Margaret honey, nothing pisses me off more than when a man has an opinion about something he knows nothing about. And one thing for damn sure a man knows nothing about is what’s in a woman’s mind and heart when she is making a decision about whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. It’s called an abortion. It’s not a dirty word. It’s legal. It’s a woman’s right. It’s personal. A woman can choose to have one or not. And damn it, there is no such thing as a post-birth abortion unless you’re talking about the death penalty (which is a whole nother GOP lie).

The fact that the GOP has a talking point about post-birth abortions tells you all you need to know about how stupid the GOP is and how stupid they think voters are. If you can’t make your case with the truth then do you really have a case? There is indeed something called a late-term abortion.  It’s not pretty. It’s not happy.  It’s usually the last choice, but it is a choice a woman sometimes makes. And if you knew anything about why a woman might have to make that choice, you would be questioning your faith in God before you would be questioning the choice of that woman.

Contrary to what our asshat of a President and his confederacy of dunces think, women don’t pull up to a Planned Parenthood and order up an abortion like it’s a Big Mac.  No one at Planned Parenthood takes our request for a pregnancy test and tries to upsize us to an abortion and some fries. Women make this decision with a great deal of thought, prayer and consultation with our loved ones and our doctors.

I am an old woman. I don’t like the f-word. I didn’t use that word until the orange asshat arrived. But on this topic, you bet your sweet ass I’ll use it. FUCK YOU GOP for continuing to politicize this deeply personal decision that should be left between a woman and her doctor. Get your lies out of our government and get your politics out of our vaginas. And while you are at it, why don’t you get those children at the border out of those cages. I mean it. Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 1, 2019

When we were young…

Sometimes you find that person in life who completes you. Hollywood corny, I know, but this time it fits.

Margaret’s husband Howard was a kind, gentle man. Oh and incredibly smart. So damn smart. He laughed at us and with us. He cheered us on even in times when we deserved no audience much less an approving one. He steadied the waters when they were rough and built a ship where Margaret could sail freely with no fear of wind or rain. Her’s is a life filled with joy. That is the gift he gave her.

I will miss you dear Howard with all my heart. And I will forever be in your debt for the years of love you gave to my friend. Rest In Peace.

Margaret, I know you don’t Tweet unless you are talking to your parrots. And for what it’s worth, I told you those things would outlive us. I know you thought I was stupid to get on the Twitter. Well, I should have listened to you, honey. I came. I tweeted. And I got covered in shit. Probably because Twitter is chock-full of assholes who don’t know the difference between your and you’re.

Now before all you NitTwits out there write me off, read on for a little bit. There are some things that are good about Twitter. Most are not easy to find, but they’re there if you are willing to work a bit. I’ll explain…

On Friday, a jackass named Roger Stone whined that the FBI had raided his home leaving himself, his dog, his wife (in that order) and even his neighbor forever traumatized.  From his description, it’s hard to believe he was able to pull it all together in time to make a speech, do a few radio interviews, and then finish it off with a couple of cable news shows, all while hoping someone would ask him about how he once took out personal ads referring to himself as a body builder with a hot wife looking for muscular studs for threesomes. Yep. True story. Stone is a real asshat.

But I’ve gotten off track. This really isn’t about Roger Stone. However, I would like to take a second to point out that while he was kicked off Bob Dole’s campaign for his little trio fetish, he was eventually hired again by George W. Bush and, of course, Donald J. Trump.  In fact, given enough time I can probably prove that while not every asshole is on Twitter, they are all on a Republican payroll somewhere.

Anyway, back to the point of this story…

Immediately the Cheeto in Chief tweeted from the White House that Roger Stone was treated more unfairly than drug dealers and border coyotes.  I find that pretty rich coming from Trump. Unless Roger’s wife was put in a cage, I’d say he got off pretty easy by Trump standards.  How someone can cram so many lies into so few characters is astounding. It’s probably the only thing at which Trump excels. One day the history books will tell the story of how Trump became president because a bunch of racists inbred to the point that they had the attention span of a gnat. If your family tree goes in a straight line, I’ve got a red hat to sell you. Yep. I’m a bitch. Screw you MAGA nation. You screwed up Christianity and now you’ve screwed up the United States of America.  All because you think an immigrant stole your job. Well here’s 280 characters for you:

An immigrant who achieves the American Dream didn’t steal anything from you or your family. They just wanted it more than you and worked harder than you. And they did it with all the odds stacked against them.  If your life sucks lemons, a wall isn’t going to turn it to lemonade.

Off track again.  Sadly, I’m pretty sure any MAGAt who started reading this has long ago gotten distracted by a shiny object.  Probably one of those shiny blondes on Fox & Friends.

