Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 27, 2016

If Sarah Palin is your big catch, I question the size of your pole

Margaret, glad to hear that winter storm Jonas landed to your south.  I hate to think of you being so north during the winter months.  Of course, you don’t like my being so south come July so there’s that.

I guess we can both be thankful that we’re not in the Midwest where the Republicans have once again unleashed winter storm Sarah Palin on the unsuspecting citizens of Iowa.  Good Lord but that woman is an idiot.  I may not be the brightest bulb on the tree, but that dimwit burned out eight Christmases ago.

If you are thinking about voting for a Republican this year, you might want to consider that the party’s front runner enthusiastically welcomed her endorsement while the guy in second place happily assumed he had a monopoly on that crazy.  I mean if your big catch is Sarah Palin, I have to question the size of your pole and the potency of your bait.

Everyone on the right side of the isle is courting born again Christians as if that second birth gives them a second vote.  Exactly what is it about that second birth that produces so much self righteousness?  Sarah promotes abstinence but is yet to have a grandchild conceived in wedlock. She accuses Obama of being too slow to go to war, but then blames Obama for her military son’s post traumatic stress syndrome.   The woman actually has a college degree in communications and yet has no command whatsoever of the English language.  And all of this qualifies her to endorse a presidential candidate how?

Here’s a little secret I offer to the Republican Party and its presidential candidates:  Sarah Palin is an idiot. Financial conservatism and smaller government might have some merit.  But what the hell does any of that have to do with loving war and hating immigrants?  Not to mention demeaning women, persecuting gays, suppressing voters and lying about Planned Parenthood… Put all those things together and it quickly becomes clear that your party is so focused on born again Christians that you have forgotten those of us who were born once and got it right the first time. 

If the Republican Party lets go of the hate and stops using government to overreach into my vagina, I might actually consider listening to what they have to say about smaller government. 

Of course, if Sarah Palin is your spokesperson then you’ve lost me even before the conversation gets started.  I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | December 25, 2015

You can even celebrate for no reason at all

Whatever your reason for celebrating the season, we hope your home is filled with good food, good friends, good health…

And a turkey big enough to feed 22!  I mean it. Really. 


Margaret, I’ve been doing a lot of musing lately about things that just don’t add up in my head. Of course, at my age lots of things don’t add up anymore, like why I keep a shopping list but then forget to bring it with me when I shop. But lately it’s been about bigger things like guns, wars and the stupidity of the Republican Party.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the ratification of the Bill of Rights, a document that gave me the right to call Sarah Palin a bitch (1st Amendment) and idiots the right to own guns (2nd Amendment). And it’s hard for me to cherish my right to free speech while chastising others for reveling in their right to bear arms. Of course, there’s just one little problem with that. There is supposed be a little something called a “well regulated militia” bearing those arms.  Instead what we’ve got is a bunch of unregulated bigots. In their delusional belief that guns make us all more safe, the NRA has succeeded in its self-fulfilling prophecy of creating a world filled with more guns. No one seems to ever consider the idea that a world with fewer guns might make for a world that needs fewer guns.  

And to prove my point, even Christmas has been turned into a war.  Honestly, is it really that offensive to just wish someone Happy Holidays?  After all, Merry Christmas doesn’t exactly evoke images of the birth of Jesus as much as it does a fat man in a red suit with a bag of toys.  Realizing that counting down the number of shopping days to his birthday might be a little off-putting to Jesus, I think I’ll gladly stick with my Happy Holidays regardless of some haughty born-again’s desire to hear Merry Christmas.

But what I find most confusing these days is the Republican Party’s constant insistence that banning Muslims and Mexicans is not a Republican value and that Donald Trump’s extreme views are not representative of the GOP. Funny. Maybe in their efforts to roll back the Voting Rights Act,  Republicans have forgotten that votes actually mean something,  and currently the one Republican counting the most votes wants to ban Muslims and Mexicans.

Sometimes you might not like where you end up, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t actually there.  Like it or not, the place they have landed is a debate stage filled with angry politicians calling for more wars.  And Trump is what you get when  card-carrying NRA members hell bent on wishing everyone a Merry Christmas are the largest voting block in your party. Nine of the GOP’s finest were debating on that stage but I swear there’s a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than all of them.

If you ask me, it’s time for a new party, but sadly nobody asked me. Happy Holidays everyone.  I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 23, 2015

2015 Thanksgiving Letter to the Family

Dear Family,

This will be my first Thanksgiving without my gallbladder.  And I just learned that we have one more special needs eater in the family. I’ll tell you what, this year I will meet you all halfway.  I’ll make the same meal I make every year and those of you with vegitarian, vegan and gluten issues can stop eating halfway through the meal.  Problem solved.

The other rules around the house will be a little lax this year as well.  What can I say? I’m feeling generous.

