helen-mug1  From Helen:

Margaret,  several people have asked me why I haven’t been writing. The truth is, honey, this isn’t funny anymore.  Our President… scratch that…  the moron currently occupying the White House just equated George Washington to Robert E. Lee.  He can’t understand why a memorial to the symbolic founding father of our country is different than a memorial to a general in an army that fought a failed rebellion against our government.

Mr. President, with no respect intended, I implore you to please step down.  You are not qualified for the position you now hold.  Quite frankly, you are not qualified to be much more than a reality TV star, a position I hold in very low regard by the way.

There is a reason that in Germany you will find no statues of Hitler, no monuments to the Third Reich, and no Chancellor of Germany suggesting there was blame for World War 2 on both sides.  And there is a reason that Robert E. Lee himself didn’t want statues honoring the Confederacy.  In his own words, “I think it wiser not to keep open the sores of war but to follow the examples of those nations who endeavored to obliterate the marks of civil strife, to commit to oblivion the feelings engendered.”

Mr. President, you joked recently that you might one day be on Mount Rushmore.  I wonder at times what color the sky is in your world?  Are you really this stupid?  How in God’s name did you become the leader of the free world?

No, Mr. President.  There were not many sides in Charlottesville.  There were just two. Right and wrong. There were white supremacists on one side and Americans who believe all people are created equal on the other side.  There were hate groups and there were Americans who oppose hate. There were neo-Nazis and… Do we really have to go beyond that? Isn’t that what we call a non-starter?  There were Nazi’s, you stupid piece of shit, and still that wasn’t clear enough for you?  Really?  You couldn’t even get this one right? On one side there were Nazis and on the other there were no Nazis, and you still came down on the wrong side?

Now, I don’t know what the Alt Left is, but if it’s the group that wants to stand up to neo-Nazis and white supremacists to end racism, bigotry and hate then sign me up.  I suggest however that it is just more crap from the endless pile of crap falling freely from your mouth.  Mr. President, how many Alt Right funerals took place this week?

What kind of a man is so cowardly that he is unable to distinguish between those groups? What kind of a man can’t comprehend the simple concept  that while we all have  a right to protest, not all protests are right? What kind of man, I ask? Well, I’ll tell you exactly what kind of man.  The kind that started the birthers, molested women, made fun of the handicapped, joked about having sex with his daughter, and espousesd beliefs that people from Mexico are rapists and murderers.  My God if this man had an honest thought, it would die of loneliness.

Everyone wants to claim that we need to get back to the issues that Trump ran on.  We are quick to say that the majority of Trump voters were voting because of the economy. Well pardon my French but in this case the bullshit is both walking and talking.  This is exactly the issue he ran on.  He kicked off his campaign accusing immigrants from Mexico as being rapists and murderers.  The Republican Party owns this.  If you are a Republican today, you condone this.

Hillary Clinton called them a basket of deplorables. I prefer to call them a confederacy of dunces.  My heart goes out to Charlottesville and to this great country of ours as we suffer this fool of a man who was too stupid to know he was too stupid to be President. I mean it. Really.

margaret-mug1 From Margaret:

Helen, dear.  I know I’ve lived too long that when given the choice between dinner with the President of the United States and dinner with Sarah Palin, I would gladly ask Sarah to pass the peas.   And I don’t even like peas.



Margaret, I am sorry I haven’t written more, but honestly, honey, I am just too tired.  Sadly, it has nothing to do with my age and everything to do with my home.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my home.  Unfortunately, my home is located in Texas, and in this state, we liberals are all tired.

The rest of the country woke up last November and said, “Oh Shit.  What just happened to this country?”.   But all of us in Texas woke up and said, “Oh Shit.  The rest of the country just became Texas.”

We’ve been dealing with race baiting, misogynistic, religious nut-jobs for decades.   For us, the craziness started when George W. Bush became Governor in 1995.  Now just imagine how tired you would be if the government had been trying to grab your pussy for 22 years.  Even my husband gave up sooner than that, God rest his soul.

