Dear Family,
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what’s leftover.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
House Rules:
- The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
- The” no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
- Cloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the HEB bakery.
- Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
- I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
- Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
- I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
- I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
- Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
- Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
- Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really. This doesn’t have to be difficult.
- Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
- Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I’ll watch what I say and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we’ll have a good time. If not, I’ll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I mean it really.
love it!!!
By: Cindy Anspach on January 28, 2013
at 7:42 AM
Not real close but worth looking at. Thanks
Sent from my iPad
By: Judie Pike on January 6, 2013
at 4:26 PM
Hi, Judie – A good friend of my mother’s went to a “graduated senior living” community at Oberlin College. Don’t know how far that is from Cincinnati, but I know it’s in Ohio! She was an academic herself, and just loved the place – as much privacy as she wanted, help when she needed it, plenty of cultural activities… And, of course, sharing life with a mix of fellow seniors and young college students.
This was many years ago, so I don’t know what the situation is there, now… But looking into places in college towns might be a good start. Good luck!
Gato
http://www.partyandsoul.wordpress.com
By: gatodicima on January 6, 2013
at 11:51 AM
I am about your age so must consider the possibility of the “senior living” option becoming necessary at some point. The worst aspect of that in Cincinnati area is the likelihood of being confined with a horde of Republicans forever. It would be nice to know where some of your local fans are living or considering living. Relocation seems to be too extreme an option, family being even more important than politics. Love your blog!
By: Judie Pike on January 6, 2013
at 11:40 AM
Mr. Baker,Am I missing stmioheng here?If SCOTUS is simply deferring and not “deciding” on whether to hear the case now, why wouldn’t they just put it off again, and again and again?We all know they don’t want any of this business. They’re not stupid, so they’re going to play games and deflect, right?It’s all the same to me. Bunch of sissified gummint pukes who couldn’t make a decision or do the right thing if their lives depended on it.Fenty will get to have his goons do whatever the Hell it is he wants, since it’ll fall to him to “do stmioheng.”Gray crap. A massive, ambiguous, undefinable legal gray area that is going to land bunches of regular folks in jail, I fear.Please, feel free to elaborate here, I’m really quite interested in the long version of what this is all about.
By: Gizem on December 16, 2012
at 4:37 AM
totally agree with everything especially the cell phone, if you pull out your cell phone you should be invited to leave, period!!
By: jane on December 13, 2012
at 9:54 AM
[...] friend did ask if I was at Margaret and Helen’s Thanksgiving party last year. I told her I wouldn’t waste a turkey to start a [...]
By: Oh the humanity, it’s nearly turkey day | Dining A La King on December 11, 2012
at 11:45 AM
Sure, people carry them… And are asked to turn them off in doctor’s offices, at concerts and movies, in many meetings, and all kinds of other places. You can’t eat a meal without your cell phone…? It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full, especially when it’s full of what yours seems to be chewing on. Sorry your dining companions are apparently so boring… Don’t you know anyone who’s interesting enough to talk to, face to face, for more than five minutes? Maybe not. A shame…
Gato
By: gatodicima on December 9, 2012
at 8:41 PM
what kind of old prune-faced broad has a good time @ a family member’s expense? people carry cell phones, so get the freak over it.
By: Anonymous on December 9, 2012
at 8:32 PM
You are so right, Terry! None of us voted for him, and yet all the Republicans in Congress are dancing to HIS tune, instead of representing their constituents, when are they going to pull their heads out of their butts!?
By: Michelle on December 9, 2012
at 2:42 PM
Hi, Whirled – Love it.
Actually, there probably IS something that can be described as a “cliff,” at least for the purposes of partisan wrangling, and terrifying the public. But I think that the Prez is in a pretty good place at the moment. He’s made a proposal; he ran on that same proposal, and won; everybody knows that. (Wasn’t a landslide, but it WAS a win!) If the GOP doesn’t do anything, we’ll probably be heading into a real depression, and there will be no one to blame except the Republicans, much as they will try to deny any fault. And that will take care of the 2016 mid-terms. I’m sure the GOP is thinking about that… There is NO WAY they are going to be able to “broaden their base” if they refuse to let tax rates increase on the 1%. I’m sure they know that, too.
So, for a short-term gain (more seats in the House), they sold their principles to the Tea Party, leading up to 2010, and now they’re stuck with what they did. No wonder they’re out of their minds…
Boehner’s being “flabbergasted” at Obama’s position is laughable. It’s like someone telling him, repeatedly, for months, “I’m going to give away the dog in January, unless you make some other arrangements.” Then January comes around, no other arrangements have been made, the person sells the dog, and he is… Flabbergasted. Perfect word for Boehner.
Gato
By: gatodicima on December 3, 2012
at 3:43 PM
Thanks Sidney. There are little things called history and facts and I think sometimes the GOP supporters forget that.
And one other thing I didn’t mention in my response to UAW, I don’t think the Dems ever had anything that was the equivalent of Grover Norquist’s no tax pledge. That damn thing is downright unpatriotic; and who the hell is Grover Norquist? Nobody ever elected him to anything!
By: Terri in NY on December 3, 2012
at 3:05 PM