded there was −63 °C. Google it and see it you can find the average temperature for Canada. It’s so bad they won’t publish it. And they report their temperature in C. What the hell is Celsius? Those bastards. Anyway, it’s cold and yet they have a COVID death rate of 24 per 100,000 or less than 10,000 total deaths for the entire country.

Let me pause here.

My sincere condolences to every single family who has lost a loved one… in Canada… in America… in the entire world. Truly. My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace. Why our President is unable to show anything resembling sympathy is beyond me. So, on behalf of 68% of the American people, we are terribly sorry. And we are thankful that your rate isn’t worse. And your Prime Minister really is stunning in a mask. You are lucky to have someone who leads by example.

But speaking of death rates that are worse…

Trump said, “…we’re at a level that I don’t think anybody in the world would be at.”  If you take out the Blue States.

OK.  Simple civics.  Simple math.

Simple civics:  One nation under God, indivisible.

Simple math: Canada wins.

  • Mississippi rate per 100,000 is 92
  • Georgia rate per 100,000 is 60
  • Florida rate per 100,000 is 60
  • South Carolina rate per 100,000 is 60
  • Alabama rate per 100,000 is 51
  • Texas rate per 100,000 is 50

In fact, if Canada was a state it would rank 35th out of 51. Alaska does better which is really odd because Alaska is just a bunch of frozen water. And some trees. It has trees. But not the exploding kind. And mountains. Alaska is lovely, really. Those Red States are lucky to have Alaska. Birthplace to Sarah Palin. But the Blue States have Hawaii. Thank God for Hawaii. Birthplace to President Barack Obama… we think.

Other countries that are doing better than Red States:

  • Argentina – 24
  • Honduras – 21
  • Iraq – 20
  • Kuwait – 13
  • Germany – 12
  • Finland – 6
  • Australia – 3
  • Kenya – 1

In fact, 43 countries are doing better than Trump’s Red States. It could be more. There were so many, I just stopped counting.

But hey, here is some good news. The United States under President Trump is doing better than Peru.  #MAGA.

So, about that new test. The one that can determine if you are smarter than Donald Trump… It’s an amazingly simple test.  You add up all those numbers and you get one question. Oddly enough it’s a Math Word Problem.

TRUMP IQ TEST

If two trains pull away from a station at the same time and one is going south at a rate of 15 miles per hour and the other is going north at a rate of 20 miles per hour and Donald Trump is the Engineer on one of the trains, do you get on the train without Donald Trump or do you just kill yourself at the station?

Answer: Donald Trump lies. Absolutely don’t get on the Trump train because it will fucking kill you. I mean it. Really.

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Margaret, lots of people are claiming that 200,000 Americans have not died from COVID. They are right. I did the research. I actually talked to some doctors, did some investigating… I spent hours reading about mortality rates. Honestly, it’s a global pandemic. What better reason will you ever have for dedicating hours to such a boring, mundane endeavor? It would be so much easier to just watch a YouTube video or read a Tweet and draw your conclusion. But why would you do that if it meant putting yourself or your loved ones at risk? To make sure you have the facts, you must dig. So, my dog dug.

Now I know many of our readers are waiting for me to use a few dirty words or make a joke. They expect me to call Trump an asshat. But this really is too important. If you support Trump, my need to make a joke shouldn’t be a reason for you not to read this. Nor should it be a reason for a Biden supporter to not forward this to their Trump supporting family members. Because of that, I am going to do my level best to be serious.

If you don’t believe that almost 200 thousand Americans have died from COVID-19, you are right.

I dare you to keep reading…

There seem to be two different but related theories out there suggesting that the number is closer to 10,000. One theory is that hospitals are making more money by recording as many deaths as possible as COVID deaths.  Another theory suggests that it isn’t about money, but rather its about the way you count COVID deaths even if the patient died of something else. In that theory, a patient who has COVID but dies in a car crash would be counted as a COVID death.  Neither are true. First, hospitals don’t have that power. Second, there are not that many bad people. And last, scientists are not that stupid.

First, you need to understand how medical records work. They begin the moment you are seen by a healthcare worker.  That worker could simply be the person who answers the phone at your doctor’s office. But if you are dying from COVID you have probably bypassed your doctor’s office and headed straight to the hospital. Your medical record begins when you arrive, stays with you for your entire stay – growing the whole time. It lives with you until you leave and even then, it follows you.  And if you die, it continues to live and grow after you have expired. For a hospital to falsely report your death as COVID-19 would require the coordination of clerks, technicians, nurses, doctors, administrators, coroners, health departments, insurance companies, your family members and even the Federal Government. Plus, for it to be impacting numbers on a national level with any significance, it would have to be hundreds of hospitals and tens of thousands of healthcare professionals plus insurance companies AND the Federal Government. That just doesn’t happen. Simply put, that dog don’t hunt. Theory one ain’t happening.

Theory two sounds a little more believable. This is the one where everyone who tests positive for COVID and then dies gets counted as a COVID death even if they died in a car crash. Again, false. Here is why. First, it is not uncommon that multiple causes of death might appear on your records. Yes. You might die in a car crash. But car crash isn’t a medical reason for death. Complications resulting from a car crash are. COVID is not a complication of a car crash. However, let’s say you have cancer and you contract COVID and ultimately die. You indeed could have a cause of death listed as cancer and COVID. It might even just say COVID. Or let’s say you are dying of something else. You are in hospice with a few weeks left to live and you get COVID before you die. Again, your record could show that your cause of death was the illness or illnesses that got you to hospice as well as COVID. It stands to reason that in both of those cases counting them as COVID deaths would be overcounting COVID deaths. Of course, in the case of cancer, you might have lived a few more months, years or even beaten it all together. We have a family friend who was battling breast cancer and might have beaten it. But she contracted COVID and it was just too much for her body to handle – chemo and COVID is pretty nasty. Sadly, we lost her.

But here is the deal…

The CDC takes all of that into account. They don’t just grab all the death certificates and look for COVID and then add them up. Please. Our scientists are smarter than that. And thank god they are. If you are hoping for a vaccine, especially one before the election, you better damn well hope our scientists are smarter than that. The CDC looks at modalities and expected outcomes and statistical variations and… well sciency things. I’m not a scientist and probably neither are you. Simply put, they take into account the deaths they would expect to see during a period of time based on what they have seen in past years and then compare that to actual deaths during that period of time and then adjust for which deaths should be counted as COVID and which should not. So, theory two comes to an end. It’s not true. Stop spreading it. And stop pointing at YouTube videos with unknown narrators telling you that the person who said that really meant this. Trust me. That narrator is an asshat.

But wait. You said the number was false. You said that 200,000 Americans haven’t died from COVID

You’re right. I did say that. THE NUMBER IS PROBABLY HIGHER. 

COVID is still new to us.  It’s still new to doctors and scientists. And we are not testing everyone. Sometimes you die from COVID.  Sometimes you die from COVID plus XYZ. Sometimes you were going to die regardless. BUT sometimes you die never knowing you had COVID. It never made it into your Medical Record and, therefore, they never knew that maybe what you died from wouldn’t have killed you had you not had COVID.

But a bunch of us saw a tweet from the President that said only 6% of the reported cases were actually COVID.

The tweet you saw from the President was actually a tweet that he misunderstood and re-tweeted. It was falsely claiming that there were really only 9,000 cases because only 6% had COVID as the only cause of death. What that actually means is that when you get COVID you frequently develop complications that eventually kill you – complications you wouldn’t have gotten if you didn’t have COVID. For example, if you contract COVID and you then develop acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) that kills you, your death record will show ARDS and COVID. People actually read the President’s tweet and went in the absolute wrong direction. This COVID is so nasty that most people who get it will develop at least 2.5 other deadly complications. Which means that most of the time you NOT ONLY die from COVID but also everything else the bastard did to your body once you were infected. 200,000 deaths might not sound like a lot, but COVID-19 is very deadly. And if one of those deaths is your loved one then even one death would seem like one too many.