Yes, Texas has a long history of electing morons and, somehow, we’ve survived.  But I warn the rest of you, if you think Texas is the benchmark you might want to consider these recent headlines:

Texas Industrial Plants Spewing Pollutants Illegally

Abandoned Texas oil wells seen as “ticking time bombs” of contamination

Environmentalists Ask EPA to Strip Texas’ Regulatory Authority

In Washington, Texans Continue to Question Ozone Science

Texas Governor Abbott Signs Bill to Limit Pollution Lawsuits

Abstinence-Only Texas High School Hit By Chlamydia Outbreak

Texas School District Sex Education Compares Non-Virgins To Chewed Gum

Texas Governor Rick Perry Struggles To Answer Question About Sex Ed: ‘Abstinence Works’

Texas Governor Tweets Marriage Was Defined by God

Texas places 43rd among states in national education ranking

Texas has the highest rate of repeat teen pregnancy in the nation

Texas has highest maternal mortality rate in developed world, study finds

Now any of those are reason enough for most Texans to not want to get out of bed, but that last one is particularly alarming.   When Texas moved to defund Planned Parenthood our maternal mortality rate doubled.  Doubled. Texas politicians are literally killing women.   And you might not have heard this expression before, but it is becoming agonizingly clear – As Texas goes, so goes the nation.

Our President admitted on camera to molesting and assaulting women.  That alone should have disqualified him to be anything in politics.   But what I fear now is that his politics won’t just assault women, it will kill women.  And for those of you hanging on to the hope that Ivanka is going make it all better, I offer you this headline:

President Trump signed legislation Thursday allowing states to withhold federal family planning funds from Planned Parenthood

The election of Donald Trump was alarming to the majority of voters because the majority of voters did not vote for him.  And those that did, usually defended their vote by saying, “I like him because he speaks his mind.”   Well I say, if your mind is full of shit, speaking your mind is akin to passing gas. And if you think I am wrong, then smell these quotes from The Donald himself:

  • Donald Trump at the third presidential debate: “Nobody respects women more than me.” Three minutes later: “Such a nasty woman.” (October 19, 2016)
  • “I sorta get away with things like that.” —Donald Trump, on bursting into Miss Universe pageant dressing rooms
  • “Believe me, she would not be my first choice, that I can tell you.” –Donald Trump, mocking the women who alleged he sexually assaulted them, suggesting his accusers weren’t attractive enough to earn his attention. (October 14, 2016)
  • “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.” –Donald Trump in a 2005 interview with Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush

There was a time when Texas got it right.   We ushered in the great Ann Richards as Governor when her Republican opponent, Clayton Williams, joked, “Rape is kinda like the weather. If it’s inevitable, relax and enjoy it.”

If only jokes about assaulting women were still reason enough to lose an election…

I watch the news everyday waiting for a reporter to ask Sean Spicer if being President means  Trump has been able to grab even more pussy.  It hasn’t happened, but an old gal can dream.

Both Texas and the U.S. used to be great.  In a few years, maybe we can elect someone who can make them great again.  I mean it.  Really.


Cheer up, dear.  Our favorite new movie Silver Skies is out.   And knowing that you live there, I have no doubt Texas will be great again.  You are not too much older than The Donald.  Run for office.  I’d vote for you.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 17, 2017

Trump has skin thinner than his wife and an ego bigger than my ass.

helen-mug1 HELEN:

Margaret, somebody called me an elitist because I think Trump and his supporters are morons.   I wasn’t’ quite sure what being an elitist means these days and I am pretty sure most people using that as an insult probably don’t either so I looked it up. After all, I’m just a little ole’ gal born in Georgia and I am not sure I qualify to be an elitist.

Now the Oxford Dictionary says an elitist is someone who supports the view that a society or system should be led by an elite.  Well that just begged the question: What is an elite?  I got confused at first because evidently an Elite is a size of letter in typewriting, with 12 characters to an inch. Of course, for this particular scenario it also means a select group that is superior in terms of their ability or qualities to the rest of a group or society such as an elite athlete or an elite armed forces. My favorite definition of elite, however, is from Merriam-Webster:  the choice part or the best of a class.  So I guess I am an elitist after all, because I want the best candidate for the job and I know for damn sure I want an elite President and not this orange man-child who is about to take office.

