Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 14, 2012

Two Wrongs Make a Right Wing Republican Ticket

HELEN:
Margaret, I remember what it was like to be Mrs. Harold Philpot rather than Helen Philpot. In fact, I still sign my checks that way. Mrs. Harold Philpot. Despite what people like Rush Limbaugh will tell you, it wasn’t about not wearing a bra and being a slut. It was about being equal to a man in every aspect. We didn’t fight for women’s rights because we hated men. In fact, there were many, many honest and noble men who joined our fight. That’s why I married Harold and was happy to be Mrs. Harold Philpot. We saw the world in a similar way, him and me. And when we didn’t, we found a way to agree to disagree. We had different beliefs about some big things, and there were even times when we went into the voting booth and pulled different levers. But we still found a way to coexist. Harold was a good man. Except when it came to football. Then he could be a real horse’s ass.

And speaking of a horse’s ass, Romney picked a Vice-Presidential nominee. They say Romney needed to pick a conservative like Paul Ryan to distinguish himself from Obama. I’m not sure why. Romney and Obama look nothing alike. I mean they look nothing alike on paper. Obama campaigned on universal healthcare and then delivered universal healthcare. Romney hates government controlled healthcare. Obama was pro-choice and then he became President and was still pro-choice. Romney is pro-running for President. That Obama even ran as a black man and wouldn’t you know it – he’s still a black man. Romney is a white guy. Which is probably why so many people in the Tea Party are so excited about the Romney/Ryan ticket – neither are black.

I’m sorry, Margaret. That was low… even for me. Obama’s color has nothing to do with it. He’s black. So what. In contrast to Obama, Romney is a man of many colors.

Nope. He’s just a white guy.

What I meant to say is that Romney is white but he has a coat of many colors. No, that’s not right either. That was Donny Osmond. Margaret, what is that expression about a horse of many colors? You know. The one that means you can’t trust Romney any farther than you can throw him?

I can’t think of the expression right now, but what I am trying to say is that you can’t throw Romney very far. He’s too rooted to his principles and an unwavering commitment to his beliefs. Like the way he was pro-choice and now is not because it would prevent him from being a Republican president. And how he believed that government-controlled healthcare was needed and now it isn’t because it would prevent him from being a Republican president. And how he was proud of his record at Bain Capital but only the good stuff. If anything bad happened it was on a day when he called in sick…

Two faced! That’s what I meant to say. It had nothing to do with the color of his face or his coat at all. And I am not even sure why I was thinking about a horse.

When you have as many faces as Mitt Romney, you can understand why he might pick somebody as truly unwavering as Ryan. I mean this guy is solid. Abortion? No way. Throw that woman in jail. In cases of rape? Who cares. Incest? Doesn’t matter. Mother’s life in jeopardy? Screw the mother. The Catholic Church says no, so Ryan says no. And then there’s that age-old Catholic stance on screwing the poor… oops. I guess his convictions to his belief system only go so far considering 62% of the cuts in his budget plan are for programs for the poor. When that child comes into the world be sure and take away healthcare, food, early childhood education. Anything that costs money. That’s not in the budget. Just get that baby here and forget about it. A man of principle with an unwavering commitment to the Catholic Church… I mean his beliefs… I mean the spreadsheet. Now I know why I was thinking about a horse. Paul Ryan is a horse’s ass.

If you are a woman under the age of 39, you might want to trust me on this one. Never vote for a horse’s ass. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:
If I recall, Helen, you were under the age of 39 for about 59 years. Howard says that the expression about a horse changing its colors is a racing term and you should just stick to what you know. I’m not sure about this Ryan fellow, but Howard sure likes him. Of course, Howard’s a numbers guy too. The last thing I need is another budget in my life. I haven’t had a new coat in 40 years much less a coat of many colors.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 9, 2012

The GOP could learn something from the gays – stop worrying about what my vagina is doing.

HELEN:

Margaret, religion isn’t the only thing that shouldn’t get into bed with politics…just ask Nancy Brinker. It certainly doesn’t erase all the good work and noble intentions that went into Komen, but Nancy should never have hired that idiot Republican, Karen Handel, in the first place. You didn’t need to call references to know what you were getting with that one for geeminy sakes. I hope those angry old men over at the GOP are paying attention. If women didn’t allow breast cancer to defund Planned Parenthood, we’re sure as hell not going to let John Boehner & Company get away with it.