But honestly. Why are we having this conversation? Why would you choose to believe that our scientists and medical experts are lying to you? What could possibly be in it for them? All of them? We know that hospitals in many cities across the country saw unusually high admissions. Scratch that… extraordinarily high admissions. Trust me. It wasn’t the money. Those hospitals make way more money off elective surgeries and those surgeries had to be cancelled because of COVID. And ICU beds in many of our largest medical centers became scarce. That didn’t go away until a great many of us started taking it seriously and either went into full quarantine mode or at the very least started wearing masks and social distancing. Imagine if we had not done that? And imagine how much better off we would be if the rest of you had done it too. Remember Spring Break? Memorial weekend? Fourth of July? The Trump Rally in Tulsa? The Sturgis motorcycle rally?

If you are a Trump supporter, you now can hear it straight from the President of the United States. He is on the record as saying this is deadly and at least five times (5x) worse than the flu  (click on that link and listen for yourself). You can hear him say that it is airborne, and it is more deadly than “even your strenuous flus”.  (REMEMBER THAT WORD STRENUOUS FOR A SECOND)

Every year the flu kills on average 30,000 Americans. But the flu is seasonal. We are usually only dealing with it 4 to 6 months each year. AND we have vaccines. COVID is not seasonal. It keeps killing month after month. There is currently no vaccine. We have had it for at least 6 months. About as long as not a typical flu season but rather a BAD flu season – A STRENUOUS FLU SEASON. In bad flu years we see close to 50,000 deaths. So, if COVID-19 is 5 times more deadly than the flu, we would expect to see 5×50,000= 250,000…  Well I’ll be. This dog did hunt.

Math. Science. Smart people. Listen to them. Wear a mask so we can finally put this damn thing behind us.  

And when it comes to the election remember this. Trump knew. He never once encouraged you to wear a mask. In fact, he invited you to mass gatherings in multiple states and never once encouraged you to wear a mask. He knew it was dangerous. He has admitted that he knew and that he downplayed it. The other guy did the opposite. Remember that. I mean it. Really.

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Trump WH lawn 1

Margaret, I look at this picture and I am disgusted. I know I’m supposed to be upset about the Hatch Act. I get it. The law is the law and even the President isn’t above the law. We’ve been there. We’ve done that. And Mitch McConnell told us the law and the constitution needed to take a back seat because Donald Trump is just too important. Screw national security. Screw the Hatch Act. Screw the Constitution.

You know why I am mad when I look at that picture? The real reason? It’s not the Hatch Act. It’s not impeachment.  It’s not who is leading in the polls and who isn’t. It’s not about blue beating red or red beating blue. I am pissed off because America and Americans deserve better.

America hasn’t solved the pandemic yet and Americans are still dying by the thousands.

America hasn’t opened back up for business yet and Americans are holding on by a thread.

Parents want their kids back in school. Teachers want to feel safe.

Business owners want to return to business as usual. Customers want to shop.  God how I just want to go out to dinner and see a movie.

Children want to visit their aging parents in nursing homes. And Grandparents want desperately to hug and kiss our grandchildren one more time.

How dare you. How dare you, Mr. President. We are out here in America doing EVERYTHING we can to NOT get or spread this disease. And some of us are doing it without knowing if we will be able to pay our rent next week. We are wearing masks. We are social distancing. We are making sacrifices every day in hopes that we can reduce the number of deaths. For me 1,000 deaths were too many much less 200,000.

Every other first world country has gotten this thing under control and here we are still leading the world in cases and deaths.  That’s not success.  That’s failure.  You want to blame this city or that state.  You want to blame this Mayor or that Congressman.  How is that helping anything? We needed to work harder at this.  We needed to ALL come together and do what was needed to be done.

And then you do this? You bring a thousand of your fans together without masks, without any precautions whatsoever? And then you put it on television and rub our noses in it with a million dollars’ worth of fireworks?  Fuck the Hatch Act.  I don’t give three shits about the Hatch Act.  Screw it.  And SCREW YOU MR. PRESIDENT.

We are out here dying. Quite literally dying. Over five thousand of us died just during your little show. And what do you do? You announce to God and country that you don’t care. You don’t bare any responsibility. You can do whatever you want whenever you want because, in your world, pandemic or not, being President is more important than being American.  While we are struggling and yes, afraid… you throw a party.

I didn’t watch last night. I didn’t listen to your speech. I am tired of your lies and the people who lie for you. But I saw the pictures. I saw the gathering and the hugs and the cheers and the absence of masks. And here I sit doing my small part to help America recover. And today I am sicker than I have ever been. My heart is broken. My brain is tired. And I am out of my mind with anger.

Your selfishness is killing people. You don’t deserve our votes. You don’t deserve to breathe the same air we breathe. In your America 200,000 people are dead and it didn’t have to be that way.  In your America children are rioting in the streets begging for justice and it didn’t have to be that way. In your America whites are told to fear blacks and blacks are told that equality isn’t a right but rather a reward for good behavior.

You are rigth Mr. President. You and your family said it all week long.  I hate YOUR America. It’s an awful, shameful, disgusting place to live.

To be clear, it is Trump’s America. It is not Barack Obama or Joe Biden’s America. YOU are the President.  YOU.  Donald J. Trump. HEY SIRI.  WHO IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?  ALEXA. WHO IS THE 45TH PRESIDENT?

It’s YOU. It’s all you.  I look at that picutre and I realize that everything bad with our nation isn’t because of Republicans or Democrats or white people or brown people or black people.  I am so tired of being afraid of my neighbors.  I am so sick of looking at Facebook and wondering who is going to piss off  whom. It’s not them. It’s not us. I look at that picuture and I realize, it’s you.

I can’t wait for Joe Biden’s America. I am begging for Joe Biden’s America. WE ARE DYING FOR JOE BIDEN’S AMERICA.

Go back to your castle in the sky, Mr. Trump. Go back to your palace in Florida. Go back to your nice life with your pretty wife and your perfect children. Go back and please take Rudy, Mitch, Lindsey, Marco, Mike, and the rest of them with you. Go now so the healing can begin.

This great nation of ours will survive you, Mr. Trump.  But as God as my witness, I pray that your Presidency doesn’t survive us this November. I mean it. Really.

(NOTE FROM HELENI use a lot of dirty words in this story.  A lot even for me.  And dirty even for me.  If you suffer through the nasty language, I think you might enjoy the intended message.  If not, I’m sorry.  Get over it.)

Margaret, I know you didn’t watch the shit show this week, so I did. We pride ourselves on being informed so I suffered through it for the both of us.  Here is what you missed:

  • Night One: Land of Heroes – Evidently most heroes are white and scream a lot.
  • Night Two: Land of Promise – The GOP promises that if you vote for Donald, you will never, ever have a black person as a next door neighbor.  Plus! Melania promises that the guy who left his first two wives and then cheated on her will never, ever lie to you.
  • Night Three: Land of Opportunity – Given the opportunity, Mike and Karen Pence would probably tell me to my face that they are more Christian than I. Pence gives an amazing speech while simultaneously crawling up Trump’s ass. Also, Donald Trump really didn’t hug his kids enough… if at all.
  • Night Four: Land of Great Asshats – Ben Carson put a cup of coffee to sleep.  In the land of greatness if you stay out past curfew, some white guy also out past curfew gets to shoot you.  It’s in the constitution. Oh and, Trump lied.

Basically, the theme of the week is that only Donald Trump can save us from the mess that Donald Trump made.  However, it had an interesting subplot where some bitch YELLED LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER at us right before her high-as-a-kite boyfriend and his brother begged the business man who raised them to please love them.