And I am in good company. They said Meryl Streep was an elitist after her speech at the Golden Globes. You remember, don’t you?  That moving speech she gave where she dared to say that we shouldn’t mock the disabled and a free press was vital to our democracy…  What an elitist that Meryl is.  How dare she make speeches about standing up for the disabled and defending the Constitution! Wait… what’s an elitist again?

You know Margaret, I was feeling lower than a snake’s belly in a ditch after a rain shower about this election.  Kellyanne Conway is so good at lying… I mean telling us what is in Donald’s heart.  And I thought to myself that maybe I should give the man a break.  Maybe Trump deserves a second look. Maybe I should show some respect for the office to which he has been elected.   But then I thought, nah he’s a moron and I’m an elitist who doesn’t think a society or a system should ever be led by a moron.

For goodness sakes, he’s not even trying to rise to the occasion.  The man is tweeting about national intelligence agencies one minute and Saturday Night Live the next.  And shockingly he is paying attention to the latter and ignoring the former.  Damn right I’m an elitist because I actually do think society should be run by someone with superior abilities instead of an idiot who can’t prioritize security briefings over comedy sketches.

And he is surrounding himself with idiots too. Are you really telling me that of all the people he could have nominated for Attorney General, he didn’t know even one without racist attitudes? What does that say?  Think about it.  What does that say about this man?  He appointed a known plagiarist to be a senior communications strategist.  And then he asked Omarosa to be… actually I don’t know what he asked her to be.  But Omarosa for anything?  What does that say? And incoming Press Secretary Sean Spicer actually whined  to the media, that Saturday Night Live wasn’t being funny, they were being “mean-spirited”.  Oh Really?  You know what’s mean-spirited, Sean?  Mocking a disabled person. You know what else is mean-spirited?  Laughing about sexually assaulting women.  You know what else is mean-spirited? Suggesting most immigrants from Mexico are rapist and drug dealers. Also, mocking a disabled person.  And yes.  I know I said that already.

An elite athlete knows how to win a game.  An elite army knows how to win a war.  An elite President knows how to put down his smart phone and look the nation in the eye and apologize for his inappropriate behavior.  Hell.  You don’t even have to be elite.  You just have to be decent.  Decent enough to admit that it was wrong to make fun of the disabled.  Admit that it was wrong to have disrespected and then denigrate women that way. Decent enough to tell the American people that you’re not perfect but you’ll strive to be a better president than you were a man.   But we don’t have an elite as President-elect. We don’t even have a decent person about to hold the highest office in the land.  We have a buffoon, man-child with skin thinner than that size 2 model/pin-up immigrant he’s married to.  And even she doesn’t want to live in the same house with him.

Call me an elitist.  It’s a badge I will wear proudly.   I’d rather be an elitist than the racist, misogynist, mouth-breathers who voted for Trump.  That’s right.  I said it. I insulted Trump voters and I won’t apologize for it.  We all knew what he did and what he said and what he stood for.  There was no mistaking what you were voting for.  I have no intentions of pulling punches.  You people elected a moron and the rest of us “elitists” get to look down our noses and point our fingers and ask you to explain yourselves.   Is it OK to make fun of the disabled? Yes or no?  Is it OK to sexually assault women?  Yes or no?  Is it OK to commit fraud?  Is it OK to discriminate against minorities? Is it OK to refer to your daughter as a nice piece of ass?  Is it OK to vote for someone who did?  If you answered yes to any of those questions, you can kiss my elitist ass.

Trump is not my president. I will challenge him at every turn.  I will hold him accountable for every ignorant, vapid tweet. I will hold him to the very highest of standards and ridicule him when he comes up short.  Why? You ask.  How dare I? You say.  Because he made fun of a disabled person and that’s all I ever needed to know about Donald J. Trump.  I mean it.  Really.

margaret-mug1 MARGARET:

I understand some folks are planning to wear black on Friday in protest of the inauguration.  I will be in black as well as Howard, but we will be attending a funeral of another kind.

Margaret, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and rejoin the world again.  I figured enough time had passed since the election and surely Trump had finally made that pivot and started acting like a President. So I tuned in to CNN and…


Now, I’m not sure if Meryl Streep is overrated.  I mean she’s no Scott Baio, I’ll give you that.  But that’s really not the point, is it?  The point is that the man-child about to become our next President couldn’t come up with a better retort than that?  

