Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 6, 2012

Pink Razors


HELEN:

Margaret, do you remember how angry we were the day we finally realized that women’s legs are not harder to shave than men’s faces, but rather razors made for women can’t hold a candle to those made for men? And the women’s razors are more expensive to boot. I’d like to meet the asshats at Gillette and give them a piece of my mind. Did they really think we wouldn’t mind just because they made the razors pink?

And speaking of pink, this whole mess with Komen should be a wake-up call to women everywhere. Komen knew damn well that this had nothing to do with mammograms and everything to do with politics. They just thought we wouldn’t notice because the ribbons were pink. They knew what they were getting when they hired Karen Handel. She ran for office in Georgia with a campaign promise to close down Planned Parenthood. Exactly what women’s health clinics did they think we women were using for years before we started racing for a cure? Did they think that the millions of us who had gone to Planned Parenthood before we had health insurance (and even after) weren’t aware of the services we were provided? Trust me. When you go to a place and have a doctor poke around your hoo-ha, you pay attention.

Nancy Brinker, shame on you. You honestly thought your fellow women were so stupid that we would think your reason for defunding Planned Parenthood was somehow different than the never-ending cry for defunding that comes from the far right every election cycle? Well I am here to tell you that it is bad enough when it comes from the male-dominated, testosterone-filled legislatures. But when it comes from a supposedly apolitical women’s health organization, it’s unforgiveable. Your original intent when you started this organization was noble and I commend you. But honey, you have lost your way. So much so that you were willing to put tens of thousands of women in harm’s way because the Republican party wants to keep women barefoot and pregnant.

I, for one, am tired of pink razors. And I know I speak for millions of women when I say that from now on if you push us, we will push back. From this point forward, when someone says that you fight like a girl, they had better watch out. We girls know how to fight when our backs are against the wall. No longer is it acceptable that we are half the population but only 16% of the Senate, 16% of the House of Representatives and 16% of the Governors. Margaret, did you know that the proportion of women in America’s Congress is about half the average for national legislative bodies throughout the world? Well honey, you and I are not dead yet, and we sure as hell aren’t leaving this world anytime soon if the women’s movement to date has only gotten us this far.

In the past Margaret and I have stood up for Planned Parenthood. But that is no longer good enough. Today, tomorrow and every day that we have left on this planet, we won’t just stand up for them, we will stand up for women everywhere. We will vote for them. We will advocate for them. We will fight for them. And we will start right here. Right now. My grandson tells us that people from all over the nation and even from other countries read this web page blog of ours. Well, I can’t imagine why, but if you are going to read it, then you should use your head for something other than a hat rack and learn a thing or two about the real Planned Parenthood.

Yes. They provide abortion services. Deal with it because they also do so much more and we remember the world before them. It wasn’t pretty.

I called a Board Member for Planned Parenthood in my community and we had a good talk. I found out that even I didn’t know the whole story. And after you read this, I challenge you to do what she asked me to do: inform the uninformed and educate the misinformed.

Planned Parenthood provides healthcare – pap smears, breast and pelvic exams, colposcopies, treatment for sexually transmitted diseases, and birth control for both women and men – most without access to any other health care services. About 97% of their services are for this basic healthcare. If you want to talk about abortion services then you should at least know the truth. Providing that service for women who are faced with that daunting decision accounts for less than 3% of what Planned Parenthood does nationally. Less than three percent. They also provide prenatal care, vasectomies and adoption referrals. One Planned Parenthood clinic does more in a day to prevent abortions than the entire Pro-Life movement does in a year. We might not agree on abortion, but we should at least be able to agree that they should be safe, legal and rare.

If you want to talk about Planned Parenthood then talk about the thousands of uninsured women for whom the doctor or nurse at Planned Parenthood is the only health professional they will see this year. Tell them about the divorced 40-year-old woman who, for the first time, finds herself without health insurance and how she turned to Planned Parenthood to ensure that she is able to maintain her health and wellness. Planned Parenthood has never been just about sex and birth control. It has always been about ensuring women are healthy enough to care for the children they one day may bring into this world. And yes, it is also about making sure they are informed in their decisions not to bring children into this world.