Sorry for the bad words.  It’s just that I am overly anxious after a week of speakers screaming at me about HOW HORRIBLE AMERICA IS. It was almost as if they forgot that Donald Trump was President.

Years ago, I got caught calling Sarah Palin a bitch and suddenly a whole lot of people started paying attention to our little blog. In retrospect, I should not have called her a bitch. That word is derogatory towards women. It’s also a female dog and honestly dogs are just the best which would mean a female dog is perfection and I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that Sarah Palin is perfect. I meant to suggest that she is a stupid twat.   No wait.

Twat is another one of those words that offends me because it is another derogatory word that is almost exclusively used to denigrate women. I say “almost” exclusively because I have watched a few English comedy shows during quarantine and it appears that they apply that word to pretty much everybody. But still, it’s not a word I like. My apologies to all of you for having to read it. I know I could go back and just delete it, but then I would also have to delete all the words I have written afterwards and that is really just too much time and energy wasted on Sarah Palin. And honestly, who cares about that b… that t…. that… let’s just go with asshat. Who cares about that asshat anymore?

Asshat is genderless, right?  I mean everyone has an ass and a head and pretty much every Republican I have met – male, female, intersex, Lindsey Graham – has been able to easily and successfully stick their head up their own ass or, in the case of Lindsey Graham, up Trump’s ass. There doesn’t seem to be male/female preference for being an asshat. I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU KIMBERLY GUFFEROLLAFUL.. GUFF.. GUER….  never mind her last name. You know who I am talking about. That bitch who is dating Don Jr.   Oh crap. I said bitch. I meant asshat. KIMBERLY GOOGLELY IS AN ASSHAT.  KEEP READING BECAUSE THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

I really am sorry. It’s one of those old dogs, new tricks situations. I need to stop using the term bitch to describe Republican women who always seem to have their head up their asses.

Maybe if I try to apply that term to a man…

Mike Pence, however, is the real bitch. Well shit. That doesn’t work either. Using bitch to belittle a man doesn’t really solve my problem. Mike Pence is actually a homophobic, boot licking, mother fucker…

Now wait. Just hold on right there. Hard stop.

Mother fucker is a horrible expression and I have now used it twice.  It is just horrible and not a term I tolerate. Except… Mike literally sleeps with a woman he calls Mother. So, there is that. But between you and me, I’m not real sure about the fucker part. He seems more like the Jerry Falwell Jr. in the corner while mother has sex with the pool boy type. My goodness but I sound like a dime store novel.

Unrelated but related, I need to remind you that Evangelicals got behind Trump in large numbers when Jerry Falwell Jr. told them that Trump was their guy. Is anyone now asking Evangelicals why Jerry Falwell Jr. was the guy they were listening to in the first place?

But I digress…

I need to stop here and explain something. I have always had a “sailor’s mouth” as my mother used to say. I haven’t shied away from words like shit, damn and asshole. I rarely used the term bitch until I met Sarah Palin, but the term just seemed to fit her so well. The problem is, once you let that cat out of the bag, a whole lot of other cats start hanging around. Cats like twit, mother fucker and even (dare I say it) the c-word. Cocaine.

How in the world did I get this low? How in the world did Jr. get that high?

I’m supposed to go high when they go low. And speaking of high, did anyone else catch Don Jr.’s speech? I mean this isn’t my world. I am really out of my lane here, but was that cocaine? It was cocaine, right? Or did that Kimberly girl just bitch slap the hell out of him? Oh shit, I used the word bitch again. Damn it. I blame the Trumps. They did this to me. They ruin everything. Of course, that doesn’t explain why I called Sarah Palin a bitch so many years ago. That was long before Trump. It must be the GOP then. The GOP ruins everything.

In truth, I might be on to something here. The GOP gave us Sarah and Donald. Son of a bitch! That’s it!

No wait. That’s an even worse expression. I’m just arbitrarily calling some mother a bitch. Unless of course that mother is Karen Pence! Oh, dear Lord. I’m really digging myself into a hole. I really don’t enjoy becoming this person. I’m normally a very happy, go lucky, you-be-you kind of gal. But in the last four years…

The last four years.

Isn’t that how it usually works, though? It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s usually a slow slide. You use bitch once and then you use it again and eventually it slides off the tongue like melted butter.

Take Trump for example. He lies. He lies a lot actually. And in the beginning, we were all taken aback by it. It was almost comical until it wasn’t. I’ll release my taxes but then I won’t. I admitted to sexually assaulting women and then I was really just joking. I told my wife I do until I didn’t. He lies. And then he lies about his lies. And then he lies so much we begin to normalize it because… That is just Trump being Trump. At least you always know what is on his mind. He’s not afraid to say what he is thinking. And before you know it, you’re drinking bleach, sticking a lightbulb up your ass, eating aquarium cleaners, not wearing a mask and just like that – 180,000 Americans are dead.

Or here is another one. You start by preventing people of color from living in buildings you own. You falsely accuse five young black boys of murder and call for their execution. You suggest that America’s first black President isn’t a legal citizen. You accuse Mexicans of being rapists and drug dealers. You call black neighborhoods hell on earth. You suggest Nazis are very fine people even when they drive a car over someone. You give a national platform to two accused felons who pointed guns at peaceful protestors and let them tell white people to arm themselves because the blacks are coming for them.  And just like that you have a white kid shooting people in the face because they are protesting police who are shooting black people in the back. Hate slips off Donald’s tongue like so much… so much melted butter.

In Trump’s America, a black man who might have a knife gets shot in the back seven times by police officers while a white teenager shooting people with a gun gets water and a thank you from police officers. So much butter in Trump’s big, fat America.

Trump, my friends, is a bitch of a twat mother fucker.  And I have no intentions of apologizing for using those words to describe him. It was a slippery slope to get there, but no other words fit quite so well. I thought about calling him the c-word. The c – word is a word that once referred to something beautiful. The Hindu Goddess Kunti, or great “Yoni of the Universe,” represented the beauty and power of the female body. It then was wrongfully changed to suggest something ugly because celebrating female sexuality was considered evil. It was beautiful and then someone decided to make it ugly. Trump takes everything that is beautiful and makes it ugly. He also seems to hate females. So, to me that word fits him. But as I type all these nasty words, I wonder if maybe I am digging myself into a hole. And is it a hole I  want to dig for myself because in Trump’s America, I feel like I reached bottom a long time ago.

I like words.  And I like President’s who knows more than four or five words. I don’t like Trump.

But speaking of digging a hole. Did you catch Nikki Haley’s speech? Now there is a woman who needs to stop digging. Nikki Haley has officially reached bottom too. Did she really go on national TV to make the case that America isn’t racist and then go on to make her case by describing how when she was Governor of South Carolina she had to remove a certain divisive symbol from the state’s Capitol after a white supremacist murdered several black people while they were praying in their church? I mean did I really hear her right? Damn it. This not calling people a bitch thing is really, really getting hard.

Ok. Let me start over here. Kimberly Gerfoul.. Gerulfile… Kimberly Goofball… you know.. that bitch dating Don Jr…

Well shit.

At this time, I would like to apologize to Margaret’s and my readers for my inability to discuss the Republican Party without using the terms bitch, fuckers, asshat, and the c-word. You all deserve better. And as a woman I should strive to be better. And I will try to be better. In fact, I will try to be best. And speaking of Melania. That bitch ruined Jackie’s rose garden. She took away all the color and most of the trees so she could get some better camera angles for her speech… oh shit. See what I did there? I got going on a rant and almost didn’t catch myself calling yet another female member of the GOP a bitch.

Ok deep breath. 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1

Now exhale.

