(NOTE FROM HELEN – I use a lot of dirty words in this story. A lot even for me. And dirty even for me. If you suffer through the nasty language, I think you might enjoy the intended message. If not, I’m sorry. Get over it.)
Margaret, I know you didn’t watch the shit show this week, so I did. We pride ourselves on being informed so I suffered through it for the both of us. Here is what you missed:
- Night One: Land of Heroes – Evidently most heroes are white and scream a lot.
- Night Two: Land of Promise – The GOP promises that if you vote for Donald, you will never, ever have a black person as a next door neighbor. Plus! Melania promises that the guy who left his first two wives and then cheated on her will never, ever lie to you.
- Night Three: Land of Opportunity – Given the opportunity, Mike and Karen Pence would probably tell me to my face that they are more Christian than I. Pence gives an amazing speech while simultaneously crawling up Trump’s ass. Also, Donald Trump really didn’t hug his kids enough… if at all.
- Night Four: Land of Great Asshats – Ben Carson put a cup of coffee to sleep. In the land of greatness if you stay out past curfew, some white guy also out past curfew gets to shoot you. It’s in the constitution. Oh and, Trump lied.
Basically, the theme of the week is that only Donald Trump can save us from the mess that Donald Trump made. However, it had an interesting subplot where some bitch YELLED LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER at us right before her high-as-a-kite boyfriend and his brother begged the business man who raised them to please love them.
Sorry for the bad words. It’s just that I am overly anxious after a week of speakers screaming at me about HOW HORRIBLE AMERICA IS. It was almost as if they forgot that Donald Trump was President.
Years ago, I got caught calling Sarah Palin a bitch and suddenly a whole lot of people started paying attention to our little blog. In retrospect, I should not have called her a bitch. That word is derogatory towards women. It’s also a female dog and honestly dogs are just the best which would mean a female dog is perfection and I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that Sarah Palin is perfect. I meant to suggest that she is a stupid twat. No wait.
Twat is another one of those words that offends me because it is another derogatory word that is almost exclusively used to denigrate women. I say “almost” exclusively because I have watched a few English comedy shows during quarantine and it appears that they apply that word to pretty much everybody. But still, it’s not a word I like. My apologies to all of you for having to read it. I know I could go back and just delete it, but then I would also have to delete all the words I have written afterwards and that is really just too much time and energy wasted on Sarah Palin. And honestly, who cares about that b… that t…. that… let’s just go with asshat. Who cares about that asshat anymore?
Asshat is genderless, right? I mean everyone has an ass and a head and pretty much every Republican I have met – male, female, intersex, Lindsey Graham – has been able to easily and successfully stick their head up their own ass or, in the case of Lindsey Graham, up Trump’s ass. There doesn’t seem to be male/female preference for being an asshat. I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU KIMBERLY GUFFEROLLAFUL.. GUFF.. GUER…. never mind her last name. You know who I am talking about. That bitch who is dating Don Jr. Oh crap. I said bitch. I meant asshat. KIMBERLY GOOGLELY IS AN ASSHAT. KEEP READING BECAUSE THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
I really am sorry. It’s one of those old dogs, new tricks situations. I need to stop using the term bitch to describe Republican women who always seem to have their head up their asses.
Maybe if I try to apply that term to a man…
Mike Pence, however, is the real bitch. Well shit. That doesn’t work either. Using bitch to belittle a man doesn’t really solve my problem. Mike Pence is actually a homophobic, boot licking, mother fucker…
Now wait. Just hold on right there. Hard stop.
Mother fucker is a horrible expression and I have now used it twice. It is just horrible and not a term I tolerate. Except… Mike literally sleeps with a woman he calls Mother. So, there is that. But between you and me, I’m not real sure about the fucker part. He seems more like the Jerry Falwell Jr. in the corner while mother has sex with the pool boy type. My goodness but I sound like a dime store novel.
Unrelated but related, I need to remind you that Evangelicals got behind Trump in large numbers when Jerry Falwell Jr. told them that Trump was their guy. Is anyone now asking Evangelicals why Jerry Falwell Jr. was the guy they were listening to in the first place?
But I digress…
I need to stop here and explain something. I have always had a “sailor’s mouth” as my mother used to say. I haven’t shied away from words like shit, damn and asshole. I rarely used the term bitch until I met Sarah Palin, but the term just seemed to fit her so well. The problem is, once you let that cat out of the bag, a whole lot of other cats start hanging around. Cats like twit, mother fucker and even (dare I say it) the c-word. Cocaine.
How in the world did I get this low? How in the world did Jr. get that high?
I’m supposed to go high when they go low. And speaking of high, did anyone else catch Don Jr.’s speech? I mean this isn’t my world. I am really out of my lane here, but was that cocaine? It was cocaine, right? Or did that Kimberly girl just bitch slap the hell out of him? Oh shit, I used the word bitch again. Damn it. I blame the Trumps. They did this to me. They ruin everything. Of course, that doesn’t explain why I called Sarah Palin a bitch so many years ago. That was long before Trump. It must be the GOP then. The GOP ruins everything.
In truth, I might be on to something here. The GOP gave us Sarah and Donald. Son of a bitch! That’s it!
No wait. That’s an even worse expression. I’m just arbitrarily calling some mother a bitch. Unless of course that mother is Karen Pence! Oh, dear Lord. I’m really digging myself into a hole. I really don’t enjoy becoming this person. I’m normally a very happy, go lucky, you-be-you kind of gal. But in the last four years…
The last four years.
