Posted by: Helen Philpot | July 7, 2009

SARAH PALIN CALLED A FAMILY MEETING AND THE RABBIT LIVED…

Margaret, I watched Sarah Palin’s resignation speech and all I have to say is, “What the hell was that?”   My God that woman is an idiot.  I have said this before, but I feel the need to say it again.  Her problems did not come because the media was against her.  Her problems come because every time you stick a microphone in front of her mouth a whole lot of stupid falls out. 

Things are getting tough and once again she is trying to hide behind that dysfunctional family of hers.  She actually stood there and talked about how the Palins had a family meeting and everyone agreed it was time for her to step down as Governor.   Well, I call bullshit.  The only family meetings the Palins have usually involve someone peeing on an early pregnancy test stick.   

The time to step down would have been back when the older daughter was knocked up and needed a little privacy.  The time to have stepped down would have been when the special needs child was a newborn and needed some peace and quiet at home with the family.  The time to put the voters or her family first hasn’t happened with Sarah Palin yet and I doubt it ever will.

I would cut her some slack but she used up all her slack with me while on the campaign trail.  This is the woman who called the parts of the country where I don’t live more Pro-American than the part where I do live.   She stirred up crowds across the country to the point that McCain campaign stops frequently resembled a lynch mob.  She mixes religion and politics like I mix gin and tonic but then calls for less government involvement.  Freedom from government is her battle cry until a vagina gets involved and then watch how much involvement she wants.  Show me a woman who is making a private medical decision to end a pregnancy and I’ll show you a Palin screaming for more government involvement.

She was elected to be Alaska’s Governor for four years and she bails having completed less than three.  Can you imagine what she might do if she were to ever make it to the White House?  All it would take is for Congress to overturn one veto and the Palins would be packing up the bear skin rugs in the Oval Office.  And I bet they take all the little shampoo bottles from the private residence as well.

Like I said a few months back – that woman is a bitch.  I meant it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 30, 2009

The Appreciation or Depreciation of Michael Jackson

Good Lord Margaret.   I had no idea Michael Jackson was this popular.   I realize now, of course, that it was as plain as the nose on my face…  OK.  Bad joke.  But even if you were hiking on the Appalachian Trail this non-Father’s Day weekend, it was almost impossible to avoid the news and entertainment coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.    I wasn’t a fan, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t respect his talent…  even if I didn’t understand it – all that jumping around like he had ants in his pants.  

But I have to say, after watching all these reports,  his life seemed out of control even while he was in control of it and it seems to still be out of control now that he is no longer living.  And that Joe Jackson is a real piece of work.  He seems to be depreciating an asset rather than mourning a son.  (It’s an accounting term, Dear.  Ask Howard to explain it to you.) 

I remember when this happened to Elvis and that sweet Marilyn Monroe.   At some point Michael Jackson stopped being a human being and instead became a widget.  And now it seems we are giving three more kids to the couple who manufactured the Jackson widgets.  Life goes on…  Will we ever learn?

Watching all this mad-dash coverage, it occurs to me that if you tore him down in life then it’s a tad bit hypocritical for you to now prop him up in death.  Did I mention Joe Jackson was a piece of work?  But we seem to be evolving into a nation of hypocrites.  And as someone who believes evolution should be taught in school, I am more than a little worried about this evolutionary cycle. 

If it were up to me, I would establish a few rules right about now regarding hypocrisy.  Something along the lines of:

  • If you’re Michael Jackson’s father now is not the time to be enjoying the limelight. 
  • You can’t  be Pro-Life and Pro-War at the same time.  If one of these dispositions has to be in your cadre, then pick one and  live with the consequences.
  • You can’t deny the right to marry to some and then cheat on your spouse.   The right to happily marry belongs to all no mater how unhappy it makes you.
  • You can’t tolerate the atrocities of one President for eight years and then assign the consequences to one who follows.  From this day forward everything was Reagan’s fault.
  • The Christian Right should be forced to spend a week in Iran.  May the best radicals win.
  • The Real Housewives should actually be housewives.

About that last one.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 25, 2009

Don’t cry for me, Argentina

margaret-mug1  Helen, are you there?

helen-mug1  Of course I am here.  Where the hell would I be?  In Argentina with Governor Sanford?