Ok. I can do this. I can. I will. From this point forward, I commit to treating all women with more respect. Throwing out the term bitch every time I get mad at someone is lazy.  It’s ignorant. It’s anti-woman.  And I need to stop it because it is also misleading.

They aren’t bitches. They aren’t assholes or asshats. They aren’t mother fuckers. They aren’t even the c-word.

The are liars. Plain and simple.  And you don’t respond to liars by calling them names. You respond to liars by telling the truth.

I respect just how artfully Melania planned that rose garden massacre. About the same time that Trump realized his convention would have to be virtual, Melanie (oops – Melania) decided that the Rose Garden needed a remodel. In the middle of a pandemic and an economic disaster, the rose garden just had to have a makeover. Afterall, to get enough cameras and lighting for her Rose Garden Convention Speech, she would need to remove some trees and add some cement. She is clever that one. I’ll give her that. She might be the most clever of all the Trumps. I bet for awhile there, she was taking butter to bed with her almost every night. I also bet that of all the words that begin with C, you didn’t think I would use clever to describe Melania.

Kimberly Gerfo… Guhig… Guffoffly isn’t as clever.  And she is not a bitch. I mean she is, but you won’t hear that from me… anymore.  She is loud. I will give her that. VERY LOUD. And she dates a man who seems to snort lots of cocaine and quite literally lures endangered animals out of hiding so he can murder them. She left Fox News due to accusations of sexual misconduct and abusive behavior. Granted she denies that, but anyone who saw her screaming at America the other night probably would concur that she’s not an ideal co-worker.

But enough about Kimberly.  She is so not interested in the truth that she doesn’t even realize her mother isn’t an immigrant. Kimberly, they had an acutal immigrant on later in the show.  You didn’t have to lie. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LEADERS AND FIGHTERS FOR FREEDOM AND LIBERTY, KIM’S PUERTO RICAN MOTHER IS ACTUALLY A US CITIZEN!  It was inevitable that Kim would find the Trumps – another family that seems to get confused about Puerto Ricans. I’m just shocked she had a brief layover with Gavin Newsome on her way to hell. But I guess that might say more about Gavin than it does about Kimberly.

Nikki Haley really isn’t a bitch either.  She is a liar, sure. And a hypocrite, absolutely.  She admitted that Donald Trump was “everything we hear and teach our children not to do in Kindergarten” . She then went to work for him and now supports his reelection.  The woman who couldn’t even last two full years working for Trump wants us to sign up for eight years. What exactly is she teaching her children now? By the way, Nikki, the word you forgot to use in your speech was Confederate. It was a Confederate flag you were talking about.  And all those black lives that you said mattered?  You forgot a few.  You forgot Emmett, Eric, Dante, Treyvon, Breonna, George… You forgot to mention those black lives and so many others. Did they matter, Nikki?  Did they?  Because they were all somebody’s baby.

Racism in America is real Nikki. They’ll be asking for your birth certificate in four years. Mark my words.

And speaking of birth certificates…

In retrospect, Melania Trump is not a bitch either. She really doesn’t care anyway. She does not care about a lot of things. She says she does, but she doesn’t.  She told us she was taking on internet bullies and well that didn’t go very well. She is still married to the king of internet trash. She went to visit children in cages quite literally wearing a jacket that said, “I really don’t care. Do you?”. She says it had nothing to do with the visit, but that really isn’t the point. The point is that the First Lady doesn’t care. The woman has never apologized for suggesting that Obama’s birth certificate wasn’t real. Mr. and Mrs. Birther. God, they are awful.

And now at the convention Melania claimed that Donald Trump is honest. Seriously? The man is on record lying to the American people thousands of times. He cheated on all three of his wives including Melania, whom he cheated on with a porn star shortly after Melania gave birth to Barron. Bless her heart, but the third wife (third!) actually told Americans that Donald would never give up on you. I mean if irony was going to die, how better fitting than to die in a rose garden that Melania renovated to look like a cemetery?

(Side note: I don’t have an issue with porn stars. I hear Stormy is a pretty good one. In truth, Melania got her start as one – sort of. I really don’t know the difference between a soft porn star and a hard porn star. Well, unless they are male. But I am getting off track. I just thought I should point out that in the Trump family you can go from porn to the White House in less than one lifetime… that’s impressive regardless of your political affiliation. OK. This was really just an opportunity for me to point out that Tim Scott’s family going from Cotton to Congress in one lifetime is indeed remarkable. But it’s even more remarkable that he doesn’t see the irony in that statement. The irony that he isn’t just the first, but he is THE ONLY African American to be elected to both the United States House and Senate. Tim, why aren’t there more?)

If Donald Trump had been President in 1996, Melania would not even be an American citizen. And neither would her parents. Barron would probably be called a dreamer or an anchor baby. And while I appreciate that Melania’s heart [sic] goes out to the families who have lost loved ones to COVID-19, just what exactly has she done about it? What empathy has she or her husband ever shown to anyone? Let me remind you AGAIN that the woman wore an I DON’T CARE jacket to visit kids in cages and her husband said he had no responsibility when it came to the pandemic. I honestly must question the existence of a heart in either one of them.

And speaking of heartless…

Mike Pence is not a bitch either. He is a mother fucker by definition. Hey, come on now.  I’m not willing to budge on that. I don’t call Karen, Mother. He does.

You don’t like the expression Mother Fucker? Ok. Fair enough. Let me just go back to calling him a homophobic, hypocritical, liar. That’s not name calling. That is just fact. If you are reading this and you are voting for Trump, then I am not going to waste my time explaining why each of those words is accurate.  You have access to the internet. Use your head for something other than a hat rack and Google it.

Mike is asking us to make America great again… again. His words. Not mine. He wants us to make America great again, again. I am wondering if the second time around we can do it without praising Nazis, without botching the response to a pandemic, and with Biden as President rather than Trump. I would watch that sequel.

All week long we have been hearing that the only one who can save us from this mess is the guy who made the mess. I am actually writing this on Thursday afternoon, before Donald gives his speech. I don’t intend to watch. I don’t need to watch. He will lie a few times, call it the China virus, suggest that Biden wants to defund police, tell us that suburbs are about to become shithole countries, and then finish it off with a few more lies all while tightly squeezing his butt cheeks so Lindsey Graham, Marco Rubio, Susan Collins, Martha McSally and Mitch McConnell don’t fall out.

If you really believe that the protesting and the resulting violence in the streets right now can be blamed on Biden, then nothing anyone says or writes is going to save you from yourself. Trump is the President. He has been the President since 2017. He is the one dividing us. He is the one who called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers. He is the one who said Nazis were fine people. He is the one speaking ill of our allies while professing his love for Kim Jong-un. He is the one who ignored Russian bounties on American soldiers. He is the one suggesting that suburbs will be overrun by people of color if we don’t vote for him. He created this entire mess. He has been the President for four years. The buck stops with him.  He wants us to believe that he created the greatest economy in history.  Funny.  Two weeks into quarantine tens of thousands of families were lining up at food banks.  How come so many people were one paycheck away from poverty?

This election is a choice between decency and debauchery. It started five years ago when the GOP candidates debated the size of each other’s penis and then ultimately nominated the man who mocked a disabled person and bragged about sexually assaulting women. They melted the butter.

I don’t claim to be decent. I have a mouth like a sailor. But I am not running for President. I don’t represent the American people. I have not taken an oath of office to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. The world doesn’t turn to me for guidance and doesn’t hold me up as an example.

When it comes to telling stories, I choose naughty words because they make me laugh.  But when it comes to choosing a President, I choose honesty. I choose decency. I choose Biden.

To quote Kimberly Guilfoyle, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!  They are coming in January and their names are Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. I mean it. Really.