Isn’t that how it usually works, though? It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s usually a slow slide. You use bitch once and then you use it again and eventually it slides off the tongue like melted butter.
Take Trump for example. He lies. He lies a lot actually. And in the beginning, we were all taken aback by it. It was almost comical until it wasn’t. I’ll release my taxes but then I won’t. I admitted to sexually assaulting women and then I was really just joking. I told my wife I do until I didn’t. He lies. And then he lies about his lies. And then he lies so much we begin to normalize it because… That is just Trump being Trump. At least you always know what is on his mind. He’s not afraid to say what he is thinking. And before you know it, you’re drinking bleach, sticking a lightbulb up your ass, eating aquarium cleaners, not wearing a mask and just like that – 180,000 Americans are dead.
Or here is another one. You start by preventing people of color from living in buildings you own. You falsely accuse five young black boys of murder and call for their execution. You suggest that America’s first black President isn’t a legal citizen. You accuse Mexicans of being rapists and drug dealers. You call black neighborhoods hell on earth. You suggest Nazis are very fine people even when they drive a car over someone. You give a national platform to two accused felons who pointed guns at peaceful protestors and let them tell white people to arm themselves because the blacks are coming for them. And just like that you have a white kid shooting people in the face because they are protesting police who are shooting black people in the back. Hate slips off Donald’s tongue like so much… so much melted butter.
In Trump’s America, a black man who might have a knife gets shot in the back seven times by police officers while a white teenager shooting people with a gun gets water and a thank you from police officers. So much butter in Trump’s big, fat America.
Trump, my friends, is a bitch of a twat mother fucker. And I have no intentions of apologizing for using those words to describe him. It was a slippery slope to get there, but no other words fit quite so well. I thought about calling him the c-word. The c – word is a word that once referred to something beautiful. The Hindu Goddess Kunti, or great “Yoni of the Universe,” represented the beauty and power of the female body. It then was wrongfully changed to suggest something ugly because celebrating female sexuality was considered evil. It was beautiful and then someone decided to make it ugly. Trump takes everything that is beautiful and makes it ugly. He also seems to hate females. So, to me that word fits him. But as I type all these nasty words, I wonder if maybe I am digging myself into a hole. And is it a hole I want to dig for myself because in Trump’s America, I feel like I reached bottom a long time ago.
I like words. And I like President’s who knows more than four or five words. I don’t like Trump.
But speaking of digging a hole. Did you catch Nikki Haley’s speech? Now there is a woman who needs to stop digging. Nikki Haley has officially reached bottom too. Did she really go on national TV to make the case that America isn’t racist and then go on to make her case by describing how when she was Governor of South Carolina she had to remove a certain divisive symbol from the state’s Capitol after a white supremacist murdered several black people while they were praying in their church? I mean did I really hear her right? Damn it. This not calling people a bitch thing is really, really getting hard.
Ok. Let me start over here. Kimberly Gerfoul.. Gerulfile… Kimberly Goofball… you know.. that bitch dating Don Jr…
Well shit.
At this time, I would like to apologize to Margaret’s and my readers for my inability to discuss the Republican Party without using the terms bitch, fuckers, asshat, and the c-word. You all deserve better. And as a woman I should strive to be better. And I will try to be better. In fact, I will try to be best. And speaking of Melania. That bitch ruined Jackie’s rose garden. She took away all the color and most of the trees so she could get some better camera angles for her speech… oh shit. See what I did there? I got going on a rant and almost didn’t catch myself calling yet another female member of the GOP a bitch.
Ok deep breath. 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1
Now exhale.
Ok. I can do this. I can. I will. From this point forward, I commit to treating all women with more respect. Throwing out the term bitch every time I get mad at someone is lazy. It’s ignorant. It’s anti-woman. And I need to stop it because it is also misleading.
They aren’t bitches. They aren’t assholes or asshats. They aren’t mother fuckers. They aren’t even the c-word.
The are liars. Plain and simple. And you don’t respond to liars by calling them names. You respond to liars by telling the truth.
I respect just how artfully Melania planned that rose garden massacre. About the same time that Trump realized his convention would have to be virtual, Melanie (oops – Melania) decided that the Rose Garden needed a remodel. In the middle of a pandemic and an economic disaster, the rose garden just had to have a makeover. Afterall, to get enough cameras and lighting for her Rose Garden Convention Speech, she would need to remove some trees and add some cement. She is clever that one. I’ll give her that. She might be the most clever of all the Trumps. I bet for awhile there, she was taking butter to bed with her almost every night. I also bet that of all the words that begin with C, you didn’t think I would use clever to describe Melania.
Kimberly Gerfo… Guhig… Guffoffly isn’t as clever. And she is not a bitch. I mean she is, but you won’t hear that from me… anymore. She is loud. I will give her that. VERY LOUD. And she dates a man who seems to snort lots of cocaine and quite literally lures endangered animals out of hiding so he can murder them. She left Fox News due to accusations of sexual misconduct and abusive behavior. Granted she denies that, but anyone who saw her screaming at America the other night probably would concur that she’s not an ideal co-worker.