Tell your Tea Party friends what good fiscal sense Planned Parenthood education and prevention programs make – that for every dollar spent providing family-planning services, $4 are saved in Medicaid costs. Remind them that more than one-third of the individuals who seek help from Planned Parenthood make less than $50 a week. That’s right – $50 a week.

If you are going to talk about Planned Parenthood, then at least have the courage to speak the truth. We knew the Komen decision was politically motivated because we know that far right politicians are the ones who continue to spread untruths and misinformation about Planned Parenthood.

Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, and Newt Gingrich all stand ready to restrict a woman’s access to birth control and her right to make her own childbearing decisions. They will cater to the far right and happily deny essential health care to millions of women. The Republican field is united in its determination to overturn Roe v. Wade; to appoint Supreme Court justices supportive of that goal; and to end government funding of any kind to Planned Parenthood for family planning services, cancer screenings and other vital health services provided to low-income women. By the way, Planned Parenthood does not receive government funding for abortions. Although for the life of me, I can’t imagine why not.

Mr. Gingrich has called for punishing judges who make abortion rulings not to his liking. Mitt Romney supported the “personhood” initiative in Mississippi that would have given human fertilized eggs the legal rights and protections that apply to people, and outlawed abortion as well as some of the most widely used forms of contraception and in vitro fertilization. For goodness sakes Rick Santorum, the candidate who won the first primary this year, doesn’t even believe in birth control at all.

If you really, honestly want to reduce abortions in this country, the last thing you want to do is vote for a Republican. If you want to reduce abortions start in your own home by educating your children. Teach your sons to respect women and arm your daughters with information about birth control. If you are so outraged by abortions that your only criteria for a presidential candidate is that he be obsessed with my uterus, then arm your daughters with all the information she needs to protect herself from all those sons who were raised by politicians in Texas and Virginia. And if you really care, make a donation to Planned Parenthood or this other organization called Annie’s List. My grandson says that if you “click” on the underlined words in the previous sentence it will take you to a place you can make a donation on the internet. It couldn’t be any easier than that.

This November, I say we show them what it really means to Fight Like A Girl. Somebody call Gloria Steinem because we’ve got some more balls to bust. I mean it. Really.


MARGARET:

Clicking on those words and you can make a donation? How fancy. I hope they know what to do with yours and my checks when they arrive in the regular old mail. Don’t forget. Stamps have gone up to 45 cents dear. Why isn’t anyone outraged about that? Howard keeps mumbling something about it being privatized.

Click here to support MargaretandHelen

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 2, 2012

The Race for Respect

Margaret, tell Howard he is full of shit. Democrats aren’t trying to take his money. Show me a Republican who makes less than a million a year and I’ll show you a moron who watches Fox News. Newt wants to spout off about a food stamp President and welfare queens which is just another way of saying, “Hey. Who let the black guy into the White House?” And Romney wants us to believe that the poor in America are doing just fine and dandy. Good Lord where did the Republican party dig up these idiots?

Obama isn’t making plans to take your hard-earned money and give it to some poor person who is sitting at home with too many kids just living high on the hog off the government. Despite what Gingrich wants you to think, Obama isn’t a Socialist. I doubt most of the Gingrich voters even know the definition of socialism. After all, it has three more letters in it than Muslim. I do know this – taxes piss everyone off. Nobody likes to be taxed. But we all kind of like our roads, schools, healthcare, national security, law enforcement, energy… Those things represent the majority of what our taxes go to. And speaking of majority, the majority of welfare recipients are children. You know, those precious little bundles of life that the Republican base likes to ignore once the cord is cut.

And now we get to hear it all over again as Mitt and Newt head to Nevada. God help our friends out West. If ever there was a time for things that happen in Vegas to stay in Vegas, this would be it. And you my poor dear, Margaret. Your beautiful state of Maine is also up this week. I’d bake you a sympathy pie, but it won’t be long before the mud-slinging gets to my state as well. At least Perry has been put down.

Mitt and Newt are beginning to bore me. Let’s talk about something else today.