1. I have new floors. If it’s raining outside, leave your shoes outside.  If it’s not raining, leave your shoes outside. Molly, those spikes you call heels better not come near my floors.  Leave them at home because if you leave them outside the kids might use them for lawn darts.

2. If you have children, then you are called a parent which means you should be parenting.  Just because you don’t care what your house looks like, doesn’t mean I don’t care about mine.  Keep an eye on your kids so I don’t have to keep an eye on my things.

3. Despite modern advances in the food industry, turkeys are only so big.  We are a large family and because of modern advances in the food industry our asses are big as well. So this leaves us with the need to achieve a delicate balance between how much we CAN eat vs. how much we WILL eat to make sure there is enough for everyone.  Please monitor your children (see rule 2) and make sure they take only what they will eat.  And if you don’t get enough, don’t worry.  There’s always pie.

4. I absolutely cook with bacon and bacon grease.  I use lots of butter, cream, salt and even a little sugar.  Thanks to the advances in modern medicine, you can bring your medical prescriptions with you  and leave your dietary restrictions at home. 

5. Upon arriving at my house look for the basket on the entry table. Deposit all cell phones in that basket.  Upon departure, you can take the damn thing with you, but in the meantime maybe you can try having an actual relationship with your loved ones.  

6. You needn’t bring anything, but if you insist on bringing a dish, then go ahead and bring it.  If it’s good, we’ll make room on the buffet.  If it’s jello salad, we’ll make room in the trash.

7. Speaking of trash, mine gets picked up on Wednesdays by a truck .  Your children’s gets picked up by you today. (see rule 2)

8.  Unlike the Trump’s table, everyone is welcome at mine.  Just let me know in advance if you are bringing guests so I can make sure we have enough food to go around. 

9. The best photographs are the ones I am not in.  Point your camera in a different direction.  If you want photos of me, I have plenty to share that were taken in the 1950’s.  Back then the camera was kinder to me.

10. If you want to talk politics come sit next to me.  There’s a good chance I’ll either convince you to change your politics or change your desire to talk about politics.  And if neither happens, I can always turn off my hearing aids.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I am thankful to still be here.  I mean it really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 22, 2015

Even when I watch my P’s & Q’s I can still spell bullshit

Margaret, I just read that Texas State idiots – I mean auditors – raided Planned Parenthood clinics today.  Women trust and value the work of Planned Parenthood. We see this for what it is.  That Asshat Abbott has decided to abuse and harass until he gets his way with women. 

The battle lines have been drawn.  Governors across the country want to score political points by pleasing their conservative base. They have targeted Planned Parenthood.  Doctors and nurses and staff at Planned Parenthood have been there for us when we needed them most.  Now they need us more than ever.

Honey, you know me, even when I watch my P’s & Q’s I can still spell bullshit. Join me in calling bullshit on these politically motivated investigations.  Call now.  Hang up and call again.  Rinse and repeat all day long.  Enough is enough.  I mean it. Really.


Arizona Governor Ducey: (602) 542-4331

Arkansas Governor Hutchinson (501) 682-2345

Florida Governor Scott: (850) 717-9337

Louisiana Governor Jindal: (225) 342-7015

North Carolina Governor McCrory: (919) 814-2000

Ohio Governor Kasich: (614) 466-3555

Oklahoma Governor Fallin: (405) 521-2342

South Carolina Governor Haley: (803) 734-2100

Tennessee Governor Haslam: (615) 741-2001

Texas Governor Abbott: (512) 463-1782

Wisconsin Governor Walker: (608) 266-1212

Margaret, in our day women were expected to sit down and be quiet about most things and especially about politics.  As you know, I was never very good at being a woman in my day.

Greg Abbott has decided his personal religious beliefs are more important than the health of poor women.  His lies should tell you how little moral conviction he really has.  That man makes about as much sense as tits on a bull.

Women of Texas put on your big girl panties and prepare to roar!

Here is the number to call if you have comments for that Asshat Governor Greg Abbott:  512-463-1782. 

You can leave a recorded message or stay on the line and speak to someone.  Either way, let’s light up that damn switchboard!

As my dear friend Ann Richards liked to say, “After all, Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels.”  And I will add that in my opinion she did it better.  I mean it.  Really.

PS: If your state is messing with Planned Parenthood too, send me your Governor’s number and I’ll add it here.