But enough about Kimberly. She is so not interested in the truth that she doesn’t even realize her mother isn’t an immigrant. Kimberly, they had an acutal immigrant on later in the show. You didn’t have to lie. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LEADERS AND FIGHTERS FOR FREEDOM AND LIBERTY, KIM’S PUERTO RICAN MOTHER IS ACTUALLY A US CITIZEN! It was inevitable that Kim would find the Trumps – another family that seems to get confused about Puerto Ricans. I’m just shocked she had a brief layover with Gavin Newsome on her way to hell. But I guess that might say more about Gavin than it does about Kimberly.
Nikki Haley really isn’t a bitch either. She is a liar, sure. And a hypocrite, absolutely. She admitted that Donald Trump was “everything we hear and teach our children not to do in Kindergarten” . She then went to work for him and now supports his reelection. The woman who couldn’t even last two full years working for Trump wants us to sign up for eight years. What exactly is she teaching her children now? By the way, Nikki, the word you forgot to use in your speech was Confederate. It was a Confederate flag you were talking about. And all those black lives that you said mattered? You forgot a few. You forgot Emmett, Eric, Dante, Treyvon, Breonna, George… You forgot to mention those black lives and so many others. Did they matter, Nikki? Did they? Because they were all somebody’s baby.
Racism in America is real Nikki. They’ll be asking for your birth certificate in four years. Mark my words.
And speaking of birth certificates…
In retrospect, Melania Trump is not a bitch either. She really doesn’t care anyway. She does not care about a lot of things. She says she does, but she doesn’t. She told us she was taking on internet bullies and well that didn’t go very well. She is still married to the king of internet trash. She went to visit children in cages quite literally wearing a jacket that said, “I really don’t care. Do you?”. She says it had nothing to do with the visit, but that really isn’t the point. The point is that the First Lady doesn’t care. The woman has never apologized for suggesting that Obama’s birth certificate wasn’t real. Mr. and Mrs. Birther. God, they are awful.
And now at the convention Melania claimed that Donald Trump is honest. Seriously? The man is on record lying to the American people thousands of times. He cheated on all three of his wives including Melania, whom he cheated on with a porn star shortly after Melania gave birth to Barron. Bless her heart, but the third wife (third!) actually told Americans that Donald would never give up on you. I mean if irony was going to die, how better fitting than to die in a rose garden that Melania renovated to look like a cemetery?
(Side note: I don’t have an issue with porn stars. I hear Stormy is a pretty good one. In truth, Melania got her start as one – sort of. I really don’t know the difference between a soft porn star and a hard porn star. Well, unless they are male. But I am getting off track. I just thought I should point out that in the Trump family you can go from porn to the White House in less than one lifetime… that’s impressive regardless of your political affiliation. OK. This was really just an opportunity for me to point out that Tim Scott’s family going from Cotton to Congress in one lifetime is indeed remarkable. But it’s even more remarkable that he doesn’t see the irony in that statement. The irony that he isn’t just the first, but he is THE ONLY African American to be elected to both the United States House and Senate. Tim, why aren’t there more?)
If Donald Trump had been President in 1996, Melania would not even be an American citizen. And neither would her parents. Barron would probably be called a dreamer or an anchor baby. And while I appreciate that Melania’s heart [sic] goes out to the families who have lost loved ones to COVID-19, just what exactly has she done about it? What empathy has she or her husband ever shown to anyone? Let me remind you AGAIN that the woman wore an I DON’T CARE jacket to visit kids in cages and her husband said he had no responsibility when it came to the pandemic. I honestly must question the existence of a heart in either one of them.
And speaking of heartless…
Mike Pence is not a bitch either. He is a mother fucker by definition. Hey, come on now. I’m not willing to budge on that. I don’t call Karen, Mother. He does.
You don’t like the expression Mother Fucker? Ok. Fair enough. Let me just go back to calling him a homophobic, hypocritical, liar. That’s not name calling. That is just fact. If you are reading this and you are voting for Trump, then I am not going to waste my time explaining why each of those words is accurate. You have access to the internet. Use your head for something other than a hat rack and Google it.
Mike is asking us to make America great again… again. His words. Not mine. He wants us to make America great again, again. I am wondering if the second time around we can do it without praising Nazis, without botching the response to a pandemic, and with Biden as President rather than Trump. I would watch that sequel.
All week long we have been hearing that the only one who can save us from this mess is the guy who made the mess. I am actually writing this on Thursday afternoon, before Donald gives his speech. I don’t intend to watch. I don’t need to watch. He will lie a few times, call it the China virus, suggest that Biden wants to defund police, tell us that suburbs are about to become shithole countries, and then finish it off with a few more lies all while tightly squeezing his butt cheeks so Lindsey Graham, Marco Rubio, Susan Collins, Martha McSally and Mitch McConnell don’t fall out.
If you really believe that the protesting and the resulting violence in the streets right now can be blamed on Biden, then nothing anyone says or writes is going to save you from yourself. Trump is the President. He has been the President since 2017. He is the one dividing us. He is the one who called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers. He is the one who said Nazis were fine people. He is the one speaking ill of our allies while professing his love for Kim Jong-un. He is the one who ignored Russian bounties on American soldiers. He is the one suggesting that suburbs will be overrun by people of color if we don’t vote for him. He created this entire mess. He has been the President for four years. The buck stops with him. He wants us to believe that he created the greatest economy in history. Funny. Two weeks into quarantine tens of thousands of families were lining up at food banks. How come so many people were one paycheck away from poverty?