NOTE FROM MARGARET: Helen, did you know they went and remade One Day at a Time? Not sure it was necessary but that Rita Moreno sure is a hoot. 

Text VOTE to 30330 and then make your plan to vote.

Margaret, they passed a $2.2 trillion dollar stimulus package. For years we’ve complained about failing schools, homelessness, hunger, affordable healthcare, clean water, clean air… Who knew that the real problem was the Cheesecake Factory not able to pay its April rent?

One trillion dollars is a big number. Very big. At first, I thought it was a hundred billion, but I was a zero off. It’s one thousand billion or 1,000,000,000,000. How does one get their head around 1,000 billion? Is one million million better? Twelve zeros. Wow.

Well, it’s a butt load of money for sure. And we got $2.2 trillion. And by we, I mean corporations.

I know. I know. A bunch of people are saying “But we’re all getting a check for $1,200.” Well not all. But a lot of us will. So yes. The American taxpayer finally got some relief. Twelve hundred for everyone is a lot of money.

Or maybe not…

Less than half of Americans pay taxes. Mainly because some people, mostly dependent children, don’t work. And then some taxpayers make more than the $99,000 (three zeros) limit. And let’s face it. If your paycheck has that many zeros, you don’t need a stimulus check. You’ll be fine. <insert sarcastic granny emoji here>

But see, here’s the deal. Remember that $2.2 trillion dollars? With that many zeros you could just cut a $6,000 check for EVERY American no matter how old. That’s $24,000 for a family of four. Hell, you could give everyone $3,000 and still have $1.2 trillion dollars to save the airlines, cruise lines, and the Kennedy Center. That’s $12,000 to a family of four and you still have $1,200,000,000,000 leftover to give to businesses.

Suddenly that $1,200 from Mitch McConnell and company isn’t looking so good, is it? Oh, but it gets worse. Do you see that point two there at the end of $2.2 trillion? That point 2 is actually two hundred billion or $200,000,000,000. A two followed by 11 zeros. You take just that point 2 and every American could get $600 or $2,400 for a family of four.

Point Two.

But not every American needs a bailout. So how about we just go back to those tax payers who are getting $1,200. That’s about 150 million people… or 150,000,000. That’s a lot of people. I mean look at all those zeros. If you give all of those people $1,200 surely there won’t be enough left over to save the airlines.

Let’s do the math: 1,200 times 150 million… carry the one… add a zero… and look at that… it adds up to a whopping 180 billion dollars.

$180,000,000,000

That leaves roughly 2 trillion dollars to help the Cheesecake Factory.

$2.02 trillion to be exact.

I don’t know about you, but I’d say the American people just got screwed again. But there’s cheesecake at the end of this story so that’s good.

And while we’re all enjoying our cheesecake, we can enjoy Trump talking about how big this bailout is. The biggest ever. Huge. Very huge. Like nothing we’ve ever seen before. And we had to do it. We had to. We had the greatest economy in like forever, and it was tanking. The numbers were dropping. So, we had to do it.

Trump recently said we had to save the airlines and the cruise ships because “like they are probably the biggest industry in the country. Travel and leisure. I mean if you add them all up together, they are like the biggest.”

Guess what? They aren’t even in the top ten.

Now how is it that I know that, but the President of the United States doesn’t? And how is it that in a room full of reporters, no one asked the question, “Are you high, sir? Or are you just making this shit up?” The first reporter who asks that question gets a best-selling book deal and a prime-time cable news show. I’d guarantee it. Because all of us at home are certainly thinking it. Hell, we’re throwing shit at the TV when you don’t ask it. “Mr. President, do you get along with the Mayor of New York?” What the hell kind of question is that?

You want to ask questions? Here are a few questions to ask:

  • If you have to choose between a falling stock market and people dying, which do you choose, sir?
  • Being we haven’t seen your tax returns Mr. President, how much did your family’s stock portfolio just go up? I’m not talking about your companies, sir. Those were exempted out. And I’m sure you’ll whine about that soon enough.  I’m talking about your stock investments and those of your kids.  How much did those just go up?
  • Mr. President, sir, why is your face orange? (Hey, they asked Elizabeth Warren what she used on her face.)
  • Mr. President, why did you lie to the American people about the dangers of this virus?
  • With all due respect, sir, most people aren’t in the stock market and they don’t want to go back to work until it’s safe. Do you think it’s right for them to risk their lives so the Dow goes back up?
  • Sir. Sir. Over here sir. Yes. I was wondering if I could ask you about that point two trillion?
  • Mr. President, when we open the country back up on Easter Sunday, will there be cheesecake?

If a United States Republican Congressman can yell “liar” at President Obama during the State of the Union, can’t one reporter do it to Trump during a press briefing? It’s what Trump does more than anything else. And it’s what he is best at – Lying. He lies about his golf game. He lies about his taxes. He lies about test kits. He lies about ventilators. He lies about the size of his hands. The man lies about his lies. Don’t fact check him after the fact. If I can tell he’s lying from my sofa, surely you can call him out while he’s right there?

To be honest, I had to look up that airline industry thing to be certain, but I was pretty sure. Not a single reporter could figure that out? If only you had like a professional fact checker thing. Like a device you could carry around. Maybe small enough to fit in your hand. Something you could quickly type in “Largest US industry” … information, manufacturing of non-durable goods, retail trade, wholesale trade… Nope. No travel and leisure.

If only you had a device like that. And what if it was so amazing you didn’t even have to type.  You could just ask your question and it gives you the answer?  Hey Siri. What’s the largest industry in the United States? Alexa. Are people worth more than airlines? Cortana. How many zeros in a trillion? Hey Siri. Who is Cortana?

Hey. You know what is bigger than Travel and Leisure? The Arts and Entertainment industry. And they didn’t even crack the point two or even point one. The arts – bigger than the airlines- didn’t even get a billion.  Imagine that.

Trump is an idiot. And reporters are letting him get away with it. Enjoy your cheesecake. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, I get it. I really do. We are in the middle of a pandemic. Everyone is scared and things are a bit crazy. Of course, the President should address the American people. Of course, he should. But just not this one. It’s not helping. It really isn’t.

There is nothing decent about this man. He has cheated on all three of his wives. His career is filled with lawsuits, bankruptcies, claims of racism, tax evasion, discrimination, even rape. Nothing. Nothing about this man is honorable much less tolerable. His only claim to fame is taking joy in firing people on national television.

How he became President I’ll never understand, but he did. And since becoming President over three years ago, he’s proven time and time again that he is pretty horrible at his job. In fact, if I were his boss, I’d fire him. I mean when he fabricated stories about the size of his inauguration, I would have just rolled my eyes and wondered if I had hired the wrong person. When he threw paper towels at hurricane victims, I probably would have at least sat him down. Told him he was out of line. Maybe written him up and given him a warning. But when he suggested that Nazi’s running over a woman with a car should be given some slack because they might be very fine people… well then… then, I would have fired his ass.

But I’m not his boss… well technically I guess I am, but you know… Representative government and all. So, he’s still there and now there’s this pandemic and for some reason he insists on crawling out of his drug induced coma each day at 11:30 to address the American people. And even though he is surrounded by a bunch of experts, the media keeps asking him the questions. The fact that he constantly makes shit up doesn’t seem to stop them. They keep asking questions and he’s keeps making shit up.

I’ve got a suggestion. How about we stop asking the elephant in the room questions and instead direct them to the experts standing behind him? What do they say, fool me once? Well he’s fooled them about 15,000 times and they just keep asking. Stop asking the asshat questions! Ask the experts. After all, millions of lives depend on the answers being correct.