Arizona Governor Ducey: (602) 542-4331

Arkansas Governor Hutchinson 1-501-682-2345

Florida Governor Scott: (850) 717-9337

Louisiana Governor Jindal: (225) 342-7015

North Carolina Governor McCrory: (919) 814-2000

Ohio Governor Kasich: (614) 466-3555

Oklahoma Governor Fallin:  (405) 521-2342

South Carolina Governor Haley: (803) 734-2100

Tennessee Governor Haslam: (615) 741-2001

Texas Governor Abbott: (512) 463-1782

Wisconsin Governor Walker: (608) 266-1212

Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 20, 2015

Greg Abbott is an Asshat

Margaret,  I am madder than a wet hen and anyone looking for humor in this post probably isn’t going to find it.  The best thing that came out of writing this webpage blog was learning what the term Asshat means.  I wish we knew the person who first wrote that years ago because it has become one of my favorite words, and when it comes to Asshats there isn’t a better example than Texas Governor Greg Abbott.  If anyone out there still thinks there isn’t a Republican war on women, I suggest they look in the mirror to see what hat they are wearing as well.

Denying women access to family planning will increase the number of abortions.  Even an asshat knows that.  And Abbott knows that tens of thousands of women in Texas use Planned Parenthood for basic family planning and gynecological care.

Planned Parenthood has NOT been found guilty of any wrong doing.  None.   Dozens of investigations and no one has gone to jail and no charges have been made.  Why?  Because Greg Abbott is a liar.   His personal religious beliefs have no bearing when it comes to a woman’s constitutional right to a have a safe and legal abortion and, if she so chooses, to then donate fetal tissue to aid in life-saving medical research.  But Abbott has said ongoing investigations based on edited, misleading videos are reasons to defund Planned Parenthood. By the way, most Planned Parenthood clinics don’t even participate in those research programs and therefore have never donated fetal tissue.  And in Texas only one clinic participated and that research was conducted with the University of Texas Medical Branch in a study to better understand how to prevent miscarriages.

Medicaid reimbursement isn’t rocket science.   Qualified health care providers get reimbursed for providing services to qualified patients for APPROVED services.   The vast majority of people receiving services from Planned Parenthood live at 150 percent of the federal poverty level or lower. 

Abortion is not a qualified service unless the pregnancy is the result of incest, rape or will result in the death of the mother.  And more often than not coverage is denied due to political bias.  Reimbursement even with rape or incest is so restrictive in Texas that it almost never happens, eventhough the Hyde Amendment is the current law of the land.  But not allowing Medicaid to be legally used for those abortions wasn’t enough for Abbott.  He and the  Republicans and their merry band of right-wing Christian idiots have now prevented poor women from accessing those funds for birth control, cancer screenings and basic gynecological care.  Greg Abbott already told women who have been raped and children who are victims of incest that he doesn’t give a shit.  And now he has told poor women that their lives are less valuable than wealthy women. 

Greg,if you have to lie to make your point about Planned Parenthood, then maybe you are making the wrong point.   Denying women access to services at Planned Parenthood will increase the number of abortions.  I know it and you know it.  And I am calling you on your bullshit.

Tens of thousands of Texas woman have decided to use Planned Parenthood as their healthcare provider.  Some do so because the Planned Parenthood clinic is the only clinic they can get to, but most do so because (God damn you, Abbott) WOMEN LIKE PLANNED PARENTHOOD.  And who is Abbott to decide we can’t go to our provider of choice?

Greg Abbott thinks that his personal religious beliefs allows him to abuse his position of power and force women to do what he says.  From where I sit, Abbott is no better than a rapist.   And Greg Abbott knows damn well that his politically motivated actions will increase the number of abortions in Texas.  He is an Asshat.  I mean it.  Really.



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Margaret, normally we can find a little humor in everything. I think that’s why we’ve outlived almost everyone we know.  But the Republican Party has gotten to a place where even humor doesn’t make them palatable.

If I hear one more Republican deliver the talking point that America doesn’t need a continuation of Obama’s failed policies… Well I’d say I’d pull my hair out, but I want to hang on to what little I have left.

So with all humor aside…

Fact: the economy is amazingly robust with over 12 million new jobs created under Obama, a stock market that has more than doubled, and deficits that have been cut by two-thirds.

Fact: the Middle East has been screwed up for generations but it’s better off than when George Bush and Dick Cheney were calling the shots.

Fact: Obamacare has been remarkably successful  with health care inflation at the lowest rate in nearly 50 years. 

Fact: Carly Fiorina failed at HP just as she failed to realize Planned Parenthood  is more popular than the NRA and the Republican Party.

Opinion: Gay weddings are actually quite well done and it’s been nice to see Americans excited about wedding ceremonies happening outside of a London cathedral .   And by the way, the Republican front runner has been married three times more than the Democrat.

Like it or not, Obama is a highly popular President as are Former Presidents Clinton and Carter.  Meanwhile  both Bush’s are as lost as last year’s Easter egg.

The Republicans can go on believing that we don’t want a continuation of Obama’s policies, but from where I sit that dog just don’t hunt.  Why in the hell are we trying to find a Democrat who can work with Republicans when even Republicans can’t work with Republicans.  That whole damn party is so useless if they actually could come up with a good idea, it would die of loneliness.