So back to Friday…

As if the Stone indictment wasn’t enough, we also saw a woman finally get the best of Trump. Shockingly, porn and secret payments weren’t involved.  Sorry, Stormy. I’ve come to love you honey, but Nancy fucked Trump and that little mushroom of  Donald’s never made an appearance. Now that’s my kind of woman. (Note – I just used a word that I once thought I would never use. The F-word. I’ll explain in a bit.)  The great deal maker just spent a month dealing himself into Ann Coulter’s timeout corner.  Speaking of that pholcidae, Ann Coulter needs to eat a potato chip once in awhile.  Honey, when you turn sideways your nose looks like the tab on a zipper.  I know. I know. I shouldn’t body shame.  Fine. I made fun of a skinny bitch.  Hate me today.  I’ll apologize tomorrow by sending her a pie.  So many assholes. So much shit. So few characters. Even fewer with character.

But where was I?  Oh yes…Nancy.

Nancy Pelosi is one hell of a leader despite the fact that we require her to work twice as hard and endlessly prove herself worthy of her job. Nancy isn’t just matching Fred Astaire’s dance moves step-for-step backwards and in heels, she’s reminding the entire world that if women were allowed to take the reins, some important shit could finally get done. For the love of God, you MAGA asshats, she is the reason you have anything even close to affordable healthcare and a living wage. And if not for your precious GOP, you would have gotten the whole enchilada. I probably shouldn’t have used that enchilada metaphore. Did someone say wall?

Oh, but again, I digress… It’s so easy to do when you are not limited to 280 characters.

And so, here we are.  After 4,542 characters and one President without character, we arrive at my point:

With all that news to offer on Friday, that same evening the Washington Post tweeted out this headline for a story: Texas officials flag tens of thousands of voters for citizen checks. I don’t know what the terms mean, but the kids call that click bait and then go on about something to do with ratios. Not important. What is important is that IF you actually read the article – and almost no one on Twitter does – the very LAST paragraph explains that Texas has no proof of voter fraud and further research most likely will show that minimal if any occurred. But that didn’t stop the Great Orange Yeast Infection from tweeting a few hours later the lie that voter fraud was a huge problem because 95,000 illegal immigrants voted in the last election in Texas.

Why the last paragraph of that story is not the first paragraph is a good example of how  we got into this mess. Shame on the Washington Post for making it so easy for Trump. In my day, people called it judging a book by its cover. I have always just called it what it is: Bullshit. And friends, Twitter is full of bullshit. And the biggest asshole spewing shit and stinking up the place is Donald Jackass Trump. His 57 million followers judge a book by its cover, a person by their color, and their own IQ by the number of channels on their cable box. The only book they might pick up is the Bible and, I promise you, they don’t read that one either. For the record, he’s YOUR president, and YOU’RE an asshat for believing him. YOUR is a possessive adjective.  YOU’RE is a contraction of you are.

Now mind you, if you look really hard, you can find Tweets like the one from the Texas Tribune to its 180,000 followers warning people about the misleading headline.  How much do you want to bet that almost no MAGA-hats follow the Texas Tribune? Trust me.  It requires reading more than just a headline, and those people only get their headlines from one place – Fox News – the only place with more assholes full of shit than Twitter.  And speaking of assholes, can Tucker Carlson pull his head out of his long enough to see where role modeling Bill O’Reilly is going to take him? A loofah, a hot shower and Lindsey Graham.  No wait. What? That doesn’t make any sense. But it did allow me to sneak in a mention of Lindsey Graham. Of all the Real Housewives I hate; Lindsey Olin Graham is at the top of my list. No matter what side of his mouth Lindsey talks out of, it’s always shrill. Don’t try to follow my logic folks – it’s all shits and grins at this point.  Because in the end, that is all Twitter is good for.  Well, almost…

Journalist and politicians have no business trying to do their jobs on Twitter.  It’s a great place for cat videos, clever comments from Quinn Cummings, and teen activists trying to take down the god-awful NRA.  All those things SHOULD be accomplished in 280 characters or less.  You really shouldn’t have to work too hard to point out that cats are cute, Quinn is hilarious, and the NRA is evil.  But trying to be President of the United States 280 characters at a time should be a god-damn constitutional crisis. And Congress should at long last put a stop to it. Censure him. Indict him. Impeach him. Anything him.  Just quit tweeting at him and do your damn job.  And the same thing goes to all of you journalists on Twitter. A story is more than its headline.  If you are going to limit yourself to 280 characters, then make sure you get to the truth around character 10 or 11.  Trump and his followers lose their attention after that.

You know what else happened last week?  Five women were shot execution style by a gunman in Florida.  Another gunman killed five people in Louisiana. All that and we focused on an idiot like Stone. It doesn’t take 280 characters to make the case that a national state of emergency isn’t at the southern border. It’s at the NRA headquarters. If the President wasn’t so fixated on how many likes he gets, he might know that. Jesus H. Christ I hate that man. How on God’s green earth did he ever become President? Oh wait. Twitter. I forgot. Damn you @Jack.  And by the way, did you really suspend me because of my joke about Trump listening to the voices in his head?  Seriously?  The man practically started a nuclear war on your platform.

