Posted by: Helen Philpot | September 15, 2010

The Real Housewife of Wasilla

Margaret, that Sarah Palin sure seems to be enjoying her moment in the spotlight.   And it appears she got another one of her Tea Party candidates one step closer to November 2nd.  Now,  I for one don’t begrudge her all this newly found fame and fortune.  I still think she is an idiot, but I don’t begrudge her all this success.   I just wish she came by it in a way that didn’t involve the fate of our nation…. like maybe being on The Real Housewives of Wasilla. 

I hear she is about to have her own television show on the Learning Channel.  Do you think she will learn anything?  And when exactly did the Learning Channel become the Learning Deficiency Channel?

Well, I say good for her.   If there was ever a person who was destined to be on one of those dysfunctional reality shows it would be Sarah Palin.  Maybe she will eat a rat like that little one on the The View. I hope she has huge ratings and gets out of politics for good.  Because stupid on television is one thing.  But stupid running our nation… well George Bush proved that to be a really bad idea.

Before that jackass preacher down in Florida decided not to burn the Quran, Ms. Palin sent out a little one of those face tweeter things.  She said she thought burning the Quran was as bad as building that mosque in Manhattan.  Leave it to an idiot to denounce one form of religious intolerance by promoting another form of religious intolerance.   

It’s a damn Burlington Coat Factory.  Did you know that Margaret?  This building they consider to be on sacred ground – or at least sacred ground for everyone but Muslims – is a Burlington Coat Factory.  Has everyone gone crazy?  It’s not at ground zero and it’s not even a mosque, honey.  It’s a cultural center.  And as far as sacred ground goes, we really should be careful.   They have a whole lot of “sacred ground” in the Middle East and it tends to cause never-ending wars.   This country already goes to war too often for sacred oil.  We don’t need to add sacred ground to the list.

When exactly will common sense return to America?  Just how far can the Republican Party – now called the Tea Party – throw the bullshit before someone calls them on it?  You just have to pay attention to Sarah Palin for all of ten minutes before you realize just how deep it gets.  And now this Christine O’Donnell has waded into the mess.

Margaret, it just makes me want to cry sometimes.   But you know me.  When faced with idiots and jackasses, I don’t cry.  I bake a pie.

So have some pie and a little coffee.   I know you prefer tea, dear, but skip the tea and have some coffee for me until after November.  I mean it .  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | September 9, 2010

God Loves A Good Book Burning

Margaret did we really expect anything less?  Religious intolerance has defined the Republican Party for almost 30 years now.   A culture of life.   Family values.  America’s Christian Heritage.  The sanctity of marriage.  Gays in the military.  Prayer in school.   A mosque in Manhattan.  For goodness sakes, the current  leaders of the Republican Party (Palin, Limbaugh, and Beck) have been screaming about a Muslim family in the White House for months now.  It was only a matter of time before someone called for a good ‘ole fashion book burning.  Does it really matter if that book is the Quran instead of The Catcher in the Rye? 

There is just one thing I haven’t been able to figure out yet.  How many more groups of people does the Republican Party have to hate before its members finally call for a new platform?  Those signs they carry at their rallies are getting pretty full.  The print will have to be pretty small at the next Beck rally to fit God Hates Gays, Jews, Blacks, Muslims, Clinton (him and her), the Liberal Media, Obama, Pelosi, French Fries, Activists Judges, Environmentalists, Feminists, Mexicans,  and small puppies.  Maybe they can just print up a sign that simply says God Hates Everyone Who Isn’t  Like Me.

And trust me Margaret.  The minute Matthew puts this on that web page blog of ours,  a bunch of jack-asses are going to tell us that God hates us too and we shouldn’t generalize all Republicans like that.  Well all I have to say is if it quacks like a Duck and sets a Quran on fire then it must be a Republican.  

