Posted by: Helen Philpot | July 22, 2014

Jesus Loves the Legal Little Children

helen-mug1  FROM HELEN:

Margaret, our good Christian Governor down here in Texas, Rick Perry, said he would use his executive authority to activate up to 1,000 National Guard troops to help secure the Texas border region against “criminal aliens.”   Criminal Aliens being Spanish for children, I think.  My Spanish isn’t so good so you might want to look that up.   These are children who were not aborted so Texas just doesn’t have room for them… or compassion.  In Spanish I believe the word for compassion is… well I’m not sure what it is but I am sure that good Christian Perry knows.

Last year, Perry spoke to the Faith and Freedom Coalition about his own Christian faith and how God taught him to abandon his own selfish pride.

“Nothing less than the example of our savior inspires me as I speak to you today,” Perry said. He then read Philippians 2:5-8, in which Paul says that Christ set an example for his followers by humbling himself and became “obedient unto death, even death upon a cross.”

I always love it when a good Christian finds strength in the words of Jesus.   It gives me hope.    In this case, I think the teachings of Jesus are pretty clear…

New International Version
Jesus said, “Let the legal little children north of the border come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

New Living Translation
But Jesus said, “Let the non criminal alien children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children especially those good legal ones from Texas.”

English Standard Version
but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them unless they are illegal, for only to the legal ones belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

New American Standard Bible
But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.  But make sure they have their documentation.”

Yes.  Margaret.   It reminds me of my favorite hymn:

Jesus loves the legal children,
All the legal children of the world.
Red and yellow, black but mainly white,
All are precious in His sight,
Jesus loves the legal children of the world.

Amen.  I mean it.  Really.

margaret-mug1 FROM MARGARET:

Helen, dear.  I’m afraid I can’t help you.  I own a non-political bible and the only aliens we have to worry about up here are the French Canadians.  Does Governor Perry have issues with French Canadians?

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | July 11, 2014

Which comes first, the chicken or the vagina?

Margaret, I’m old and I’m tired.  I thought I was ready to hang my quill up for good and then Rick Perry had to open his mouth again and let a whole lot of stupid fall out.   When will that man realize that his brain is older and more tired than even mine?

Last month Perry compared being gay to being an alcoholic.  This from a man who is so light in his loafers that his feet haven’t touched the ground since he got a C in Animal Breeding at Texas A&M University.   Not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you — his being light in the loafers that is. His many C’s and D’s in college is a different story.  Indeed a C in Animal Breeding is something to be concerned about.

Now the man who wants to shrink the federal government just enough to fit inside my vagina is complaining that Obama isn’t doing enough to stop the flood of immigrant children coming across the border illegally.  Evidently the only children Rick cares about are the ones who haven’t been born yet.  Once they are here – screw ‘em!

Thank goodness the clock on Perry’s record time as Governor of Texas is running out.  Sadly, it means he will most likely run for President again.  If you think I am wrong, check out his new look.  Women don’t make passes at men who wear glasses to try and look smarter.  Give it up Rick.  We all remember the Oops.

Sadly for us, the man most likely to replace him in Texas is even more anxious to get in my knickers than Rick was.  Do a little research on Greg Abbott folks.  He is the real deal when it comes to crazy.  He is suing Obama over the border issues.  He hates those children too, I guess.   In fact, the only thing Greg Abbott seems to hate more than immigrant children is the ability for women to limit the number of unwanted children they bring into the world.  This Republican conundrum is troubling indeed – which comes first, the chicken or the vagina?

Margaret, dear, my work on this earth is not done.  Texas needs another  woman in the State Capitol.  I’m for Wendy.   I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 24, 2014

Uncle Sugar Needs To Meet Aunt Flo

helen-mug1 From Helen:

Margaret, as sure as the sun is going to come up tomorrow, some Republican peckerwood is going to say something stupid about a woman’s baby maker.  I’d say “uterus” but that just confuses them even more.  In this case, it’s Mike Huckabee attempting to redefine the war on women.  Of course, with a name like Huckabee, need I really say more?  (My sincere apology to any Huckabee’s out there who can walk without dragging their knuckles across the floor.)

Mike said:

“If the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control, because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it.”

