Margaret, as sure as the sun is going to come up tomorrow, some Republican peckerwood is going to say something stupid about a woman’s baby maker. I’d say “uterus” but that just confuses them even more. In this case, it’s Mike Huckabee attempting to redefine the war on women. Of course, with a name like Huckabee, need I really say more? (My sincere apology to any Huckabee’s out there who can walk without dragging their knuckles across the floor.)
“If the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control, because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it.”
Now, Michael, Dear… Let’s talk a little about the reproductive system. I’ll try to use simple terms so as not to talk over your tiny little head (the one on your shoulders and not in your pants). I don’t know much about Uncle Sugar, but during a certain age that can be shorter for some and longer for others, we women get a monthly visit from Aunt Flo. She’s fairly predictable that Flo, but sometimes she can throw you for a loop just for the hell of it. It’s certainly far from foolproof, but if you are very careful you just might be able to time your “relations” around Flo’s visit and avoid a pregnancy. Pay no mind to those large Catholic families. They might just be bad at math or maybe they thought Aunt Flo was a heavy sleeper. (Think about it.)
Now for some women, sex is something they would prefer to avoid. Just look at Janet Huckabee with her three children. But for most women – and most men – sex is something that happens more than just the third Thursday after the second Friday of odd-numbered days in months that end in R. Like I told you, it can get a little tricky. In fact, most women don’t equate having sex to getting pregnant at all. Why? Because we don’t have to. Birth control gave women the freedom to be planned mothers (or not) rather than livestock existing simply to grow the herd. Come to think of it, maybe Janet Huckabee didn’t tell Mike about everything that was in her medicine cabinet.
Most women use birth control for… well, birth control. But some women actually use it for other reasons like less painful periods, PMS relief and relief from endometriosis. Yes, Mr. Huckabee – medical reasons beyond just limiting the number of unwanted pregnancies and children. God forbid that birth control be covered by health insurance companies. What could be worse than that? I don’t know… maybe a prescription drug commercial ending with the phrase “if an erection lasts longer than 4 hours seek medical attention”? But that is what this is really all about. It’s not about fighting for women’s rights. It’s not even about fighting for the life of the unborn. It’s about sex. Specifically it’s about sex being ok for men but not women. And honestly, Mr. Huckabee, that makes it even more difficult to understand why Republicans hate the gays. Hell if it were up to me, I would have insurance companies pay for condoms and early pregnancy test sticks too. One would reduce the number of STDs and the other would save those Palins a lot of money. Poor things up there in Alaska just waiting for Aunt Flo to fly in on a bomber from Russia…
Now if Mr. Huckabee would like to redefine the war on women, I’m all for it. But let’s call it what it really is – the hunt for Red November Voters. So I have a solution. If you believe women should have the freedom to decide when and how often to bring children into the world, vote for your friendly Democrat – preferably a female. If you would prefer that sex exists simply as a means to procreate, vote for Huckabee or any other old, white Republican.
Now, if you actually believe that men will abide by that no-sex-rule, please don’t vote at all because the new computerized voting machines might be too difficult for you to understand. I mean it. Really.
Aunt Flo? Now I haven’t heard that one in many a year. Nowadays, the kids call it Shark Week. And if you ask me, that’s what has Mr. Huckabee so scared.
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