If you vote Republican today, what exactly are you voting for?  It’s certainly not smaller government.  If you vote Republican today you are telling “Pastor” Terry Jones that fifty religious fanatics are more important than any chance for world peace.  You are telling  Sarah Palin that when it comes to the presidency – pretty is more important than smart.  You are telling Glenn Beck that honesty isn’t really necessary if you have your own cable news show on Fox.  You are telling Michele Bachmann that hearing voices in your head isn’t cause for alarm.  Hell, if you vote Republican today you might as well just shove a few more dollars in Rush Limbaugh’s pockets and a few more pills in his mouth.  It’s all very entertaining, I’ll give you that.  But considering what they did when we gave them the keys to the car the last time, are you really ready to put them behind the wheel again so soon?  I’m just not sure there are that many more countries we can bomb, world religions we can vilify and oil wells we can drill before the rest of the world calls us on our bullshit.

Here’s a thought.  If  Pastor Jones is so dead set on burning a book he should just wait until The George Bush Memoirs come out.  After all, everyone knows the only thing God loves more than a good book burning is a burning Bush.  

If the Democrats can’t muster enough votes to beat this bunch of yahoos then we deserve what we get on November 3rd.   Besides, Harold said we could move to Canada and you know how much I love Anne Murray. 

Vote Republican and burn a Quran.  Same difference.  I mean it really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | September 1, 2010

100 Grand Bore

Margaret please tell Howard that 100,000 people will show up to a tractor pull if the entry fee is cheap enough.  Big deal. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to ignore them and have some pie.

As I see it dear, if more than a hundred thousand dead civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan can be dismissed,  so can slightly less than a hundred thousand peckerwoods at a Beck rally.

If the civil rights of millions of gay and lesbian Americans are not important, then neither are the pathetic rants of almost a hundred thousand Palin addicts.

If millions of children without healthcare are  inconsequential then why should I give a rat’s ass about a hundred thousand shitheads who actually think Beck and Palin have something worthwhile to say?

As long as millions of American Muslims don’t have religious freedom, a hundred thousand Tea Party yahoos shouldn’t be allowed to have cable television.  It only seems fair…

I just can’t believe 87,000 people are dumb enough to buy that crap. If Beck and Palin want a government so focused on one God and one religion, they should visit the Middle East and see how that concept is working out.  It’s gotten to the point where you can’t distinguish Fox News from the Christian Broadcasting Network.   It’s nauseating.

Palin and Beck don’t care about you, me or anyone except themselves.  They are getting filthy rich pandering to angry white mobs so transparent in their racist feelings toward the President that a sheet of Saran Wrap would cast a darker shadow.

The greatest threat against America is not terrorism.  It’s not a mosque in Manhattan.  It’s not gay marriage.  It’s not healthcare reform.  And, believe it or not, it’s not even Beck or Palin.  The greatest threat against America are the tens of millions of Americans who won’t turn out to vote this November effectively giving power to 87,000 angry assholes.

Sarah Palin is an idiot.  Glenn Beck is a moron.  And I am sick of Fox News.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 19, 2010

Shooting the Schlessinger

Margaret, your letters have been a source of comfort these past few weeks.  I really have not felt like writing until your nephew called me to tell me that lots of people actually read this thing and many of them think that I am dead.  Goodness gracious. I had no idea that once I started I couldn’t stop.  But if this is my lot in life, I guess things could be worse.  It keeps me busy and right now I probably don’t need a lot of time on my hands.

I saw in the news today that one of your radio shows is coming to an end.  That Dr. Laura lunatic you like has finally gone one step too far and used the N-word a few too many times… well actually one too many times if you think about it.  It’s just not one of those words  a crazy white woman should let slip.  You’d think she would know that. 

You’d also think that she would have a better understanding of the First Amendment which she is now claiming has been denied to her.   I assume, of course, that she is referring to the freedom of speech and not the freedom of the press – the later referring to actual journalists and not some quack with a PhD in physiology.

