I made the mistake of listening to Rush today. I tuned in just long enough to hear him complaining about Barney Frank wanting the names of the AIG executives who received bonuses. According to Rush, the government is getting out of control. Can you believe that bullshit? Just exactly where was Rush when the Bush administration was listening in on the private conversations of millions of Americans? I would imagine selective memory works well for Rush considering he selects to use his brain as sparingly as possible.
Margaret, I have been having that dream again – the one that involves about 14 million Republicans falling off a cliff… followed by 14 million Democrats. Lately it also involves a boiling vat of oil for some executives from AIG – but that story is for another day…
It may seem like an odd dream, but each night when I go to bed after watching the news I can’t help but think about how much we could get done if we didn’t have to deal with the extremes in both parties. Those of us remaining could probably get along quite well without the distractions from those on the far right in Limbaugh Land and those on the far left in Lah Lah Land.
If it were up to just those of us who are truly in the middle – the purple people as I like to call them – I am pretty sure we could form a more perfect union. Because when you think about it, all that is wrong with this country can probably be solved with a little common sense.
On that note, Margaret and I have come up with a few concepts we think most everyone could get behind if that fat ass Rush wasn’t blocking the view:
HELEN: We want the best healthcare system in the world, but we don’t want it to be the most expensive.
MARGARET: When we say healthcare we mean Vision Care too. Howard says if I turn the coffee maker on one more time without the pot in place he is going to trade me in.
HELEN: We want everyone to have access to healthcare when they need it, but we don’t expect everyone to live forever. Eventually you get old and die.
MARGARET: And die we will. I just hope I’m not at the grocery store when my time comes. That would be just embarrassing.
HELEN: No child should go to bed hungry and no parent with a sick child should have to worry about not having health insurance.
MARGARET: And no child should ever play with plastic wrap. It is not a toy.
HELEN: The elderly should never have to choose between buying food and paying for medicine.
MARGARET: Don’t take your prescriptions on an empty stomach unless the bottle tells you otherwise.
HELEN: Euthanasia. If it’s good enough for a dog, then it’s good enough for me. Certainly it’s good enough for Mr. Limbaugh.
MARGARET: Dogs are people too.
HELEN: The tax on cigarettes should be about $10… per cigarette.
MARGARET: I think smokers should have to smoke the entire cigarette…or eat their butts.
HELEN: Larry King really should go back to radio.
MARGARET: Larry King really should be dead by now.
HELEN: Religion has no place in politics and politics has no place in the bedroom.
MARGARET: But a bedroom full of religious politicians is an Ass Hat Convention waiting to happen!
HELEN: Honestly, why is your neighbor’s bedroom any of your business?
MARGARET: Make your bed every day.
HELEN: When I call an American company and ask to speak to the help desk, that desk should be in America damn it.
MARGARET: When I call my neighbor Bernice even though her name is Lucille, she shouldn’t get all upset about it. I’m old. It happens.
HELEN: We should support the troops before, during and especially after the war, but war really should be the last resort and our military really should be a reflection of the general population rather than an extension of the poorest among us.
MARGARET: Saying we support the troops and actually lifting the troops are two different things.
HELEN: If war is your answer, then you were obviously too stupid to answer the question.
MARGARET: Stay in school.
HELEN: I spanked my children. They do not spank their children. Eventually one of us is going to be proved right.
MARGARET: Watch your children… especially when visiting the home of someone without children.
HELEN: To all the young people out there. The only way to guarantee that you won’t get pregnant is not to have sex. But if you are going to have sex and don’t want to get pregnant, use protection. Honestly, it’s not that difficult to understand.
MARGARET: Wear a seat belt even if you are just going to the store. Most accidents happen within 5 miles of home.
HELEN: If you don’t believe in abortion, don’t have one.
MARGARET: Oh honey. Don’t go there. It brings the crazies out.
HELEN: If you want to save marriage pass a law banning divorce.
MARGARET: Marry the one you want and want the one you married. Or something like that.
HELEN: You can give me your educated opinion on when life begins after you have personally experienced when life ends.
MARGARET: That’s it. Here come the crazies.
HELEN: If a big footed bitch, a pitt bull in lipstick, and a fat moron with a microphone are your party leaders, the party is over.
MARGARET: When hosting a dinner party remember your alphabet: Fork then Knife then Spoon – F, K then S. Unless you have an oyster fork… then it gets tricky.
HELEN: At the intersection of all the major world religions, you will find the Golden Rule. It’s a place where you will never run into Limbaugh, Coulter or Palin. We all should have directions to that intersection.
MARGARET: I think that concludes this little episode.
Now Margaret and I both know that no one has all the answers and no one is ever right 100% of the time. In the case of Rush Limbaugh, we just wish he was right at least 10% of the time, but the years of abusing donuts and OxyContin seem to have fried his brains.
Surely some of you good people out there have your own common sense remedies for this mess. Why not share them for all of us to enjoy. But beware, Ditto Heads will be dealt with in short order. We mean it. Really.