Now, I’ll admit that I am probably just another one of those assholes on Twitter, but I did meet a few good people along the way. I doubt they even knew I was following them. If you want to be on Twitter and do some good, follow @davidhogg111 or @Emma4Change. Want a good laugh?  Follow @quinncy or @louisvirtel. Want to actually make a difference as a political activist?  Try @Alyssa_Milano or @williamlegate.  Want to waste your time?  Follow a Kardashian. And for the love of God, give @kathygriffin a break. It was a fucking halloween mask. If you follow a journalist, promise that you’ll click on the link and read the whole story.  Might I suggest @texastribune, @DanRather, @annanavarro or @NicoleDWallace.  Just don’t follow a politician until they retire. And that goes double for @realdonaldfuckingtrump!

So, here we are at the end of my little rant. In this story, I used the F-word. Three times. It’s a word that I had always banned on this little web blog of mine.  I humbly ask for your forgiveness.  But do you realize how hard it is to talk about Donald Trump and not use that word?  It’s god-damn near fucking impossible.  I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 21, 2018

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family

Dear Family,

As we gather again for another Thanksgiving, I’d like to set up some house rules. I know I’m not the head cook anymore, but I’m still the head of the household so listen up:

No cell phones at the dinner table.

No feet (big or tiny) on my furniture.

No jello-salad.

Parenting is a full-time job. You don’t get the holiday off. Watch your kids and make sure there is some food on their plate that has color. Carrots. Green beans. Yams. Something more than just mashed potatoes. They might not eat any, but it’s never too soon to introduce them to each other. It would be easier if I was still the cook and everything had a little bacon grease to help it go down, but in this age of vegavegan-gluttenfree-halffat-lesssodium-nosugaradded, I can’t be responsible for how the food tastes anymore. Gone are the days of the three master spices: salt, pepper and bacon grease.

No jello-salad. I’m serious about this. The only thing that jiggles at my house this Thanksgiving will be your Aunt Trudy after a few glasses of wine.

I’ve lived a long life and along the way, I’ve collected a few nice things. I don’t put them away for company and I don’t put them away for family. Eventually your child needs to learn the meaning of the word No. Let’s make that happen today. We watch football in the family room on TV. We throw footballs outside on the lawn. And when you do go outside, shut the door behind you. I don’t need to air condition the whole neighborhood. And if Mr. Briggers next door tells you to stay off his lawn, tell him to stay off my last nerve. I swear, that man is the one bad bulb that ruins the whole string of lights.

If you want to talk politics sit next to me, but if you own a MAGA hat be warned. Your President is an asshat and I’m old enough to speak my mind regardless of your precious feelings. If I were you, I’d practice don’t ask, don’t tell because even when I mind my Ps and Qs, I can still spell bullshit.

No jello-salad.

If your child still wears diapers, you will leave with the same number of them as you had when you arrived. Bag them up and take them with you. The trash man doesn’t come again until next Tuesday and the last thing I need is a trash can full of baby poop. No exceptions to this rule. You’re dealing with a woman who washed cloth diapers so this would be an argument you will lose.

You know I love you. And I am indeed thankful for my family. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Follow the rules and we’ll all get along just fine.

No jello-salad. I mean it. Really.

With love,

Aunt Helen/Mom/Grandma

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 8, 2018

Republicans are nuttier than squirrel shit. #Resist

Margaret, if you want to know just how deplorable Trumpsters are, this week they elected two indicted criminals, a Nazi and a dead brothel owner.  And the fact that most people reading this are asking themselves “which Nazi?” is just bat shit crazy.  To be honest, it could have been multiple Nazis, but it’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference between a GOP Congressman and a Nazi these days. Some might be just your run-of-the-mill racists. You know what they say about old, white men standing in front of a flag, pledging allegiance to Donald Trump… they all look alike.

A dead brothel owner.  I’m sorry.  I just had to say that again. The party of family values elected a dead pimp. Bless their hearts but Republicans are nuttier than squirrel shit.

Now, I know that some of you Democrats out there, especially in Florida, Georgia and Texas, are filling a bit blue today and not in a good Blue Wave way. We’re feeling blue because we fell in love with Andrew, Beto and Stacey and hoped that racists in red states would be standing in line at a Cracker Barrel instead of a polling station.  Damn you Cracker Barrel! What happened to your all-you-can-eat chicken fried opossum steak on Tuesdays?

