Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 2, 2016

When does the Right actually get it right?

Margaret, the Republican Party claims to be the party of Christian family values.  And by family values they mean bigotry, hypocrisy, misogyny , greed, war and fake tans. The Democrats, on the other hand, are the godless party of peace, universal healthcare, public education, a living wage, and recycling.

Hmmmm. I guess I read a different bible.

The Pope is at odds with Trump while Vladimir Putin sees common ground with Trump.  And I can only assume Bobby Knight punched a few people in the face on his way to the podium to deliver his endorsement of Trump. Family values? That would be one family of which I am happy not to be on the Christmas card list.

Republicans are just not right.  I mean it. Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | April 28, 2016

Cruz and Fiorina Hope to Steal a Few Delegates in Tanzayneeah 

Margaret, I am not running for President, so I have picked you to be my running mate.  Don’t laugh, darling. We have a better chance of winning than Carly and Ted.  And God help me, I hope we have a better chance than Trump and his running mate Huge Ego.

If you plan to vote for a Republican this year, please consider eating glass instead.  Between assaults at Trump rallies, lies about Planned Parenthood and debates about penis size, haven’t we all had enough?  After all, the worst thing that happened on the Democratic side this year was when Bernie Sanders told Hillary Clinton to stay off his lawn.

Seventeen clowns ran for the Republican nomination and although we are down to three, they all keep coming back.  Chris Christie and Ben Carson went away and Trump brought them back.  Carly Fiorina went away and Ted Cruz brought her back. John Kasich went away and… No.  Wait. Why hasn’t John Kasich gone away?

Kasich thinks he is getting the nomination.  Ted convinced Carly that they already have the nomination. And Trump cemented the nomination while talking about our embassy in Tanzayneeah.  I can only assume that is a country in the made-up world currently occupied by the Republican candidates.  After all, Trump’s Tanzayneeah is as real as the country Cruz plans to rule with Carly and almost as real as whatever world Kasich lives in.

And while all that is playing out, a former United States Speaker of the House has been convicted of a financial cover-up to conceal years of child molestation.   Hastert got 15 months in prison which seems like a short sentence until you realize the first Republican primary happened less than three months ago… Feels like three years.  But seriously, how many glass houses have to break in that party before Republicans get off their high horse and start realizing they are actually the problem? 

Hastert deserves life and the rest of us deserve a break from all these jackasses.  I mean it.  Really.

Margaret, once again I find myself stating the obvious – of course the KKK is a part of the Republican base.  Are Republicans really trying to suddenly be outraged by that?  When you hate immigrants, hate gays, question the patriotism of the first black President, use war to solve all your problems… Well hell, Margaret, I could have just used those exact same words to actually describe the KKK rather than the current Republican party.

The entire Republican leadership is culpable for the rise of Trump.  For years they have suppressed minority voters, denied rights to gays, and vilified immigrants.  How in the hell can the party of Strom Thurmond, Jesse Helms, Joe Arpaio, Jan Brewer, Sarah Palin, Paul LePage, Mike Huckabee, Jason Rapert, Jon Hubbard, Loy Mauch, Bob McDonnell, Haley Barbour, Jeff Sessions,  Rick Santorum, Ted Cruz, George Allen, … suddenly be offended by Donald Trump?  Hell, the list of racist, homophobic, immigrant-hating Republican politicians is so long, I haven’t even scratched the surface.  And who do you think voted them into office?

The numbers speak for themselves.

The KKK thinks Obama is a Muslim.

Almost half of the Republican Party thinks Obama is a Muslim.

The KKK is anti-immigration.

 A majority of Republicans support a ban on all Muslim immigration and over half support an increase in the deportation of Mexican immigrants.

The KKK promotes hate crimes against homosexuals and is adamantly opposed to same sex marriage.

Almost 2/3 of Republicans do not agree with the Supreme Court’s decision to allow same sex marriage.

The KKK believes African Americans are second class citizens.

Republican controlled state houses have systemically passed laws to suppress the African American vote.

The KKK, small as it is, seems to do best in the Deep South where Republicans do best.  Coincidence?  Oh honey, bless your heart.  I have lived most of my life next door to women who cook and think like Paula Deen.

The Republican leadership can wish all it wants that Donald Trump isn’t their front runner, but in reality they can put wishes in their right hand and shit in their left hand and I promise you that the left one will always  fill up first. If they thought Donald Trump was electable the GOP would be blaming CNN for a faulty earpiece.