This election is a choice between decency and debauchery. It started five years ago when the GOP candidates debated the size of each other’s penis and then ultimately nominated the man who mocked a disabled person and bragged about sexually assaulting women. They melted the butter.
I don’t claim to be decent. I have a mouth like a sailor. But I am not running for President. I don’t represent the American people. I have not taken an oath of office to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. The world doesn’t turn to me for guidance and doesn’t hold me up as an example.
When it comes to telling stories, I choose naughty words because they make me laugh. But when it comes to choosing a President, I choose honesty. I choose decency. I choose Biden.
To quote Kimberly Guilfoyle, THE BEST IS YET TO COME! They are coming in January and their names are Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. I mean it. Really.
NOTE FROM MARGARET: Helen, did you know they went and remade One Day at a Time? Not sure it was necessary but that Rita Moreno sure is a hoot.
Text VOTE to 30330 and then make your plan to vote.
Margaret and Helen 
It’s long, I’m saving it to savior every single word.
LikeLiked by 2 people
By: Anonymous on September 20, 2020
at 1:36 PM
Please live forever!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: Marian M Troup on September 13, 2020
at 3:26 PM
Ahem! I think everyone has heard that tRump has decided that enough of us are expendable to do the herd immunity thing. That’s the first thing I thought of when I heard that. A whopping number of us would have to die first in order to get “herd immunity”. Hell, that’s what happened to First Nation people when us Europeans popped up among them. Amazing numbers of them died from measles, chicken pox, mumps, scarlet fever and whatever than died from warfare. Some idiot recommended this to the Golden Gibbon. He couldn’t have thought this up all by himself. He’s cruel enough but not smart enough. There aren’t enough of us dying from his murderous mishandling of the epidemic here in this country now that he thinks we need more dead voters? This should even scare the daylights out of his “base”! Nah! They are going to insist that it is “fake news” and keep committing suicide by gathering in tight groups without masks.And then wonder why they are sick and even dying!
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By: Mageen in old virginny on September 1, 2020
at 7:44 AM
Seriously though, I am tired. We are tired. Exhausted. Of the insatiable need for attention by the man baby. Watching TV and Tweeting is not doing the work of a President. Democratic administrations have resuscitated the country’s economy after Republicans have wrecked the deficit/debt. 45 has been a bull in a china shop, and the repair will be great, but at least Joe Biden will have a plan and be able to organize a team for the benefit of all Americans, not just those that praise him. VOTE
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By: Beverly H Falls on August 31, 2020
at 6:35 PM
A friend pointed me towards your blog. I thanked her profusely. Love your wit and telling like it is. Thank you!
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By: Anonymous on August 31, 2020
at 4:09 PM
My friend just forwarded your post Get Off Our Lawn” which I found to be spot on. Love your spunk!
thanks for putting it out there; so many of us are thinking and feeling the same. You go Helen!
I liked your recap of the RNC, I did attempt to watch it but just couldn’t handle the constant spewing of untruths and blame.
Keep on telling it like it is!
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By: Pat on August 30, 2020
at 12:29 PM
Ah, Helen, you never disappoint! I would not have survived the last 4 years without stopping in to see what kind of pie is in the oven. Much love to you and Margaret, and may we all be rid of this pox soon.
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By: b on August 29, 2020
at 9:49 PM
I’m new to your blog but I have become an ardent fan. Thank you for saying everything I would want to say.
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By: Judy Wallace on August 29, 2020
at 6:36 PM
I really enjoy your posts but you tripped when you made a big deal about him being on his third (third!) wife.
There are those of us who have been married three times (or more) and it does not equal being a bad person. People have life experiences (and abusive childhoods) that don’t teach them how to make wise choices until they learn on their own.
Please give this some thought.
Thank you, Tori
>
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By: Wide Angle Mind on August 29, 2020
at 1:05 PM
That just goes to show you what happens when you don’t lance the boil in time. All that frustration comes out like a popped volcano erupted! Those of us who’ve been paying attention for the past 3 10/12 years have been suppressing our rage and outrage, wishing for someone in power to help us get rid of the menace. Each attempt at holding TrumPutin to account has been thwarted by the evil of the TrumPublicans who are mostly afraid they will not make enough money off the stock market so they might be forced to buy a smaller boat or maybe only 2 vacation homes, or that they will be yelled at by said TrumPutin. I’m afraid my language also has deteriorated but I mostly use it to yell at the television when I watch the news. Have finally learned to write it all on a postcard (had 250 printed with a picture I took of a flag after one of those flag humpers left it out all winter, “tattered and torn, with small hope of redemption”) and sent to whichever political person or post office that I felt most deserved my rage or in the case of the post office, needed the most encouragement.
Thank you Helen and Margaret for still being here with us. I know how hard it is to keep baking pies when all you want to do is throw them at some of the smirking faces of the idiots who take great joy in poking old ladies (and young ladies and children and all the people who like them and who really want to protect their families and friends.) “Triggering,” indeed. hrrumph!
