Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 5, 2020

Nancy just tore up the speech. I would have torn him a new asshole. #ImWithFred

Margaret, have you been watching any news lately or did you give up and go back to just talking to your parrots? If you did, I don’t blame you. The media is about to make me lose my religion. There’s so much shit being broadcast, I’m more lost than a fart in a fan factory. Somehow the Iowa Caucuses, which to be honest are about as interesting as watching paint dry, are headline news because we didn’t get our vote count in ten minutes. But an impeached President disrespects the National Anthem, can’t find Missouri on a map and then goes on TV and sniffs and snorts and lies to the American people and it’s declared a victory because he’s just rallying his confederacy of dunces. Lord Jesus have mercy. Where do I begin?

How about I start with Iowa. The news didn’t get their triple-washed results spoon fed to them and all hell broke loose. It took 24 hours to begin to get results. Oh the horror of it all. Honestly I ask you: How could it NOT take a day or two? Did you watch the damn thing? A hundred and fifty thousand Iowans came running out of the corn fields and into gymnasiums and cafeterias with something called a Presidential Preference Card. Once inside they proceeded to have an old-fashioned pig pickin’. People gathered here and then gathered there only to learn that this candidate wasn’t viable and then that candidate was, and suddenly those preference cards were being traded like Green Stamps. For you Bernie supporters out there, Green Stamps have nothing to do with immigrants or the environment.  A better reference for your age group might be Pokémon cards.  And for you Klobuchar supporters – think Beanie Babies. Before you know it, one woman was so confused, she traded away her preference card for Buttigieg not realizing that God has issues with Chasten. I kid you not.

If you ask me, the fact that we started getting results the next day is remarkable.

Look, I’m poking fun at our friends from Iowa, but the truth of the matter is this. It’s a caucus. It’s complicated by design. If it were easy, everyone would participate, and we certainly can’t have that.  And if you think Iowa can’t caucus, imagine what would happen if Florida tried it? Or better yet, Georgia.  Folks – voter suppression is something Americans excel at. Iowa has about 800,000 registered Democrats and over 600,000 didn’t caucus for shit.  With a 19% turnout, you would think we could get those results quickly. Am I right?

Wrong.

This isn’t a disaster. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s a caucus. Shit happens. In 2012 the Republicans were caucusing for Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann, John Huntsman and a couple other candidates who might have been named Gabbard and Yang for all I know. Mitt Romney was declared the winner… until he wasn’t.  Almost 16 days later Rick Santorum was declared the winner but only after the Iowa GOP announced it was really just too close to call anyone a winner.  Four years later in 2016 we think Ted Cruz won, but Ben Carson accused Cruz supporters of cheating and Donald Trump claimed it was rigged against him.  Yeah. That happened.  So… getting results 24 hours later – not really a news story.  But you would have never known that considering how many journalists set their hair on fire yesterday as we waited for the Iowa Democrats to weigh in.  Funny how that was the news when, on the other side, an impeached President was running virtually unopposed.

But it’s not like we are lacking for news ever with this asshat in the White House. How many hours and hours, days, weeks, months even did the media spend on NFL football players supposedly disrespecting the flag by quietly kneeling during the National Anthem. Remember that? Remember how Trump wanted them all fired? Remember how the GOP said they should just shut up and play or even better they could just leave the country if they hated it so much – remember that?  Of course, you do.  It was headline news for… well considering we still hear about it – forever. And yet, when an impeached President Trump waves his hands, points at people and even tries to take a seat  druing the Anthem while others stand at attention with their hands over their hearts… well we don’t hear much about that because evidently the Iowa Caucuses were rigged. Thanks media. Once again you have proven about as useful as a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest.

And then just as the Iowa Caucus results are released, we cut away to the impeached President’s State of the Union Address otherwise know as Trump’s Tall Tales. Among other bullshit, Trump delivered NRA propaganda as red meat. Fred Guttenberg was in the audience. He lost his daughter, Jamie, during the Parkland shootings. Fred spoke truth to power last night while Trump lied to America. Fred was removed from the room. Trump continued to lie.

  • Fact: Trump is fighting in the courts to get rid of insurance coverage for pre-existing conditions.
  • Fact: The economy grew faster under Obama.
  • Fact: Midwest manufacturing activity has hit a 4-year low under Trump.
  • Fact: More jobs were created during Obama’s final three years than during Trumps first three.
  • Fact: Nobody aborts babies.
  • Fact: Donald Trump is a liar.

But what will the story be?  Nancy Pelosi ripped up the speech.

Give me a break mainsteam media. She just tore up the speech. If I had been there, I would have torn him a new asshole. It’s not that you’re fake news. It’s that you’re no news. Get off your asses and do your jobs. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | December 9, 2019

Conservative Christian Republicans really, really, really don’t like to abort babies. Interestingly enough, aborting a baby isn’t a thing. Neither is Baron Barron. #BeBest

Margaret, I don’t suffer fools gladly. Nor do I gladly suffer today’s Conservative Christian Republicans. And now that I’ve read those first two lines, I realize I’m being repetitive.

To be clear there are some of each I can tolerate and some I even love. Not all conservatives are racists, but many are without even knowing it. Not all Christians are hypocrites and I would venture to say most aren’t. And not all Republicans are asshats although I’m beginning to think most are. But every Conservative Christian Republican I have met has very definitely been a racist, hypocritical asshat. Every. Single. One. By definition.