And I really, really wish CNN would point that out every time  they have another delusional Republican spokesperson on as an expert.  I mean it.  Really. 

helen-mug1 HELEN:

Margaret, within minutes of the President saying that he would be accused of politicizing this latest shooting, right on schedule Fox News accused him of politicizing it.  I swear the yahoos over at that network could start an argument all alone in an empty room.

How many times does a President have to go on television to ask for our prayers and our thoughts  before our elected officials decide to pass sensible gun laws? Why in the world do we think it should be easier and less expensive  to get guns than it is to get mental health treatment?

Crazy people fire guns at will these days and politicians have nothing to say except our thoughts and prayers are with the victims.  But a women makes the private decision to end an unwanted or unhealthy pregnancy and those same politicians cry murder and pass laws faster than a hot knife through butter.

It occurs to me that if Planned Parenthood would just shoot the fetus with a gun maybe the Republicans would let women have control over their own bodies.   Now I know how awful that sounds, but it’s no crazier than all those NRA-card-carrying idiots who are now warning the government to keep their hands off our guns while just a few days ago they pulled Cecile  Richards into a hearing to talk about the government getting its hands on a women’s uterus.

The hypocrisy of their actions is as appalling as what I just wrote. Then again, I’m not an elected official.

If they cared so much about life, they’d work as hard to get rid of guns as they do to get rid of Planned Parenthood. But I fear the only life they care about is the one that will vote for them during the next election. Sadly, I mean that. Really.

margaret-mug1 MARGARET:

Helen, dear, either you have fallen and hit your head again or you’re just still upset by this season’s Dancing with the Stars cast. Either way, I can tell that you are all fired up once again. Heaven help those in your line of fire, dear.

Margaret, all I can say is a clown car pulled up to the Reagan Library and a whole lot of stupid came tumbling out.  And the one female representative on stage spent the evening lying while calling the front runner a liar.  There were just too many asshats to talk about each of them, but here is my best attempt to talk about some of them…

If Donald Trump really thinks Carly Fiorina has a pretty face, then my late husband really thought I had a skinny ass.  Both are bad at lying.  My point really being, who gives a crap? This isn’t one of Trump’s beauty pageants.  These are the people who want to become the next President of the United States.  Never in my life would I have believed that things could be worse than Sarah Palin.

Donald, honey, Mexicans are not all bad any more than Americans are all good.  Kim Davis, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, George Bush… need I say more?  In life we have to take the good with the bad, but I would suggest that if you look for the good in people, you might actually find the good in people.  Sometimes I should take my own advice, but this lot of candidates makes it very hard to see the good in the GOP.

Love him or hate him, Donald is the front-runner because he embodies the beliefs of the current Republican Party.  He’s quick to fight.  He hates people who are not like him. He judges women by the way they look. He thinks a big wallet excuses all faults.  Sound familiar?  If the Republicans don’t want him as a front-runner, then maybe they should take another look at their party’s platform.

And speaking of that party’s platform, how the hell did a woman end up there?  Oh that’s right.  She has a lot of money and she hates women.   Republicans, including Fiorina, opposed the Lilly Ledbetter Act, the Family Medical Leave Act,  paid sick-leave and pay-check equity.  Carly might have been a woman once but today Caitlyn Jenner has more X  chromosomes.

If Carly is going to use edited videos to make her point, maybe she should actually watch the edited videos which clearly she did not.  There is no footage of a fetus kicking and screaming while Planned Parenthood plots to harvest its brain.  As a woman, why lie about an organization that does more to help women in a day than you will ever do in a lifetime?  It was like watching an episode of Finding Bigfoot.  They never find one but gosh by golly they sure do think it’s real. I think women all over the world heard very clearly what Carly said, and most of them called bullshit.  And good Lord but she always looks madder than a wet hen.  Honey, have you given any thought to what being a Republican woman is doing to your health? Oh that’s right.  You don’t care about the health of women.  You want to defund Planned Parenthood.

If you have to lie about Planned Parenthood to make your point, maybe your making the wrong point. And speaking of making the wrong point…

Jeb Bush said his brother kept us safe. Jeb! Bless his heart.  Jeb’s so useless if he had a third hand he’d need an extra pocket to stick it in.   I’m sorry your mother didn’t love you enough.  Get over it or get some therapy.  Either way, I agree with your mother about one thing.  We don’t need another Bush in the White House.

Marco Rubio.  Chris Christie.  Rand Paul.  The professor and Mary Ann… On this Trump and I agree.  Why were any of them  even up there?

I could go on, but then this story would be as long as that debate.  And that would not be a good thing.  I mean it. Really.

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