Honestly, it was going to be an uphill battle and we got a bit ahead of ourselves. After all, this is Florida, Georgia and Texas we are talking about. They are GOP red mixed with a little scarlet, crimson, cardinal, ruby, magenta, brick, carmine, rose, vermilion, cerise, coral, and burgundy. The fact that Beto was even in the hunt and the other two are still too close to call is pretty amazing.  Sure, it stung. But we really do have a great deal to celebrate. We took back the House. Our wave was big enough to overcome gerrymandering and voter suppression, sending several hundred state and federal members of the GOP packing.

If you are feeling a bit down, maybe this will pick you up. Here are a few of my favorite casualties:

Karen Handel.  Remember her? This homophobic, she-devil in wolf’s clothing managed to destroy the otherwise stellar reputation of the Susan G Komen Foundation when she picked a fight with Planned Parenthood.  Komen recovered somewhat but it never returned to its former glory. Well, now a Democrat in Georgia named Lucy McBath is my new favorite person and Georgia’s 6th Congressional District’s newest Representative.  Kiss my ass Karen. The only organization I liked more than Komen was Planned Parenthood and you damaged one in order to attack the other.  Don’t mess with Planned Parenthood. Ever. By the way, McBath ran on more gun control… in Georgia.

Kim Davis.  This walking hairball in need of a hairstyle became famous in Kentucky for refusing to give marriage licenses to same sex couples, claiming Jesus told her to hate people. She then crashed a party pretending to be the Pope’s BFF and became the white trash darling for white trash religious nutjobs everywhere when she traveled to Romania to fight gay marriage there.  Wait.  What?  Listen, folks.  The cheese slid off this gal’s cracker years ago. Thank goodness that Kentucky Democrats dropped a house on Kim.  To be honest, she lost by less than 700 votes, but that was to be expected considering she was related to, married to, divorced by and otherwise had children out of wedlock with a sizable percentage of the male voting population in the county.  Hypocrisy is what the GOP now calls a family value.

Jason Lewis.  I bet you don’t remember this asshat from Minnesota’s 2nd Congressional District unless you’re a slut… I mean a woman… I mean a slut.  Lewis complained that political correctness had gotten so bad that he couldn’t even call a woman a slut anymore without getting in trouble. He lost to Democrat Angie Craig.  I don’t know you Angie, but I love you regardless of what Jason is most assuredly calling you at this moment.

Jack Phillips.  He’s probably the most famous baker in Colorado, but not because his cakes taste good, bad or otherwise.   Jack is the Colorado Baker who refused to bake a cake for a gay couple and took his argument all the way to the Supreme Court.  He then tried to sue the Governor of Colorado because he didn’t want to bake a pink and blue cake for a transgender woman. Guess what?  Jack now has a new Governor in Colorado.  His name is Jared Polis and he’s gay.  Please, please, please Governor Polis, order your inauguration cake from Jack if for no other reason than shits and giggles.

Kevin Yoder.  I know nothing about this congressman from Kansas except he was a Republican in Kansas, which is rarely a good thing. He lost to a Native American woman named Sharice Davids. Now Sharice has a remarkable story and you should read about it.  But I don’t want to talk about that now because I am being a little selfish. I just want to sit a minute and imagine Donald Trump watching Fox News on Tuesday when they gave a Democratic pick up seat to a woman who happens to be Native American and who also happens to be a lesbian and a mixed, martial arts fighter.  Ah! Sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found thee…  Sharice honey, if you meet the President, please kick him where it counts.

Barbara Comstock.  When Florida Parkland Students came to talk to her about gun violence, she refused to meet with them.  Barbara lost to Democrat Jennifer Wexton.  Bye, bye Barbara. Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

Listen.  I was sad.  I wanted Beto as much as anyone.  I really did. But here in Texas we picked up so many down ballot Democrats because of Beto that I don’t think being sad is an appropriate way to remember Beto, or Stacey or Andrew.  And maybe its not even over for Stacey who is still fighting the good fight. Good luck Stacey.  Every vote counts. But no.  We can’t be down. We have just too much to be excited about.

  • Chairman Elijah Cummings, House Oversight Committee
  • Chairman Adam Schiff, House Intelligence Committee
  • Chairwoman Maxine Waters, House Financial Services Committee
  • Chairman Richard Neal, House Ways and Means Committee
  • Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the woman who gave us the Affordable Care Act the last time she had that title

That is huge.  We took back the House and turned a huge section of the country blue, while Trump kept Georgia, Florida and Texas red… barely.  We changed everything.  He changed nothing.

Maybe the Blue Wave wasn’t as big in some parts of the country as others. As it swept from east to west across the country like an invading army of immigrants… no wait.  As it swept from east to west, it hit patches of gerrymandering and mountains of voter suppression.  But it indeed swept across the country no matter how large or small it seemed at times.  One thing we know for sure, if left unchecked, Trump could bring out the worst in all of us.  And sadly, he’s proud of that. But then again, he’s an idiot.  The blue wave came, and it was big enough.  I mean it. Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 1, 2018

Lindsey Graham Sets His Sights On Becoming First Lady

Margaret, did you know that women currently make up more than half the population in the US, but we are represented by a Congress made up of 80 percent men? Oh, and honey, it gets worse. Among other countries we are ranked 104th in the world when it comes to female representation in government. Five places behind Saudi Arabia! Hell, we’re almost 40 spots behind Iraq… Yes. You heard me: BEHIND IRAQ.