By definition a conservative is a person who is averse to change and holds to traditional values and attitudes. The problem with that is traditionally we have created a country that values some and discriminates against others. America has a real problem with racism and other-ism and it’s not going to be solved by clinging to traditional values.

By definition a Christian is a person who has received Christian baptism and is a believer in Christianity. Christianity is the religion based on the person and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. Interestingly enough Jesus was born into a family of refugees fleeing violence in their homeland. You know, they were… well… they were immigrants and not the fair-skinned ones from Europe.

By definition a Republican is a person who is a member or supporter of the Republican Party. The Republican Party has chosen Donald Trump to be its leader. Most Republicans are conservative but it’s not necessarily a requirement. Donald Trump is a racist but he is not a conservative. He is also not a Christian. He is, however, an asshat.

In case you are missing my point, let me spell it out for you. You can’t follow the teachings of Christ while supporting Donald Trump. Nor can you claim to be a Conservative. Those paths don’t just diverge, they were never together to begin with. You could still be a Republican, but honestly why would you? Republicans are idiots.

Ouch. That wasn’t very Christian of me. But, you know what? I’m pretty sure Jesus would think the same about Republicans. And I know for damn sure Jesus would not gladly suffer a Conservative Christian Republican. Even Jesus has his limits.

Conservative Christian Republicans think there is a war on Christmas. There isn’t. There just seems to be a misunderstanding about when to say Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays. It’s really not that hard.

Merry Christmas is a lovely greeting between two Christians during the month of December. Happy Holidays is a lovely thing to say to someone when you want them to have a Happy Holiday. It actually comes in handy when you are not sure if someone is a Christian. Over 5 billion people on this planet are not Christian. That’s Billion with a B.

And Conservative Christian Republicans really, really, really don’t like to abort babies. Interesting fact: aborting a baby isn’t a thing. We abort a fertilized egg, a blastocyst, an embryo, and sometimes a fetus. By 24 weeks a fetus has a chance of survival outside the uterus. If we’re talking about something later than that, we’re really talking about a pregnancy gone horribly wrong.

The fact that Conservative Christian Republicans have a talking point about post-birth abortions tells you all you need to know about how unChristian they are. If you can’t make your case with the truth then do you really have a case? There is indeed something called a late-term abortion.  It’s not pretty. It’s not happy.  It’s usually the last choice, but it is a choice a woman sometimes makes. And if you knew anything about why a woman might have to make that choice, you would be questioning your faith in God before you would be questioning the choice of that woman.

But bring that child into the world and suddenly all bets are off with Conservative Christian Republicans. They cage them rather than welcome them. You realize seven have already died while in our custody. Seven that we know of.

The GOP sends our kids off to war in exchange for oil. Trump sends them off in exchange for payment. And Conservative Christian Republicans vote for that shit. And evidently they have lengthy conversations with Donald about how many times they flush their toilets.

They also support the death penalty knowing full well that innocent people have mistakenly (or purposely) been executed. And knowing full well that the death penalty is unfairly used to condemn a higher percentage of people of color.

Conservative Christian Republicans believe that God created the world and everything in it. And yet somehow efforts to save the world are considered liberal heresy. Trump doesn’t like energy efficient light bulbs because they make him look orange. Honey, it’s not the bulbs.

Suggesting that 13 year old Barron Trump isn’t a Baron is unforgivable but mocking 16 year old Greta Thunberg for wanting to save the world will get you several hundred thousand likes in MAGA Twitter World.

Can I just pause a minute and focus on Melanie… I mean Melania, our First Lady of Porn… I mean of the United States. Honey, save your outrage. Spare us your mother bear act about politicizing children. Your husband cages children and you went to visit them wearing a jacket that said “I don’t care. Do you?” A few months later you and your orange husband posed with a picture of an infant whose parents were killed by a racist mass murderer. In that photo hubby was giving the “thumbs up.”

I hear Melanie… Melania is upset that Michelle Obama was featured on more magazine covers. Honestly I don’t get it either. With those perky kidneys of hers, I’d think Melania would be on all the men’s magazine covers.

A Conservative Christian Republican will claim that Trump was chosen by God while completely ignoring he is an adulterous, lying, greedy, hateful…have I mentioned recently that Trump is a sack of shit? He stole from charities. He mocked a disabled man. He admitted on video to being a sexual predator and used his position in the pageant world to sneak a peak at young women changing clothes. He sexualized his own daughter on a national radio show agreeing that she was a piece of ass. Let that sink in. When another man asked permission to call his daughter a piece of ass, Trump said “Yeah” and then later on a national television show he suggested he would date her if she wasn’t his daughter. If you think Trump is the chosen one, Jesus thinks you’re an idiot. Of this I am sure.

Here’s the thing. Jesus wasn’t rich. He also wasn’t white. He was a carpenter. If you know anything about Donald Trump then you should know he’s been sued by a lot of carpenters because Trump doesn’t pay his bills. He has also been sued by people of color because he doesn’t like having them live in buildings he owns. Jesus became a preacher but not the kind that flew around in private jets and hung out with Kanye. And, most importantly, his teachings were far from conservative:

Matthew 25:31-46 – “…I was a stranger and you welcomed me.”