Three cheers for Virginia State Senator Janet Howell who gave the Old White Guys Club a taste of their own medicine. Virginia law makers are trying to pass their own version of the Texas law that requires a woman to have an ultrasound before terminating a pregnancy. Good ‘ole Senator Howell added an amendment that would require men to have a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication. I like how that lady thinks. Considering most of them have their head up their ass, a finger up the butt just might knock some sense into their brain. I wish politicians would figure out how to run the country rather than trying to run my uterus. Am I the only one to notice the hypocrisy of the Republican party? They want smaller government all right… just small enough to crawl up my vagina!

And shame on the Susan G. Komen Foundation for letting some Republican nut case from Georgia convince them to start picking on Planned Parenthood. With men like those Virginia State Legislators in the world, we women need to stick together. The folks at Komen might want to remember that it wasn’t all that long ago that breast cancer was another one of those women’s health issues that was feared and discussed in hushed tones, as if it were shameful. Women should be allowed to make medical decisions with their doctors and not with their politicians. Planned Parenthood is one of the largest providers of breast cancer screenings and mammogram referrals in the nation, and that asshat Karen Handel over at Komen is about to find out that Planned Parenthood is also one of the most trusted names in women’s healthcare. I surely would like to introduce Ms. Handel’s ass to my boot. A boot, I might add, that walked in many a Komen Race for a Cure. Now the only walking I’ll be doing is from my door to my mailbox to drop a check in the mail to Planned Parenthood. Women turning on other women when we already have the likes of Rick Perry to deal with… Well I never.

Maybe we should stop Walking for a Cure and start Walking for Respect. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 23, 2012

The Passion of the Newt

 HELEN:

Margaret, let me see if I get this right. The political party that brought us Family Values now gives us Newt Gingrich? South Carolina likes to say that they elect presidents.  They also elected to keep the Confederate battle flag above their statehouse until this millennium so I kind of question their judgment… or lack thereof.

Let me tell you a little bit about the man who won the hearts and votes of South Carolina’s predominately born-again-evangelical-Republican-family-value voters:

Leroy Newton Gingrich was a Lutheran when he married his high school teacher at the age of 19.  He was a Southern Baptist when he divorced her 18 years later while she was in the hospital recovering from surgery.   A former staff member said that Newt felt she was a political liability because “she’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer.”  Very good reasons I am sure, but I bet the affair he was having with Marianne Ginther had something to do with it as well.  Newt “married” Marianne  in 1981.  I used quotes around that word because according to Marianne, Newt wanted an “open marriage” which is to say his divorces were getting kind of expensive.  Instead of 7 years, Newt’s itch comes around every 18 years because that’s how long he was married to his high school teacher before he had the affair with Marianne, and that’s also how long he was married to Marianne before he began his affair with House of Representatives staffer Callista Bisek.  I assume she asked him to become Catholic because they don’t believe in divorce.

Now she’s a pretty one that Callista.  She is 23 years younger than Newt and so pasty white you can almost see through her, which makes her the perfect wife for a Republican president. They married in 2000 so Callista probably needs to find a lawyer in about 6 years.   That means if Newt gets elected he’ll be well into his next affair  and his next religion in time for his re-election campaign.

Of course all this really is Newt’s private life and I am probably “despicable” for even bringing it up.  But Margaret, I find it odd that Newt takes offense to being asked about his private life when the Republican Party spends so much time worrying about my uterus and your nephew’s gay marriage.  Maybe they should care a little more about what’s going on with all the uteruses (or is it uteri) in Newt’s bedroom and leave the rest of us alone.

To be honest, Newt recently took a pledge to “uphold personal fidelity to [his] spouse”.  He explained that his earlier infidelities were – and I quote – “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country…”  Margaret, I ask you: Is that some good bullshit or isn’t it?  Makes you wonder about Herman Cain’s claim that it was the color of his skin and not where he hid his pepperoni that knocked him out.