In truth, for the first time in my life I have enjoyed watching a few minutes of Fox News.  Those folks are so bent out of shape over this they could kiss their own behind while enjoying the sunshine on their face.  If Bill O’Reilly and company were to be totally honest, they aren’t quite sure what to do right now considering the KKK is probably a ratings point or two for the network.

I have no problem saying what the journalists seem unwilling to say. Until GOP voters demand that the party change its platform, to be a Republican today means you have more in common with the KKK than you probably care to admit. 

Donald Trump was endorsed by a legitimate portion of the Republican base and the party leaders are upset that their little secret got out. I mean it.  Really.

Margaret, they are about to vote in my state honey, and then they’re coming for you.  Get ready. 

Can someone please tell me when exactly does the Republican Party  have to finally  take responsibility for unleashing these lunatics on the American people? I mean they gave us Sarah Palin and now this?  After years of pandering to uneducated, racist, gun-loving, women hating,  born again and again and again asshats, the Republican Party is finally reaping their reward – Donald Trump. And they don’t seem very happy with their harvest.

I saw an interview with a gay, black Republican congressman from Georgia who is supporting Rubio. I think that makes him a unicorn.  But anyway…  The reporter pointed out that Rubio doesn’t recognize the congressman’s relationship with his same-sex partner. The congressman responded by saying that was ok because neither did his mother.  Now if that ain’t the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.  Well it was, at least until I watched that debate.

Watching the debate I actually found myself  agreeing with Donald on a few things.  Rubio is a fool and Cruz is a liar.  The problem is… Donald Trump is an asshole.  And that was the Republican debate in a nutshell – an asshole standing between a fool and a liar.

And then there was crazy.  I’m speaking, of course,  about Ben Carson.  Seriously now.  What does picking a Supreme Court Justice have to do with  fruit salad?  He hardly has a thing to say all night, poor dear, and then ends with some bit about  his healing hands.  Good Lord, he spent most of the night with his hands in his pockets doing God only knows what. Why is he even there?  Oh that’s right.  So the Republican Party can pretend it’s the party of diversity. 

And then there was Kasich.  Bless his heart.

Anyway, back to the fool, the liar and the asshole.   That is the best and the brightest in the Republican Party?  Trump, Rubio and Cruz? If this group of idiots actually had an intelligent thought among them, it would die of loneliness. Maybe if we allow open carry at the next debate, they’ll all accidentally shoot one another and put us out of our misery. These fools couldn’t empty piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

People, you get what you vote for and if you vote Republican that is what you get. A fool.  A liar. An asshole. Or that guy who was off camera most of the night asking politly to be attacked… Because that is the most any black man could ask for from the Republican Party.

And then there was Kasich. Bless his heart.

If you think I’m just being mean, so be it.  If you don’t believe me about Rubio being a fool, research his connections to the Koch brothers.  And if you don’t think Ted Cruz is a liar, research his Senate involvement with immigration reform.  And if you don’t think Trump is an asshole, read any book he’s ever written.

Listen.  I think the right choice is Hillary. Some of you think it’s Bernie.  Can we all at least agree that when the time comes we’ll get ourselves, our family members  and our friends off our asses and out to the polls to vote for the Democratic nominee regardless of who it is?  Because there are three words in the English language that we can never, ever allow to be spoken: President Donald Trump.  I mean it.  Really. 

Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 8, 2016

There is a reason big girls don’t cry. We haven’t the time.

helen-mug1  FROM HELEN:

Margaret,  as you would expect, I have been glued to the news ever since the voting started in Iowa and now moves on to New Hampshire…up there near you, honey.  I bet politicians are worse than the leaf peepers in fall.  Being so close to Vermont, I am wondering if you can tell me why the youngsters are so excited about Senator Sanders?  I thought all of us old fogeys were too square these days.

I saw a young woman on MSNBC  talking about how Hillary’s feminism was not her feminism.  Oh honey.   If you only knew.  When my mother was your age, she wasn’t allowed to vote. When I was your age, journalists wouldn’t have even bothered to ask for my opinion. They would have wanted my husband’s instead.  Your opinion actually made news around the world.  That’s just remarkable.  Trust me when I tell you that my  mother’s feminism became mine.  And mine became Hillary’s which most definitely became yours.  Feminism isn’t a vote.  It’s a birthright.

If you will all humor me, I think I would like to talk to those young ladies who aren’t too concerned about seeing a woman in the White House this time around.   Of course, you can always feel free to ignore me.

Eight years ago was invigorating.   We saw a woman and a black man go farther than any before.   Each were viable candidates for the most powerful position in the world.   The old broad in me was selfish enough to want the woman to win, but the liberal in me was open-minded enough to celebrate the black man.   Now let’s be clear before the comments start coming.   I am old and maybe I don’t have a good grasp on political correctness.  If I should be saying African-American or Person of Color or some other descriptor then I stand corrected.  As I have said before, I used to have a good handle on life but lately that door’s been sticking.