If Planned Parenthood is so bad, how come millions of women choose them for healthcare? Who do you think a woman should consult with about her healthcare? A doctor or a politician? And who should make the decision about ending a pregnancy – the woman who realizes now is not the time to bring a child into the world or Rick Perry who humiliates and traps women into having an unwanted child and then denies those same women and children healthcare and a decent education after the delivery? I declare, let’s move on already. This war on women has done nothing but get in the way of good people who are just trying to do the best that they can with what life gives them.

Honestly, I am asking all those Republicans out there who read my little web page blog to once and for all stand up and answer me honestly: Regardless of whether you think abortion is right or wrong, do you really want your government taking away that choice from a woman? I’ll bet dollars to donuts that, other than a few misogynistic nut cases, most Americans really think this is a personal and private decision to be made between a woman, her family and her doctor. It’s not about being pro-life or pro-choice. It’s about being open-minded enough to realize that God’s answer to you might be different from the answer he gives to me. If Republicans want to win more elections, they need to take a lesson from the gays and just leave my vagina alone.

To the Republican Party, I say: You can’t have it both ways… unless you’re Mitt Romney. Either you want a smaller government or you don’t. So will that be one lump or two with your cup of tea? You bunch of asshats. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Helen, finally we completely agree on something. Let’s move on and get politics back to what it is supposed to be about – death, taxes and sex scandals.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 2, 2012

I morally object to being morally objectionable to Republicans.

 HELEN:

Margaret, my late husband Harold was a sports fan but he hated the Olympics. He said if your score included style points then it wasn’t a sport, it was a show.  He still watched the Olympics though. I guess there was just enough sport in between the show to keep him interested. But when it came to gymnastics and figure skating he turned the channel. He used to say, “If you want to make it a sport put all the skaters  or gymnasts on the floor and tell them to do flips. No scores. No judges. Last one standing wins.”   I, however, love the Olympics.  I think those Brits probably would like a few more medals, but they do put on a good show… even if the Queen couldn’t be bothered to pay attention.   Funny how we went from Obama and Romney all the time to suddenly two weeks of Michael Phelps all the time.  It’s been a nice break.

But while the Olympics will be over in a week, the Republican war on women rages on.  The Affordable Care Act is finally making birth control, paps smears, breast exams and even breast-feeding supplies at least as affordable as Viagra.  But Republicans were already putting forth bills to reverse that action.  While the rest of us were watching the American women’s gymnastics team win gold,  Denny Rehberg,  a Republican Congressman from Montana,  released a labor, health and education spending bill  that would defund Planned Parenthood, block the implementation of the Affordable Care Act,  and allow any employer to deny women birth control coverage for “moral reasons”.  It would also increase spending for abstinence-only education.   And then there is Missouri Republican Senator Roy Blunt who has a  bill to allow insurance plans to opt out of the requirement on contraception coverage if they have moral objections.

An insurance plan can have moral objections?  So corporations can vote and insurance plans can find me morally objectionable.  What’s next?  Fast food companies can make kids gay?  No wait.  I’m getting confused.  I’m old.  It happens.

Yes.  Not having sex is an alternative to taking birth control pills.  But then again not eating fatty foods is an alternative to open heart surgery.  Anyone have a moral objection to insurance companies covering Cheney’s bypass… es… what’s the plural for bypass?

You know what?  I have a moral objection.   I object to the Republican party deciding that a separation of church and state doesn’t apply to their churches.  Last time I checked, my church didn’t have a problem with birth control and wasn’t trying to force anyone to use it or not use it. If Blunt and Rehberg object to birth control they can certainly start abstaining anytime they wish.  Something tells me their wives already have. I have yet to see any law passed by Democrats that forces Blunt and Rehberg to eat cottage cheese.

Maybe it’s just me, Margaret, but I smell a rat.  In the name of God, love of country and apple pie, the Republican Party’s biggest criticism is that  President Obama is making healthcare affordable.  They can’t even call it The Affordable Care Act.  They have to call it Obamacare.   What does Obamacare even mean?   Sure sounds like “I hate poor people” to me.  But I don’t always hear well at my age.  Maybe it just means “I don’t like a black man as President.”  Because I can’t for the life of me understand how else you explain their constant whining about taking care of the old and the poor.  I thought that doing otherwise was the morally objectionable thing.

Oh well.  Back to the Olympics.  Maybe the gymnasts from Great Brittain can get that Queen of theirs to crack a smile.  She’s beginning to remind me a little of Dick Cheney.  I mean it. Really.