But we don’t have to stick to Newt’s private life to find the bullshit.   The man who screwed women because he was passionate about his country, also screwed his country while acting as Speaker of the House.  Eighty-four ethics charges were filed against Gingrich during his term as speaker. After extensive investigation and negotiation by the House Ethics Committee, Gingrich was penalized $300,000 by a 395–28 House vote.   Talk about bipartisanship.  It was the first time in history a speaker was disciplined for ethical wrongdoing.

So here’s how it all stacks up, Margaret.  Herman Cain goes out because he played Newt Gingrich in blackface.  Then Michele Bachmann dropped out because Jesus told her he missed their quiet moments together.    Jon Huntsman dropped out because we already had one Mormon in the race. Rick Perry didn’t mean to run in the first place.  Ooops.   Ron Paul might still have a pulse – somebody check.   But Rick Man on Animal Santorum won Iowa.   And Mitt Today  Pro-Choice Tomorrow Pro-Life Romney won New Hampshire.   And now Newt Does This Tie Go With My Religion? Gingrich won South Carolina.

Three states and three winners so on we go to the land of the hanging chad.  This year’s Republican Primary has a very good chance of winning next year’s Golden Globe for Best Comedy.  I mean it.  Really.

 MARGARET:

Helen, dear, the only thing I know for sure is Newt Gingrich will be one challenging role for that Meryl Streep to play.

Margaret and Helen’s  Cookbook

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 22, 2012

2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

London Olympic Stadium holds 80,000 people. This blog was viewed about 580,000 times in 2011. If it were competing at London Olympic Stadium, it would take about 7 sold-out events for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 20, 2012

John 3:16 or Tom 45:10

Margaret, I really thought Rick Perry would do so much better.  It appears, however, that outside of Texas – the great state that gave us George W. Bush – Rick Perry can’t get above 10 percent.  Worse yet, he can’t even get a little love from Jesus himself.   Rick Perry was going to be the Tim Tebow of the Republican Primary only to be surprised that Jesus loves Tom Brady more than Tim Tebow.  And then to throw salt in the wound, Rick has to find out that Christians gathered in his own backyard to determine that Jesus likes Rick Santorum more than Rick Perry.  I hear, however, that the vote was close.  I guess when it comes to impressing Jesus with how much you hate homosexuals and Planned Parenthood, the Santorum Rick just edges out the Perry Rick.  But then Newt had to come along, a guy  so religious that he’s been a Lutheran, a Southern Baptist and now a Catholic.  I guess he lets his wives pick out his religion along with his ties.  And if you are going to make this about Jesus then little things like the number of wives you divorced in a hospital bed becomes relevant.

If Santorum Rick would just step aside, Newt could surge ahead of Mitt.  Or maybe it’s the other way around?  I don’t know Margaret.   What will Jesus do if he ends up with the Mormon or worse yet, the Libertarian.  My head is spinning and Jesus must be exhausted.

The Morality Play happening within the Republican Party is just ridiculous.   Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass who is the most Christian or whose wife loves him more, and I certainly don’t care how much you hate the sin but love the sinner.  Your morals mean squat to me because they seem to go away once elected.  At this point, the Republicans shouldn’t care if their candidate is a Neo-Paganist as long as he can articulate how to create jobs, reduce poverty, fix our education system and leave the world with one less war not one more.  Imagine how much more we could get done if politicians would just agree to disagree on gay marriage and abortion.  Your church doesn’t want to marry two men… fine.   My church is okay to marry two women… so be it.  Your daughter doesn’t want to have an abortion… no problem.   My daughter decides not to bring another child into the world… that’s between her and her doctor.   When the hell did those two topics become of utmost importance in the political world?

Honestly, Margaret, when is the Republican Party going to pull its collective head out of its collective ass?  When you mix religion and politics, nobody wins.  Stick to mixing Gin and Tonic I say.

Let’s all have a drink because I’m pretty sure it’s not all going to end in South Carolina.  Thanks for stopping by.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 4, 2012

Three Wise Men With Extra Cheese Please

Margaret, isn’t this an amazing country we live in?  Anyone can grow up and run for President no matter how many animals they slept with. Who saw Rick Santorum making that big of a comeback?   I guess the same people who championed Michele Bachman, then Rick Perry, then Herman Cain, then Newton Leroy Gingrich…  Gosh it’s hard to swallow that Romney pill.  Taking Santorum to avoid Romney.   Iowa, are you crazy?