Luke 4:16-21 – “…Bring good news to the poor…release to the captives…sight to the blind…let the oppressed go free.”

Luke 3:11 – “Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none…”

Romans 12:13 – “Mark of the true Christian: “…Extend hospitality to strangers…”

I don’t like Conservative Christian Republicans for the same reasons I don’t like Donald Trump. They are racist, hypocritical asshats. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 24, 2019

Did anyone else realize we are building a wall in Colorado? Old Mexicans. New Mexicans. @realDonaldTrump hates all Mexicans. #ColoradoWall

Margaret, nobody is perfect. Lord knows I’ve been known to have a mental lapse every now and then. Like when I thought Tulsi Gabbard might have some good ideas to add to the debates. She didn’t and that’s ok. I’m a big enough person to admit when I’m wrong. Having that capacity – that strength – to admit your mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and then move on – well that’s actually a sign of good character. Which is exactly the reason why I can say without a doubt that Donald J. Drumpf, the 45th (gulp) President of these United States must have a really, really, really tiny penis.

Now hear me out…

Yesterday, Donald told a crowd of idiots that he was building a wall in New Mexico. He isn’t, but that’s not the point of this story. And for those of you who are upset that I just arbitrarily called the entire crowd idiots, just hang in there. I’ll make my case.

Trump told the room full of morons – I mean idiots – that he was building a wall in New Mexico. And then he added that he was building a wall in Colorado. And then in Texas… Wait. What? Colorado? He’s building a wall in Colorado? Yep. That’s what he said. And apparently it’s “a big one that really works.” He then joked about not building one in Kansas. And thank goodness about that because Oklahoma already feels insecure enough. Being cut off from Trump’s United States would just be rubbing salt in those Sooner wounds.

But about that wall in Colorado…

Why Colorado? Does Trump think that Colorado is a border state? Or does he really just hate ALL Mexicans? Old Mexicans. New Mexicans. You know, all those brown people illegally immigrating from Santa Fe and Albuquerque and places farther south. The rapists and the drug dealers with their turquoise jewelry and Hatch green chilis. Or maybe Trump just isn’t very smart.

And speaking of not very smart… Remember the room full of idiots? At the mention of a wall in Colorado they all leapt to their feet and applauded. Hot damn. Trump is gonna build that there wall in Colorado. A big one that really works. That’ll keep out those… those Mex… those New Mex… those (how do you spell that sound a trombone makes?)

Calling them idiots is a compliment. It was mostly a room full of white men with straight lines for family trees. Dear lord let’s hope they all have slow swimming sperm so the tree trunk can just stop right there with that last red baseball cap. If your family tree has no branches, that red hat comes in handy due to the lack of shade.

Now it’s bad enough that Trump can’t place Colorado on a map. And like I said, nobody is perfect. But this guy, this stable genius can’t admit when he’s wrong. Ever. EVER! A few hours later, the asshat tweets out an explanation that he was just kidding about building a wall in Colorado just like he was kidding about not building a wall in Kansas. He was (and I quote) “referring to the people in the very packed auditorium from Colorado and Kansas, getting the benefit of the border wall.”

What. The. F…

He couldn’t just admit that he was wrong. He couldn’t just say that he had made a mistake. Did I mention that he was giving this speech in this packed auditorium full of people from Colorado and Kansas… did I mention it was in Pennsylvania? Now to his credit it was Pittsburgh which is on the far western side of Pennsylvania. That’s only a mere 1,400 miles from Denver and a quick 900 miles from Topeka. All those folks from Colorado and Kansas probably commute daily. Whenever politicians want to score points in Pittsburgh they make it a point to throw red meat to the hoards of voters from Colorado and Kansas. Really. It’s a thing.

If you can’t ever admit when you are wrong, why in the hell should we ever believe you when you insist you are right? I think just maybe it’s because you are almost never right. And I doubt you give a shit.

Bless his heart. The problem with Donald J. Trump isn’t just that he’s an idiot. The problem with Donald J. Trump is that he’s an idiot who also lacks character. And still worse, he’s the most insecure person I’ve ever known. All those stories about how he’s the greatest this and the only that and the perfect phone calls. What the hell is a perfect phone call? Did Ukraine accept the charges? Did it end with an I love you?

No, Mr. Trump you are not the only President in history to donate his salary. Hoover and Kennedy did.

No, Mr. Trump you haven’t been treated worse than any other President ever. Four sitting Presidents have been assassinated while in office.

No, Mr. Trump your crowds aren’t the biggest ever. Your words aren’t the best ever. Your phone call wasn’t perfect. And your hotels aren’t the best locations for G-7 summits.

Just stop being a total piece of shit and admit when you are wrong. Is that so hard? Are you really that insecure? My god, just how small must your penis be? I mean how serious a problem can we be dealing with here? Can someone help me out? Ivana? Marla? Melania? Stormy? Ivanka? Russian Hooker #4? How bad is it?

And to the entire GOP – is this really the ship you want to go down with? This guy? The guy so insecure he flipped off the female astronauts who politely corrected his incorrect statement about females who have walked in space? That’s your guy? The guy with the bad combover and the cheap suits made in China? The guy who just brought our soldiers home from Syria by selling them to Saudi Arabia? The guy who last year said the Kurds were our friends and is now abandoning them because they didn’t help us in World War II?