What Ms. Schlessinger seems to forget is that she indeed has the right to say the N word.  In fact, she exercised her right to say the N word over and over again.  And still today she could continue to say the N word until the Sarah Palin comes home.  No one has stopped her from doing so just as no one stopped me from just now insinuating Sarah Palin is a cow.  Schlessinger’s First Amendment rights are very much intact.  The First Amendment, however, doesn’t prevent people from deciding that maybe the next time Laura Schlessinger says the N word a microphone shouldn’t be sitting in front of her.

And so Physiologist Schlessinger is just one more name on an ever-growing list of Conservative Americans who talk out of both sides of their ass… sorry I meant mouth… no I think I meant ass.

Folks, these talking heads need to stop talking to us like we are stupid.  And quite frankly we need to stop soaking it all up like idiots.  Just because you heard it on the boob tube – or the radio for that matter – doesn’t make it true.

Obama isn’t shredding the constitution.  Healthcare Reform isn’t going to put me or any other grandmother in an early grave.  Anchor babies, missing birth certificates, protecting the sanctity of marriage, … it’s all a bunch of crap.  And if you don’t believe me, take a good hard look  at the asshole who said it.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 14, 2010

Somewhere over the rainbow…

Margaret, tell Howard that the difference between me and Rush Limbaugh is that I don’t lie in order to support my opinion.  That fat bastard Limbaugh will say anything to keep his ratings up and counts on his fans being too lazy to check the facts.  And as far as the next election, Howard is probably right.  This fickle country of ours will probably put the Republicans back in control of something and it will start all over again.  It’s sad really.

I wonder if the Grand Old Party has taken a step back recently and gotten a good look at just how tarnished they have become?   You’ve got one Governor shooting wolves out of helicopters and another using laser guided missiles  to take out coyotes during his morning jog.    You’ve got the Tea Party rooting for insurance companies instead of kids  and the Right-To-Lifers shooting doctors at church.  The GOP even has homophobes practicing homosexuality.  And “drill, baby, drill” isn’t sounding too great for a battle cry these days, but by God they’re sticking to it.  From where I sit, the entire Republican Party should head to OZ – looking for a brain, a heart and a pair of testicles.

Honestly, do Republicans put their guns down long enough to wipe their asses or do they just take a chance and occasionally wound themselves in the privates?  What the hell are these people thinking?  Have you listened to Rush Limbaugh recently?  And if you have, please tell me why.   We know he never graduated from College.  We know his mother said he flunked everything.  We know that much of his career was spent high on hillbilly heroin.  And we know for damn sure he lies.  There is actually an entire organization dedicated to exposing his lies from each and every broadcast.  So how in God’s name can you repeat his garbage in your emails and comments to me and not expect me to immediately discount you for a fool?

For the record.  I have no issue with all these morons asking to see President Obama’s birth certificate.  After all, for eight years I demanded that President Bush produce a GED document to prove he had a brain.  I never did get proof, but I also knew when to give up… right about the time he said that the human being and fish could coexist peacefully.   The birth certificate argument is a horse as dead as the coyote that almost ate Governor Good Hair.

The absolute absurdity of it all has become… well…  absurd.

Margaret, you have to ask yourself:

How many guns do you need before you cross the line from hunter to paranoid militia member?

How much oil has to wash ashore in the Gulf Coast before we seriously consider solar, wind and other alternative fuel sources?

How many skeletons and fossils do we have to dig up before evolution seems more plausible than the story of God sleeping in after six days of hard work?

How many wars do we have to start before we realize that, in war, there are no winners except Dick Cheney and Halliburton?

How long before Tea Party members stop misspelling signs and just start burning crosses?

Does that law in Arizona really do anything to fix immigration or is it just a new way of saying you don’t want a Mexican buying the house next door? 

And just how stupid does Sarah Palin have to be before you reconsider giving her the codes to the nukes?

About that last one. I really, really do mean it.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | April 15, 2010

We survived Bush. You’ll survive Obama.

