This will be my first Thanksgiving without my gallbladder. And I just learned that we have one more special needs eater in the family. I’ll tell you what, this year I will meet you all halfway. I’ll make the same meal I make every year and those of you with vegitarian, vegan and gluten issues can stop eating halfway through the meal. Problem solved.
The other rules around the house will be a little lax this year as well. What can I say? I’m feeling generous.
1. I have new floors. If it’s raining outside, leave your shoes outside. If it’s not raining, leave your shoes outside. Molly, those spikes you call heels better not come near my floors. Leave them at home because if you leave them outside the kids might use them for lawn darts.
2. If you have children, then you are called a parent which means you should be parenting. Just because you don’t care what your house looks like, doesn’t mean I don’t care about mine. Keep an eye on your kids so I don’t have to keep an eye on my things.
3. Despite modern advances in the food industry, turkeys are only so big. We are a large family and because of modern advances in the food industry our asses are big as well. So this leaves us with the need to achieve a delicate balance between how much we CAN eat vs. how much we WILL eat to make sure there is enough for everyone. Please monitor your children (see rule 2) and make sure they take only what they will eat. And if you don’t get enough, don’t worry. There’s always pie.
4. I absolutely cook with bacon and bacon grease. I use lots of butter, cream, salt and even a little sugar. Thanks to the advances in modern medicine, you can bring your medical prescriptions with you and leave your dietary restrictions at home.
5. Upon arriving at my house look for the basket on the entry table. Deposit all cell phones in that basket. Upon departure, you can take the damn thing with you, but in the meantime maybe you can try having an actual relationship with your loved ones.
6. You needn’t bring anything, but if you insist on bringing a dish, then go ahead and bring it. If it’s good, we’ll make room on the buffet. If it’s jello salad, we’ll make room in the trash.
7. Speaking of trash, mine gets picked up on Wednesdays by a truck . Your children’s gets picked by you today. (see rule 2)
8. Unlike the Trump’s table, everyone is welcome at mine. Just let me know in advance if you are bringing guests so I can make sure we have enough food to go around.
9. The best photographs are the ones I am not in. Point your camera in a different direction. If you want photos of me, I have plenty to share that were taken in the 1950’s. Back then the camera was kinder to me.
10. If you want to talk politics come sit next to me. There’s a good chance I’ll either convince you to change your politics or change your desire to talk about politics. And if neither happens, I can always turn off my hearing aids.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am thankful to still be here. I mean it really.