You don’t follow that guy. You impeach that guy.

And for the record, the various congressional committees that have been investigating a possible impeachment have members from BOTH parties. The Republicans have NOT been shut out of the process. Sure Matt Gaetz has been shut out, but that‘s only because he sits on the Asshats With DUI’s Committee which isn’t a part of the impeachment inquiry.

That little third grade stunt yesterday where GOP congressmen stormed a closed hearing room was just that- a stunt. And it was the worst display of poor statesmanship since Joe Wilson yelled “You Lie” at Obama during a joint address to congress. Grow the hell up. You are supposed to be the nation’s leaders.

If this is the best the Republican Party has to offer, then maybe Tulsi Gabbard should come out as a Republican. How hard could it be to shine in that chandelier of dimwits?

And if you are a Democrat, I am begging you. No matter who gets the nomination. We all get our asses out to the voting booth and vote blue no matter who. Even you Tulsites. There will be no Jill Stein mistakes this year. Because America can’t take another four years of this shithead. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | March 15, 2019

Abortion is not a dirty word and Planned Parenthood isn’t a McDonald’s and the GOP can go F**K itself

Margaret honey, nothing pisses me off more than when a man has an opinion about something he knows nothing about. And one thing for damn sure a man knows nothing about is what’s in a woman’s mind and heart when she is making a decision about whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. It’s called an abortion. It’s not a dirty word. It’s legal. It’s a woman’s right. It’s personal. A woman can choose to have one or not. And damn it, there is no such thing as a post-birth abortion unless you’re talking about the death penalty (which is a whole nother GOP lie).

The fact that the GOP has a talking point about post-birth abortions tells you all you need to know about how stupid the GOP is and how stupid they think voters are. If you can’t make your case with the truth then do you really have a case? There is indeed something called a late-term abortion.  It’s not pretty. It’s not happy.  It’s usually the last choice, but it is a choice a woman sometimes makes. And if you knew anything about why a woman might have to make that choice, you would be questioning your faith in God before you would be questioning the choice of that woman.

Contrary to what our asshat of a President and his confederacy of dunces think, women don’t pull up to a Planned Parenthood and order up an abortion like it’s a Big Mac.  No one at Planned Parenthood takes our request for a pregnancy test and tries to upsize us to an abortion and some fries. Women make this decision with a great deal of thought, prayer and consultation with our loved ones and our doctors.

I am an old woman. I don’t like the f-word. I didn’t use that word until the orange asshat arrived. But on this topic, you bet your sweet ass I’ll use it. FUCK YOU GOP for continuing to politicize this deeply personal decision that should be left between a woman and her doctor. Get your lies out of our government and get your politics out of our vaginas. And while you are at it, why don’t you get those children at the border out of those cages. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 1, 2019

When we were young…

Sometimes you find that person in life who completes you. Hollywood corny, I know, but this time it fits.

Margaret’s husband Howard was a kind, gentle man. Oh and incredibly smart. So damn smart. He laughed at us and with us. He cheered us on even in times when we deserved no audience much less an approving one. He steadied the waters when they were rough and built a ship where Margaret could sail freely with no fear of wind or rain. Her’s is a life filled with joy. That is the gift he gave her.

I will miss you dear Howard with all my heart. And I will forever be in your debt for the years of love you gave to my friend. Rest In Peace.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 28, 2019

Do you have any idea how hard it is not to use the F-word when talking about Donald Trump? It’s damn near f-ing impossible. #FactsMatter #HowToTrainYourDragon

Margaret, I know you don’t Tweet unless you are talking to your parrots. And for what it’s worth, I told you those things would outlive us. I know you thought I was stupid to get on the Twitter. Well, I should have listened to you, honey. I came. I tweeted. And I got covered in shit. Probably because Twitter is chock-full of assholes who don’t know the difference between your and you’re.

Now before all you NitTwits out there write me off, read on for a little bit. There are some things that are good about Twitter. Most are not easy to find, but they’re there if you are willing to work a bit. I’ll explain…

On Friday, a jackass named Roger Stone whined that the FBI had raided his home leaving himself, his dog, his wife (in that order) and even his neighbor forever traumatized.  From his description, it’s hard to believe he was able to pull it all together in time to make a speech, do a few radio interviews, and then finish it off with a couple of cable news shows, all while hoping someone would ask him about how he once took out personal ads referring to himself as a body builder with a hot wife looking for muscular studs for threesomes. Yep. True story. Stone is a real asshat.

But I’ve gotten off track. This really isn’t about Roger Stone. However, I would like to take a second to point out that while he was kicked off Bob Dole’s campaign for his little trio fetish, he was eventually hired again by George W. Bush and, of course, Donald J. Trump.  In fact, given enough time I can probably prove that while not every asshole is on Twitter, they are all on a Republican payroll somewhere.