Margaret, please tell Howard that I love him because he loves you.  But that is about all the reaching across the aisle that I can handle.  A few years back, millions of people across this nation and across the globe marched for peace.  George Bush ignored us and we had to endure his lazy ass being in the White House for eight years.

So now a black man named Barack Obama, elected by the will of the people, has decided to fight for the poor, and work for world peace… and a bunch of white guys who think Fox really is News just can’t stand it.

Well, they can kiss my ass because I am tired of their belly aching.

This is exactly how our political system works.  Sometimes your party is in and sometimes it is out.  Your party is currently out.  So shut the hell up and deal with it. 

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for a group of disgruntled citizens banding together to form a third political party because they don’t feel represented by the other two.  But let’s be honest – this bunch of idiots  doesn’t like that a black man is the most powerful man on the globe.   I wonder if they know that, while 78%  of  the world is not white, only 13% of the United States is black.   So they can relax.  Barack and Michelle most likely will not be buying the house next door.

Tea Party members should listen up.  As long as Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are your torchbearers, you don’t have much credibility with me.  One echoes between the ears and the other is 12 shy of a dozen.   You honestly want me to think that your  biggest issue is the cost of healthcare reform?  You sat idly by while Bush squandered billions on a failed war, but all children having health insurance is too much to handle?  That’s your beef?  You realize, of course, that some of those children are white, don’t you?

Please.  You might not be wearing hoods, but your misspelled signs are one step shy of a burning cross.  You should be ashamed of yourselves. 

Trust me.   It’s going to be eight long years for you Tea Party members.  But we survived Bush and  you’ll survive Obama.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | March 23, 2010

No More Hoo Hoo for You Know Who

Honestly, Margaret, if I hear one more old, white guy with an opinion about abortion, his skinny white ass is going to meet my rather large shoe.   It’s a woman’s decision to make.  Her body.  Her choice.  Period.  

Bart Stupak is an ass.  If he is in our “big tent” then our tent is too big.  But if you ask me, the real problem is probably that the “pup tent”  that greets him each morning  is too small.

Abortion has no business being a political game… a sound bite to make the evening news.   It is a medical decision between a woman and her doctor.  If you have a moral dilemma or a religious issue, then don’t have an abortion.  It really is that simple.  Trust me.  I know. 

Abortion is not a dirty word and I am sick and tired of watching holier than thou white men in Congress  pretending that they have any concept of what a woman goes through when making such an important decision. For some women it is a time of great sadness – a pregnancy gone wrong, a wanted child not to be.  For some women it is a time of great relief – a decision to delay parenthood.  It is a deeply, personal decision made for deeply, personal reasons.  And, yes,  for some women it is a decision they choose not to make – again for deeply personal reasons.

Bart, if you want to reduce abortions, vote to fully fund family planning and comprehensive sex education.   Otherwise, shut the hell up.  We don’t care what you think about our wombs.

Women in Michigan should hang a closed sign across their hoo-hoo’s until Stupak is either voted out of Congress or grows a vagina of his own.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 4, 2010

The Elephant in the Room is a Kangaroo

Margaret, I really do like this President. He is young and smart… and I think he is trying his best under bad circumstances to do the right thing and create change for good. Not easy these days… Sort of like your convincing Howard that seeing a doctor annually at his age is still preventative medicine. You’ve both got a tough sales job ahead of you.

I really do appreciate his trying to reach across the aisle – as they say – and get Republicans to work towards bipartisanship. But honey, that dog just don’t hunt. Trying to reach bipartisanship with this particular Republican Party will probably achieve bipolarism instead of bipartisanship.

Harsh? Well yes maybe I am being a bit harsh. Part of the problem? Well maybe that too. After all bipartisanship requires a little give and take from both sides. So who am I to suggest that the problem is mainly with the Republicans?

Good questions all of them – particularly because I was the one who asked them. You know me, Margaret. I’m always trying to play both sides of the same issue. Well what do you expect from a woman who invented the all pie diet?