And let’s be clear. When I say expert, I don’t mean Mike Pence. His version of social distancing is to quarantine in Trump’s ass. And somehow from inside Trump’s ass he still manages to pat Trump on the back while simultaneously giving him a standing ovation. No. Mike Pence is the expert in one thing and one thing only – brown nosing. I’m talking Dr. Anthony Fauci or Dr. Deborah Birx or even that Chad guy. Who is Chad again?

We need answers. We need them desperately. Millions of lives are depending on those answers. I am begging the White House Press Corps to stoping ask Trump the fucking questions.

We need answers. Not lies. Really. I mean it.

Margaret, I’m sorry to say that the Social Distancing diet is fattening. My ass is almost as big as Trump’s ego, but easier to view if I do say so myself. The man gave himself a 10 out of 10 for how he has handled this. Really? Try to get tested right now. Just try. In my book the grade is zero which is also the number of tests you are going to find unless you are in another country or a professional basketball player.

Over a week ago he told us “Anyone who wants a test can get a test.” He repeated that statement more than once. That’s odd because yesterday the Governor of Texas announced that 15,000 tests would be available by the end of the week. The end of THIS WEEK. Texas has a population of 30,000,000. That’s 30 million.  1 test for every 2,000 Texans… but anyone who wants one… Math seems to be hard for the GOP.

Until this week Fox News continued to tell people it was all a Democratic hoax. But yesterday Trump said he knew it was a Pandemic a long time ago which is odd because he told everyone at his last rally that it was a Democrat “new hoax”. Either he was lying to all his supporters then or he’s lying to all Americans now. Well, I’ve got news for all those Trump supporting Fox News viewers. You are in for a real surprise when you head to the grocery store for toilet paper this week.

Trump also calls this the Chinese Virus because  finding blame for a pandemic is very Trumpian. He blames everything on Mexico, China, Obama or fake news. It’s as if he hasn’t been President for over three years. You know what Obama had to do with COVID19? Nothing. Honestly, if this really was called the Chinese Virus it would have a Trump clothing label on it and his moron of a first daughter would be trying to get it trademarked. The man has no shame and the sense God gave a goose.  My apology to geese.

A real President would have declared COVID19 a public health emergency within a week of the first US case being detected. In a fully functioning government, the first test to detect the new virus would have been approved by the FDA two days later and shipments of the new CDC test would have gone out within 2 weeks. You know – EXACTLY HOW THEN PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA HANDLED THE H1N1 VIRUS.

But not Donald Trump.  It’s over two months since the first case in the US and we are just now getting any type of major testing underway.  Asked whether he took responsibility for the apparent lag in widespread testing, Trump said, “No, I don’t take responsibility at all because we were given a — a set of circumstances, and we were given rules, regulations and specifications from a different time.”

Well I call BULLSHIT.  This Asshat fired the U.S. pandemic response team in 2018 to cut costs.  And that is a fact.  Here are some other facts:

  • December 31: Health officials in Wuhan, China, post a notice about investigating a pneumonia outbreak. The World Health Organization (WHO) acknowledges that it “was informed of a cluster of cases of pneumonia of unknown cause.”
  • January 14: Two cases of Coranavirus (COVID19) reported in the US.
  • January 21: Dr. Nancy Messonnier, a senior CDC official handling the response to respiratory diseases, tells reporters, “We do expect additional cases in the United States and globally.”
  • January 22: Trump says he isn’t worried that the outbreak could turn into a global pandemic, “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China, and we have it under control. It’s going to be just fine.”
  • January 24: Trump posts his first of many misleading tweets about the coronavirus. He praises the Chinese government for its “transparency” handling the outbreak and says, “it will all work out well.”
  • January 25: The WHO says there are more than 1,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • January 31: Two weeks after the first reported cases in the US, Trump administration declares a public health emergency in the United States because of the coronavirus and blocks foreigners who visited China from entering the country.
  • February 1: The WHO says there are more than 10,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 6: The WHO says there are more than 25,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 7: Trump tweets that China “will be successful” in stopping the coronavirus, “especially as the weather starts to warm & the virus hopefully becomes weaker, and then gone.”
  • February 10: At a political rally in New Hampshire, Trump mentions the coronavirus and says it “looks like, by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.”
  • February 14:  One month since first reported cases in US
  • February 15: The WHO says there are more than 50,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 19: The WHO says there are more than 75,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 24: Trump tweets, “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”
  • February 25: Messonnier, the CDC official, says it is inevitable that the coronavirus will spread in the US and that Americans need to prepare for disruptions to their daily lives.
  • February 25: Trump tells reporters during his trip to India that the virus is “a problem that’s going to go away.”
  • February 26: At a White House press conference, Trump contradicts the assessment from the CDC that the virus will definitely spread throughout the US. Trump says, “I don’t think it’s inevitable. I think that there’s a chance that it could get worse, a chance it could get fairly substantially worse, but nothing’s inevitable.”
  • February 27: The WHO says there are more than 82,000 confirmed cases worldwide.
  • February 28: At another political rally Trump tells supporters, “The Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus. They’re politicizing it.” Then Trump called the coronavirus “their new hoax.”
  • February 29: Health officials in Washington state announce the first coronavirus death inside the United States. Forty-six (46) days after the first reported cases in the US, Trump conceded that “additional cases in the United States are likely.”
  • March 5:  Vice President and Chief Brown Noser Mike Pence admits we don’t have enough tests.
  • March 6: Trump lies (again) and says “Anyone who wants a test, can get a test.”
  • March 14: Two months since first reported cases in the US.
  • March 18: Sixty-four (64) days after the first reported cases in the US and we are still asking “Where are the tests?”
  • March 19: Global cases approach a quarter of a million. Cases in the US approach 10,000. Over 150 Americans have died. Many Hospitals report that tests are arriving broken or with incomplete parts.

(Sidenote:  My idiot Senator from Texas, John Cornyn – the other idiot Senator from Texas I should say – says that viruses like Swine Flu are China’s fault because they eat weird food. He then goes home to have some bacon-wrapped jalapenos and bison burgers. At the same time Ted Cruz emerges from self-quarantine but admits that he was never tested. Ted Cruz doesn’t play basketball professionally and I guess beating Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t get you a free test kit.)

We are all now hoarding toilet paper and social distancing. Millions of people are sheltering in place. Schools and universities are closed. Tens of thousands of Uber and Lyft drivers, artists, theatres, restaurants, clubs, small businesses, large businesses will go under. The stock market is heading south faster than my friends Marvin and Fannie Stein do from New York in October.  And our Supreme Leader Trump is most concerned about saving the Cruise Ship and Airline industries. The man is an asshat.

Contrary to popular belief, I was born after the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic.  I’m really not sure what to tell you.  I would imagine, however, that social distancing means it’s ok to drink alone.

Helen’s COVID19 Quarantini

  • 1-part vermouth
  • 19 parts gin
  • Garnished with a Vitamin C tablet
  • Served Chilled with Hand Sanitizer

The world is indeed a bit crazy these days, but we can all get through this together… even if that means we must be apart for a while.  I mean it. Really.

Margaret, have you been watching any news lately or did you give up and go back to just talking to your parrots? If you did, I don’t blame you. The media is about to make me lose my religion. There’s so much shit being broadcast, I’m more lost than a fart in a fan factory. Somehow the Iowa Caucuses, which to be honest are about as interesting as watching paint dry, are headline news because we didn’t get our vote count in ten minutes. But an impeached President disrespects the National Anthem, can’t find Missouri on a map and then goes on TV and sniffs and snorts and lies to the American people and it’s declared a victory because he’s just rallying his confederacy of dunces. Lord Jesus have mercy. Where do I begin?