Now, Michael, Dear…  Let’s talk a little about the reproductive system.  I’ll try to use simple terms so as not to talk over your tiny little head (the one on your shoulders and not in your pants).  I don’t know much about Uncle Sugar, but during a certain age that can be shorter for some and longer for others, we women get a monthly visit from Aunt Flo.  She’s fairly predictable that Flo, but sometimes she can throw you for a loop just for the hell of it.  It’s certainly far from foolproof, but if you are very careful you just might be able to time your “relations” around Flo’s visit and avoid a pregnancy.  Pay no mind to those large Catholic families.  They might just be bad at math or maybe they thought Aunt Flo was a heavy sleeper.  (Think about it.)

Now for some women, sex is something they would prefer to avoid.  Just look at Janet Huckabee with her three children.  But for most women – and most men – sex is something that happens more than just the third Thursday after the second Friday of odd-numbered days in months that end in R.  Like I told you, it can get a little tricky.  In fact, most women don’t equate having sex to getting pregnant at all.  Why?  Because we don’t have to.  Birth control gave women the freedom to be planned mothers (or not) rather than livestock existing simply to grow the herd.  Come to think of it, maybe Janet Huckabee didn’t tell Mike about everything that was in her medicine cabinet.

Most women use birth control for… well, birth control. But some women actually use it for other reasons like less painful periods, PMS relief and relief from endometriosis.  Yes, Mr. Huckabee – medical reasons beyond just limiting the number of unwanted pregnancies and children.   God forbid that birth control be covered by health insurance companies. What could be worse than that?  I don’t know… maybe a prescription drug commercial ending with the phrase “if an erection lasts longer than 4 hours seek medical attention”?  But that is what this is really all about.   It’s not about fighting for women’s rights.  It’s not even about fighting for the life of the unborn.  It’s about sex.  Specifically it’s about sex being ok for men but not women.  And honestly, Mr. Huckabee, that makes it even more difficult to understand why Republicans hate the gays. Hell if it were up to me, I would have insurance companies pay for condoms and early pregnancy test sticks too.  One would reduce the number of STDs and the other would save those Palins a lot of money.  Poor things up there in Alaska just waiting for Aunt Flo to fly in on a bomber from Russia…

Now if Mr. Huckabee would like to redefine the war on women, I’m all for it.  But let’s call it what it really is – the hunt for Red November Voters.  So I have a solution.   If you believe women should have the freedom to decide when and how often to bring children into the world, vote for your friendly Democrat – preferably a female.   If you would prefer that sex exists simply as a means to procreate, vote for Huckabee or any other old, white Republican.  

Now, if you actually believe that men will abide by that no-sex-rule, please don’t vote at all because the new computerized voting machines might be too difficult for you to understand. I mean it.  Really.

margaret-mug1 From Margaret:.

Aunt Flo?  Now I haven’t heard that one in many a year. Nowadays, the kids call it Shark Week. And if you ask me, that’s what has Mr. Huckabee so scared.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | December 31, 2013

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 470,000 times in 2013. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 20 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 26, 2013

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family 2013

Dear Family,

This war on Thanksgiving has gone too far.  Bacon, butter, sugar and cream are as important to Thanksgiving as the damn turkey.  Vegetarians, God help them, have always managed to graze through my table and find enough to satisfy them.  And if they stumbled upon a piece of bacon or two… well nobody has died in all the years I’ve put this meal on the table. But this latest request for a gluten-free meal has gone too far.   A gluten-free Thanksgiving is like a rainy day – gray and soggy.  I ain’t gonna do it, honey. Get mad, get glad or scratch your ass, it don’t make a difference to me.  My Thanksgiving meal will have some gluten in it just as sure as a pig’s ass is pork.  And we just might have some of that, too.

The holidays are not a time for dieting.  This family has tried more diets than I can shake a stick at and somehow we still manage to have more backside than most.  If you’re worried about how many calories are in my meal, I suggest you park your car a mile from the house and walk your fat ass the rest of the way.  It’s not what you’re eating sweetie.  It’s the fact that your sofa has become the new playground and your children spend more time on their electronic devices than your grandpa did on the pot.  Gluten free my ass.  Get out and get some fresh air and sunshine.

And now that we have that out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks.

1.)    Your children can have as much soda and cookies as they please.  This is grandma’s house for goodness sakes.

 2.)    Your cell phones at Thanksgiving are about as useful as a pocket on the back of your shirt.  If you actually have one of those, put your cellphone there because if I see it at the dinner table, you won’t see it again until Christmas.

 3.)    Mary is pregnant again.  Everyone bring an extra pie.  And somebody keep an eye on her other rugrats.  I swear, those kids could trip over a cordless phone.

 4.)    Iced tea without sugar is like Thanksgiving without gluten.  I think I’ve said enough on that subject.

