This war on Thanksgiving has gone too far. Bacon, butter, sugar and cream are as important to Thanksgiving as the damn turkey. Vegetarians, God help them, have always managed to graze through my table and find enough to satisfy them. And if they stumbled upon a piece of bacon or two… well nobody has died in all the years I’ve put this meal on the table. But this latest request for a gluten-free meal has gone too far. A gluten-free Thanksgiving is like a rainy day – gray and soggy. I ain’t gonna do it, honey. Get mad, get glad or scratch your ass, it don’t make a difference to me. My Thanksgiving meal will have some gluten in it just as sure as a pig’s ass is pork. And we just might have some of that, too.
The holidays are not a time for dieting. This family has tried more diets than I can shake a stick at and somehow we still manage to have more backside than most. If you’re worried about how many calories are in my meal, I suggest you park your car a mile from the house and walk your fat ass the rest of the way. It’s not what you’re eating sweetie. It’s the fact that your sofa has become the new playground and your children spend more time on their electronic devices than your grandpa did on the pot. Gluten free my ass. Get out and get some fresh air and sunshine.
And now that we have that out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks.
1.) Your children can have as much soda and cookies as they please. This is grandma’s house for goodness sakes.
2.) Your cell phones at Thanksgiving are about as useful as a pocket on the back of your shirt. If you actually have one of those, put your cellphone there because if I see it at the dinner table, you won’t see it again until Christmas.
3.) Mary is pregnant again. Everyone bring an extra pie. And somebody keep an eye on her other rugrats. I swear, those kids could trip over a cordless phone.
4.) Iced tea without sugar is like Thanksgiving without gluten. I think I’ve said enough on that subject.
5.) The stuffing has bacon. It also has bacon grease and butter. I dare you not to have seconds.
6.) Rhonda, honey, you’re wife number two. WE can talk about number one but you can’t. Just be thankful there’s not a number three.
7.) Brian and Sylvia, when I told you not to bring anything, I meant it. If Cloe is not allowed to bring her Jell-O crap, you are not allowed to bring your fruit cake, your zucchini bread or your cleverly disguised broccoli in pasta salad. I serve the same meal my mother did fifty years ago. When I die, you can decide if you want to carry on the tradition. Until then, bring just yourself and an appetite.
8.) Gluten. You probably don’t even know what it is.
At my age, every meal could be my last. I’m thankful we’ll be having this one together again. Let’s make the most of it. Turkey, stuffing, gravy, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, sweet corn, green beans, cranberry sauce, homemade bread, pumpkin pie, apple pie, pecan pie, more pie… What’s not to like? In memory of your Grandfather, the back yard has horseshoes and the back fridge has beer. Drink until it is gone. The damn stuff is probably ripe with gluten, but I prefer wine anyway. One from each family needs to be the designated driver. I mean it really.