I guess you can’t be all that crazy  because you saw through Rick Perry.   I can only hope that Texans will finally realize what Iowans figured out in a few short months – Rick Perry is all hat and no cattle.  I only wish Rick would stay in Iowa rather than come back to Texas and “assess” the ass-whipping he just took.  The big man from Texas edged out Michele “Jesus Said I Could” Bachmann and Jon “The Other Mormon” Huntsman.  How do Republicans in Texas face themselves in the morning?

But really you do have to like that Michele Bachmann.  What a loveable little loon she is.   Totally clueless and still heading on to New Hampshire.  I like her spunk, but she’s no Sarah Palin. ( I miss putting lipstick on that pig. ) At least you could laugh at Sarah’s stupidity.  With Michele, I just feel sorry for her.  She takes those voices in her head seriously.  And those voices are telling her that people in New Hampshire are stupid enough to vote for her.  She really should give it up and join Cain on the sidelines for some pizza.  I’m pretty sure Perry already placed his order for a large, thin curst with extra crow – oops I meant sausage.

And Newt, honey, politics is a messy business.  It doesn’t matter how many negative ads were run about you.  They didn’t change a thing.   People have thought you were an ass for a long time now.  Go home, honey.  You’ve sold a ton of books.   Go home and give that current wife some new jewelry from Tiffany’s and order yourself a meat lovers to go.

Huntsman who?

So that leaves us with Romney, Paul and Santorum.  Three wise men who couldn’t find a star on a moonless night much less a family of three in a manger.  And even if they could, Romney wouldn’t be able to decide on which star to follow;  Paul would want to argue about the price of  gold, frankincense and myrrh;  and Santorum would be too busy molesting the cattle lowing in the stable.

Folks, let’s get serious.  Since 2008 we’ve reduced our wars by 50%, avoided another Great Depression, advanced women’s rights in the workplace, ended Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and passed a law intended to provide healthcare for the sick and the poor.  Not bad for a Muslim born in Kenya.  Republicans not wanting to re-elect Obama isn’t exactly newsworthy.  They like war and they hate gays, women and those damn government-cheese-sucking poor people.  But wanting to put Rick Santorum in the White House?  He thinks birth control should be outlawed.   Without birth control you’re going to have more government-cheese-sucking poor people.

This is how the Republican Party recovers from nominating Sarah Palin as VP?  Honey, that man-on-dog just don’t hunt.  If this pack is truly the best your party has to offer, maybe you should consider a new party – one where they don’t serve tea.

Forget 2012 and nominate a serious candidate in 2016.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | December 16, 2011

Jesus is the reason for the season…

Margaret, I was going to send you a Happy Holiday wish, but then I watched that debate out of Iowa.  It just took the Merry out of my Christmas.   The Republican Party has more hate and ignorance in its Primary than the entire line-up of Real Housewives of Pick Any City on Bravo.  Let me just go down the line-up for you…

Michele Bachman is crazy.  Just ask the voices in her head.  But you’ve got to give her credit for trying.  No money.  No staff.   No clue.  And yet she’s still out there plugging away.  Bless her heart.

And then there’s that guy from Oz… I mean Texas.    No brains.  No heart.  No Friends of Dorothy.    Rick Perry hates gays.  Just ask him.  He likes Tim Tebow a little too much for my comfort, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a Sunday morning quarterback kind of thing.  You’ve got to give him credit too, however.  He’s trying.    There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but Perry can’t seem to get above ten percent in the polls with all those God-fearing, good Republicans out there in Iowa.