 5.)    The stuffing has bacon.  It also has bacon grease and butter.  I dare you not to have seconds.

 6.)    Rhonda, honey, you’re wife number two.  WE can talk about number one but you can’t.  Just be thankful there’s not a number three.

 7.)    Brian and Sylvia, when I told you not to bring anything, I meant it.  If Cloe is not allowed to bring her Jell-O crap, you are not allowed to bring your fruit cake, your zucchini bread or your cleverly disguised broccoli in pasta salad.  I serve the same meal my mother did fifty years ago.  When I die, you can decide if you want to carry on the tradition. Until then, bring just yourself and an appetite.

 8.)    Gluten.  You probably don’t even know what it is.

 At my age, every meal could be my last.  I’m thankful we’ll be having this one together again.  Let’s make the most of it.  Turkey, stuffing, gravy, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, sweet corn, green beans, cranberry sauce, homemade bread, pumpkin pie, apple pie, pecan pie, more pie…   What’s not to like?  In memory of your Grandfather, the back yard has horseshoes and the back fridge has beer.  Drink until it is gone.  The damn stuff is probably ripe with gluten, but I prefer wine anyway.  One from each family needs to be the designated driver.  I mean it really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 24, 2013

Ted Cruz could start an argument in an empty house

helen-mug1 FROM HELEN:

Margaret is it just me or have the Republicans all gone bat shit crazy? First they are screaming bloody murder about Obamacare and then they complain because people are having trouble signing up for Obamacare. Do they want the thing more alive so they can enjoy killing it? Or are they just upset because Obama is still black? I suggest it’s the latter but I sure as hell know this – these days if a Republican politician’s lips are moving, he’s lying.

They close the government and then complain when government-funded national parks are closed. They whine about activist judges but then run to the Supreme Court when elections don’t go their way. They scream for freedom and then make it harder for people to vote. They complain about the liberal media but then spend all their time getting interviewed by Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. They take issue with Obama being born in Hawaii with a Kenyan for a father, but have absolutely no problems with Ted Cruz being born in Canada with a Cuban for a father. Now on that last one, I half agree. In truth, I have no issue with either birth certificate. But I never did fancy hypocrisy much. These days, the Republican platform is so crooked it could get lost behind a cork screw.

Honey, I get it. The web page for Obamacare is a piece of shit. So let’s fix it. But speaking of a piece of shit, how in the hell did Texas produce yet another political moron? I wonder if Ted Cruz knows that Texas leads the nation in uninsured Americans. Rick Perry sure as hell doesn’t. Texas also leads the nation in gun purchases… in carbon pollution… in repeat teen births… and in homeschooling. OK. Maybe that last one isn’t a big deal, but something tells me the last two are connected. Anyone think it’s a coincidence that Texas also has a Republican super-majority in its State Capitol?

If Ted Cruz is so committed to killing Obamacare, why is he so upset that the website isn’t up to snuff? You’d think he’d be celebrating. But then again Ted Cruz could start an argument in an empty house. I’m sorry, but I just don’t trust that man. He looks like something the dog’s been keeping under the porch.

The problem is that Republicans are so worried that if America does well with a Democrat in the White House, Americans won’t vote for a Republican in the next election. Funny how soon they forget who got elected after Clinton left the White House. Of course, I often try to forget that too. I mean it. Really.

margaret-mug1 FROM MARGARET

Helen it’s not you. It’s cable news. Stop watching it. Go on a cruise instead. Just not one named Ted.

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Margaret, the Republicans are trying to blame this shutdown on everyone but themselves. It’s the Senate Democrats fault for not negotiating. It’s President Obama’s fault for being black. It’s my fault for not voting for McCain and Palin. Well honey, somebody needs to tell them that dog just don’t hunt.

In 2008, a hell of a lot of people voted for the candidate who campaigned on overhauling healthcare – something the nation had been debating for decades. You young ones might remember back in the 90′s how the Republicans cut Clinton off at the knees over this. But I remember Truman’s efforts back in the 40′s and 50′s. Of course, back then the Republicans screamed Communism rather than Socialism. Although, I’m pretty sure no one asked for Truman’s birth certificate. He was white after all. But the point is that Republicans claiming we haven’t had a debate is… well… like I said, that dog just don’t hunt.