How long before men realize that women are their equals? After last week, we can probably make the argument that we are more than equal. Everyone of those GOP Senators expected an overly emotional, erratic and maybe even hysterical witness… and let me tell you Brett Kavanaugh did not disappoint. If I were Brett, I’d be worried that The Donald might now try to grab his pussy. Christine Ford managed to stay calm and respectful for 4 hours.   Brett couldn’t last 2 minutes before he came undone.  And speaking of undone, Lindsey Graham deserves an award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role for his portrayal of Donald Trump’s new girlfriend.  Move over Stormy Daniels. Hurricane Graham has arrived.

To be clear, Brett Kavanaugh is indeed innocent until proven guilty.  And it’s not search and destroy like Kavanaugh and Trump want us to believe.  It’s about making sure the truth comes out. Afterall, if there is nothing to find, then it doesn’t matter how hard you search.   When a woman finds the courage to speak about sexual assault, she deserves to be heard. And hearing her means taking the time to fully investigate in hopes of uncovering the truth.  And if that means men need to be a little scared, so be it. We women have been living scared all our lives. If you are worried for your sons, I have one piece of advice for you. Teach them to respect women.  Problem solved.

But I don’t even know why I am wasting my time writing this.  For the love of God, Republicans just elected a man who was videotaped bragging about assault. Are we really surprised they think a calendar showing exercise workouts during the 80’s is proof enough of innocence? If you are a Republican woman, I hope you are paying attention. It doesn’t matter how accomplished, how intelligent or how credible you are. You will be ignored, dismissed and even smeared if you stand between a Republican man and his path to power… regardless of what evidence you have or don’t have.  If it happens in their teens, it’s boys will be boys, and if it happens as adults, it’s just locker room talk.  Evidently Republicans are just fine electing men who sexually harass and assault women.

Honestly, how do Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins sleep at night? It’s been almost thirty years since the Anita Hill testimony, and we women continue to be ignored about sexual harassment, assault and rape at the hands of powerful men. There have been 52 total women in the United States Senate since its establishment in 1789.  And one of those women simply served for one day.  Until 2001, the most common way for a woman to become a US Senator was to be appointed following the death or resignation of a husband or father who previously held the seat.  Today there are 21 female Senators – 16 Democrats and 5 Republicans… well 6 depending on which column you place Lindsey Graham. Quite frankly, he lacks the humanity to be in either. Imagine how differently things could be if there were 50.

The late Governor Ann Richards liked to say, “Life isn’t one thing after another.  It’s the same damn thing over and over again.”  Well, I am tired of fighting this fight over and over again.  This November we have more women than ever running for elected office, and I for one plan to vote for them early and often. I mean it.

Margaret, I grew up on a farm in Georgia. We had more guns than silverware. To this day, I still have a gun in my house. By all means, if it helps to keep children from being murdered, come and take it. Unlike that Dana Loesch, I don’t need it that badly. Bless her heart, when you spew that much hate, I guess you go through life thinking everyone wants to do you harm. She really should try adding a little color to her wardrobe. And maybe smile more… or at least once.

We’ve talked about it long enough. We need to do something about America’s gun problem. But if we leave it up to those asshats at the Capitol, we’ll be building schools with one door where students are allowed to wear only a leotard while carrying their books in a clear ziplock baggie.

Making it all about a mental health crisis sounds reasonable… until you realize that mental health isn’t exclusive to the United States and statistically speaking doesn’t correspond with our proportionally higher rate of gun violence nor does it specifically apply on a case by case basis. Ouch. That hurt my head a little bit to think through. Maybe that’s why NRA Neanderthals settle for low hanging fruit like too many doors and trench coats.

Regardless, we shouldn’t need a school shooting to realize that mental healthcare should be as easy to access as your Twitter account, and likewise it should be affordable or even free. I think parents who don’t have the good sense to lock away their guns might be a good test sample group to start with, because that level of ignorance and irresponsibility has got to be some sort of mental issue.

And then there’s video games and violent movies. Now don’t get me started. I too think my grandchildren need to put away the electronics and get outside more. That kind of life only leads to fat backsides and skinny thumbs. But again, unlike little Dana Loesch and the NRA, violent images in games and in movies are not exclusive to America.