To all my Republican readers out there – I have had quite enough of your nonsense.

Your party gave us Sarah Palin and George W. Bush – dumb and dumber. He’s the guy whose mission still isn’t accomplished and she’s the gal who couldn’t handle being governor of one of our least populous states. Even the “professional” wrestler was able to finish the job in Minnesota.

Your party had an issue with President Obama telling school children to stay in school and study hard. I guess a black man can’t be trusted with your children regardless of his credentials. And your party decided the tradition of separating church and state had an expiration date. You love the constitution but you seem to pick through that document the same way you pick through the Bible – with all the effectiveness of eating corn on the cob through a picket fence.

We are actively involved in two wars, but you just can’t understand why the deficit is so big? Regardless of what you have been told, every time a bomb is dropped, an angel doesn’t not get her wings. Hint: Defense spending represents almost one quarter of all federal spending.

Today’s Republican Party has an issue with abortion, but then fights against healthcare reform knowing full well that more than 9 million children lack health insurance. A stretch argument to be sure, but then again 18 19 Children and Counting is a big hit.

My party at least recognizes the need for increased access to birth control. Your party is pro-life right up until they cut the cord and then you turn your attention to electing judges who promote shortening the waiting time on death row.

And for Pete’s sake your party has an issue with gay people, but you gladly send your straight children to war while telling gays they cannot serve. This one, more than any other, has me scratching my head. Aren’ t you just delaying their eventual trip to Hell?

You actually have Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck as your spokesmen. Rush Limbaugh? Are you serious? Even the NFL didn’t want Limbaugh. And Beck… Glenn Beck? When people use the expression “nuttier than a fruitcake” Glenn Beck is the main ingredient.

The Republican Party of yesteryear was respectable. You were all about a small government that carried a big stick. Now you are just despicable. You used to be the Party of Lincoln and now – honest to God – you make Archie Bunker look progressive.

If it wasn’t for Fox News you would be irrelevent. That’s right. You have become a party that owes its entire existence to a cable news channel owned by an Aussie. Your mascot should be a kangaroo instead of an elephant. After all, the last guy you sent to the White House arrived there thanks to a kangaroo court ruling rather than an election. He then spent the next 8 years bringing our nation to its knees. How about sitting down and shutting your damn pie holes long enough to see if the guy in office now can actually clean up your mess. Honestly, you are embarrassing yourself.

Look. My party has problems too. It’s biggest problem might be in attempting to please everyone, the Democratic Party seems to please no one. But diversity of opinions is something I am willing to work through. Bigotry and ignorance is not. I mean it. Really.

Helen, dear, one of the many things I love about you is your ability to see the positive in just about every situation. Now it might take you a while to get there and it might involve scalping a Republican or two along the way, but eventually you do and life is a much better place for it. Now, could you please just explain to me why my Howard thinks now is the perfect time to get a good deal on a new Toyota? Honestly, Helen, that man will be the death of me yet.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 28, 2010

Train Wreck

Thank you for the flowers, Margaret.  You always know just how to cheer me up.  And yes, the tree is still up.  This year is going to be one to remember.  I can already tell.

I got halfway through Sarah’s book and quit.  Quitting is not like me, but I figure if Sarah can quit pretty much everything she starts then I can quit her book.  She can’t write worth a damn but she can certainly draw a crowd… then again, so can a train wreck. 

Life is never difficult in her world.  There is never anything to ponder.   There is no thought… no debate.   The world is simply black and white… oil and snow.    Her approach to politics is simple.  Government shouldn’t do anything.   Because doing something would need thought.  And thought is too much to ask from Sarah Palin.  She has other things to do like getting even with anyone who has ever exposed her stupidity.

People like Sarah used to believe in creationism.  But like a 10-year-old who realizes believing in Santa Clause has run its course, Sarah now believes in intelligent design.  The problem with that concept is you have to be unintelligent to believe it.  This is a woman who thought she was being smart when she pointed out that Barack Obama’s middle name is Hussein.  Life is complicated… mysterious even…. but intelligent?  Hardly.  Intelligent design can’t explain the existence of a mosquito anymore than I can explain the existence of this book or her rise to politcal fame.