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By: HRHSofyaEQ on August 29, 2020
at 11:47 AM
My first time………..loved it. 🙂
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By: Lee on August 29, 2020
at 10:17 AM
Omg, best summary EVER of the RNC Convention. In fact, nothing further needs to be said on the subject now! Can we please remove it from our memory banks now, pleeeeze? Thanks so much Helen, I feel somewhat better now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: Wendy Fortunato on August 29, 2020
at 7:52 AM
[…] Helen listens to the GOP convention and writes to her friend. Taking in the rhetoric can lead to unnatural acts involving bleach, light bulbs, and language. Yikes. […]
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By: Unconventional Convention, No There There, Guilfoyle Screech, Blown Speech – FairAndUNbalanced.com on August 29, 2020
at 2:45 AM
Loved every word ❤️Brilliant‼️
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By: Gloria on August 28, 2020
at 11:08 PM
This is funny. I can relate…
>
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By: Heather Drugan on August 28, 2020
at 9:23 PM
This was sheer vocabulary eloquence and dare I say SPOT ON! There I said it!!!! Thank you and keep spewing those beautiful dirty words! They served their purpose, through your pen , very well!!!!
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By: Anonymous on August 28, 2020
at 8:17 PM
Bitch confusion: When Trump said, “I moved on her like a bitch,” who or what is a bitch in this context?
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By: Debbie on August 28, 2020
at 4:55 PM
Brilliant. Your best blog yet. Thank you. We needed this!
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By: Anonymous on August 28, 2020
at 4:41 PM
I just found out about you. I have a new role model. #lifegoals
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By: Kristen on August 28, 2020
at 4:41 PM
I loved this! By the way, as someone who has lived both in the U.K. and elsewhere in the “colonial” world and who watches mostly British television, I wanted to let you know that, in my understanding, “twit”–which apparently originated with the word “taunt”–doesn’t tend to be used towards women in particular. In fact, I think it’s more often used towards men. Are you sure you’re not confusing it with “twat” (meaning vulva)? Definitely an pejorative term towards women.
Looking forward to hearing more from you, Helen! You go, girl!
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By: Anonymous on August 28, 2020
at 4:32 PM
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! You have made my day. I don’t think that anyone, anywhere could sum it up better than you did! Bless you! 🙂
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By: Karyl Howard on August 28, 2020
at 2:44 PM
I prefer calling him asswipe! Feel free to use it too.
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By: Carmel Williams on August 28, 2020
at 2:03 PM
I think this is the longest commentary you have written and it is 100% correct! I can’t believe the number of people who believe the crap that spews from trump and company! We all need to vote like our lives depend on it. A trump America is the worst since the Great Depression. The hatred and division is all his fault. Biden/Harris 2020!
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By: Julysthebest on August 28, 2020
at 12:43 PM
100% agree!
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By: Julysthebest on August 28, 2020
at 12:35 PM
I love these cantankerous women. Thank you for this latest column.
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By: Alan Muir on August 28, 2020
at 12:32 PM
My friend just sent me this and I am still laughing and wiping tears from my eyes. You are the funniest writer since…well forever! Thank you for listing all the assholey things that asshat Trump has done so far. God only knows what’s next. I learned a long time ago to never ask, “What now?” because sure as hell, I will find out. And he still has a few months to wreak more havoc. I’m so glad my friend shared this with me. Keep up the good work!
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By: Judi Snyder on August 28, 2020
at 12:26 PM
Perfectly said!!! New curse words here are trump and pence (mitchell and graham also). Like “trump me” when you mis-speak or “I have to pence” when you have to ask permission for something. Oh, let this nightmare end.
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By: AllAboutTheButtons on August 28, 2020
at 12:15 PM
this has got to be the BEST blog you have ever written. Is there a way to get this over to FOX? Maybe coming from one of their demographics, they might, just MIGHT, pay attention. I also learned the origin of the C-word. I admit, I use that rarely to describe a woman who is not a person who represents the female population. My bad. I love the “motherfucker” part regarding Mike Pants..Love you and your thoughts. Mike
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By: Michael Picardi (@PicardiMichael) on August 28, 2020
at 11:47 AM
I’m a 66 year old woman in Spokane and I wish you were my neighbor. You’re awesome.
Vicki Moore
On Thu, Aug 27, 2020 at 7:23 PM Margaret and Helen wrote:
> > > > > > > Helen Philpot posted: “(NOTE FROM HELEN – I use a lot of dirty words in > this story. A lot even for me. And dirty even for me. If you suffer > through the nasty language, I think you might enjoy the intended message. > If not, I’m sorry. Get over it.) > > Margaret, I know you didn” > > > >
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By: Vicki Moore on August 28, 2020
at 11:42 AM
Dear Helen, Thank You ! How wonderful to have another Senior Citizen use ALL the WORDS I have been screaming at my TV for 4 years!!! As hard as it was losing my husband, I am glad he never lived to see this crap! Then again this sweet, calm man would have thrown something at the TV and broken it…so maybe I wouldn’t have been screaming every curse for 4 yrs. I must say your comment about 45 clenching his butt cheeks made me laugh a lot! I have been sending rubio letters for yrs now. Unfortunately I’m in Fl. What a place for a Democrat! to bad that hurricane didn’t climb up mar a lago or whatever stupid name he calls it. That whole area is swimming with sharks, um I mean trumpers. I really miss having a normal human tell it like it is, Thank You!! I mean it, I really do!
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By: Debbie Coulsey on August 28, 2020
at 11:28 AM
Just found out about your blog I love it and laughed. Will pass it along to friend. Can’t wait for others. Am going to reac some of the others.