Which brings us to that pizza guy.  When everyone went soft on Perry, it looked like Herman Cain would rise like pizza dough to the occasion – something that tends to get him in trouble..   Now that Herman has what we used to call the wandering eye – and not the kind that can be corrected with glasses. He’s got the kind that eventually catches up to you when you run for political office.  (But speaking of glasses, I really liked the pair Barbara was wearing on her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011. Of course when Donald Trump glowed on, I thought maybe it was a rerun from 1984. But that’s another story for another time.)  Herman Cain was on the show and that’s who I want to talk about. Before he sang Barbara a little song, ole’ Herman told her he couldn’t prove it, but he was pretty sure he was attacked by the media because he was a black Republican. Well, he’s half right. Republicans don’t really like blacks. In fact that political party is about as diverse and tolerant as an audience at a Celtic Women’s concert.  But again that’s another story.   As a Black Republican, Cain’s pizza was never getting out of the box.  But the media didn’t report on that.  What they did report on was the other problem with Cain – the one that had nothing to do with the color of his skin.   It had to do with how his pepperoni kept landing in places it didn’t belong. Honestly though, with as much time as the Republican party tries to get involved with a woman’s uterus, you have to wonder why a little touchy-feely is so offensive to them.  But about that black thing.   I can’t figure it out either.

So Cain got ousted and in walked Newton, the whitest and meanest politician north, south, east and west of the Pecos.  I hear he shoots his ex-wives when they get out of line or go into the hospital for cancer treatment.  But again, another story for another time.  Newton Leroy Gingrich grew up Lutheran became a Southern Baptist, and eventually converted to Catholicism.  Now that’s a whole lot of religion packed into one person.   No wonder the Republicans like him so much.  But Newt is exactly what those Tea Party Republicans say they don’t want – a fat cat politician.  The only people who made more money screwing the government than Newt were Goldman and his son-in-law Sachs – two Jews.  Go figure.   Newt doesn’t want to be President.  He wants to sell books and give speeches.   Honestly. Can we just move on? Republicans can’t elect Newt because they can’t raise taxes enough to afford his salary.

And so you have Willard Mitt Romney.  Both of them.  The Republicans really, really, really want to vote for the Romney who is tough on immigration, against abortion and can’t stand Obamacare.   Unfortunately they have an issue voting for the Romney who is soft on immigration, votes pro-choice and believes in universal healthcare.   And we can’t forget about that Mormon thing.   Is he a Christian or isn’t he?  Maybe one is and one isn’t.  Maybe he could borrow one of Newt’s religions.

But thank goodness there’s always Jon Huntsman.  He’s still in it, right?  Someone should research that.  Is he still in it?   Oh, but wait.  Huntsman is a Mormon too.  Darn those religious prerequisites.  Thank goodness Newt still has one religion to spare.

So really that just leaves us with Rick Santorum and Ron Paul.   One is fascinated with a dog having sex with a man and the other looks like a dog had sex with a man.  You know.  I really don’t have a problem with that.

Shame on me.   That was cruel.   A woman with an ass as fat as mine, shouldn’t be making fun of the way people look.  Mr. Paul, I’m sorry.  I went for a laugh and that was wrong of me.  In truth, you’re the guy who scares me the least.  Probably because you have no chance of winning and you’re the candidate most likely to run as a third-party candidate if you don’t win the GOP nomination.  That could be detrimental to the likely Republican nominee if you pull too much support from Republican voters who can’t decide between Willard Mitt Romney or Willard Mormon Romney.

I guess it’s  Merry Christmas after all, Margaret.   And a Happy New Year.   Thanks for stopping by.

And welcome home to our returning troops.   We’re proud of you.   I mean it really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family 2011

Dear Family,

We lost your Grandpa this year and suddenly everyone wants to be together for the holidays.   Well isn’t that just the shit.   I hope you all learned your lesson.  Treasure your family while they are still here – not after they are gone.  Life is a series of lessons.  Pay attention.