 MARGARET:

I don’t understand it either, dear.  The idea of politics not getting into bed with religion is a pretty simple one.  But lately religion and politics aren’t comfortable with anybody getting into bed with anyone.  Even Howard and I eventually gave up our twin beds.  Now about the Olympics, I am afraid I can’t help you there.  Howard and I don’t watch them either.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 29, 2012

You’re Damn Right Obama Cares. Why Doesn’t Romney?

 HELEN:

Margaret, a few months back I joked with you about Dick Cheney having a heart transplant.  If you recall I told you it should be called a heart implant because he didn’t actually have a heart to begin with.  Yesterday, I was shocked to discover that Chief Justice John Roberts at some point must have undergone a heart implant as well.  Who would have ever thought he would be the deciding vote on the Affordable Care Act or as I like to call it  – Christianity 101, taking care of the sick and the poor.

The existence of Robert’s heart has been a mystery to me for some time now.  He was the champion of the pro-life movement until he announced that Roe vs. Wade was “settled law”.  Then he voted against the Arizona immigration law and I began to think I could hear a faint beat coming from his chair.    Of course he also took a piece of his rib and breathed life into inanimate corporations so creating a heart from nothing is certainly possible if not probable for him.  It does appear that his new heart implant might be taking hold while Dick Cheney’s is extremely unlikely.  But I am not yet ready to test that theory when it comes to a woman’s right to a safe, legal abortion.

And lest you think yesterday’s ruling has nothing to do with abortion, let me remind you what that orange speaker of the house said just before Congress took the vote on this bill:

“A ‘yes’ vote for this government takeover of health care is a ‘yes’ vote for sending hard-earned tax dollars to pay for abortions.”

Now Margaret, I know you hate that I write so frequently about this issue because it brings out the crazies – or as you now like to call them – the asshats.  But what might be “settled law” for Roberts is far from settled for the Religious Wrong who have high-jacked the Republican Party.

Many people will tell you that the Tea Party is about fiscal conservatism, I say bullshit.  It might have been at one point, but today it is an all-out war on women.  The only interest the Tea Party has in making government smaller is that a smaller government will more easily fit in a woman’s vagina.  Oh goodness. I said that nasty word again. Someone should ban me from this webpage blog.

Tea Party-backed GOP candidates—Nevada’s Sharron Angle, Delaware’s Christine O’Donnell, Colorado’s Ken Buck, Kentucky’s Rand Paul, Alaska’s Joe Miller, Minnesota’s Michele Bachmann, and New York’s Carl Paladino to name a few – while not all elected to office all believe that abortion should be illegal even in the case of rape or incest.  When Sharron Angle was asked about it she said, “I think that two wrongs don’t make a right” and went on to advocate turning “a lemon situation into lemonade.”  That’s right honey. Your uterus is Sharon’s lemonade.  Well that’s one recipe that won’t be in my cookbook and now that’s one image I fear I won’t be able to get out of my mind. I’d like to punch Sharon Angle right in her lemonade stand.

They couldn’t get Santorum so now the  Tea Party will settle for Romney.  That’s right, the devil himself, the man who invented Romneycare which led to Obamacare is suddenly acceptable because he is a recent convert to the pro-life movement. Mitt Romney supports the “personhood” initiative that would give human fertilized eggs the legal rights and protections that apply to people, and outlaw abortion as well as some of the most widely used forms of contraception and in vitro fertilization.  Eggs are people.  Corporations are people.  Women, evidently, are not.

Of course, if you want more proof there is my favorite Tea Party Poster Child – Rick Perry – the governor of my great state of Texas.  In the war on women, here’s your General.  This guy must have a pecker the size of a peanut because that is the only reason I can give for his unnatural hatred of women.  Is my description of him too much you ask?  Well let me cook you up you some food for thought:

Texas has several peanut-pecker laws that make access to healthcare more difficult, more expensive and more degrading for women.  Texas requires that abortions after 16 weeks take place in licensed ambulatory surgical centers even though there is no medical reason for that.  The only reason is that ambulatory surgical centers are expensive and therefore hard to come by especialy in many rural communities where healthcare facilites are controlled by the Catholic Church.  Texas also requires that you make two visits to the clinic in order to obtain an abortion.  The first one is for an ultrasound and then you must have 24 hours of mandated reflection.  Your doctor by law must also describe to you in detail how black your soul will become after the procedure as well as provide you with factually inaccurate information such as abortions cause breast cancer. That law was ironically called the Women’s Right To Know Act just in case women thought they were in a Starbuck’s instead of a Planned Parenthood.   That means that most women, especially poor women in rural communities must travel several hours and take off from work not one, but often two days.  I know. I know.  It’s such an important decision and women are so stupid that they would practically fall out of their boudoir and into a Planned Parenthood for their daily abortion if Rick Perry didn’t save them from their own vaginas.  The latest Perry attack? If Planned Parenthood in Texas gets any family planning money from the Federal Government, then no women’s health clinic in Texas will get family planning funding.  We’re throwing the fetus out with the bath water.  This guy is a real jackass.

In truth, the poorest among us, the ones least likely to afford an unwanted child, the ones most likely to have agonized over this decision, and the ones most likely to have found themselves pregnant as a result of abuse – those women are the least equipped to afford additional fees,  travel any distance from their families, and take off any time from their work.  Four hungry kids at home…a husband without a job… you’re working in the morning as a hotel maid and in the evening as a waitress to make ends meet?  Ole’ Rick doesn’t care.  He just wants to make sure he can deny another child that expanded Medicaid funding he just sued the Federal Government over.

Mr. Speaker, read my lips – “ NO MORE VAGINA LAWS”.   Margaret, forgive me.   I know that last sentence was more than you could stand.  But war is hell honey.  Today we won the battle, but the war is far from over.

If you’re a woman voting Republican in the next election, just shoot yourself in your lemonade stand right now and save yourself some time.  I mean it really.

 MARGARET:

I have always enjoyed that you speak your mind, dear.  It’s just that the asshats are mad enough already.  Do we need to rattle their cage more?  Of course, I do live in Maine and it’s a little more civilized up here.  I guess it’s the heat in Texas.  Have some lemonade and find some shade.  Oh goodness.  I guess you better make that iced tea.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 21, 2012

Vagina is a 6 Letter Word

 HELEN:

Margaret, for the life of me I cannot understand how Republican politicians can be so  fixated on telling women what we can and cannot do with our bodies but then be so incensed that we would actually use the medically correct term to describe our front butt.  Yes.  Front butt is what my granddaughter called it until her mother instructed her to call it by the more appropriate term, pee pot.  I, of course, corrected both of them and called it her num num.  Of course I’m being silly Margaret, but this war on women that the Republican Party has waged has risen to the level of absurdity.

It’s a vagina.  I have one.  154 million Americans have one.  197,000 soldiers have one.  111,000 police officers have one with a badge.  When surveyed, all the Republican women who hold elected office reported having a vagina. I’m pretty sure Sarah Palin has a red, white and blue one. I honestly can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Ann Coulter’s vagina but I am quite certain Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s ate a rat on national tv.

Sometimes we call it a hoo ha, but really if Representative Brown had said hoo ha when discussing a piece of Republican legislation written to limit a woman’s access to a safe, legal abortion, I think women everywhere would have been embarrassed for her.  I admit that my generation for many years denied its existence but eventually the women’s movement taught us that the correct term for our privates was in fact vagina.

For the record men don’t have one.  They talk a great deal about them and pass a whole lot of legislation pertaining to them, but at the end of the day they have a wee wee not a hoo hoo.  Newt Gingrich has cheated on at least two vaginas that I know of, but I think he refers to them as ex-boxes.  Rush Limbaugh hates vaginas, but rumor has it he smuggles Oxycontin in his maid’s vagina so I guess he just calls it a pill box.  Mitt Romney used to call them vaginas and actually gave them all the rights and privileges afforded to them under the law but now he simply refers to them as votes he has alienated.

For the record, my vagina pays taxes. My vagina is registered to vote.  This year about 8 million more voting booths will have vaginas in them than talleywhackers, which is odd because the United States still ranks 70th in terms of vaginas in elected office. Vaginas comprise 52% of the population in the United States yet vaginas only hold a quarter of elected offices.  I think maybe it’s time for A Million Vagina March. Does anyone else agree?

If Republicans don’t like the word vagina then maybe they shouldn’t pass laws that force women to have unnecessary transvaginal ultrasounds before seeking an abortion.  I guess Rick Perry didn’t realize that vaginal refers to vagina, but then again he went to Texas A&M so we’re lucky if he can spell vaginal much less realize it refers to a vagina.