Anyway, back to the point of this story…

Immediately the Cheeto in Chief tweeted from the White House that Roger Stone was treated more unfairly than drug dealers and border coyotes.  I find that pretty rich coming from Trump. Unless Roger’s wife was put in a cage, I’d say he got off pretty easy by Trump standards.  How someone can cram so many lies into so few characters is astounding. It’s probably the only thing at which Trump excels. One day the history books will tell the story of how Trump became president because a bunch of racists inbred to the point that they had the attention span of a gnat. If your family tree goes in a straight line, I’ve got a red hat to sell you. Yep. I’m a bitch. Screw you MAGA nation. You screwed up Christianity and now you’ve screwed up the United States of America.  All because you think an immigrant stole your job. Well here’s 280 characters for you:

An immigrant who achieves the American Dream didn’t steal anything from you or your family. They just wanted it more than you and worked harder than you. And they did it with all the odds stacked against them.  If your life sucks lemons, a wall isn’t going to turn it to lemonade.

Off track again.  Sadly, I’m pretty sure any MAGAt who started reading this has long ago gotten distracted by a shiny object.  Probably one of those shiny blondes on Fox & Friends.

So back to Friday…

As if the Stone indictment wasn’t enough, we also saw a woman finally get the best of Trump. Shockingly, porn and secret payments weren’t involved.  Sorry, Stormy. I’ve come to love you honey, but Nancy fucked Trump and that little mushroom of  Donald’s never made an appearance. Now that’s my kind of woman. (Note – I just used a word that I once thought I would never use. The F-word. I’ll explain in a bit.)  The great deal maker just spent a month dealing himself into Ann Coulter’s timeout corner.  Speaking of that pholcidae, Ann Coulter needs to eat a potato chip once in awhile.  Honey, when you turn sideways your nose looks like the tab on a zipper.  I know. I know. I shouldn’t body shame.  Fine. I made fun of a skinny bitch.  Hate me today.  I’ll apologize tomorrow by sending her a pie.  So many assholes. So much shit. So few characters. Even fewer with character.

But where was I?  Oh yes…Nancy.

Nancy Pelosi is one hell of a leader despite the fact that we require her to work twice as hard and endlessly prove herself worthy of her job. Nancy isn’t just matching Fred Astaire’s dance moves step-for-step backwards and in heels, she’s reminding the entire world that if women were allowed to take the reins, some important shit could finally get done. For the love of God, you MAGA asshats, she is the reason you have anything even close to affordable healthcare and a living wage. And if not for your precious GOP, you would have gotten the whole enchilada. I probably shouldn’t have used that enchilada metaphore. Did someone say wall?

Oh, but again, I digress… It’s so easy to do when you are not limited to 280 characters.

And so, here we are.  After 4,542 characters and one President without character, we arrive at my point:

With all that news to offer on Friday, that same evening the Washington Post tweeted out this headline for a story: Texas officials flag tens of thousands of voters for citizen checks. I don’t know what the terms mean, but the kids call that click bait and then go on about something to do with ratios. Not important. What is important is that IF you actually read the article – and almost no one on Twitter does – the very LAST paragraph explains that Texas has no proof of voter fraud and further research most likely will show that minimal if any occurred. But that didn’t stop the Great Orange Yeast Infection from tweeting a few hours later the lie that voter fraud was a huge problem because 95,000 illegal immigrants voted in the last election in Texas.

Why the last paragraph of that story is not the first paragraph is a good example of how  we got into this mess. Shame on the Washington Post for making it so easy for Trump. In my day, people called it judging a book by its cover. I have always just called it what it is: Bullshit. And friends, Twitter is full of bullshit. And the biggest asshole spewing shit and stinking up the place is Donald Jackass Trump. His 57 million followers judge a book by its cover, a person by their color, and their own IQ by the number of channels on their cable box. The only book they might pick up is the Bible and, I promise you, they don’t read that one either. For the record, he’s YOUR president, and YOU’RE an asshat for believing him. YOUR is a possessive adjective.  YOU’RE is a contraction of you are.

Now mind you, if you look really hard, you can find Tweets like the one from the Texas Tribune to its 180,000 followers warning people about the misleading headline.  How much do you want to bet that almost no MAGA-hats follow the Texas Tribune? Trust me.  It requires reading more than just a headline, and those people only get their headlines from one place – Fox News – the only place with more assholes full of shit than Twitter.  And speaking of assholes, can Tucker Carlson pull his head out of his long enough to see where role modeling Bill O’Reilly is going to take him? A loofah, a hot shower and Lindsey Graham.  No wait. What? That doesn’t make any sense. But it did allow me to sneak in a mention of Lindsey Graham. Of all the Real Housewives I hate; Lindsey Olin Graham is at the top of my list. No matter what side of his mouth Lindsey talks out of, it’s always shrill. Don’t try to follow my logic folks – it’s all shits and grins at this point.  Because in the end, that is all Twitter is good for.  Well, almost…

Journalist and politicians have no business trying to do their jobs on Twitter.  It’s a great place for cat videos, clever comments from Quinn Cummings, and teen activists trying to take down the god-awful NRA.  All those things SHOULD be accomplished in 280 characters or less.  You really shouldn’t have to work too hard to point out that cats are cute, Quinn is hilarious, and the NRA is evil.  But trying to be President of the United States 280 characters at a time should be a god-damn constitutional crisis. And Congress should at long last put a stop to it. Censure him. Indict him. Impeach him. Anything him.  Just quit tweeting at him and do your damn job.  And the same thing goes to all of you journalists on Twitter. A story is more than its headline.  If you are going to limit yourself to 280 characters, then make sure you get to the truth around character 10 or 11.  Trump and his followers lose their attention after that.