But even if your memory isn’t as long as mine, surely the 2012 elections ring a bell? We debated for months about Mitt Romney’s universal healthcare plan… No wait. I mean repealing Mitt Romney’s universal healthcare plan. No. That’s not right either. It was Romneycare or Obamacare and now that they lost the election it’s become We Don’t Care. And I’m pretty sure there was a Supreme Court decision in there somewhere. During all that, Democrats agreed to a drastically reduced federal budget and some initial delays and exemptions to the Affordable Care Act. And yet, Republicans have shut down the government because we Dems just won’t negotiate. Well that just dills my pickle! What we’ve got is a bunch of know-nothing Tea Party Idiots who think the sun comes up just to hear them crow.

Michele Bachmann and friends can pose in front of a war memorial all they want pretending their not the ones who closed it. Clearly, they take us for fools. Well as the wife of a WWII veteran, I’d like to introduce my rather large foot to their sorry asses. I can promise you my late husband is rolling over in his grave knowing that affordable healthcare for 40 million people has shut down the very government he fought to defend. And shame on me for making fun of the way someone looks, but just what the hell is going on with that woman’s hair? It looks like it caught fire and someone put it out with a brick.

The problem as I see it is that the Republicans have lots of excuses but no real ideas. Well excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they usually stink. And unless you’re a dog, sniffing around backsides gets old real quick. I mean it. Really.

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helen-mug1 From Helen

Margaret, the more Republicans I meet, the more I like my dog. Just once I would like to see a politician with an ass too small to fit his own head. It has been a rough few weeks sitting back trying to get my rest and stay out of politics, but honestly, there seems to be no end to this madness and I once again find myself not able to keep my mouth shut. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Let me count the new ways the Republicans found to wear their ass for a hat…

One. I heard a Congressman from Texas today say that Obamacare was forcing hard-working, middle class families to purchase health insurance they don’t need. Now there is a congressman who has definitely put his head in a place where the sun doesn’t shine. Show me someone who doesn’t need health insurance and I’ll show you the second coming of Jesus. And for the record, it’s called the Affordable Care Act because before it was passed, healthcare was no longer affordable for most Americans. Do these Tea Party asshats really take us for fools?

Two. We are a country that blindly followed Bush’s codpiece into “preventive” war not once but twice. Now a bunch of children get gassed to death by a dictator and we are suddenly too weary for war. Really? Republicans too weary for war. Sounds to me that they are too weary for a black commander-in-chief. Oh dear me. Did I say that out loud? God forbid someone suggest that Republicans are racists. He’s a Muslim from Kenya with a fake birth certificate…short version: he’s black.

Three. Not crazy enough for you? How about thinking the answer to gun violence is more guns? We’re up to what, about one mass shooting a month now? It sure seems like there are plenty of guns to go around. How about we try a different approach like asking ourselves why we need more guns than actual people in this country. Are there really that many deer to hunt? And something tells me if the British are coming again, it’s not with muskets. One thing is for sure: Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.

Four. Oh but for the love of God if Texas wasn’t dealing with enough crazy already with Rick Perry, we now have to deal with Ted Cruz. Now here’s a guy who talks in circles so effectively, it’s no wonder his head eventually ran into his ass. In an effort to show off his grasp of the situation, he had to go and bring Dr. Seuss into the mix. For the record Senator Cruz, the moral of Green Eggs and Ham is to try something new… you might like it. For example, 40 million people might actually like having access to healthcare. Cruz staged his ridiculous talk-a-thon against cutting off debate only to then turn around and join 99 other senators in voting to cut off the debate. He’s no Wendy Davis. That’s for sure. But exactly what should we expect from a man who said, “We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.” If brains were leather, Cruz wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.

I could go on, but must I really? Let me sum it up for you. Now that the government is closed, will hard-working, middle class federal employees get paid? No. Will Congressmen get paid? Yep. They’ll continue to get their $174,000 a year, and they will have health insurance as well. Asshats everywhere. I mean it. Really.

margaret-mug1 From Margaret

Helen dear, you would think their heads would be too big. Then again, thinking doesn’t seem to work in this situation. I wonder which part they hate more – the Obama or the Care?

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | July 13, 2013

Tampons don’t kill people. Republicans do.

Margaret, last night there was a rally at the Texas State Capitol to let Rick Perry and the Republican controlled House and Senate know that Texas women have had enough of this backward ass war on women. And do you know what those crazy asshats did? They confiscated everyone’s feminine hygiene napkins at the door. Now there is some good bullshit if you ask me.