Speaking of Nuts R Allowed… Oliver North? Is that a joke or was Wayne LaPierre not generating idiotic ideas fast enough? “A culture of violence,” says the guy who sold guns to Iran in order to give money to people who tortured civilians and raped women including nuns and children. Yep. That guy. How about we require the NRA to build their headquarters with no entrances or exits?

You know what IS exclusive to the United States of America? The NRA, 42% of civilian guns, and an orange yeast infection wearing a MAGA hat.

Folks, it’s really not that difficult. Less guns equals less gun violence. And I call bullshit on anyone who claims differently. Facts are facts. Trench coats, video games, violent movies, social media, mental health and even doors exist beyond our borders. But a mass school shooting once a month has become as American as baseball and apple pie.

If you love your children, vote out any politician who takes money from the NRA. And start with Ted Cruz. Never Again must become more than just a hashtag. I mean it. Really

From Helen:

Margaret, I’ve really started to enjoy this whole Twitter thing. It’s short and sweet. And you know me honey, I’m nothing if I’m not fat and mean. No wait…

Anyway, I was looking around at all the different tweets and I came across one about Ann Coulter. My old nemesis has been pretty irrelevant for years, but I couldn’t resist because it just made me laugh. Someone tweeted the question: Does Ann Coulter have to be crated on Delta flights or could you make the case that she is a comfort pet? I’m going to say yes to the former, but no to the latter.

It got me wondering, however, about what Ann has been up to these days. Apparently she is using her 3rd grade writing skills to make the case that a mass deportation of immigrants would result in mass shootings being reduced by half. She likes the word mass. Me too. If we had a mass deportation of old, white racists, I bet we would see a mass decrease in Ann Coulter readers and probably a mass NRA membership reduction of about half. I’m sure the other half are responsible hunters who still think the NRA is about them. Unless of course they’re hunting deer with an AR-15. Then they are just assholes.

The NRA membership is less than 2% of the population and yet the NRA owns 100% of Republican politicians. They do not represent gun owners. They lobby to protect the profits of gun manufacturers. For heaven’s sake, more people have read our blog and Margaret and I are nobodies.

I don’t encourage you to read what Ann writes, but if you did I’m sure you would be scratching your head like me and asking yourself how does she do it. How does she make a living writing books when she is so absolutely terrible at it? Honestly, if 50 monkeys typed for 50 days hitting keys at random they would most definitely type three of her books.

Ann’s logic, or lack thereof, is that some mass shooters have ancestors who were immigrants. Ann seems to forget that we all have ancestors who were immigrants. In fact, if we had a mass deportation of people born from immigrants, we would see a sharp decline in the number of poorly written, conservative books by an author who has to shop for shoes at a specialty store.

But enough about Big Foot… I mean Ann. You know who I really can’t stand now? That horrible NRA spokesperson, Dana Loesch, who thinks CNN and MSNBC love mass shootings because crying white mothers are “ratings gold”. I really didn’t think there was anyone more pathetic than Ann Coulter, but I don’t hang around in sewers so I had never heard of Ms. Loesch before. Honestly, she looks like something the dog has been hiding under the porch, so I’m not sure I want to get to know her. I have no idea if she’s as dumb as Ann, so I’m going to call her bluff and see if she is correct. Let’s ban all assault weapons and see if CNN and MSNBC go off the air because mass shootings become a thing of the past. Do we have a deal? The balls in your court, Dana. Actually it’s under the porch with you and the dog.

And speaking of that idiot Ann Coulter – OK bad segue but any chance to call Ann an idiot is ratings gold for me. And speaking of that idiot Ann Coulter, I wonder where she stands on the orange asshole. For or against?  I assume she is pro Trump, but again she’s been irrelevant so long I’m not sure. She hates immigrants. He hates immigrants. She loves guns. He loves guns.  She sort of looks like a man.  He sort of looks like a man. She has affairs with porn stars. He has affairs with porn stars. No wait. I honestly can’t back that last one up with any factual evidence. And while both she and Trump don’t believe in facts, I hold myself to a higher standard. So I issue this corrected statement: I have no idea if a porn star would actually sleep with Ann Coulter. However, I stand by my statement about porn stars sleeping with Trump. Sometimes they even marry him.

Now, where was I going with this? Oh yes. Stupidity.  Is Ann more stupid than Trump or is Trump more stupid than Dana?  I’m going to say no to the former and yes to the latter. There is no stupidity like Trump stupidity, although Ann and Dana come close.

Arming teachers with guns is really your answer?  Are you kidding me?  And to make it sweeter, Trump says we’ll give them “a little bit of a bonus.”  Dear Lord in Heaven, but there is no bullshit like orange bullshit. Well, as long as we’re not going to take the issue seriously, why don’t we give guns to Delta Flight Attendants so they can put down Ann Coulter when she goes off on them again. By the way, Delta, thank you for stopping your discounts to NRA members. Not only does it put you on the right side of history, it ensures more people like Ann won’t have to be crated on your flights.