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By: Annie Trauernicht on August 28, 2020
at 10:59 AM
This is the best column ever! I haven’t laughed like this since 2016. Thank you.❤️
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By: Cathy on August 28, 2020
at 10:53 AM
Bless you for saying what we are all thinking! I laughed so hard last night reading this before I went to bed that it was 2 hours before sleep came. At 87 I never expected a debacle like these past years have brought! Ireally do not understand the mind-set of those who vote for him! Idid not realize there were that many brain-injured folks out there!:)
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By: JO on August 28, 2020
at 10:45 AM
First time reader here. Fabulous! I actually love the language. Thank you for being funny, insightful and right on!
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By: Penny Reid on August 28, 2020
at 10:36 AM
I couldn’t agree more. Thank you, from a woman who swears like a stevedore — because sometimes those are the only words that fit.
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By: Sharon E. Cathcart on August 28, 2020
at 10:29 AM
I’ve worried about your absence but you are always well worth the wait. This is an EPIC post. If you should ever run out of cuss words let me know. Where I was raised good cussing is considered one of the womanly arts.
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By: Raemie on August 28, 2020
at 10:14 AM
You should run for President! I would vote for you! You are fucking awesome!
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By: Sarah on August 28, 2020
at 10:14 AM
I’m exhausted and laughing and crying my way to voting! I NEEDED to hear ALL that nasty shit again, about ALL those shit bags (my personal favorite term). Thank you!! I’ve missed hearing from you amazing women!
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By: Pat Flood on August 28, 2020
at 10:14 AM
I’m exhausted and laughing and crying my way to voting! I NEEDED to hear ALL that nasty shit again, about ALL those shit bags (my personal favorite term). Thank you!! I’ve missed hearing from you amazing women!
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By: Pat Flood on August 28, 2020
at 10:14 AM
LMFAO!! and yes, that stands for laughing my fucking ass off. As another old crone who is sick and tired of all the crap spewing from the entire GOP, which now is stuffed up the Evil One’s giant ass, I am grateful to be able to laugh. Thank you so very much, Helen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: Karin Helmich on August 28, 2020
at 10:08 AM
Dear Helen, Thank you for speaking for all of us – I thought about sharing this on FB but these days one could get arrested for that. I’m a wimp. The most frightening thing about it all is that we may live in a country full of such stupid people that these asshats could get in for 4 more years. And then we’re cooked. You always make me laugh, you always make me feel that there are others outthere who think as I do, you always give me hope. Well almost always, I’m slipping now. Keep it us Helen and Thank You.
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By: Tina Geschwind on August 28, 2020
at 9:59 AM
Wonderful! I like it when people tell it like to is!
>
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By: Robert Winter on August 28, 2020
at 9:53 AM
Oh, Helen…I love you and I love your potty mouth. Thank you for being you! You always say exactly what I’m feeling.
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By: Lisa Hall on August 28, 2020
at 9:45 AM
Oh, Helen, you made my day! This one was worth the wait (I asked awhile ago when your next blog would be coming). You have said everything I feel and believe (I understand the dirty words. I, too, as a 70-year-old woman never use most of them, but sometimes they are needed). Tell Margaret I didn’t watch the RNC either. I knew you would summarize it for me) I really, really would love to have coffee with you two! Hugs to you both.
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By: Nicci Clark on August 28, 2020
at 9:39 AM
Love it! Where have you been lately? Missed your emails.
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By: Victor Valla on August 28, 2020
at 9:35 AM
Please do not send me these anymore. I just am not consuming this kind of stuff. Love you, Scott
>
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By: scottfoval on August 28, 2020
at 9:31 AM
Thank you so much, Helen. I don’t like what the last four years have done to me, either, and I love the way you put that into words?
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By: CBB on August 28, 2020
at 9:28 AM
Thanks Helen! You have been missed. Well, I agree with you on everything you wrote even the foul language. Sometimes, it is necessary to resort to extremes to make a point. The French would say “en avoir ras le bol” meaning enough is enough.
I read that just like it did four years ago, this regime has a lot hidden supporters and the likelihood that this most awful man could win again is not negligible. That really says a lot about us that he still has supporters out there. It is about our pocketbooks, the stock market, and nothing else. That people would ignore his response to the pandemic that made it drag on and on, and keeps dragging on, that people are starving while the stock market is reaching close to all time highs, says a lot about our priorities. Like Joe Biden stated in his address last week, it is about the soul of this nation. We need to get it back.
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By: Easier on August 28, 2020
at 9:23 AM
Helen, I love you and Margaret to pieces! God bless you for telling the truth and in no uncertain terms.
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By: Cynthia J. Gergel on August 28, 2020
at 9:22 AM
Whew!!
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By: Anonymous on August 28, 2020
at 8:53 AM
Thank you, Helen. We need your voice in this wilderness. I am a 60-year-old fellow foul-mouthed Crone who can’t wait for this national nightmare to end. Let us all work together to make sure that happens before the country is a smoldering pile of ruins.
LikeLiked by 2 people
By: Kathy Hinlicky on August 28, 2020
at 8:46 AM
Just found your blog linked from Democratic Underground. Thank you so much. When you live in Trump’s America you need all the laughs you can get, and you delivered a presidential term’s worth. Forwarding to my wife and friends….
LikeLiked by 2 people
By: Matt on August 28, 2020
at 8:42 AM
I use “motherfuckingmotherfucker” so often lately that my autofill types it for me.