You know what else happened last week?  Five women were shot execution style by a gunman in Florida.  Another gunman killed five people in Louisiana. All that and we focused on an idiot like Stone. It doesn’t take 280 characters to make the case that a national state of emergency isn’t at the southern border. It’s at the NRA headquarters. If the President wasn’t so fixated on how many likes he gets, he might know that. Jesus H. Christ I hate that man. How on God’s green earth did he ever become President? Oh wait. Twitter. I forgot. Damn you @Jack.  And by the way, did you really suspend me because of my joke about Trump listening to the voices in his head?  Seriously?  The man practically started a nuclear war on your platform.

Now, I’ll admit that I am probably just another one of those assholes on Twitter, but I did meet a few good people along the way. I doubt they even knew I was following them. If you want to be on Twitter and do some good, follow @davidhogg111 or @Emma4Change. Want a good laugh?  Follow @quinncy or @louisvirtel. Want to actually make a difference as a political activist?  Try @Alyssa_Milano or @williamlegate.  Want to waste your time?  Follow a Kardashian. And for the love of God, give @kathygriffin a break. It was a fucking halloween mask. If you follow a journalist, promise that you’ll click on the link and read the whole story.  Might I suggest @texastribune, @DanRather, @annanavarro or @NicoleDWallace.  Just don’t follow a politician until they retire. And that goes double for @realdonaldfuckingtrump!

So, here we are at the end of my little rant. In this story, I used the F-word. Three times. It’s a word that I had always banned on this little web blog of mine.  I humbly ask for your forgiveness.  But do you realize how hard it is to talk about Donald Trump and not use that word?  It’s god-damn near fucking impossible.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 21, 2018

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family

Dear Family,

As we gather again for another Thanksgiving, I’d like to set up some house rules. I know I’m not the head cook anymore, but I’m still the head of the household so listen up:

No cell phones at the dinner table.

No feet (big or tiny) on my furniture.

No jello-salad.

Parenting is a full-time job. You don’t get the holiday off. Watch your kids and make sure there is some food on their plate that has color. Carrots. Green beans. Yams. Something more than just mashed potatoes. They might not eat any, but it’s never too soon to introduce them to each other. It would be easier if I was still the cook and everything had a little bacon grease to help it go down, but in this age of vegavegan-gluttenfree-halffat-lesssodium-nosugaradded, I can’t be responsible for how the food tastes anymore. Gone are the days of the three master spices: salt, pepper and bacon grease.

No jello-salad. I’m serious about this. The only thing that jiggles at my house this Thanksgiving will be your Aunt Trudy after a few glasses of wine.

I’ve lived a long life and along the way, I’ve collected a few nice things. I don’t put them away for company and I don’t put them away for family. Eventually your child needs to learn the meaning of the word No. Let’s make that happen today. We watch football in the family room on TV. We throw footballs outside on the lawn. And when you do go outside, shut the door behind you. I don’t need to air condition the whole neighborhood. And if Mr. Briggers next door tells you to stay off his lawn, tell him to stay off my last nerve. I swear, that man is the one bad bulb that ruins the whole string of lights.

If you want to talk politics sit next to me, but if you own a MAGA hat be warned. Your President is an asshat and I’m old enough to speak my mind regardless of your precious feelings. If I were you, I’d practice don’t ask, don’t tell because even when I mind my Ps and Qs, I can still spell bullshit.

No jello-salad.

If your child still wears diapers, you will leave with the same number of them as you had when you arrived. Bag them up and take them with you. The trash man doesn’t come again until next Tuesday and the last thing I need is a trash can full of baby poop. No exceptions to this rule. You’re dealing with a woman who washed cloth diapers so this would be an argument you will lose.

You know I love you. And I am indeed thankful for my family. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Follow the rules and we’ll all get along just fine.

No jello-salad. I mean it. Really.

With love,

Aunt Helen/Mom/Grandma

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 8, 2018

Republicans are nuttier than squirrel shit. #Resist

Margaret, if you want to know just how deplorable Trumpsters are, this week they elected two indicted criminals, a Nazi and a dead brothel owner.  And the fact that most people reading this are asking themselves “which Nazi?” is just bat shit crazy.  To be honest, it could have been multiple Nazis, but it’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference between a GOP Congressman and a Nazi these days. Some might be just your run-of-the-mill racists. You know what they say about old, white men standing in front of a flag, pledging allegiance to Donald Trump… they all look alike.

A dead brothel owner.  I’m sorry.  I just had to say that again. The party of family values elected a dead pimp. Bless their hearts but Republicans are nuttier than squirrel shit.

Now, I know that some of you Democrats out there, especially in Florida, Georgia and Texas, are filling a bit blue today and not in a good Blue Wave way. We’re feeling blue because we fell in love with Andrew, Beto and Stacey and hoped that racists in red states would be standing in line at a Cracker Barrel instead of a polling station.  Damn you Cracker Barrel! What happened to your all-you-can-eat chicken fried opossum steak on Tuesdays?

