This Thanksgiving I am thankful some of you have decided to go to a football game rather than gather for the traditional meal. It means I have that many less gifts to buy this Christmas.
I am also thankful that I stopped calling myself a housewife years ago. Those Botox bimbos on that Bravo show have managed to ruin an otherwise perfectly good profession. I’d like to see the sorry excuse of a take-out meal they cook up for Thanksgiving. Housewives my ass. Bless their hearts, most of them seem more suited for the world’s oldest profession anyway.
And speaking of the oldest profession, I am truly thankful that none of my granddaughters dress like a Kardashian. That Kim became famous for putting her private moments on the internet web for the whole world to see. We used to call that pornography but today they call it social media. My goodness how the world has changed. I’ll be even more thankful when her fifteen minutes…weeks…years….. are finally up because in my book she’s a glorified adult movie star. I do, however, like her backside. A woman with a healthy bottom can’t be all bad… as long as it got that way eating pie.
This year I am particularly thankful Sarah Palin never became Vice President. That idiot thinks Mexicans have to swim an ocean to come to the United States. Just where were she and McCain planning to build the fence I wonder? Bless her heart, she can’t help being stupid, but she really should just stay home.
And speaking of staying home, I am thankful that all of you are coming to my house to spend another holiday with me. I’m a little older so there will be fewer rules. One rule remains, however. If you are vehemently vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, dairy free, sugar-free or just plain fat-free… don’t come.
Last year I told you there was no such thing as a gluten-free Thanksgiving. A few of you got a little upset over that. Well I used to have a handle on life but it broke. So I suggest you get over it and have some stuffing. If you can find the gluten, you are welcome to pick it out and push it aside. We can feed it to the dog. But if you are vegetarian there is bacon in pretty much everything so your going to starve to death sticking to your convictions.
A few years ago I switched to the 2-liter bottles of soda, hoping to cut down on the waste. Instead of cutting down on the waste, we just increased the spills. This year I am thankful for those new tiny cans of Coca-Cola. After years of throwing away half-empty cans the grandkids opened and then forgot about after two sips, I’ll gladly spend a little more to give a little less.
Oh and thank goodness brussels sprouts have made a comeback. Now I have something to feed the vegetarian… no wait. I cook them in bacon grease. Sorry about that. I guess if you want a salad honey, bring your own… unless it’s Jell-O salad. If you bring Jell-O salad to my front door, just keep walking to my back door. You’ll find the trash can on the patio to your left. Jell-O salad looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ under the porch and I’ve got no use for salad of any kind except chicken or egg.
We’ve got two new babies in the family this year so I’ll remind everyone of the rules. If you change a dirty diaper while you’re here, take it with you when you leave. The trash man doesn’t come until Tuesday. I don’t come to your house and forget to flush the toilet so you don’t need to come to my house and leave a pile of poop in my can. And your children are cute but capturing their every moment on the camera is just setting them up for that social media nightmare I mentioned above. Put your camera away so the rest of us can relax and let a notch or two out on our belts.
As much as I don’t agree, I am aware that parenting has become optional these days. But if I can still cook a meal like this at my age then the least you can do is humor me long enough to mange your child’s plate. I can’t stand watching half my meal end up in the trash because your child’s eyes were bigger than your husband’s stomach.
Finally, I would like to remind you that all cell phones go into the basket in the entry way. You can pick them up on your way out. If I catch one kid texting at the dinner table, the turkey goes into the fridge and everyone goes home on an empty stomach.
And now that I have gotten my crankiness out of the way, let me say that I am very thankful to have you in my family. Your grandfather, God rest his soul, loved a big meal. We’re having the same meal his mother used to make and the one I made for him every year of our marriage: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes made with real cream, sweet corn, candied yams, roasted brussels sprouts, green beans, cranberry sauce, homemade bread, pumpkin pie, apple pie, pecan pie and a nap.
I told you not to worry about bringing anything but your appetite. I meant it. Really.