Way back before the election, during the presidential debates, Hillary Clinton suggested that Donald Trump wanted guns in school classrooms.  Trump called her Crooked Hillary and said she was WRONG!  He frequently tweets and speaks in ALL CAPS because he’s a moron. Anyway, I digress. The fact is, he lied. But are we really surprised? Trump has led a life of greed, adultry, racism and deceit – all verifiable. Why did we think his presidency would be any different? #MAGA is a joke.

I have an idea, Mr. Trump. How about you pull your head out of Wayne LaPierre’s ass and we just ban assault rifles and give all teachers a bonus to cover the cost of their classroom supplies. But if you are really going to ask them to carry guns to protect students, then how about we cap their salaries at the same level we cap secret service agents – that’s about $160,000 per year. Or, like I said earlier, we could just ban assault rifles. Wait a minute. Let me holler that down Wayne LaPierre’s throat so you can hear me.

Donald Trump actually needed notes to remind him how to be sympathetic to teens who survived a mass shooting. Somebody please find the Tin Man and see if he will give Donald a heart.  And while we’re at it, let’s work on a Scarecrow with a spare brain.

Have all Republicans lost their minds? Why are you trying to create a world where more guns is the answer? Why aren’t we trying to find a solution that results in less guns? Considering how much you increased military spending, I’m pretty sure the need for an unregulated, redneck militia has been mitigated. Red Dawn was just a movie… oh crap. Russia.  I forgot about Trump colluding with Russia. Well damn, my argument was pretty good until now.

Ok.  Let me try again. NRA lovers like Dana say that it wasn’t the gun, it was Nikolas Cruz that killed 17 people.  Well, I’m pretty sure if Nikolas Cruz had simply shown up with a pea shooter, that brave Emma Gonzalez would have punched him the face.  The NRA is right. Guns don’t kill people. They just make it a hell of a lot easier.

How about we make it less easy for school children to be slaughtered. Ban assault rifles. I mean it. Really.

#NeverAgain #MarchForOurLives

From Margaret:

Courage. You forgot courage, dear. We need to find a lion. Or better yet, let’s see if one of those high school kids can show Trump what courage is.  An exercise in futility, I am sure.

Note from Matthew: We use WordPress to create this blog. WordPress, not us, generates the ads. We were shocked to see the gun map ad too. I was going to complain, but then my Grandmother started laughing. In her words “Let those fools waste their advertising money. The more who see it and ignore it here, the less who will see it if it was more appropriately displayed elsewhere .” She’s smart like that.

From Helen:

Margaret, I’m mad as hell and I have a few things I need to get off my chest. First, and most important, how the hell do Russians dope in Curling? Do you down a fistful of Xanax before you gently push the stone across the ice?

And speaking of Russians, there is something called a Russian Bot messing with our elections. One of them goes by the name @RealDonaldTrump. Now I don’t know what a bot is, but I assume it looks like an asshole with a bad comb over.

For the love of man, do Trump’s Twitter followers have any decency? These kids are not actors. They are re-acting to watching their friends get murdered by an 18 year old maniac with an assault rifle. I hope that is something these so called Patriots never have to experience.

The GOP’s hypocrisy has no bounds. They can limit and restrict my right to an abortion or my grandson’s right to get married, but the right to own a gun is a sacred gift from God. Because we all know that if the disciples had AR-15’s, Jesus would have said, “Let’s blow the shit out of those damn Romans. Make Nazareth Great Again.” #MNGA

And we know these NRA bought and paid for politicians aren’t going to do a damn thing. If slaughtering elementary school kids didn’t create new laws, this won’t even faze them. And give me a break. Trump is all talk. No limits. No regulations. Bigger bullets. Longer barrels. Anything to make up for that tiny, orange carrot hanging between his legs.

We’re talking about arming teachers instead of un-arming children. We’re making plans to turn our schools into prisons rather than banning assault rifles from an unregulated, redneck militia. Somehow the solution to gun violence is more guns. Now that is some serious bullshit.

And when they are not attacking kids, these “Christians” are worshipping a golden calf. Actually it’s more orange than gold. And more fool’s gold than real gold. A foolish orange cow with a bad comb over. When they gave him a mulligan, they lost the moral authority they never really had.

Well, just like that precious Emma Gonzales, I call bullshit. The solution to gun violence is not more guns. And the NRA is not a membership organization for gun owners. It is a domestic terrorist organization for gun manufacturers. It buys politicians and then forever holds them hostage.

Margaret Mead once said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” #NeverAgain indeed. If my daughter will take me, I’m going to that march in DC. And if I get anywhere near that golden cow, I’m going to slap that comb over right off its orange head.

Bullshit. The whole Trump presidency is bullshit. I mean it. Really.