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By: G.A. Bloom on August 28, 2020
at 8:35 AM
Helen, THANK YOU! (I am shouting that to make sure I am heard over the noise from that Guilberrfooly twit.) The word you want is “wanker”. A twit is someone silly — Kelly McNinny in the WH press office comes to mind. But whatever — you are an inspiration to us all, especially me. At age 83, I have to run hard to keep up with the present insanity, but I try. And yes, I still vote!
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: Patricia Bragdon on August 28, 2020
at 8:10 AM
I love you. That is all.
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By: Joan Máire on August 28, 2020
at 8:08 AM
Your letters make me laugh. Thanks for watching the rnc. I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I watched some Crime show where the bad guys get caught and go to jail. A fantasy in other words. Keep writing! You are a national treasure. Love from New York. Stay safe.
Love
Martha
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: Martha Bilski on August 28, 2020
at 8:05 AM
You are a potty mouthed TREASURE!! I was riveted to this article. I hate all of these motherfuckers with an unbridled waste of energy. You are a breath of fresh air. Thank you for speaking the truth.
LikeLiked by 2 people
By: Patricia Spitzler on August 28, 2020
at 7:54 AM
Thank you Helen for writing what we all are feeling.
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By: Richard Schmidt on August 28, 2020
at 7:39 AM
Thank you.
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By: SilkPurseProductions on August 28, 2020
at 7:39 AM
I had the great pleasure of hanging up on Donald Trump last night. OK, it was just a robocall, but it still felt good.
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: Tricia on August 28, 2020
at 7:35 AM
Helen….you knocked it out of the ball park with this one. I haven’t heard so many good words since Tuesday when I discovered a friend left a cell phone in my car and had taken the train west. Talk about vocabulary. I have one too! Loved it! Keep them coming!
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By: Dorothy Reil on August 28, 2020
at 7:27 AM
Thank you, thank you! You absolutely nailed it. I feel like we’re been living in an alternate universe.
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By: tilda2 on August 28, 2020
at 7:14 AM
Thanks Helen, You expressed my thoughts much better than I could. I am usually left speechless after listening to any of these asshats in the current administration. Liars all.
Here in Maine our former US Senator and Secretary of State under President Clinton, Republican William Clinton has endorsed Joe Biden and states that he does not think our country can survive another four years of Trump. I must agree and we all must do what ever in takes to make sure Joe Biden is elected President and we send Captain Bone Spurs packing.
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By: Annie in Maine on August 28, 2020
at 7:09 AM
Thank you for this cause I really, really needed a good laugh! This granny just turned 74 and have recently discovered that sometimes the supply of appropriate swear words is insufficient to meet my demands! Carry on!!
LikeLiked by 2 people
By: Anonymous on August 28, 2020
at 7:08 AM
Brava!
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By: Terri in NY on August 28, 2020
at 7:00 AM
Oh I am so glad you’re back! Thank you, and keep on with the comments! You are a treasure. Blessings, Noel Bailey
On Thu, Aug 27, 2020, 10:25 PM Margaret and Helen wrote:
> Helen Philpot posted: “(NOTE FROM HELEN – I use a lot of dirty words in > this story. A lot even for me. And dirty even for me. If you suffer > through the nasty language, I think you might enjoy the intended message. > If not, I’m sorry. Get over it.) Margaret, I know you didn” >
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By: Noel Bailey on August 28, 2020
at 6:58 AM
Now that I have officially crossed the threshold and am an ‘old’, I will be modeling myself on Helen. I may not achieve her eloquence, but I now have a goal! Thank you.
Time to make Good Trouble!
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By: That Greyhaired B—— on August 28, 2020
at 6:38 AM
Thank you! I was looking for this post, because surely I couldn’t be the only one cursing at the television! I had to apologize to my hubby a few times. Praying with a plan for a better outcome in November.
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: CAROL C on August 28, 2020
at 6:23 AM
Reblogged this on A Small Blog and commented:
I’m not sure, but I may have found my kindred spirit of telling it like it is. She writes feelings I only say in my head.
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By: Laura Carter on August 28, 2020
at 6:22 AM
I’ve been reading Margaret and Helen’s blog for some years now. Helen doesn’t mince words. Love it.
Amelia
Sent from my iPhone
>
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By: AMELIA HAGEN on August 28, 2020
at 6:21 AM
You know, when she said that it sounded right. Thank you for the clarification and I will add twit to my repertoire.
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By: Emilie on August 28, 2020
at 6:10 AM
Following you on WordPress and Twitter was one of the best decision I made this decade. Thank you for another great essay.
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By: Bill on August 28, 2020
at 5:08 AM
Thank you from a 4 year resident in SC retiree. What the F’ was I thinking? Scott, Lady G, and Hailey, and don’t get me started on our #governorofdeath, look him up he’s a whole other small dick. Love, love, love your writing. From one dirty mouth ole lady to another trying to turn S.C. blue!
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: pjvfree on August 28, 2020
at 4:00 AM
I REALLY enjoyed this!
Sent from my iPad
>
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By: mortenson.p@gmail.com on August 28, 2020
at 3:36 AM
Thank you Helen. Yes I laughed, because your letters are hysterical, but I also sat here, in the UK, thanking my lucky stars that there are folk your side of the pond that can see through the idiot Trump. I have never understood how someone so stupid could have been voted in in the first place.
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By: Pauline on August 28, 2020
at 1:57 AM
I just love your letters to Margaret! I agree with your every word ! ❤️❤️❤️
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By: Margaret on August 28, 2020
at 1:32 AM
Oh how I needed this laugh. Thank you!