A good many of American vaginas have been to a Planned Parenthood clinic and the vast majority of them weren’t there for an abortion.   Some of them needed birth control.  Some of them needed an annual exam.  Most of them didn’t have health insurance.

I’m sorry Margaret. I know that I am making you uncomfortable with all this talk about lady parts.  But my vagina is now over 80 years old and it is pretty damn tired of a bunch of jackass politicians treating it like a second-class body part.  I heard Representative Brown participated in a reading of the Vagina of Monologues outside the Michigan Statehouse.  Well I say good for her.  Here is My Vagina Monologue:  My vagina is an octogenarian. It won the right to vote in 1920.  In 2012 my vagina is going to put that right to good use.  I mean it.  Really.

 MARGARET:

You’re not making me uncomfortable dear.  I have always called it a vagina.  My mother called it her gift.  Howard calls it Around Town Sally Brown which I have never understood.  No.  I am with you on this one Helen.  I would be all for a Million Vagina March as long as it doesn’t go too far and I am home in time for my programs.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 4, 2012

Am I wearing orange colored glasses or did John Boehner just pretend to care about women?

Margaret, the Republicans are trying to get into my vagina again.  I wish I knew what was up there that they find so interesting.  This time it was about sex-selective abortions with a bill sponsored by Trent Franks of Arizona.  In spite of the pressing issues with the economy, Speaker of the House John Boehner justified Congress spending more time worrying about a woman’s womb by saying, “This is an important issue to the American people. This type of sex selection most Americans find pretty repulsive, and our members feel strongly about it. That’s why it is being brought to the floor.”  Am I wearing orange colored glasses or did Boehner just pretend to care about women?

Yes.  It is repulsive. I agree.  But then again so are most of the “Housewives” shows on Bravo, and Congress hasn’t passed any laws about that.

The bill never had a chance.  Once again this was another Republican with an axe to grind  against Planned Parenthood just wasting Congress’s time by forcing a vote to get on record who supports abortion and who doesn’t.  As if we didn’t already know by looking through the gun scope crosshairs on Sarah Palin’s rifle.  The Republican party caring about women?  Margaret, that dog just don’t hunt.

In truth, this is a tricky one.  Of course the idea of preferring a male child over a female child is archaic and sex-selective abortions should be repulsive to most Americans – if not all.  But once again the Republicans missed the point entirely and created a bill that clearly was just another attempt to limit a woman’s right to decide when or if she will bring a child into the world. I wonder how these same men would vote if the law was about sexual preference-selection instead of just gender selection?

The law (which didn’t pass) was purposely written so that a woman’s husband or parents, by merely alleging that an abortion is because of gender, could seek injunctive relief to prevent the doctor from performing abortion procedures, and once again the women finds herself in courst about an incredibly private and personal decision.  Boehner and his group give very little credit to the woman.  Just like waiting-periods, invasive transvaginal sonograms, right-to-know laws, and personhood amendments, they got this one wrong too.

Goodnight can’t we just move on already?  We get it.  Republicans want to make sure that no woman anywhere for any reason can have an abortion.  Some even want a restriction on birth control of any kind.  Well I have a solution.  Republican men should refrain from having sex of any kind.  I bet the number of abortions would drop dramatically.  And on a side note, I imagine many women could finally get a good night’s sleep.

A sex-selective abortion is just the symptom.  The actual problem is a sex-selective society where men like Boehner and other Republican leaders continue to make women second-class citizens.  Many of the bill’s supporters have rejected equal pay for women and have tried to slash funding for programs that serve women and children.

Create a society where women – and all people – truly are equal and this problem goes away.  But that really never was the intent of this bill.  I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 30, 2012

In the Republican Party the American Dream is Just an Oxycontin Hallucination

 HELEN:

Margaret, only in America can a white, Christian woman grow up to marry a white, Christian man and live in a lovely home and shop at a Piggly Wiggly.  Maybe I should run for President.  Of course I would need to go back to school and get a degree from Harvard or Yale first.

Now I thought the American public was smarter than this…   Or maybe they are but the Republican base is just messing up the grading curve.  Dress him however you want, but Romney is a rich son of a bitch.  Period.  He can talk all he wants about “Only in America…” but honest to God doesn’t anyone in the Republican Party see the irony in that?  Only in America?  He should say In America Only a wealthy guy in a business suit can get the Republican nomination.   For Christ’s sake, the other guy is a black man raised by a single white woman.  He’s a Christian mulatto who gets confused for a Kenyan Muslim. Now there’s your Only in America story.  And evidently only in the Democratic Party as well.