Honestly, it was going to be an uphill battle and we got a bit ahead of ourselves. After all, this is Florida, Georgia and Texas we are talking about. They are GOP red mixed with a little scarlet, crimson, cardinal, ruby, magenta, brick, carmine, rose, vermilion, cerise, coral, and burgundy. The fact that Beto was even in the hunt and the other two are still too close to call is pretty amazing.  Sure, it stung. But we really do have a great deal to celebrate. We took back the House. Our wave was big enough to overcome gerrymandering and voter suppression, sending several hundred state and federal members of the GOP packing.

If you are feeling a bit down, maybe this will pick you up. Here are a few of my favorite casualties:

Karen Handel.  Remember her? This homophobic, she-devil in wolf’s clothing managed to destroy the otherwise stellar reputation of the Susan G Komen Foundation when she picked a fight with Planned Parenthood.  Komen recovered somewhat but it never returned to its former glory. Well, now a Democrat in Georgia named Lucy McBath is my new favorite person and Georgia’s 6th Congressional District’s newest Representative.  Kiss my ass Karen. The only organization I liked more than Komen was Planned Parenthood and you damaged one in order to attack the other.  Don’t mess with Planned Parenthood. Ever. By the way, McBath ran on more gun control… in Georgia.

Kim Davis.  This walking hairball in need of a hairstyle became famous in Kentucky for refusing to give marriage licenses to same sex couples, claiming Jesus told her to hate people. She then crashed a party pretending to be the Pope’s BFF and became the white trash darling for white trash religious nutjobs everywhere when she traveled to Romania to fight gay marriage there.  Wait.  What?  Listen, folks.  The cheese slid off this gal’s cracker years ago. Thank goodness that Kentucky Democrats dropped a house on Kim.  To be honest, she lost by less than 700 votes, but that was to be expected considering she was related to, married to, divorced by and otherwise had children out of wedlock with a sizable percentage of the male voting population in the county.  Hypocrisy is what the GOP now calls a family value.

Jason Lewis.  I bet you don’t remember this asshat from Minnesota’s 2nd Congressional District unless you’re a slut… I mean a woman… I mean a slut.  Lewis complained that political correctness had gotten so bad that he couldn’t even call a woman a slut anymore without getting in trouble. He lost to Democrat Angie Craig.  I don’t know you Angie, but I love you regardless of what Jason is most assuredly calling you at this moment.

Jack Phillips.  He’s probably the most famous baker in Colorado, but not because his cakes taste good, bad or otherwise.   Jack is the Colorado Baker who refused to bake a cake for a gay couple and took his argument all the way to the Supreme Court.  He then tried to sue the Governor of Colorado because he didn’t want to bake a pink and blue cake for a transgender woman. Guess what?  Jack now has a new Governor in Colorado.  His name is Jared Polis and he’s gay.  Please, please, please Governor Polis, order your inauguration cake from Jack if for no other reason than shits and giggles.

Kevin Yoder.  I know nothing about this congressman from Kansas except he was a Republican in Kansas, which is rarely a good thing. He lost to a Native American woman named Sharice Davids. Now Sharice has a remarkable story and you should read about it.  But I don’t want to talk about that now because I am being a little selfish. I just want to sit a minute and imagine Donald Trump watching Fox News on Tuesday when they gave a Democratic pick up seat to a woman who happens to be Native American and who also happens to be a lesbian and a mixed, martial arts fighter.  Ah! Sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found thee…  Sharice honey, if you meet the President, please kick him where it counts.

Barbara Comstock.  When Florida Parkland Students came to talk to her about gun violence, she refused to meet with them.  Barbara lost to Democrat Jennifer Wexton.  Bye, bye Barbara. Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

Listen.  I was sad.  I wanted Beto as much as anyone.  I really did. But here in Texas we picked up so many down ballot Democrats because of Beto that I don’t think being sad is an appropriate way to remember Beto, or Stacey or Andrew.  And maybe its not even over for Stacey who is still fighting the good fight. Good luck Stacey.  Every vote counts. But no.  We can’t be down. We have just too much to be excited about.

  • Chairman Elijah Cummings, House Oversight Committee
  • Chairman Adam Schiff, House Intelligence Committee
  • Chairwoman Maxine Waters, House Financial Services Committee
  • Chairman Richard Neal, House Ways and Means Committee
  • Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the woman who gave us the Affordable Care Act the last time she had that title

That is huge.  We took back the House and turned a huge section of the country blue, while Trump kept Georgia, Florida and Texas red… barely.  We changed everything.  He changed nothing.

Maybe the Blue Wave wasn’t as big in some parts of the country as others. As it swept from east to west across the country like an invading army of immigrants… no wait.  As it swept from east to west, it hit patches of gerrymandering and mountains of voter suppression.  But it indeed swept across the country no matter how large or small it seemed at times.  One thing we know for sure, if left unchecked, Trump could bring out the worst in all of us.  And sadly, he’s proud of that. But then again, he’s an idiot.  The blue wave came, and it was big enough.  I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 1, 2018

Lindsey Graham Sets His Sights On Becoming First Lady

Margaret, did you know that women currently make up more than half the population in the US, but we are represented by a Congress made up of 80 percent men? Oh, and honey, it gets worse. Among other countries we are ranked 104th in the world when it comes to female representation in government. Five places behind Saudi Arabia! Hell, we’re almost 40 spots behind Iraq… Yes. You heard me: BEHIND IRAQ.