As God as my witness, you could legally carry a concealed weapon into the Texas Capitol but you had to surrender your tampons. I can only assume the Texas legislators… I guess Rick Perry decided… The State Troopers.. You know what, Margaret? For the first time in my life I’m speechless. What in God’s name has gotten into these yahoos?

If Rick Perry, a C minus college student, can be trusted with making his own healthcare decisions, why the hell can’t my A+ college graduate daughter do the same? Pro-life my ass. Perry is about as pro-life as any governor who has presided over hundreds of executions. Which is to say Perry is about 250 executions short of being pro-life. And for the record, pro-choice does not mean pro-abortion. Being pro-choice means you trust women to make the right decisions for themselves and their families when it comes to healthcare.

And Rick Perry might not be running for governor again, but those two morons Abbott and Costello… I mean Abbott and Dewhurst are and they make Perry look almost sane. So this fight isn’t over. I’m in this for the long run. Are you with me Wendy?

Texas women might have lost the battle but we sure as hell plan to win the war. And they can pry the tampon from my cold, dead hands. I mean it. Really.

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Margaret, if my vagina could shoot bullets it would have fewer regulations on it.  Plus, it would be easier to conceal from idiot politicians like Rick Perry and John Kasich.  And while that might be a bit graphic for even me, it’s a sad but very true statement.  We women in Texas (I can’t speak for the women of Ohio) are madder than hell and I think it’s time again for another Ann Richards to come make things right – God rest her soul.  Years ago she said that government should “open the doors and let the people in.”  Well ready or not, here we come.  And this time, we’re bringing a Harvard grad named Senator Wendy Davis.

For years now, Governor Perry has waged a war on women based on conversations he has with God and his pastor.  It’s a given that Rick’s god speaks to him in a male voice.  I am sure he has never considered the alternative.  According to his god, women can’t be trusted to make healthcare decisions.  As a result Perry has decided to make it hard for poor women (and soon almost any woman) to even have access to healthcare at all – problem solved.  When you gut funding for family planning, force doctors to perform unnecessary procedures on women (and only women) and then shut down dozens of women’s health clinics… well let’s just say it’s not a stretch to suggest that Rick Perry hates women.  But as far as his desire to end abortion, he doesn’t have a clue.  All of his efforts will simply decrease the number of safe, legal abortions and increase the number of unsafe, illegal abortions.

I am old enough to remember what happens to women who don’t have access to safe, legal abortions.  I lost a few friends in those days.  But, I guess if you don’t like women, killing a few is of no concern.  Can you imagine the outrage if we were legislating a penis?  Would the out-crying of voters be called an unruly mob then?  Not a chance.   It would be called the Texas Legislature.

Rick Perry, bless his heart, doesn’t have the good sense God gave a goose – otherwise known as a C minus average at Texas A&M University.  That boy hasn’t had a light on in the attic since someone in kindergarten told him he had nice hair.  Perry says that A&M shaped him into the person he is today.  What shape is obtuse?  He earned a C in U.S. History, a D in Shakespeare, and a D in the principles of economics.  Perry even got a C in gym which might explain why he finds joy in picking on defenseless, poor women who can’t fight back.  I don’t even know what to say about his C in animal breeding.  If the man can’t even figure out how animals reproduce, why do we expect him make rational decisions about women’s reproductive freedoms?

Unfortunately Rick is not the only Governor who has taken up gynecology on the side. Over in the great state of Ohio, a certain Mr. Kasich seems to be fine with keeping helpful health information from rape victims.  And in North Carolina they plan to tell 7th graders that if you have an abortion, you’ll never be able to have any more children.   Hmmm.   Lying to rape victims and children.   Republicans everywhere must be so proud.

You know what gets me, Margaret?  These holier-than-thou types who have to lie and mislead because people don’t want to buy their brand of religion are nothing more than hypocritical bullies.  Just like Jesus taught us…whoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when you depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet… and then lie to them and force them to do what you want.

And for those women out there, who think this is really about saving innocent babies, let me assure you it’s not.   Republican politicians have passed legislation to define pregnancy as beginning at fertilization which means most types of birth control are now defined as causing abortions.  You might want to think about that really hard.  Are they saving babies or just calling you a slut?  Honestly, Perry and Kasich think women run to Planned Parenthood like it was a 7-Eleven.  I’ll take a soda, a bag of chips and an abortion please.

To Perry, Kasich and the other asshat politicians who want to regulate women’s bodies I have one thing to say:  Get your religion out of my vagina and back into your heart where it belongs.  I mean it.  Really.

VOTE IN 2014.

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