How about I start with Iowa. The news didn’t get their triple-washed results spoon fed to them and all hell broke loose. It took 24 hours to begin to get results. Oh the horror of it all. Honestly I ask you: How could it NOT take a day or two? Did you watch the damn thing? A hundred and fifty thousand Iowans came running out of the corn fields and into gymnasiums and cafeterias with something called a Presidential Preference Card. Once inside they proceeded to have an old-fashioned pig pickin’. People gathered here and then gathered there only to learn that this candidate wasn’t viable and then that candidate was, and suddenly those preference cards were being traded like Green Stamps. For you Bernie supporters out there, Green Stamps have nothing to do with immigrants or the environment.  A better reference for your age group might be Pokémon cards.  And for you Klobuchar supporters – think Beanie Babies. Before you know it, one woman was so confused, she traded away her preference card for Buttigieg not realizing that God has issues with Chasten. I kid you not.

If you ask me, the fact that we started getting results the next day is remarkable.

Look, I’m poking fun at our friends from Iowa, but the truth of the matter is this. It’s a caucus. It’s complicated by design. If it were easy, everyone would participate, and we certainly can’t have that.  And if you think Iowa can’t caucus, imagine what would happen if Florida tried it? Or better yet, Georgia.  Folks – voter suppression is something Americans excel at. Iowa has about 800,000 registered Democrats and over 600,000 didn’t caucus for shit.  With a 19% turnout, you would think we could get those results quickly. Am I right?

Wrong.

This isn’t a disaster. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s a caucus. Shit happens. In 2012 the Republicans were caucusing for Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann, John Huntsman and a couple other candidates who might have been named Gabbard and Yang for all I know. Mitt Romney was declared the winner… until he wasn’t.  Almost 16 days later Rick Santorum was declared the winner but only after the Iowa GOP announced it was really just too close to call anyone a winner.  Four years later in 2016 we think Ted Cruz won, but Ben Carson accused Cruz supporters of cheating and Donald Trump claimed it was rigged against him.  Yeah. That happened.  So… getting results 24 hours later – not really a news story.  But you would have never known that considering how many journalists set their hair on fire yesterday as we waited for the Iowa Democrats to weigh in.  Funny how that was the news when, on the other side, an impeached President was running virtually unopposed.

But it’s not like we are lacking for news ever with this asshat in the White House. How many hours and hours, days, weeks, months even did the media spend on NFL football players supposedly disrespecting the flag by quietly kneeling during the National Anthem. Remember that? Remember how Trump wanted them all fired? Remember how the GOP said they should just shut up and play or even better they could just leave the country if they hated it so much – remember that?  Of course, you do.  It was headline news for… well considering we still hear about it – forever. And yet, when an impeached President Trump waves his hands, points at people and even tries to take a seat  druing the Anthem while others stand at attention with their hands over their hearts… well we don’t hear much about that because evidently the Iowa Caucuses were rigged. Thanks media. Once again you have proven about as useful as a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest.

And then just as the Iowa Caucus results are released, we cut away to the impeached President’s State of the Union Address otherwise know as Trump’s Tall Tales. Among other bullshit, Trump delivered NRA propaganda as red meat. Fred Guttenberg was in the audience. He lost his daughter, Jamie, during the Parkland shootings. Fred spoke truth to power last night while Trump lied to America. Fred was removed from the room. Trump continued to lie.

  • Fact: Trump is fighting in the courts to get rid of insurance coverage for pre-existing conditions.
  • Fact: The economy grew faster under Obama.
  • Fact: Midwest manufacturing activity has hit a 4-year low under Trump.
  • Fact: More jobs were created during Obama’s final three years than during Trumps first three.
  • Fact: Nobody aborts babies.
  • Fact: Donald Trump is a liar.

But what will the story be?  Nancy Pelosi ripped up the speech.

Give me a break mainsteam media. She just tore up the speech. If I had been there, I would have torn him a new asshole. It’s not that you’re fake news. It’s that you’re no news. Get off your asses and do your jobs. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, I don’t suffer fools gladly. Nor do I gladly suffer today’s Conservative Christian Republicans. And now that I’ve read those first two lines, I realize I’m being repetitive.

To be clear there are some of each I can tolerate and some I even love. Not all conservatives are racists, but many are without even knowing it. Not all Christians are hypocrites and I would venture to say most aren’t. And not all Republicans are asshats although I’m beginning to think most are. But every Conservative Christian Republican I have met has very definitely been a racist, hypocritical asshat. Every. Single. One. By definition.

By definition a conservative is a person who is averse to change and holds to traditional values and attitudes. The problem with that is traditionally we have created a country that values some and discriminates against others. America has a real problem with racism and other-ism and it’s not going to be solved by clinging to traditional values.

By definition a Christian is a person who has received Christian baptism and is a believer in Christianity. Christianity is the religion based on the person and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. Interestingly enough Jesus was born into a family of refugees fleeing violence in their homeland. You know, they were… well… they were immigrants and not the fair-skinned ones from Europe.

By definition a Republican is a person who is a member or supporter of the Republican Party. The Republican Party has chosen Donald Trump to be its leader. Most Republicans are conservative but it’s not necessarily a requirement. Donald Trump is a racist but he is not a conservative. He is also not a Christian. He is, however, an asshat.

In case you are missing my point, let me spell it out for you. You can’t follow the teachings of Christ while supporting Donald Trump. Nor can you claim to be a Conservative. Those paths don’t just diverge, they were never together to begin with. You could still be a Republican, but honestly why would you? Republicans are idiots.

Ouch. That wasn’t very Christian of me. But, you know what? I’m pretty sure Jesus would think the same about Republicans. And I know for damn sure Jesus would not gladly suffer a Conservative Christian Republican. Even Jesus has his limits.

Conservative Christian Republicans think there is a war on Christmas. There isn’t. There just seems to be a misunderstanding about when to say Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays. It’s really not that hard.

Merry Christmas is a lovely greeting between two Christians during the month of December. Happy Holidays is a lovely thing to say to someone when you want them to have a Happy Holiday. It actually comes in handy when you are not sure if someone is a Christian. Over 5 billion people on this planet are not Christian. That’s Billion with a B.

And Conservative Christian Republicans really, really, really don’t like to abort babies. Interesting fact: aborting a baby isn’t a thing. We abort a fertilized egg, a blastocyst, an embryo, and sometimes a fetus. By 24 weeks a fetus has a chance of survival outside the uterus. If we’re talking about something later than that, we’re really talking about a pregnancy gone horribly wrong.

The fact that Conservative Christian Republicans have a talking point about post-birth abortions tells you all you need to know about how unChristian they are. If you can’t make your case with the truth then do you really have a case? There is indeed something called a late-term abortion.  It’s not pretty. It’s not happy.  It’s usually the last choice, but it is a choice a woman sometimes makes. And if you knew anything about why a woman might have to make that choice, you would be questioning your faith in God before you would be questioning the choice of that woman.

But bring that child into the world and suddenly all bets are off with Conservative Christian Republicans. They cage them rather than welcome them. You realize seven have already died while in our custody. Seven that we know of.

The GOP sends our kids off to war in exchange for oil. Trump sends them off in exchange for payment. And Conservative Christian Republicans vote for that shit. And evidently they have lengthy conversations with Donald about how many times they flush their toilets.

They also support the death penalty knowing full well that innocent people have mistakenly (or purposely) been executed. And knowing full well that the death penalty is unfairly used to condemn a higher percentage of people of color.

Conservative Christian Republicans believe that God created the world and everything in it. And yet somehow efforts to save the world are considered liberal heresy. Trump doesn’t like energy efficient light bulbs because they make him look orange. Honey, it’s not the bulbs.

Suggesting that 13 year old Barron Trump isn’t a Baron is unforgivable but mocking 16 year old Greta Thunberg for wanting to save the world will get you several hundred thousand likes in MAGA Twitter World.