My point is, sometimes elections are about big things.  The day we elected Barack Obama, we changed the world for the better, forever.  And no matter how hard the Republicans have tried to minimize that, we all now know it is possible and that possibility will change lives for generations to come. The day we elect a woman to the White House, we change the world for the better, forever.  Unless that woman is Sarah Palin or Carly Fiorini – then we get a do over.

Now just settle yourself down.  I’m not saying we should vote for Hillary just because she is a woman.  I’m just saying that’s a good place to start.   Read a book she’s written.  Look up her biography and study her career without the political pundits like Andrea Mitchell telling you how to think.  You might discover that she’s been fighting a revolution for years.

Hillary Clinton has a long list of accomplishments.  She  went to Yale, became a lawyer and instead of joining a big firm, she went to work for the Children’s Defense  Fund. Eventually she taught law and served as First Lady of Arkansas and then First Lady of the country.  I remember how the press criticized her because she said she wanted to be more politically active as First Lady.  In fact, years before Obamacare, Mrs. Clinton led the effort for universal healthcare.  Oh my goodness but the Republicans raked her over the coals for that.  But she didn’t give up.  She worked with those same Republicans and was at least able to get the State Children’s Health Insurance Program which provided healthcare to millions of children. She also set up the Office on Violence Against Women and was an avid supporter of the Foster Care Independence Bill and championed the Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 And that’s just the the short of it.

No doubt some of you young ones only remember her when she served as the U.S. Senator from New York and then as Secretary of State.  And sadly, because she was so good at both, the Republican Party spent years trying to discredit her accomplishments.  Ted Cruz suggested she should be spanked like the way he spanks his 5 year old daughter.

Well hell, give me five minutes alone with Ted and not only will he never hit a child again, but he’ll also know what it feels like to have a size nine SAS loafer up his ass.  He nor any other of those bozos can hold a candle to  Hillary Clinton.

Now that is just my opinion, of course, and I encourage you to have an opinion of your own.  

I get the allure of Sanders.  Revolutions are exciting, but sometimes the casualties are so high that only the young are willing to take on the fight.  I do understand that.  I’ve been there.  We might look like something the dog hides under the porch now, but all us old feminists were young once too.

Before you go, let me tell you a little something about a revolution in this country that started generations ago and is still being fought today.

My great grandmother was born before a married woman could own property, enter into contracts, or earn a salary.  In her life time much of that changed.   She could own property and make a salary before she died, but she would not have been allowed to own her own business.

My grandmother was born before a woman had the right to vote.  She died before gaining that right.

My mother was also born before women had the right to vote but luckily she saw that change in her lifetime.  I bet you didn’t realize that was less than 100 years ago.

I was born when the only legal form of birth control was abstinence.  Women went to jail if caught with devices such as condoms and diaphragms.  Believe it or not, married couples didn’t gain the right to use birth control in all 50 states until 1965.  Unmarried women didn’t gain that right until 1972.     Of course, Palin and Fiorini would like to see it go away, but we finally gained the right to a safe and legal abortion in 1972.  And you might not realize it, but most of those Republican candidates today would like to see all the laws on birth control reversed – not just that last one.

Women of my generation fought hard so that women of your generation could actually grow up believing anything was possible.

Listen, I ‘m so old I might crack in half tomorrow.  It takes a lot of Bengay for me to feel the burn.   I am still fighting for the right for women to control our own bodies and  sadly I have yet to see a woman be elected President.  Are you sure you can wait?  Forgive me in advance if I am offending you, but  I didn’t put on my big girl panties for over 60 years fighting for this day just to have you ignore its importance.  You don’t have to vote for Hillary but you have to at least recognize how significant this all is.

People like Hillary Clinton helped to create a world where young women today can actually believe it will happen soon enough if it doesn’t have to happen this time. Fair enough.  But please remember that my generation grew up in a world where that possibility was far from sure.

If it is a revolution you want, I can sympathize.  I been fighting a revolution too.  I just thought you should know that while a revolution might start in your lifetime, it  doesn’t necessarily end before you die.  I am ready for my revolution… no OUR revolution to come to an end if for no other reason than opening the way for yours to begin.  I expect greatness from the women of your generation even if I won’t be around to experience it.