I’m sorry Margaret.  I don’t mean to snap at you.  It’s just too damn hot and everything in the news right now is driving me crazy.  The Governor from South Carolina decides to skip town for a few days – not even telling his wife where he has gone – and then acts surprised when it makes the news.  And so it appears that yet another Republican politician couldn’t keep his Johnson in his pants. 

Senator Ensign is still apologizing for it and now Govenor Sanford has joined the adultery parade.    Is there something special about a Republican tallywacker that it requires so much attention? I mean honestly, Margaret –  One day they’re  just so concerned about who is sleeping with whom and then the next day they’re shacking up with some bimbo in South America.  Tell me again why gay people can’t get married?

But  it’s not just Republicans.  It seems that politicians in general have an issue with keeping it zipped.   The only difference is that one party decided to make it a moral issue and the other one rightly thinks it’s a privacy issue.   

Margaret,  if I have to listen to one more hypocritical apology from a holier than thou politician too stupid to keep his indiscretions secret… well, I’m not sure what I would do but a girl can wish… can’t she? 

And speaking of wishes… I wish we could just vote out the Dicks and vote in the Janes.

Imagine a world where women were in control of governments.  Children would never go without health care.  Corporate executive bonuses and private jets would happen only after corporate day care centers and meaningful maternity leave were paid for.  Birth control would be free and Viagra would be priced based on the going rate for a barrel of oil.  And by that I mean to say the price would go up and down without making any sense – much like the penis in question.

I know. I know. I sound cranky. Well I am. It’s just too damn hot and my flowers look pitiful. I think I will go have a nice, big glass of iced tea.  But before I leave you, let me just say that what is happening in Iran is complicated and I am damn glad a smart man is sitting in the Oval Office.  I mean it.  Really

margaret-mug1 Oh my, Helen, listen to you, dear. Yes, I do think it must be the heat.

All I can say about all of that is thank the Lord for Cable Television. All I know is that the day we got cable television here in Maine is the day I finally got a good night’s rest. I’m in bed by 10 p.m. What my Howard does after 10 p.m. is his business. All I’m saying is that maybe more politicians should watch late night cable television and we wouldn’t have all of these problems. Maybe that is the answer, dear.

Go water your plants, Helen. It might just take your mind off things for a while.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 11, 2009

My Big Fat Ass

Margaret, whatever happened to common sense?  I eat a lot of pie.  I have a fat ass.  I get the connection.  You hardly eat anything, walk everyday and a strong wind could blow you over.  Again, I get the connection.  So why is it so hard for Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News to understand the connection between what he says and how someone responds to what he says?  

It’s just not that big of a leap to see a connection between the television news calling someone a Baby Killing Nazi over and over again and some religious fanatic deciding to finally pull the trigger.  I get that it is not quite the same as the pie making my ass fat, but I don’t work for Jenny Craig.  Bill O’Reilly, however, works for Fox News.   The emphasis, of course, is on that last word – News.  He should know better.  He is paid to know better.  He should be fired for not knowing better.

Fox isn’t called the Editorial Channel.  Neither is it called the Opinion Channel.  Last time I checked it wasn’t even called the I Pulled This Bit of Information Out of My Ass In Hopes More of You Will Tune In Channel.  Although, I would push for that last one if Rupert Murdoch put it up for a a vote.

No.  It’s called the Fox News Channel.  So someone explain to me where exactly is the news or even the journalists.   Anytime you try to pin someone down over at Fox for irresponsible journalism they claim that they are news commentators and not journalists.  You’re  on a news channel you moron so if you are going to be a commentator then you should be commenting on the news and not your misinformed opinion about the private medical decisions made between a woman and her doctor. 

You’re either a news channel or your not.  Fox is not.  You are either commenting on the news or you are not.  Mr. O’Reilly is not.  To be honest, I am not even sure what the hell he is doing.  From where I sit – on my big, fat ass – it seems like he is yelling “Fire” in a crowded movie theatre.