I don’t have issues with a poor man becoming wealthy any more than I do with a wealthy man becoming President.  But is that all you’ve got?  Mitt’s father’s family was temporarily poor during the depression?  Get in line. His Dad had a pet pony named Monty.   Wow.  Life was real a pile of shit for that guy.  Who names their pony Monty?

Mitt Romney is George Bush all over again. Wealthy kid of a wealthy politician who has no earthly idea what it means to make the money stretch from one paycheck to another…  Only in America my ass.  Only in the Republican Party is more like it:

Only in the Republican Party can a college dropout, married four times with no children call women sluts for using birth control. Maybe the addiction to Oxycontin made Rush sterile?

Only in the Republican Party can a blonde with big feet claim the widows of the 9/11 attacks “enjoyed their husbands’ deaths” and then go on to be a NY Times best-selling author and conservative analyst for Fox News.

Only in the Republican Party can an idiot from Alaska run for Vice President on a platform of abstinence only while keeping an early pregnancy test strip in her purse for when the kids want an after school snack.

Only in the Republican Party can Newt Gingrich, divorced twice (cheated thrice?),  give stump speeches about the sanctity of marriage.

Only in the Republican Party can John Boehner and Donald Trump get their skin that orange.

And only in the Republican Party can Mitt Romney claim to be an example of the American Dream. Of course, in this case the dream is that a pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, liberal governor from Massachusetts grew up to become the conservative nominee for the Republican Party.

Honey, I’m not scared of Romney.  I’m scared of the idiots who vote for him.  I mean it. Really.

 MARGARET:

Only in America will they sell you a sour cream on Monday that has an expiration date on Tuesday.  Now how am I going to use an entire pint of sour cream in less than a day?  And how can you even tell when sour cream has gone bad?  But you know what I say?  When life gives you too much sour cream, make a sour cream coffee cake.  Turn off the news and let’s put that in the cookbook, dear.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 11, 2012

Mitt Happens

  HELEN:

Margaret, I just called my friend Patricia to apologize for dipping her hair into that inkwell back in grade school.  I feel bad that I did it and I feel even worse that she no longer remembers who I am or that she one time had hair long enough to put in pig tails.  We’re getting old, Margaret.  And you know what else is getting old?  The parade of schmucks who keep running for political office.

The population of the United States is now over 300 million people.   That means that every four years, one person out of 300 million gets the honor of being President of the greatest country on the planet.  With those odds, you would think the Republican Party could have found someone who wasn’t a dry drunk like George W. Bush… or the bully in high school like Mitt Romney.   I know.  I know.  We all did dumb things when we were young.  Youth.  I miss it like I miss my waistline.  Shit happens… or in this case Mitt happened.  “Back in high school, I did some dumb things,” Romney said. “And if anyone was hurt by that or offended, obviously I apologize for that.”   Me too.  I really do feel bad about dipping Patricia’s hair into that ink well.

Mitt went on to say, “There’s going to be some that want to talk about high school. Well, if you really think that’s important, be my guest.”

Thank you Mr. Romney, I think I will.  I think I will talk about this because unfortunately we don’t seem to have solved the problem yet.  Bullying is alive and well today and it is just as inexcusable today as it was 48 years ago.  You can send your wife out to the media to laugh about your “wild and crazy” high school years but I wonder how the two of you would have reacted if one of your sons had done that that had been done to one of your sons.  Wild and crazy?  Yes, actually.  It was.  And it’s even more wild and crazy today that anyone would want to honor you with the highest office in the land. Mitt was the son of a Governor… born into a privileged life.   You can’t tell me he didn’t know any better.

Mitt and a group of his friends threw a younger boy to the ground and hacked off his hair while he cried and screamed for help. The younger student was believed to be a little light in his loafers by the way, but Mitt now claims that he didn’t know he was gay.  As if that really matters.

Mitt led the charge and did the actual hair cutting.  Maybe I am overreacting here, but I think he just might not deserve to be that one person out of 300 million to be President. Believe it or not, lots and lots of people go through their entire school career and never dip another person’s hair in ink or physically abuse another student.

I have said before, I come from a generation that doesn’t really talk much about gay people.  I remember thinking that a perfectly lovely word had been ruined.  Today, however I say, “Gay marriage?”  Why not?  Everyone should be allowed to be with the one they love.  I honestly don’t understand what all the hoopla is about.  If you don’t agree with gay marriage then don’t marry a man who dresses like Rick Santorum or has hair like Mitt Romney.  If you don’t like gay people simply ignore them.  They probably don’t like you either.  If an octogenarian from Georgia can see that, why can’t privileged politicians?