So, Margaret,  I am done with her book.  But I fear that I am not done with Sarah.  Like Harold’s gas, she has a way of sticking around despite how much you want it to go away.  And I mean “it”.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | December 7, 2009

Going Rogue Without a Condom

Margaret,  Chapter One of Going Rogue by Sarah Palin ends on page 62.  That’s about 61 pages after it should have ended.  It  has approximately 19,500 words to it, but not one of them was worth reading. It’s all pure crap.   If this chapter is any indication of what’s ahead, then it appears Mrs. Palin plans to spend the rest of her life getting even with the world by rewriting history. 

The very first page of the book is a map of the globe as seen from the North Pole – I guess to emphasize the proximity of Alaska to Russia.  Honestly honey, when is she going to learn that dog don’t hunt?  Her defending us from Russia would be about as effective as Todd Palin’s preferred brand of condoms.   Oh yes –  Track arrived not quite 8 months after they sprinted to the courthouse to elope.  I guess Sarah’s ghost writer didn’t think anyone who reads this book could count.

And oh my but did she love to read.  All her life all she ever did was read, read, read.  Too bad somewhere along the way she didn’t learn to write.   And that college thing…  Well, it seems that it took so many years and so many different colleges to get a degree because she had to work so much.  And by work, she means entering beauty pageants and sleeping with Todd. 

She finds a way to reference Ronald Reagan  as early as page three in this chapter – which is supposedly about her childhood – and then mentions him again about a dozen more times before the chapter ends.  Even her Grandpa ate jelly beans and looked remarkably like Ronald Regan.  And Sarah’s favorite words – patriotic, patriot and patriotism – populate her paragraphs like children conceived out of wedlock populate her family tree. 

On page two we learn that sweet little Piper, Sarah and Todd’s fourth child, is  the poster child for the Alaska Right to Life group, but if you ask me, she should have been the poster child for the waning popularity of Jay Leno and late night television.  I guess there’s not much to do on cold nights in Alaska except watching out for Russians and wooing Palins.

Margaret, I tried to come to this with an open mind.  Really I did, sweetheart.  I wanted to believe that there really was something of substance to someone who captured the imagination of millions.  Even Barbara Walters has Sarah on her Top 10 list for the year.   But it’s just not there, Margaret.  Substance.  She has none.  Not even with a ghost writer.  I mean how much respect can you have for a woman who describes the birth of her first son by writing, “Oh.  My. Gosh.  I thought I was going to die…  Had any woman ever hurt this much?  I didn’t think so.”   Is it possible her ghost writer is a man?

But honestly, why am I so nasty about this woman?  First I called her a bitch and now I am suggesting her knees are together about as often has Hillary Clinton appears in public with Bill.   Look.  There I go again sounding like a dime novel.  But her entire attitude and approach to life – the sheer hypocrisy of it all – just really gets my goat.   Consider the following excerpt from the book which refers to a State Trooper who pulled her over for an illegal joy ride on a snow machine:

“It was Christmas Day;  we were out in the middle of nowhere, a couple of kids on a snowmachine up against a big dude with a gun and a badge.  I couldn’t help but wondering about his priorities, if he really didn’t have more important things to do, like catching a bad guy, or helping a poor old lady haul in her firewood for the night.  Looking back, maybe that was my first brush with the skewed priorities of government.”  Page. 18

And that, dear Margaret, sums up my issue with Sarah Palin and so many others like her.  They are so quick to look for the “bad guys” in everyone else never seeing the one staring back at them in the mirror each morning.

Here’s hoping Chapter Two has something worth writing about because I’ve only got a few years left on this earth and I hate that even a few hours are being wasted on this exercise in fertility. Pun intended.  I mean it.  Really.

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