“Meryl Streep is one of the most overrated actresses…”  as a comeback has about as much intellectual maturity as “I know you are, but what am I?”  And he couldn’t even do it in 140 characters.  It took him 16 minutes and 417 characters to write the literary equivalent of “I’m made of rubber and you’re made of glue.”  Good Lord, he can’t even use an ellipsis correctly. 

 Three dots, Donald. Three.

Honestly, ten monkeys banging on ten typewriters could have come up with a better response in less time.  And it should come as no surprise that Trump had already forgotten a year earlier telling the Hollywood Reporter that “Meryl Streep is excellent.”  We can only hope a year from now the man also forgets he was elected President and just wanders back to Trump Tower never to return to Washington.  Of course that would leave us with Pence…

Three dots, Donald.  Three.

But it’s really not about Streep being overrated as an actress or Trump being outperformed by a group of typing chimpanzees.  It’s about the fact that Trump actually did mock a disabled person.  It’s about the fact that disrespect really does invite disrespect, and violence really does incite violence.   And when the powerful use their position to bully others we all really do lose.

Trump made fun of and imitated a disabled person.  It’s all on video and rather than believing what we all can see, we are being told we didn’t actually see it.   Just like we are told that Meryl Streep is the most excellent……….. No wait……..  Meryl Streep is the most overrated……. No wait…..

Three dots.  Three.

I just might have to tune out again, Margaret.  If only because I am beginning to think that we would have been better off electing those ten chimps instead of this asshat.  I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 22, 2016

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family 2016

Dear Family,

I look forward to seeing you all for Thanksgiving.  This will be my last Thanksgiving as the head cook and bottle washer.  Next year, God willing, I will sit back and relax while the next generation takes the lead.  Until then, you’re going to have to humor me one last time.

As always you can leave your electronic devices in the basket by the door and I suggest you do the same with your political opinions.  My turkey has both white and dark meat.  That means at my table you can be someone who voted for Donald Trump but you do not need to be someone who acts like Donald Trump.   If you don’t heed my warning, you’ll get the store-bought pies Gertrude brings rather than my homemade ones.

This year I learned that it takes all kinds.  For that reason, I am broadening my horizons and opening my mind to the fact that some of you have certain dietary concerns.  So listen close.  If you are avoiding fat, sugar, sodium or gluten you should be concerned.  If you are vegetarian, I think you might be able to forage enough on the table to make a meal.

We have two new babies in the family.  What a joy.  The back bedroom is the perfect get-away for naps, but an inside trashcan is the wrong place for dirty diapers.   Put your disposable diapers in a trash bag and take them all the way to the can outside.  Thanksgiving is on a Thursday and the trash truck doesn’t come until the following Tuesday.  That’s six days of smell I do not need.   Double bag them and bury them deep so I don’t see them.

Football is on all day long.   The television is not.  When the meal is ready the set is off, and it doesn’t go back on until the last person is done with their meal.  God forbid we actually talk to one another.

Kids come in all shapes and sizes.  Guess what?  So do cups.  If your child isn’t going to finish their first drink, then they don’t really need a second one do they?  I am not a woman who likes to waste food – liquid or otherwise.   And speaking of otherwise, plates should be full at the beginning and empty at the end.  Take a little of everything you like as long as you plan to finish it.  Once everyone has had the chance to eat, you are welcome to go back for seconds.

You were all so kind to offer to bring something.  I was so kind as to say bring nothing at all.  But if you insist on arriving with a dish, make sure it is table ready.  I have two ovens and four burners.   All of them will be in use.   Turkey and stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes with cream and butter, sweet corn, green bean casserole, candied yams, peas in sour cream, cranberries, homemade bread,  apple and pumpkin pies.  Honestly.  What else is there to bring?

Cloe, I am tired of fighting with you, dear.   Feel free to bring that disgusting dish you call Jell-O-salad.  I question if it is really either.   Honey, no one is going to eat it so make sure you have the appropriate container to take it back with you.  I don’t need that left-over mess staring at me every time I open my fridge.  However, if you want to make it with orange Jell-O this year, we can call it Trump Dump and at least laugh with you rather than at you.