Margaret, tell me if I am being too picky.  You don’t get to say you are one thing and then act like another. Do you?  You either are or you aren’t.  Mr. O’Reilly needs to shit or get off the pot.  He pretends to be a news reporter when it is quite evident he’s a TV tabloid personified.  Oh wait a minute.  I feel like maybe I am skirting the issue and not being clear enough.  Let me see if I can put this in simpler terms.  Mr. O’Reilly couldn’t win a debate against Helen Keller with one arm tied behind her back.  I mean it is just so obvious and yet everyone seems to ignore it.  He’s no Walter Cronkite nor will he ever be.  Take me for example.  I am a big, fat bitch.  Love me or leave me.   Tomorrow I am not suddenly going to wake up and become Miss Manners with Jennifer Aniston’s ass.  

But be it  big or small, one thing I know for sure.  Bill O’Reilly can kiss my ass.  I mean it really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 4, 2009

Pat Buchanan is a Cracker

helen-mug1 Margaret, this old gal has clearly lived too long. Never in my life did I think I would see a bunch of old, white men claiming they are being discriminated against. I am sure the Hispanic women who cleaned their houses today are having a good laugh… or a good cry.  Honestly, the absurdity of it all is more than I can take.  Stick me in a hole and throw some dirt on top of me.  I’m done.

If you are born a white, male Christian in today’s world and life didn’t turn out the way you wanted, you probably have only yourself and the Rush Limbaugh Show to blame.  Some exceptions probably do exist, but if you’re a commentator on a cable news channel you’re probably the rule and not the exception.

Pat Buchanan is an idiot. I mean it. Really.

margaret-mug1 Helen, dear, I sent an email to that talented Susan Boyle telling her that I thought she had the voice of an angel and that I wanted her to sing at my funeral. Her response said she was free next Thursday.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 29, 2009

Summer of Love

If your village is missing its idiot, you might check in California.  They seem to be overrun with them.  Most recently they decided to legislate love.

Let me tell you a little story about my shit for brains nephew who actually does live in California.  He was married ten years and had two children.  Sadly, it didn’t work out.  Honestly she was horrible, but you never really want to see a marriage end.  So we were all a little sad when she left and he fell apart.  Eventually he got his shit together, picked up the pieces and met another girl.  I don’t like her much, but she makes him happy so what do I care if they want to get married?  However, the Catholic church cared a  great deal.   You see,  he was still married in the eyes of the church even though his moron of an ex-wife had been gone 4 years.  And the new one is also divorced… and (oh my) a Baptist.

Problem?  Not for long.  Two annulments later and voila – they were never married.   Never mind the kids.  Bastards all of them I guess.  Funny but I didn’t know the Catholic church could annul a Baptist marriage, but you live and learn. 

I’ve  lived a long time and I have learned many things.  For instance, I  now know that even if the marriage is annulled, you don’t get your wedding gift back.  I also learned that the previously married then divorced then never really married and now newly engaged couple can actually have the gall to print on their invitation where they are registered.   As if that blender I purchased for the first wedding was annulled as well.  But I digress…

Give me just a second… I need to remove a spec from my eye…. There.  That feels much better.  Now.  Where was I?  Oh yes…

Fill out a check and sign a few forms and two marriages each producing two children are suddenly gone – as if they never really existed.  Feel free to marry again.  Feel free to ask for more gifts.  Feel free to check your brains at the church door.  Feel free to pull that enormous beam out of your eye.

Honestly folks.   If we paid as much attention to the sexual activities of Catholic priests as we do to homosexuals wanting to marry, we probably could have saved a lot of children from years of guilt, shame, anger and pain.

The world has just gone plain crazy  I tell you.  The next thing you know a smart, accomplished Latina woman will be nominated to the Supreme Court.  Oh the horrors… the horrors.

Can’t we all just get along?  Really.  I mean it.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 23, 2009

Life’s a bitch… and so is Dick Cheney.

Margaret, I am here to tell you that Dick Cheney is a bitch – a big one too.  I mean I thought that Sarah Palin was a bitch, but even she can’t hold a candle to this guy.  Have you been listening to him recently?

I would say that it takes some pretty big balls to go on national television again and again to justify torture, but Dick was too much of a wimp to serve his country in the military so I’m pretty sure there ain’t much hanging between his legs.   But being a bitch myself,  I can assure you that you don’t need balls to be a bitch.  You just need to not give a damn what other people think of you… and Dick doesn’t even care what his family and friends think about him much less the rest of us.