Margaret,  I really don’t think this is about being gay or the sanctity of marriage.  I think this is about common decency and what we should expect from that one person in 300 million who becomes President.  I’ll be the first to admit that I would not make a good president.  If ever an example of who not to elect there was, I certainly fit the bill.  But let’s slow down for just a second here.  He gathered a group of students.  They tackled a younger student and while that student cried and screamed for help, Mitt Romney, the assumed Republican nominee for President, cut off his hair because he didn’t like the way he looked. Does it matter if that student was gay? Would it be worse if he was black? How about if that student were a woman?  I don’t give a rat’s ass if that student were all three.  One in three hundred million.  One.

Maybe I am old school, as they say, but I really don’t think that one is forgettable much less forgivable when you want to become President.

No one is perfect.  But surely we can elect someone more perfect than that.  I mean it really.

  MARGARET:

Helen, dear, I think this all has to do with the length of time little Mitt was allowed to breast feed.  Or maybe he’s just a asshat.  Probably the latter, dear.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | March 5, 2012

Rush saw his shadow today. Six more weeks of stupidity…

Margaret, evidently you and I are sluts, and so are the majority of women who live in this country. Well good for us. I have always said that well-behaved women rarely make history. I have also said that Rush Limbaugh is a big fat pig. Pigs and sluts. Sadly, that’s what this has all boiled down to.

In 2008, the Democratic Party had a tough decision to make. Would we give America its first female President or would we give American its first African-American President? Would we turn the corner on sexism in this country or racism? Would we finally rise above hate and bigotry and make a statement that we truly are the land of the free? Either way, we would profoundly change the world for the better. And that we did. At the same time, over in the Republican camp, that party was trying to decide if you could see Russia from Sarah Palin’s kitchen window.

This year the Republicans have another tough decision to make as well. Will they decide that Mormonism is a cult or will they decide that women who use birth control are sluts? It’s a tough call. But either way we will profoundly change the definition of just how stupid is stupid. God Bless America.

Margaret, the Republicans had a meeting about birth control and didn’t include a single woman – kind of like the Catholic Church but without the funny hats. It’s like inviting Rush Limbaugh to a Jenny Craig convention or like Sarah Palin calling a family meeting and forgetting to bring the early pregnancy test sticks. Why bother?

I’ll bet you a dollar to a donut that most of the Republican men at that meeting have a bottle of Viagra in their medicine cabinet. Why is it so hard to understand that birth control makes for better healthcare for women? And honestly why is it so hard to see that Rush is a college drop out drug addict who – like most addicts – will say anything for a buck. As entertainment that’s comedy gold, but his being a powerful Republican spokesperson ought to tell you just how low the Republican Party has sunk. You just can’t make this kind of bullshit up.

I wish November would get here already so Obama can go back to fixing what’s wrong with this country.

I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | February 10, 2012

100,000 Gay Kids Secretly Watch Ellen

HELEN:

Margaret, I think that religious freedom means that we have freedom for religion as well as freedom from religion.  Now I know you don’t worry about this stuff.  You have never questioned your religion and you never worry about the day you will eventually meet your maker.  I question my religion regularly and worry all the time.  I guess that’s why I have a fat ass and you look like a zipper when you stick your tongue out.  Which reminds me, dear, did you check on that cake recipe I sent you? I am not sure about the ingredients and Betty’s daughter is kind of mad at me about that Komen stuff so I can’t ask her right now.

And speaking of being mad, I watched that sweet Ellen – like I do every day – and discovered that one million mothers are mad at JCPenney and they are trying to get Ellen fired because she is one of those lesbians.  That sweet little girl never did anything but make people laugh and dance a little.  Every time she comes on the TV I have to get up and do a little step doodle-ditty step with her.  I just love her.  Who are these million moms anyway?  Mothers should know better.  Statistically speaking a hundred thousand of those moms are raising a child who secretly watches Ellen and would one day make a fine spokesperson for JCPenney.

All of this hatred in the name of Jesus is alarming.  It’s alarming from a million moms and it is particularly alarming from presidential candidates like Rick Santorum. He was in Texas this week talking about his faith… which always leads him to talk about abortion and gay marriage.  I swear that man worries more about vaginas and who is sleeping with whom than any normal person should.   I don’t think he is right in the head.  He told his audience that his faith is a part of who he is and it will guide him in his presidency.  Well good for him.