Mary, honey, you’ve given me a goodly number of great grandchildren.   Precious gifts from heaven, each and every one, especially that middle one who looks the spitting image of your late Grandfather.   But honey, you and your husband made the decision to have all those children and, therefore, you must suffer the consequences.  Parenting is a full-time job.  You don’t get to take time off when you get to my house just because it’s a holiday.  Little feet stay on the floor and off the furniture. Red drinks and other liquids that stain should either be avoided or consumed outside.  My nice things stay out where I can see and enjoy them.  Your children’s hands stay off.  “Yes” is not the only word in the dictionary.   There is also “No” and “Because-I-said-so” (all one word).  But for the love of God, you have to mean it when you say it.

I don’t know what a selfie is.  I don’t pose for the camera anymore because the camera doesn’t love me anymore.  If you want a picture of me, take one off the wall. If you do get one of me this holiday, spare me.  I don’t need to see it unless you have one of those appy things that makes me look 50 years younger and 50 pounds skinnier.

I love each and every one of you and I am so glad to have yet another holiday together.  Come hungry and leave full.  Hug one another because you can.  Argue if you must, but then agree to disagree.  Try something new or let go of something old.  Give more.  Take less.   Oh hell.  Listen to me rattle on like I am some sort of philosopher.  Screw it.   Come for the food and stay for the company.  Everything else can be made better with gravy.  I mean it.  Really.
(Note:  The death of Margaret has been greatly exaggerated.)

Margaret, maybe we have this all wrong.  Maybe the big news didn’t happen on Tuesday.  Maybe it was Wednesday.  They say Trump woke a sleeping giant, but maybe that giant didn’t wake up before the election.  Maybe it woke after the election when we all finally realized that everything we hold true and dear about this nation can indeed be taken away. Maybe, just maybe the sleeping giant is actually the millions  who trusted in hope and love instead of those who walked into a polling booth and secretly voted for hate and fear.

I saw a map today of voters age 18-25.  The map was shockingly blue from coast to coast and even in the middle.  Could this be true?  And if so, how do we ensure those voters don’t become jaded?

I am not sure what is next for Margaret & Helen but we are not dead yet.  And I’ll be damned if we go down without a fight. We’ll promise to try and hold on until 2020 if you promise to hold on with us. 

First up, 2018 midterms.  We’ll be here.  Will you?

Whomever we are and whatever color we are, and whatever age we are, and whatever gender we are, and whatever sexual preference, religious belief, city or town, church, mosque or synagogue… we are awake now. And this is our country.

We are battle worn but not battle weary.  Someone has to watch that skunk Trump and keep him in line.  And someone has to watch the Republican powerhouse and make sure they don’t overreach.  Our elected Dems need us now more than ever. 

Wake up!  Wake up! I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 9, 2016

This too shall pass… like a kidney stone.

Dear Hillary,
We are so proud of you. Take some time off, dear. We’ll take it from here.  
Dear Readers of Margaret & Helen,

Our greatest work starts now. If you have a neighbor who has been targeted this election, hug them and remind them that this is still their America too. If you have a neighbor who voted for Trump, congratulate them on their win and then move on.

In their wisdom, the Founding Fathers prepared us for this. Call your local Democratic office today and ask them how you can get involved. Washington moves mercifully slow. We have two years to take Congress away from this man and four years to restore our dignity.

Our Democracy is stronger than one man and one election. This grand experiment we call the United States has not failed. It has just begun. 

Today we heal.

Tomorrow we act.

2018 we correct.

2020 we redeem.

We broke it and now we must fix it. The world is counting on us.  I mean it. Really.

Margaret, I love you.  We will survive, but now it is up to the next generation.  If we raised them right, they will find the good in people and this country will find a way forward.

 It is my hope that my daughters will one day see a woman as President.  Like Hillary, we have fought the good fight for the right reasons.  That spirit does not die tonight.  It lives on in the next generation of strong, confident, smart women. Thank you Hillary. I wish we could have broken that ceiling together.