I have to admit that I am more than a little perplexed by Dick’s rise to power.  He flunked out of Yale – something even George W. Bush didn’t do – and has at least two DWI’s on his record – one more than Georgie Boy.  So basically from 2001 to 2009 we had two dry-drunk idiots running the country.  But only one of them has had the good sense to shut the hell up since leaving office.

Cheney came into politics as part of the Nixon administration and ended his politcal career with George W. Bush.  Along the way he managed to skip the Reagan years opting instead to represent the least populous state in the Union.   In fact, of the past five Republican presidents  since Cheney got into politics, the only one that Dick didn’t work for was Ronald Reagan.  Talk about a guy who can’t pick a winning horse.   He works for Nixon, Ford, skips Reagan, and then comes back for the two Bushes.   Four  failed Presidencies and this guy still thinks his shit doesn’t stink.  Of course this is the guy who headed up the vice presidential search for George W. Bush only to decide to pick himself as the candidate.  I’d say he’s mastered the art of not smelling his own shit.

During his tenure as Secretary of Defense he actively worked to reduce the size of our military.  And when asked about the FIVE deferments that kept him from serving in the military he responded by saying, “I had other priorities in the sixties than military service.”    And yet today he wants us to listen to him pontificate on how best to protect our nation?  He shot his friend in the face for goodness sakes.  Too bad for his hunting buddies that he got those deferments because the military might have helped him with his aim.

And let’s not forget about his co-workers and family members.  When someone manges to pull Scooter Libby out from under the bus, be sure to ask him what he thinks about his former boss.   And then there’s his daughter, the lesbian.  His own daughter is in a same sex relationship but Dick won’t stand up against his party’s stance on gay marriage.   So in addition to shooting his friends in the face and pushing employees under the bus,  he also eats his young.  Now that, my friend, is one  hell of a big bitch.

Hey Dick.  Stick a cork in it you good for nothing jackass.   You and George were elected with the narrowest of margins and you never looked back.  Eight years later an overwhelming majority put Obama in office and as far as I am concerned, he has the green-light to put this country back on track.   If you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass, because if I had to choose between liberating Iraq from Saddam or liberating us from you, there would be one more Hussein in the world and one less Cheney.  Given the opportunity, I would have stuffed you down that hole in the ground with Saddam and sealed the door shut.

I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 14, 2009

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Dick Cheney?

helen-mug1 To solve a problem, you have to know what causes the problem.  For example, to understand Dick Cheney you have to understand that his name is Richard but people call him Dick for a reason.  To understand Ann Coulter, you have to understand what it must be like to go through life with a ginormous foot in your mouth. To understand Rush Limbaugh, you have to understand how a frontal lobotomy works.  To understand George W. Bush, you have to…. well there really is no understanding that.   But I am sure you get the point.

As Americans, many of us just can’t understand why terrorists from the Middle East would want to destroy us.  The very idea of their hating us so much is almost unfathomable.  Never mind that we have been occupying their homelands for more than 60 years.   Never mind that today we have dozens of “enduring” military bases just in Iraq and dozens more in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Oman, Qatar…  Is that really so terrible? We’re just there looking to send back a little oil to help run our cars and our factories back home.   Why do they hate us so much?  I don’t know, but I wish it was a problem we could finally solve.

Speaking of problems I wish we could solve…  What are we going to do with all these illegal immigrants coming into our country uninvited?  The nerve, I tell you.  The very nerve of it just gets to me.   The  idea that those Mexicans would come here in hopes of earning money to send to their families back home is just too much to bear.  Before you know it, they’ll want to build a military base.  I mean can you imagine if those Mexicans were to start arriving inside tanks rather than inside trunks.  Imagine if they start taking our land rather than our landscaping jobs.  The very thought just makes me want to blow something up…

Is the whole situation becoming a little more clear?  People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.  It ruins the view and makes for a lot of sharp edges.

We need to educate ourselves if we are to finally understand our problems and how to solve them.  Did you know that  the US operates and/or controls between 700 and  800 military bases worldwide.   These facilities include more than 850,000 different buildings and equipment.  The underlying land surface is about 30 million acres – almost a third the size of California.  (Interestingly enough, the Hispanic population in California is about a third of the state’s population.)  The total land area occupied by US military bases domestically and internationally is about 2,202,735 hectares, which makes the Pentagon one of the largest landowners worldwide.