Personally, I don’t think the Democratic Party running so far to the left is helpful when the Republican Party has gone so far to the right.  I might be wrong but I fear Bernie’s revolution won’t even make it to the White House much less through Congress.  But if you insist on Sanders and he gets the nomination, I will join you in your revolution.  And if Hillary gets the nomination, and I believe she will, I hope you will join me in finishing mine.   You might be surprised, however, that Hillary could very well be the one you were looking for all along.  She’s been fighting for the underdog all of her career.

Regardless of how you feel now, we all can agree on one thing: a Republican in the White House would be the end of both of our revolutions.

Feel free to ignore me. Vote for Bernie or vote for Hillary.  I won’t get my feelings hurt.  I haven’t the time.  A woman of my age got over having her opinion ignored a long time ago.  I hope you never do. I mean it.  Really.

margaret-mug1 FROM MARGARET:

Helen, dear, feeling the burn at our age is never a good thing and that’s all I have to say about that.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 27, 2016

If Sarah Palin is your big catch, I question the size of your pole

Margaret, glad to hear that winter storm Jonas landed to your south.  I hate to think of you being so north during the winter months.  Of course, you don’t like my being so south come July so there’s that.

I guess we can both be thankful that we’re not in the Midwest where the Republicans have once again unleashed winter storm Sarah Palin on the unsuspecting citizens of Iowa.  Good Lord but that woman is an idiot.  I may not be the brightest bulb on the tree, but that dimwit burned out eight Christmases ago.

If you are thinking about voting for a Republican this year, you might want to consider that the party’s front runner enthusiastically welcomed her endorsement while the guy in second place happily assumed he had a monopoly on that crazy.  I mean if your big catch is Sarah Palin, I have to question the size of your pole and the potency of your bait.

Everyone on the right side of the isle is courting born again Christians as if that second birth gives them a second vote.  Exactly what is it about that second birth that produces so much self righteousness?  Sarah promotes abstinence but is yet to have a grandchild conceived in wedlock. She accuses Obama of being too slow to go to war, but then blames Obama for her military son’s post traumatic stress syndrome.   The woman actually has a college degree in communications and yet has no command whatsoever of the English language.  And all of this qualifies her to endorse a presidential candidate how?

Here’s a little secret I offer to the Republican Party and its presidential candidates:  Sarah Palin is an idiot. Financial conservatism and smaller government might have some merit.  But what the hell does any of that have to do with loving war and hating immigrants?  Not to mention demeaning women, persecuting gays, suppressing voters and lying about Planned Parenthood… Put all those things together and it quickly becomes clear that your party is so focused on born again Christians that you have forgotten those of us who were born once and got it right the first time. 

If the Republican Party lets go of the hate and stops using government to overreach into my vagina, I might actually consider listening to what they have to say about smaller government. 

Of course, if Sarah Palin is your spokesperson then you’ve lost me even before the conversation gets started.  I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | December 25, 2015

You can even celebrate for no reason at all

Whatever your reason for celebrating the season, we hope your home is filled with good food, good friends, good health…

And a turkey big enough to feed 22!  I mean it. Really. 


Margaret, I’ve been doing a lot of musing lately about things that just don’t add up in my head. Of course, at my age lots of things don’t add up anymore, like why I keep a shopping list but then forget to bring it with me when I shop. But lately it’s been about bigger things like guns, wars and the stupidity of the Republican Party.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the ratification of the Bill of Rights, a document that gave me the right to call Sarah Palin a bitch (1st Amendment) and idiots the right to own guns (2nd Amendment). And it’s hard for me to cherish my right to free speech while chastising others for reveling in their right to bear arms. Of course, there’s just one little problem with that. There is supposed be a little something called a “well regulated militia” bearing those arms.  Instead what we’ve got is a bunch of unregulated bigots. In their delusional belief that guns make us all more safe, the NRA has succeeded in its self-fulfilling prophecy of creating a world filled with more guns. No one seems to ever consider the idea that a world with fewer guns might make for a world that needs fewer guns.  

And to prove my point, even Christmas has been turned into a war.  Honestly, is it really that offensive to just wish someone Happy Holidays?  After all, Merry Christmas doesn’t exactly evoke images of the birth of Jesus as much as it does a fat man in a red suit with a bag of toys.  Realizing that counting down the number of shopping days to his birthday might be a little off-putting to Jesus, I think I’ll gladly stick with my Happy Holidays regardless of some haughty born-again’s desire to hear Merry Christmas.

But what I find most confusing these days is the Republican Party’s constant insistence that banning Muslims and Mexicans is not a Republican value and that Donald Trump’s extreme views are not representative of the GOP. Funny. Maybe in their efforts to roll back the Voting Rights Act,  Republicans have forgotten that votes actually mean something,  and currently the one Republican counting the most votes wants to ban Muslims and Mexicans.