From Margaret:

Never doubt that a small and ignorant group of Republicans can elect a President; indeed, with the help of Russia they already have.

helen-mug1 FROM HELEN:

Margaret, what the hell is happening? Nazi’s are fine people. Russia poked me on Facebook. The Real Housewives of Trump Tower are fighting over who’s the real First Lady. And now the Civil War wasn’t about slavery. Has everyone gone insane?

We had an opportunity to have an honest conversation about racism and once again Trump screwed it up. Those football players are kneeling for a reason and it has nothing to do with the flag. And then we had an opportunity to have an honest conversation about gun violence and once again the Republican Party made it about… turned it into… changed the topic to… wait a minute. They didn’t do anything. They just left it hanging out there. It’s just bat shit crazy if you ask me.

And now we are debating the civil war? Again? I know for damn sure we had that conversation a long time ago and it ended with freeing the slaves and a dead president. Compromise? John Kelly says it was about lack of compromise? General Kelly, with all due respect, what was the acceptable compromise? The South could keep the slaves, but they had to give them weekends off? My God is anyone in the  Trump White House not a racist? They’ve got more white sheets than a Motel 6 in Pulaski, Tennessee.

The other day I saw John Kasich on TV talking about his dissatisfaction with the Republican Party and I thought maybe we could find something to agree upon. But then he said that he had no idea what Democrats stood for and I was reminded that Kasich is still an asshat.

Mr. Kasich here is what Democrats stand for.  It’s not a secret.

  • Affordable healthcare for all.  Period.
  • Common sense gun control because you don’t need an assault rifle to kill a deer.
  • Immigration reform.
  • Equal pay for equal work.
  • A woman can be trusted to make her own healthcare decisions.
  • Sex education reduces unintended pregnancies.
  • Love is color blind and gender neutral.
  • Global warming is not a Chinese hoax even though Trump has more chins than a Chinese phone book.   (Was that racist or just a clever play on the word chin being Chen is the 5th most common Chinese surname?  Actually it was a joke about Trump being a fatass which has nothing to do with global warming unless you count the amount of gas Trump releases from his fat ass daily.  Surely there is a scientist who can tell us what harm that is causing.  You know what?  Never mind.  Just get us back into the damn Paris Climate Agreement.  That’s what I meant to say, really. )
  • Happy Holidays is a lovely thing to say to someone when you want them to have a Happy Holiday.
  • Every child should have access to a quality education.
  • College should be affordable.
  • Coal is stupid.  (see Chen reference above)
  • Slavery was bad.
  • Nazi’s are not fine people.
  • Trump is a moron. (Which makes Rex Tillerson an honorary Democrat)

I’m sure I’ve left a few things out, but I think that’s a pretty good list to start. And I imagine if you read the comments below, you’ll learn a few more things we Democrats stand for.

I think the real question is what do Republicans stand for?  Because it appears they stand for greed, racism and coal. I’m not sure if you know this, but Donald Trump Jr. tweets bullshit about as well as his father. Last night he tweeted out a picture of his adorable daughter with her Halloween candy. He commented that he was going to make her give half of it away to children who didn’t go out because it’s never to [sic] late to teach her about socialism.”  Now I don’t know about you, but where I come from a child giving away half of her candy to other kids is called sharing and it’s a very charitable thing to do.  But bless their hearts, the Trumps know nothing about charity.  Maybe it would be a better lesson to have her get 99% of the candy and just wait to see how long it takes for some of it to trickle down to the poor kids she hangs out with. Or better yet, have her pledge to give 25,000 pieces of it to a Gold Star Father and then forget to do it. Oh.  I know.  Teach her to take the candy from other children and then give it away herself so she can tell everyone how charitable she is and maybe take a tax deduction and then hide her tax returns.

When I was a little girl, if you ran into someone like Donald Trump or Donald Trump Jr. you would conclude that they were not right in the head. Now I have a feeling that little expression is no longer politically correct, but in this case, it is medically correct so I could stand by it. Instead, I’ll try not to offend anyone and just say that Donald Trump is not normal, and I don’t mean that in a good way.  He’s about 9 eggs short of a dozen.   A small fries shy of a Happy Meal.  A Saturday devoid of a weekend. He’s only got one oar in the water. If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose. So dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel… Awe hell. The man’s an idiot and so is his son, Slow Donnie.

Might I remind all of you Republicans out there that your candidates insulted one another’s wives and compared penis size. And then you went and elected the disgusting one who admits to assaulting women. Last time I checked, Democrats didn’t nominate Harvey Weinstein.

I’m a little tired of everyone trying to make sense out of this President. He ain’t right in the head. I mean it really.

margaret-mug1 FROM MARGARET:

Helen, dear, I don’t want to take the chance of offending anyone so I’m donating to Goodwill my Robert E. Lee potholder I bought in Charleston in 1962. The color doesn’t go with my kitchen anymore anyway.

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