How long before men realize that women are their equals? After last week, we can probably make the argument that we are more than equal. Everyone of those GOP Senators expected an overly emotional, erratic and maybe even hysterical witness… and let me tell you Brett Kavanaugh did not disappoint. If I were Brett, I’d be worried that The Donald might now try to grab his pussy. Christine Ford managed to stay calm and respectful for 4 hours.   Brett couldn’t last 2 minutes before he came undone.  And speaking of undone, Lindsey Graham deserves an award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role for his portrayal of Donald Trump’s new girlfriend.  Move over Stormy Daniels. Hurricane Graham has arrived.

To be clear, Brett Kavanaugh is indeed innocent until proven guilty.  And it’s not search and destroy like Kavanaugh and Trump want us to believe.  It’s about making sure the truth comes out. Afterall, if there is nothing to find, then it doesn’t matter how hard you search.   When a woman finds the courage to speak about sexual assault, she deserves to be heard. And hearing her means taking the time to fully investigate in hopes of uncovering the truth.  And if that means men need to be a little scared, so be it. We women have been living scared all our lives. If you are worried for your sons, I have one piece of advice for you. Teach them to respect women.  Problem solved.

But I don’t even know why I am wasting my time writing this.  For the love of God, Republicans just elected a man who was videotaped bragging about assault. Are we really surprised they think a calendar showing exercise workouts during the 80’s is proof enough of innocence? If you are a Republican woman, I hope you are paying attention. It doesn’t matter how accomplished, how intelligent or how credible you are. You will be ignored, dismissed and even smeared if you stand between a Republican man and his path to power… regardless of what evidence you have or don’t have.  If it happens in their teens, it’s boys will be boys, and if it happens as adults, it’s just locker room talk.  Evidently Republicans are just fine electing men who sexually harass and assault women.

Honestly, how do Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins sleep at night? It’s been almost thirty years since the Anita Hill testimony, and we women continue to be ignored about sexual harassment, assault and rape at the hands of powerful men. There have been 52 total women in the United States Senate since its establishment in 1789.  And one of those women simply served for one day.  Until 2001, the most common way for a woman to become a US Senator was to be appointed following the death or resignation of a husband or father who previously held the seat.  Today there are 21 female Senators – 16 Democrats and 5 Republicans… well 6 depending on which column you place Lindsey Graham. Quite frankly, he lacks the humanity to be in either. Imagine how differently things could be if there were 50.

The late Governor Ann Richards liked to say, “Life isn’t one thing after another.  It’s the same damn thing over and over again.”  Well, I am tired of fighting this fight over and over again.  This November we have more women than ever running for elected office, and I for one plan to vote for them early and often. I mean it.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 23, 2018

How about we require the NRA to build their headquarters with no entrances or exits? #NeverAgain

Margaret, I grew up on a farm in Georgia. We had more guns than silverware. To this day, I still have a gun in my house. By all means, if it helps to keep children from being murdered, come and take it. Unlike that Dana Loesch, I don’t need it that badly. Bless her heart, when you spew that much hate, I guess you go through life thinking everyone wants to do you harm. She really should try adding a little color to her wardrobe. And maybe smile more… or at least once.

We’ve talked about it long enough. We need to do something about America’s gun problem. But if we leave it up to those asshats at the Capitol, we’ll be building schools with one door where students are allowed to wear only a leotard while carrying their books in a clear ziplock baggie.

Making it all about a mental health crisis sounds reasonable… until you realize that mental health isn’t exclusive to the United States and statistically speaking doesn’t correspond with our proportionally higher rate of gun violence nor does it specifically apply on a case by case basis. Ouch. That hurt my head a little bit to think through. Maybe that’s why NRA Neanderthals settle for low hanging fruit like too many doors and trench coats.

Regardless, we shouldn’t need a school shooting to realize that mental healthcare should be as easy to access as your Twitter account, and likewise it should be affordable or even free. I think parents who don’t have the good sense to lock away their guns might be a good test sample group to start with, because that level of ignorance and irresponsibility has got to be some sort of mental issue.

And then there’s video games and violent movies. Now don’t get me started. I too think my grandchildren need to put away the electronics and get outside more. That kind of life only leads to fat backsides and skinny thumbs. But again, unlike little Dana Loesch and the NRA, violent images in games and in movies are not exclusive to America.

Speaking of Nuts R Allowed… Oliver North? Is that a joke or was Wayne LaPierre not generating idiotic ideas fast enough? “A culture of violence,” says the guy who sold guns to Iran in order to give money to people who tortured civilians and raped women including nuns and children. Yep. That guy. How about we require the NRA to build their headquarters with no entrances or exits?

You know what IS exclusive to the United States of America? The NRA, 42% of civilian guns, and an orange yeast infection wearing a MAGA hat.

Folks, it’s really not that difficult. Less guns equals less gun violence. And I call bullshit on anyone who claims differently. Facts are facts. Trench coats, video games, violent movies, social media, mental health and even doors exist beyond our borders. But a mass school shooting once a month has become as American as baseball and apple pie.

If you love your children, vote out any politician who takes money from the NRA. And start with Ted Cruz. Never Again must become more than just a hashtag. I mean it. Really

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