Can I just pause a minute and focus on Melanie… I mean Melania, our First Lady of Porn… I mean of the United States. Honey, save your outrage. Spare us your mother bear act about politicizing children. Your husband cages children and you went to visit them wearing a jacket that said “I don’t care. Do you?” A few months later you and your orange husband posed with a picture of an infant whose parents were killed by a racist mass murderer. In that photo hubby was giving the “thumbs up.”

I hear Melanie… Melania is upset that Michelle Obama was featured on more magazine covers. Honestly I don’t get it either. With those perky kidneys of hers, I’d think Melania would be on all the men’s magazine covers.

A Conservative Christian Republican will claim that Trump was chosen by God while completely ignoring he is an adulterous, lying, greedy, hateful…have I mentioned recently that Trump is a sack of shit? He stole from charities. He mocked a disabled man. He admitted on video to being a sexual predator and used his position in the pageant world to sneak a peak at young women changing clothes. He sexualized his own daughter on a national radio show agreeing that she was a piece of ass. Let that sink in. When another man asked permission to call his daughter a piece of ass, Trump said “Yeah” and then later on a national television show he suggested he would date her if she wasn’t his daughter. If you think Trump is the chosen one, Jesus thinks you’re an idiot. Of this I am sure.

Here’s the thing. Jesus wasn’t rich. He also wasn’t white. He was a carpenter. If you know anything about Donald Trump then you should know he’s been sued by a lot of carpenters because Trump doesn’t pay his bills. He has also been sued by people of color because he doesn’t like having them live in buildings he owns. Jesus became a preacher but not the kind that flew around in private jets and hung out with Kanye. And, most importantly, his teachings were far from conservative:

Matthew 25:31-46 – “…I was a stranger and you welcomed me.”

Luke 4:16-21 – “…Bring good news to the poor…release to the captives…sight to the blind…let the oppressed go free.”

Luke 3:11 – “Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none…”

Romans 12:13 – “Mark of the true Christian: “…Extend hospitality to strangers…”

I don’t like Conservative Christian Republicans for the same reasons I don’t like Donald Trump. They are racist, hypocritical asshats. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, nobody is perfect. Lord knows I’ve been known to have a mental lapse every now and then. Like when I thought Tulsi Gabbard might have some good ideas to add to the debates. She didn’t and that’s ok. I’m a big enough person to admit when I’m wrong. Having that capacity – that strength – to admit your mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and then move on – well that’s actually a sign of good character. Which is exactly the reason why I can say without a doubt that Donald J. Drumpf, the 45th (gulp) President of these United States must have a really, really, really tiny penis.

Now hear me out…

Yesterday, Donald told a crowd of idiots that he was building a wall in New Mexico. He isn’t, but that’s not the point of this story. And for those of you who are upset that I just arbitrarily called the entire crowd idiots, just hang in there. I’ll make my case.

Trump told the room full of morons – I mean idiots – that he was building a wall in New Mexico. And then he added that he was building a wall in Colorado. And then in Texas… Wait. What? Colorado? He’s building a wall in Colorado? Yep. That’s what he said. And apparently it’s “a big one that really works.” He then joked about not building one in Kansas. And thank goodness about that because Oklahoma already feels insecure enough. Being cut off from Trump’s United States would just be rubbing salt in those Sooner wounds.

But about that wall in Colorado…

Why Colorado? Does Trump think that Colorado is a border state? Or does he really just hate ALL Mexicans? Old Mexicans. New Mexicans. You know, all those brown people illegally immigrating from Santa Fe and Albuquerque and places farther south. The rapists and the drug dealers with their turquoise jewelry and Hatch green chilis. Or maybe Trump just isn’t very smart.

And speaking of not very smart… Remember the room full of idiots? At the mention of a wall in Colorado they all leapt to their feet and applauded. Hot damn. Trump is gonna build that there wall in Colorado. A big one that really works. That’ll keep out those… those Mex… those New Mex… those (how do you spell that sound a trombone makes?)

Calling them idiots is a compliment. It was mostly a room full of white men with straight lines for family trees. Dear lord let’s hope they all have slow swimming sperm so the tree trunk can just stop right there with that last red baseball cap. If your family tree has no branches, that red hat comes in handy due to the lack of shade.

Now it’s bad enough that Trump can’t place Colorado on a map. And like I said, nobody is perfect. But this guy, this stable genius can’t admit when he’s wrong. Ever. EVER! A few hours later, the asshat tweets out an explanation that he was just kidding about building a wall in Colorado just like he was kidding about not building a wall in Kansas. He was (and I quote) “referring to the people in the very packed auditorium from Colorado and Kansas, getting the benefit of the border wall.”

What. The. F…

He couldn’t just admit that he was wrong. He couldn’t just say that he had made a mistake. Did I mention that he was giving this speech in this packed auditorium full of people from Colorado and Kansas… did I mention it was in Pennsylvania? Now to his credit it was Pittsburgh which is on the far western side of Pennsylvania. That’s only a mere 1,400 miles from Denver and a quick 900 miles from Topeka. All those folks from Colorado and Kansas probably commute daily. Whenever politicians want to score points in Pittsburgh they make it a point to throw red meat to the hoards of voters from Colorado and Kansas. Really. It’s a thing.

If you can’t ever admit when you are wrong, why in the hell should we ever believe you when you insist you are right? I think just maybe it’s because you are almost never right. And I doubt you give a shit.

Bless his heart. The problem with Donald J. Trump isn’t just that he’s an idiot. The problem with Donald J. Trump is that he’s an idiot who also lacks character. And still worse, he’s the most insecure person I’ve ever known. All those stories about how he’s the greatest this and the only that and the perfect phone calls. What the hell is a perfect phone call? Did Ukraine accept the charges? Did it end with an I love you?

No, Mr. Trump you are not the only President in history to donate his salary. Hoover and Kennedy did.

No, Mr. Trump you haven’t been treated worse than any other President ever. Four sitting Presidents have been assassinated while in office.

No, Mr. Trump your crowds aren’t the biggest ever. Your words aren’t the best ever. Your phone call wasn’t perfect. And your hotels aren’t the best locations for G-7 summits.

Just stop being a total piece of shit and admit when you are wrong. Is that so hard? Are you really that insecure? My god, just how small must your penis be? I mean how serious a problem can we be dealing with here? Can someone help me out? Ivana? Marla? Melania? Stormy? Ivanka? Russian Hooker #4? How bad is it?

And to the entire GOP – is this really the ship you want to go down with? This guy? The guy so insecure he flipped off the female astronauts who politely corrected his incorrect statement about females who have walked in space? That’s your guy? The guy with the bad combover and the cheap suits made in China? The guy who just brought our soldiers home from Syria by selling them to Saudi Arabia? The guy who last year said the Kurds were our friends and is now abandoning them because they didn’t help us in World War II?

You don’t follow that guy. You impeach that guy.

And for the record, the various congressional committees that have been investigating a possible impeachment have members from BOTH parties. The Republicans have NOT been shut out of the process. Sure Matt Gaetz has been shut out, but that‘s only because he sits on the Asshats With DUI’s Committee which isn’t a part of the impeachment inquiry.

That little third grade stunt yesterday where GOP congressmen stormed a closed hearing room was just that- a stunt. And it was the worst display of poor statesmanship since Joe Wilson yelled “You Lie” at Obama during a joint address to congress. Grow the hell up. You are supposed to be the nation’s leaders.

If this is the best the Republican Party has to offer, then maybe Tulsi Gabbard should come out as a Republican. How hard could it be to shine in that chandelier of dimwits?

And if you are a Democrat, I am begging you. No matter who gets the nomination. We all get our asses out to the voting booth and vote blue no matter who. Even you Tulsites. There will be no Jill Stein mistakes this year. Because America can’t take another four years of this shithead. I mean it. Really.

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