There is nothing wrong with a little faith keeping you on the straight and narrow as they say.  But here’s the problem I have when it is the only consideration for a presidential candidate.  My faith guides me too.   And my church has no issue with contraception and understands that sometimes abortion is a moral and scared decision that a women might make in her life.  And every week when I go to my church there are these two women who are raising two beautiful little girls and nobody in my church has an issue with their little family.  I even heard that they all went up to Canada and got married.  Now I get that Rick Santorum’s and Newt Gingrich’s church, the Catholic Church, feels differently about these things.  And I respect that.  But which church should our government follow?  Your church or my church? What about Mitt Romney’s church?

My late husband, Harold, was a Catholic.  He went to mass every Sunday until the day he left this earth.  But I can promise you that he didn’t tell me what I could and couldn’t do with my lady parts and I’m sure as hell not going to let Newt and Rick start telling me now.

And while we are on the subject, let me say a few words about all those Catholic Bishops who say they would prefer to deny healthcare to everyone rather than include coverage for contraception.  That law does not force the church to give birth control to women.  Churches and houses of worship are exempt.  This is about hospitals and universities that serve and employ the broader public, not to mention they receive federal funding.  I am sure those Bishops are clueless about these things but the typical woman spends five years pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, and 30 years trying not to get pregnant.  So you’re telling me that  a bunch of nurses have to resort to the rhythm method for 30 years  just because the hospital they work at has some saint’s name above the door?   If those Bishops get their way a female professor at Notre Dame can’t get insurance coverage for her monthly birth control but her male counterpart can slap down a $15 co-pay and get all the Viagra he wants. Well that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard all day.

I know you think I am over-reacting, Margaret, but you need to understand that it’s not just about the stupidity of some Bishops or the whining of a million clueless moms.  There are real dangers when religion gets into bed with politics.

Gingrich would outlaw all abortion with no exceptions. He signed the Republican candidate pledge which would give all human zygotes from the moment of conception the same rights and constitutional protections as human beings. He would oppose any legislative, judicial or bureaucratic efforts to define marriage as anything other than a relationship between a man and a woman… or in his case a man, a woman and another woman.

Santorum opposes all abortion including abortion for rape victims or for women who would die from continuing a pregnancy.  He considers contraception “dangerous” and favors allowing the states to ban it altogether.  According to Rick, gays are such second class citizens that they don’t deserve the privilege of marriage which is kind of odd considering those gay marriages reduce the number of abortions opting instead to adopt a lot of those unwanted kids.

Romney said Roe v. Wade should be reversed.  He says he would support a federal constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman.   He would allow gays already married to remain married but would bar any new gay marriages.  Those gay marriages are kind of like his view on abortion – at one time they were fine.  Now they are not.

Those are alarming statements and positions because all of them are based on the candidate’s personal religious beliefs and yet all of them would have devastating effects on millions of American citizens who might not share those same beliefs.   I’m pretty sure  letting gay people get married isn’t going to stop Rick Santorum or any of those million moms from following their faith.  And it would be nice if those Bishops would realize having insurance coverage doesn’t mean you have to use birth control.

I wrote once that love is about the heart not the body.  Trust me, if it was about the body a lot of us would be in a world of trouble.  You can’t legislate love between two consenting adults.  You just can’t no matter how hard you try.  If you want to save marriage, marry someone you love.  And if you don’t believe in contraception, don’t use it – and please don’t date my granddaughter.

So to any of those million moms out there who might read this, I say:    Leave Ellen alone.  Ellen hasn’t done anything except bring a little happiness into my world every day at her new time slot of 3:00 now that Oprah is gone.  You would be lucky to have your child grow into such a wonderful young woman as Ellen DeGeneres.

What a week.  On Sunday I went to church. On Monday I made a donation to Planned Parenthood.  And today, I told my son to buy my granddaughter a cute new outfit at JCPenney so that Ellen won’t lose her job.   And, just like you Margaret, I am pretty sure that God and I are right with one another.  I mean it.  Really.

MARGARET:

Well I’ll let you worry about all that, dear.  I am working on that recipe you asked about for the cookbook.  Betty drinks so I question her notes about how much butter to use.  By the way, Ellen comes on at 4:00 here in Maine which makes it hard because Howard likes to eat dinner at 4:30.

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