Hang in there.  I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 10, 2016

An educated person knows crap when they see it

Margaret, I’ve never been one to hold my tongue and that’s not going to change now. Hillary couldn’t say it because she understands the office she aspires to hold. I, however, am not running for President. And therefore…

Donald Trump, you fat-ass, lying son-of-a-bitch. Hillary Clinton doesn’t need to give you or anyone else an explanation for her husband’s behavior anymore than Ivana, Marla or Melania need to explain yours. The idea of sexual assault that you promoted is not a distraction. It is an extremely important issue and to suggest otherwise tells me everything I need to know about you. You are the worst kind of man. You are a man who objectifies and belittles women. For God’s sake you thought it was funny that another man called your daughter a piece of ass.

William Jefferson Clinton is not on the ballot. Hillary Clinton is your opponent. And tonight she grabbed you by your tiny little Johnson and effectively ended this election. You will never be President. Bless your heart,  no matter how much you demean and belittle women, karma is about to be a bitch for you because women will be the reason you fail.

And Mike Pence, you are the worst kind of politician because you wrap yourself in your sanctimonious religious beliefs to legislate your will on others until your religion gets in the way. Then you conveniently kick it to the curb. Suddenly, now you are back on the Trump Train? So 24 hours is all it takes for you to dismiss  sexual assault?  As a reminder Mike, he said he can grab women by the pussy anytime he wants.  If that is what goes on in locker rooms then men should be ashamed. And for the record, Donald doesn’t look like he’s seen the inside of a locker room in decades.

Welcome to your new hell, Mike. Let us know how much you like being forced to carry something to term against your will.  Check for a heartbeat, dear.  You’ll find that Donald doesn’t have one.

The Republican party brought this upon themselves.  They spent decades convincing their base that government is evil, forgetting the whole time that they are a part of that government.  As a result,  the base gave you Trump and now you and all of us are stuck with him.

Donald, throwing your opponent in jail is classic dictatorship. No wonder you admire Putin so much.  You want to be just like him.  You are aware that the President can’t force his will on the people, aren’t you?  You don’t get to toss people you don’t like in jail.  You don’t even get to grab women by the pussy.

The bullshit that comes out of your mouth is astounding. You can’t even keep your insults straight.  After months of claiming Hillary doesn’t have the stamina to be President, you ended the debate by talking about how much you admire that she never gives up and she is a fighter.  I am convinced your constant sniffling is a result of years sniffing glue. That seems to be the only explanation for the bizarre, nonsensical, disconnected stream of words that fall out of your mouth.  No one has more respect for women??? He said that.  No one?  Clearly anyone who doesn’t forcefully grab them by the pussy has more respect and I hope for damn sure that would be the majority of humanity.

This November the American people need to leave Donald Trump and Mike  Pence on the ash heap of history where they belong.  And please, for the love of God, let’s put Corey Lewandowski there too. I mean it.  Really.

Margaret, Melania Trump is speechless at this point because Michelle Obama has never had to respond to an Obama infidelity.  And Donald is now speechless because if Hillary is responsible for Bill’s infidelity then Melania no longer qualifies to be First Lady.

To all my Republican friends out there, please tell me which item below was the tipping point for you:

Donald Trump says that President Obama is not a citizen of the United States.

In a presidential debate, Donald Trump brags about the size of his penis.

After a presidential debate Donald Trumps suggests the moderator was on her period because she asked unfair questions. 

Donald Trump makes fun of a disabled person.

Donald Trump calls 11 million immigrants rapists and murderers.

Donald Trump calls for a ban on an entire religion.

Donald Trump glorifies war.

Donald Trump glorifies a dictator.

Donald Trump suggests more countries should have nuclear weapons.

Donald Trump says that women who have abortions should be punished.

Donald Trump picks a fight with a Gold Star family and suggests he has sacrificed as much.

Donald Trump says not paying taxes makes you smart.

Donald Trump calls Miss Universe fat.

Donald Trump boasts that as a celebrity he can do whatever he wants with women.

Scratch that last one.  I misspoke.  What I meant to say is Donald Trump thinks when you are a star you can do whatever you want including grabbing a married woman by her pussy.

Donald Trump is disgusting.  I mean it. Really.

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