Now about Thanksgiving… Your Aunt Trudy thinks that just because Thanksgiving dinner is at her house this year, I am not in charge.  Well bless her heart.  Here are the rules:

  1. This year Cloe’s jello crap is fine by me.  Trudy’s gravy is always a little thin for my taste.  A little jello might thicken it up a bit.
  2. I respect the cook, but 99% of us respect good food even more. I reserve the right to occupy the kitchen and add an extra stick or two of butter to any dish that doesn’t meet with my satisfaction. And for the record,  pepper spray belongs in the kitchen not on college campuses.
  3. I respect the debate, but I reserve the right to grab a bar of soap if I hear  Bill O’Reilly nonsense coming out of your mouth.
  4. You can never have enough paprika in the kitchen.
  5. Mary and Rhonda, feel free to bring the children and the pets.  Harvey hasn’t let Trudy buy new furniture since 1978.  No one will notice an extra stain or two.
  6. Trudy – if I have told you once, I have told you a hundred times – add the bacon and the grease.  Everything tastes better cooked in bacon grease.
  7. Jonathan.  Your Republicans have made fools enough of themselves already.  Don’t add to the idiot parade by claiming you have liked Newt all along.  You liked Michele until Perry came along.  You liked Perry until he said oops.   And you liked Cain until he groped your wife.   It’s just a matter of time until Newt steps in it too.  For goodness sakes, his shoes still stink from the last time he ran.   Like it or not honey, Romney is taking you to the Prom.
  8. Nobody does deviled eggs correctly.  You have to use vinegar.
  9. Nobody does Republican presidential debates correctly.  You have to use your brain.
  10. Marshall.  Your children can’t sing.  There I said it and I am not taking it back.
  11. Bacon.   Trudy, you just have to trust me on this.  Bacon.

Your Grandpa Harold knew you loved him.   Let’s just be thankful we had him as long as we did.  Happy Thanksgiving.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 31, 2011

Who has the better bouffant?

Margaret, what kind of moron thinks that God destroys entire towns and kills people with a hurricane because politicians in Washington are being disagreeable? What kind of moron? The kind with the bouffant hairdo and a Minnesota accent. Honestly, if God worked that way, Irene would have headed inland towards Minnesota’s 6th Congressional District.

And speaking of bouffants, did anyone catch Rick Perry discussing abstinence? Evidently it works for him personally. I bet Anita is relieved. But I call bullshit. You don’t go to Texas A&M and make mediocre grades unless you’re spending too much time in the girl’s dormitory… or in Perry’s case the large animal vet school. I bet the cows have an opinion about Perry’s abstinence. And considering how easily he switched from Democrat to Republican, somebody might want to speak to a few of the bulls too. 

I just don’t understand how so many stupid things can come out of their mouths considering how often they claim to be speaking for the Lord. Maybe each one needs to see a doctor about the voices in their head. I mean honestly, Margaret, these two manage to speak out of their mouths – both sides – and their ass without taking a breath… or a shit. Now see if you can follow the bouncing jackass:

  • Rick Perry wants Texas to secede because Washington has gotten too big.
  • Rick Perry takes $17 Billion in federal stimulus dollars.
  • Rick Perry uses those dollars to generate a whole bunch of new government jobs in Texas.
  • Rick Perry celebrates the state’s job growth in hopes that we’ll send him to Washington.

If he makes it to the White House, I’ll be the first to pick up where he left off in the Texas secession campaign.

And then there’s Michele, who doesn’t have the common sense God gave a goose.  A couple of year’s ago, she decided that God’s green earth doesn’t need to stay green when she told folks, “Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” Maybe she inhaled a little too much of that hairspray that keeps her hair so high.

Good Lord. This is the best the Republican Party has to offer? I think Texas has had it’s fair share of Presidents and Minnesota needs to just be satisfied with its largest ball of twine. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 1, 2011

You Get What You Vote For

Margaret, religion and politics are suffering from the same thing – Certainty.

Neither should have any and yet if you listen to the yahoos in the Tea Party you’ll quickly learn that they are full of certainty. Full of shit is more like it.

Religion is simply a matter of faith. Nothing more. You believe even without certainty. Therein lies the true beauty of religion.

And politics requires compromise. A politician acting with certainty is a politician representing a constituency of one. Once you have two or more, compromise must eventually come into play.

Michele Bachmann can keep on talking to God. Rick Perry can get down on his knees. Neither will make a difference because neither knows anything about faith or compromise. And they sure as hell don’t know a damn thing about the constitution.

Those fools can keep on mixing politics with religion. I’ll stick to mixing gin with tonic. Ten bucks says my way is better.

You get what you vote for. I mean it. Really.

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