Sometimes you might not like where you end up, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t actually there.  Like it or not, the place they have landed is a debate stage filled with angry politicians calling for more wars.  And Trump is what you get when  card-carrying NRA members hell bent on wishing everyone a Merry Christmas are the largest voting block in your party. Nine of the GOP’s finest were debating on that stage but I swear there’s a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than all of them.

If you ask me, it’s time for a new party, but sadly nobody asked me. Happy Holidays everyone.  I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 23, 2015

2015 Thanksgiving Letter to the Family

Dear Family,

This will be my first Thanksgiving without my gallbladder.  And I just learned that we have one more special needs eater in the family. I’ll tell you what, this year I will meet you all halfway.  I’ll make the same meal I make every year and those of you with vegitarian, vegan and gluten issues can stop eating halfway through the meal.  Problem solved.

The other rules around the house will be a little lax this year as well.  What can I say? I’m feeling generous.

1. I have new floors. If it’s raining outside, leave your shoes outside.  If it’s not raining, leave your shoes outside. Molly, those spikes you call heels better not come near my floors.  Leave them at home because if you leave them outside the kids might use them for lawn darts.

2. If you have children, then you are called a parent which means you should be parenting.  Just because you don’t care what your house looks like, doesn’t mean I don’t care about mine.  Keep an eye on your kids so I don’t have to keep an eye on my things.

3. Despite modern advances in the food industry, turkeys are only so big.  We are a large family and because of modern advances in the food industry our asses are big as well. So this leaves us with the need to achieve a delicate balance between how much we CAN eat vs. how much we WILL eat to make sure there is enough for everyone.  Please monitor your children (see rule 2) and make sure they take only what they will eat.  And if you don’t get enough, don’t worry.  There’s always pie.

4. I absolutely cook with bacon and bacon grease.  I use lots of butter, cream, salt and even a little sugar.  Thanks to the advances in modern medicine, you can bring your medical prescriptions with you  and leave your dietary restrictions at home. 

5. Upon arriving at my house look for the basket on the entry table. Deposit all cell phones in that basket.  Upon departure, you can take the damn thing with you, but in the meantime maybe you can try having an actual relationship with your loved ones.  

6. You needn’t bring anything, but if you insist on bringing a dish, then go ahead and bring it.  If it’s good, we’ll make room on the buffet.  If it’s jello salad, we’ll make room in the trash.

7. Speaking of trash, mine gets picked up on Wednesdays by a truck .  Your children’s gets picked up by you today. (see rule 2)

8.  Unlike the Trump’s table, everyone is welcome at mine.  Just let me know in advance if you are bringing guests so I can make sure we have enough food to go around. 

9. The best photographs are the ones I am not in.  Point your camera in a different direction.  If you want photos of me, I have plenty to share that were taken in the 1950’s.  Back then the camera was kinder to me.

10. If you want to talk politics come sit next to me.  There’s a good chance I’ll either convince you to change your politics or change your desire to talk about politics.  And if neither happens, I can always turn off my hearing aids.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I am thankful to still be here.  I mean it really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 22, 2015

Even when I watch my P’s & Q’s I can still spell bullshit

Margaret, I just read that Texas State idiots – I mean auditors – raided Planned Parenthood clinics today.  Women trust and value the work of Planned Parenthood. We see this for what it is.  That Asshat Abbott has decided to abuse and harass until he gets his way with women. 

The battle lines have been drawn.  Governors across the country want to score political points by pleasing their conservative base. They have targeted Planned Parenthood.  Doctors and nurses and staff at Planned Parenthood have been there for us when we needed them most.  Now they need us more than ever.

Honey, you know me, even when I watch my P’s & Q’s I can still spell bullshit. Join me in calling bullshit on these politically motivated investigations.  Call now.  Hang up and call again.  Rinse and repeat all day long.  Enough is enough.  I mean it. Really.


Arizona Governor Ducey: (602) 542-4331

Arkansas Governor Hutchinson (501) 682-2345

Florida Governor Scott: (850) 717-9337

Louisiana Governor Jindal: (225) 342-7015

North Carolina Governor McCrory: (919) 814-2000

Ohio Governor Kasich: (614) 466-3555

Oklahoma Governor Fallin: (405) 521-2342

South Carolina Governor Haley: (803) 734-2100

Tennessee Governor Haslam: (615) 741-2001

Texas Governor Abbott: (512) 463-1782

Wisconsin Governor Walker: (608) 266-1212

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