Margaret, I don’t even know what a hectare is.  Do you?  So what does all this mean? To most of us – probably nothing.  And that’s the problem.  I mean it.  Really.

A RESPONSE FROM MARGARET:

margaret-mug1 Oh Helen, dear, I wish I could help you with your problems, but I can’t. We don’t have Mexicans in Maine. Now, French Canadians are a whole other matter. You can’t swing my neighbor’s cat without hitting seven or eight of those people.  Not to bother, Helen, we take all kinds here in Maine. Mexican, French Canadian, Asian, even a Korean or two. We don’t care. They are all welcome. We are even going to make the gays legal! God Bless America.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 6, 2009

Shit Happens

When I listen to the conservative leadership of today – Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Sean Hannity, my moron of a neighbor Jerry… – it seems clear that they no longer stand for anything but rather against everything. Except for torture. They seem to be all for that. But everything else seems to be no, no, no!  One thing is for sure – they hate change. Which is too bad for them because trust me when I say that change – like shit – happens.

Actually,  they are fine with some change.  They really seem to enjoy changing history. Take for example, two other shit for brain conservatives named Dick Cheney and Bill Bennett, who seem to think waterboarding isn’t torture. That’s funny because when my Harold came back from WWII, we were all pretty clear on that form of torture.  If my memory serves me correct – and it does – we convicted some Japanese soldiers for just that very reason.

But Dick and Bill aren’t as old as they look – and they look really old.   WWII was before their time.   But we actually courtmarshalled one of our own for participating in waterboarding during Vietnam. Things might be more clear for Dick and Bill if they actually served in the armed forces – alas they didn’t.  In fact,  Dick applied for and received five draft deferments instead of serving in Vietnam.   See Dick and Bill.  See Dick and Bill run.  Run Dick.  Run Bill.

These morons have nothing left to offer.   There are no solutions for peace. Instead we must always be ready for war. There are no solutions for poverty, instead we must carefully protect the wealth of the wealthy.  There are no solutions for the environment, instead we must simply put our heads in the sand and pretend that life goes on forever – unchanging and without consequence.  No wonder these guys look bloated and constipated. They’re full of shit, and lots of it.

American values (and Christian values) change. We once valued slavery. We once burned people at the stake for witchcraft. We once looked the other way while Priests molested children.  American-made cars used to last forever.  Joan Rivers used to look like Joan Rivers.  Hell, we once actually thought Rush Limbaugh was funny.  But like I said, shit happens.

Every parent who has ever raised a child knows that change is inevitable. They learn from you – how to love as well as how to hate.  They listen to you – the truth as well as the lies. They fall.  They get up.   But eventually they decide for themselves who and how to love or hate as well when and how to lie or speak the truth.   My grandchildren are no more like me than I am like my grandparents.  Goodness sakes,  I certainly don’t make my own butter and, when I shit, it’s in the comfort of an indoor bathroom with all the modern conveniences.

Now that I think about it, there is one thing that never changes and that’s shit.   Shit always happens.  And shit always stinks.  Other than that, change is inevitable.  Children grow up.  Grandparents die.  Life goes on.

I’m 83.  For most of my life, I drove a big car and watered my lawn in the middle of the day.  Now I think twice about how I live because I realize life goes on and my grandchildren will be here long after I am gone.

For most of my life I never gave much thought about gay people.  Now I watch Ellen and really hope she and Portia are happy together.  What do I care if gay people want to get married.

For most of my life I really didn’t care too much who ended up in the White House.  Then one day a lunatic took up residence and started an unnecessary war, condoned torture and made me ashamed of my country.   So now I pay attention… because shit happens.   Really.  I mean it.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 1, 2009

Gay Marriage. Really?

Margaret, I just don’t get it.  We’re in a global economic crisis, America ‘s fighting two wars, there’s genocide in Darfur , AIDS running rampant, and a pretty good shot that we could all be killed by bird flu or swine flu or some other animal flu in a year or two.  And yet, the conservatives out there want to talk about gay marriage with Miss California.  Silly me.  I assumed it would have been Miss Arkansas.

Really?

So the Republican party has another washed up beauty queen as its spokesperson. I guess we can all look forward to a Palin-Prejean ticket in 2012. Lord help us.   I mean it. Really.

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