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By: dmcrane1 on August 28, 2020
at 1:03 AM
Oh how I needed a laugh. Thank you!
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By: dmcrane1 on August 28, 2020
at 1:00 AM
At least you spelled twit with an i, not an a. I had noticed long ago that many insulting terms for men mostly reflected on their mothers, such as SOB, bastard… I do like the previous commenter’s “son of a short dick”!
You should take a look at the Tiny Pricks Project. It is recording DJT’s words in embroidery, so that they don’t just fade away. Some very good works there.
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By: Rebecca on August 28, 2020
at 12:59 AM
Helen, that was priceless. And yes, that family deserves every swear word thrown at them, and then some. The Scots and Shakespeare have some dillies. I am always delighted to find a letter to Margaret in my inbox.
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By: Alison Streight on August 28, 2020
at 12:11 AM
Love you ladies. Thanks for keeping it real. #BidenHarris2020
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By: Valerie Grunsted on August 27, 2020
at 11:48 PM
Amen, sistahs! In a country that is seriously awash in “b”s — thank you for your inimitable way with words. And your unerring aim at the truth. You’d be killer at darts!
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: bethnegrey on August 27, 2020
at 11:47 PM
I love this woman. The butt squeeze thing oh my dog. Is there curse words that actually express my feelings? Not really. The closest I can get is feces.
>
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By: Susan on August 27, 2020
at 11:40 PM
I love you. Marry me. Your blogs keep me sane. Keep it up.
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By: Gwen Gere on August 27, 2020
at 11:21 PM
I love this blog! Thank you Helen and Margaret for inviting us all to join the conversation.
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By: ottomomma on August 27, 2020
at 10:56 PM
Thank You for your words! They are mine and you voiced them with Facts and intelligence . And used you Sailor tongue when – when you NEEDED to. I felt that!
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By: Victoria on August 27, 2020
at 10:55 PM
Yes. All of what you said!!
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By: Becky on August 27, 2020
at 10:47 PM
I could not have said it better! Thank you for saying it.
Peace.
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By: Cynthia on August 27, 2020
at 10:43 PM
You’ve been missed. As usual, you nailed it. I’m going to sit over here and applaud, because, honestly, there is nothing I can add except THANK YOU and send you a long-overdue hug.
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By: Janet on August 27, 2020
at 10:30 PM
Thank you!
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By: Pieter (@Pieter64206700) on August 27, 2020
at 10:27 PM
Boys are called ‘Son of a Short Dick.’ They find it upsetting. Or Father F*cker. I never realized how many nasty words are used against women, but there are so I tried to even the playing field a bit and I like my 2 new phrases. However, it’s sad that the meanest word you can call a male is ‘Girl.’ I give you credit for watching the rnc…I couldn’t. No way.
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: PKF on August 27, 2020
at 10:14 PM
Quite possibly my favorite motherfucking post yet.Thanks, bitches
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By: Cathy Mcdowell on August 27, 2020
at 10:14 PM
Helen…another EXCELlENT post. The only thing you missed was the Castro look of Melania’s outfit / aka military looking suit for her “speech” Melania speaks with her clothes. What was that about? Look closely at the shoulders. Epaulets and all.
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By: Anonymous on August 27, 2020
at 10:11 PM
Awesome
Sent from my iPhone
>
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By: Andrew McKinnon on August 27, 2020
at 10:06 PM
Thank you Helen! You’ve covered everything. And yes, that Rita is a hoot, Margaret!
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By: David on August 27, 2020
at 10:05 PM
I really needed this right now. Thank you!
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By: jww1959 on August 27, 2020
at 10:05 PM
OMG this is your best ever! I laughed and laughed. Always miss the long length of time between posts, but this one was worth it!
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By: maryplumbago on August 27, 2020
at 10:04 PM
Oh, I’ve missed you Helen!! Thank you. I completely f*cking agree.
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By: Terry on August 27, 2020
at 10:00 PM
Dear Helen,
A twit is a silly and/or annoying person ( see “nitwit”).
“Twat” is the derogatory word you were looking for
Sent from my iPhone
>
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By: LRStrand on August 27, 2020
at 9:51 PM
Thanks. Enjoyed.
Donna Dunning 206-579-3737 (cell) 206-524-9963 (home) Donna@effectiveleader.com
>
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By: donnadunning on August 27, 2020
at 9:50 PM
Frequently these days I am at a loss for words, but thankfully you were not!! Thank-you!
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By: Ellen on August 27, 2020
at 9:50 PM
Bless you, Helen! Could not have said any of it better! Brava!
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By: Mark Williams on August 27, 2020
at 9:45 PM
You are hysterical..love it & thank you..my feelings exactly. I’m 72 & live in Lyle, Washington.
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By: Patrice Archuleta on August 27, 2020
at 9:42 PM
Love you Helen! Thank you for making us laugh!! (when we feel like crying) 😂💕😂
On Thu, Aug 27, 2020 at 9:21 PM Margaret and Helen wrote:
> Helen Philpot posted: “(NOTE FROM HELEN – I use a lot of dirty words in > this story. A lot even for me. And dirty even for me. If you suffer > through the nasty language, I think you might enjoy the intended message. > If not, I’m sorry. Get over it.) Margaret, I know you didn” >
LikeLiked by 1 person
By: vsteinberg72 on August 27, 2020
at 9:41 PM