Margaret and Helen

 HELEN:

Margaret, a few months back I joked with you about Dick Cheney having a heart transplant.  If you recall I told you it should be called a heart implant because he didn’t actually have a heart to begin with.  Yesterday, I was shocked to discover that Chief Justice John Roberts at some point must have undergone a heart implant as well.  Who would have ever thought he would be the deciding vote on the Affordable Care Act or as I like to call it  – Christianity 101, taking care of the sick and the poor.

The existence of Robert’s heart has been a mystery to me for some time now.  He was the champion of the pro-life movement until he announced that Roe vs. Wade was “settled law”.  Then he voted against the Arizona immigration law and I began to think I could hear a faint beat coming from his chair.    Of course he also took a piece of his rib and breathed life into inanimate corporations so creating a heart from nothing is certainly possible if not probable for him.  It does appear that his new heart implant might be taking hold while Dick Cheney’s is extremely unlikely.  But I am not yet ready to test that theory when it comes to a woman’s right to a safe, legal abortion.

And lest you think yesterday’s ruling has nothing to do with abortion, let me remind you what that orange speaker of the house said just before Congress took the vote on this bill:

“A ‘yes’ vote for this government takeover of health care is a ‘yes’ vote for sending hard-earned tax dollars to pay for abortions.”

Now Margaret, I know you hate that I write so frequently about this issue because it brings out the crazies – or as you now like to call them – the asshats.  But what might be “settled law” for Roberts is far from settled for the Religious Wrong who have high-jacked the Republican Party.

Many people will tell you that the Tea Party is about fiscal conservatism, I say bullshit.  It might have been at one point, but today it is an all-out war on women.  The only interest the Tea Party has in making government smaller is that a smaller government will more easily fit in a woman’s vagina.  Oh goodness. I said that nasty word again. Someone should ban me from this webpage blog.

Tea Party-backed GOP candidates—Nevada’s Sharron Angle, Delaware’s Christine O’Donnell, Colorado’s Ken Buck, Kentucky’s Rand Paul, Alaska’s Joe Miller, Minnesota’s Michele Bachmann, and New York’s Carl Paladino to name a few – while not all elected to office all believe that abortion should be illegal even in the case of rape or incest.  When Sharron Angle was asked about it she said, “I think that two wrongs don’t make a right” and went on to advocate turning “a lemon situation into lemonade.”  That’s right honey. Your uterus is Sharon’s lemonade.  Well that’s one recipe that won’t be in my cookbook and now that’s one image I fear I won’t be able to get out of my mind. I’d like to punch Sharon Angle right in her lemonade stand.

They couldn’t get Santorum so now the  Tea Party will settle for Romney.  That’s right, the devil himself, the man who invented Romneycare which led to Obamacare is suddenly acceptable because he is a recent convert to the pro-life movement. Mitt Romney supports the “personhood” initiative that would give human fertilized eggs the legal rights and protections that apply to people, and outlaw abortion as well as some of the most widely used forms of contraception and in vitro fertilization.  Eggs are people.  Corporations are people.  Women, evidently, are not.

Of course, if you want more proof there is my favorite Tea Party Poster Child – Rick Perry – the governor of my great state of Texas.  In the war on women, here’s your General.  This guy must have a pecker the size of a peanut because that is the only reason I can give for his unnatural hatred of women.  Is my description of him too much you ask?  Well let me cook you up you some food for thought:

Texas has several peanut-pecker laws that make access to healthcare more difficult, more expensive and more degrading for women.  Texas requires that abortions after 16 weeks take place in licensed ambulatory surgical centers even though there is no medical reason for that.  The only reason is that ambulatory surgical centers are expensive and therefore hard to come by especialy in many rural communities where healthcare facilites are controlled by the Catholic Church.  Texas also requires that you make two visits to the clinic in order to obtain an abortion.  The first one is for an ultrasound and then you must have 24 hours of mandated reflection.  Your doctor by law must also describe to you in detail how black your soul will become after the procedure as well as provide you with factually inaccurate information such as abortions cause breast cancer. That law was ironically called the Women’s Right To Know Act just in case women thought they were in a Starbuck’s instead of a Planned Parenthood.   That means that most women, especially poor women in rural communities must travel several hours and take off from work not one, but often two days.  I know. I know.  It’s such an important decision and women are so stupid that they would practically fall out of their boudoir and into a Planned Parenthood for their daily abortion if Rick Perry didn’t save them from their own vaginas.  The latest Perry attack? If Planned Parenthood in Texas gets any family planning money from the Federal Government, then no women’s health clinic in Texas will get family planning funding.  We’re throwing the fetus out with the bath water.  This guy is a real jackass.

In truth, the poorest among us, the ones least likely to afford an unwanted child, the ones most likely to have agonized over this decision, and the ones most likely to have found themselves pregnant as a result of abuse – those women are the least equipped to afford additional fees,  travel any distance from their families, and take off any time from their work.  Four hungry kids at home…a husband without a job… you’re working in the morning as a hotel maid and in the evening as a waitress to make ends meet?  Ole’ Rick doesn’t care.  He just wants to make sure he can deny another child that expanded Medicaid funding he just sued the Federal Government over.

Mr. Speaker, read my lips – “ NO MORE VAGINA LAWS”.   Margaret, forgive me.   I know that last sentence was more than you could stand.  But war is hell honey.  Today we won the battle, but the war is far from over.

If you’re a woman voting Republican in the next election, just shoot yourself in your lemonade stand right now and save yourself some time.  I mean it really.

 MARGARET:

I have always enjoyed that you speak your mind, dear.  It’s just that the asshats are mad enough already.  Do we need to rattle their cage more?  Of course, I do live in Maine and it’s a little more civilized up here.  I guess it’s the heat in Texas.  Have some lemonade and find some shade.  Oh goodness.  I guess you better make that iced tea.

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