Dear Family,
This will be my first Thanksgiving without my gallbladder. And I just learned that we have one more special needs eater in the family. I’ll tell you what, this year I will meet you all halfway. I’ll make the same meal I make every year and those of you with vegitarian, vegan and gluten issues can stop eating halfway through the meal. Problem solved.
The other rules around the house will be a little lax this year as well. What can I say? I’m feeling generous.
1. I have new floors. If it’s raining outside, leave your shoes outside. If it’s not raining, leave your shoes outside. Molly, those spikes you call heels better not come near my floors. Leave them at home because if you leave them outside the kids might use them for lawn darts.
2. If you have children, then you are called a parent which means you should be parenting. Just because you don’t care what your house looks like, doesn’t mean I don’t care about mine. Keep an eye on your kids so I don’t have to keep an eye on my things.
3. Despite modern advances in the food industry, turkeys are only so big. We are a large family and because of modern advances in the food industry our asses are big as well. So this leaves us with the need to achieve a delicate balance between how much we CAN eat vs. how much we WILL eat to make sure there is enough for everyone. Please monitor your children (see rule 2) and make sure they take only what they will eat. And if you don’t get enough, don’t worry. There’s always pie.
4. I absolutely cook with bacon and bacon grease. I use lots of butter, cream, salt and even a little sugar. Thanks to the advances in modern medicine, you can bring your medical prescriptions with you and leave your dietary restrictions at home.
5. Upon arriving at my house look for the basket on the entry table. Deposit all cell phones in that basket. Upon departure, you can take the damn thing with you, but in the meantime maybe you can try having an actual relationship with your loved ones.
6. You needn’t bring anything, but if you insist on bringing a dish, then go ahead and bring it. If it’s good, we’ll make room on the buffet. If it’s jello salad, we’ll make room in the trash.
7. Speaking of trash, mine gets picked up on Wednesdays by a truck . Your children’s gets picked up by you today. (see rule 2)
8. Unlike the Trump’s table, everyone is welcome at mine. Just let me know in advance if you are bringing guests so I can make sure we have enough food to go around.
9. The best photographs are the ones I am not in. Point your camera in a different direction. If you want photos of me, I have plenty to share that were taken in the 1950’s. Back then the camera was kinder to me.
10. If you want to talk politics come sit next to me. There’s a good chance I’ll either convince you to change your politics or change your desire to talk about politics. And if neither happens, I can always turn off my hearing aids.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am thankful to still be here. I mean it really.
Margaret and Helen 
More to the point, though, none of the e-mailed postings are on the actual blog. So are they postings, or not???
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By: Richard on December 16, 2015
at 11:46 AM
Richard – I too am confused by the three emails #4432 x 2 and #4429! Makes you wonder what #4430 and #4431 are about!
Peace.
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By: Cynthia on December 16, 2015
at 10:10 AM
I am confused. I received three e-mails on recent December blog postings, yet when i go to the blog, it says the file I requested does not exist. What gives? I am hoping nothing is wrong.
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By: Richard on December 16, 2015
at 9:18 AM
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
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By: helenkosings on December 14, 2015
at 1:09 PM
Now, here’s a list we can use any time of the year! Thanks!
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By: Betty on December 6, 2015
at 6:05 PM
I absolutely love this-so much pertains to my family-especially the damn food restrictions and cell phone use.
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By: Anonymous on December 1, 2015
at 5:52 AM
I wish I had read this before Thanksgiving, there would have been more rules at my house. Thank you for making my day a little brighter.
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By: Kay on November 30, 2015
at 7:52 AM
Thanks Helen! Hoping your Thanksgiving went as planned!
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By: Easier on November 27, 2015
at 8:56 PM
I am thankful for the Internet. It is a place where a complete stranger can write to complete strangers and tell them how much their wit and wisdom is appreciated.
Thank you!
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By: Kathy Jadud on November 26, 2015
at 6:14 PM
Well it is officially Thanksgiving. I’ve read Helen’s yearly letter. Keep them coming gallbladder or not! Have a very Merry Christmas to you and Margaret.
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By: TAS on November 26, 2015
at 5:03 PM
When I die, if I’ve been good, I’ll get to sit at Helen’s table for Thanksgiving. I’m sure of it.
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By: oldgrumpysteve on November 26, 2015
at 4:00 PM
[…] the whole letter here. As usual, I’m disappointed there won’t be any […]
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By: Cheers and Jeers: Happy Family Dysfunction Awareness Day - LiberalVoiceLiberalVoice — Your source for everything about liberals and progressives! — News and tweets about everything liberals and progressives on November 26, 2015
at 7:48 AM
You are my hero! In my opinion you are spot on with all of your opinions. As for gall bladder removal, had my gall bladder out a million years ago and I haven’t regretted it. Eat what you want, you earned it! Happy Thanksgiving.
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By: Libby on November 25, 2015
at 8:44 PM
Yikes Helen
Sorry to hear about the loss of your gall bladder but like most of the folks in our age bracket we’re all missing something. I’m beginning to feel like a lab rat at a medical school. But, your loss hasn’t affected your Thanksgiving letter. It still sparkles with your usual sardonic wit and wisdom. Like the legend of Santa Claus it keeps getting more elaborate as the years and generations go by.
I’m sorry to say that I’ve lost my way and haven’t been to your site for so long that I have forgotten my password and have no idea where it went or why so I’ll just have to renew my entry as anonymous (aka) jsri
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By: js177la1@cox.net on November 25, 2015
at 5:34 PM
Helen and Margaret…Wishing you and your families a perfect Thanksgiving…and to all the visitors on the porch!
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By: roz on November 25, 2015
at 7:32 AM
God, I love you!!! You ARE the one 🙂
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By: Susan on November 24, 2015
at 8:02 PM
Happy Thanksgiving to you, Helen and Margaret. You always make me smile.
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By: sjterrid on November 24, 2015
at 2:45 PM
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, Helen (you, too, Margaret)! I couldn’t agree with you more about the Jello salad.
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By: That Other Jean on November 24, 2015
at 1:52 PM
It’s official…..Thanksgiving Day is a go. Thank you Helen and Margaret!!
Peace.
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By: Cynthia on November 24, 2015
at 11:04 AM
A fantastic letter! Can I borrow it to send to my family??? I think we should all follow rule #5 especially. Boy does my family have quite the surprise when I implement that one!!
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By: kellyjonesfangirl on November 24, 2015
at 8:12 AM
Ladies you are the best…I wish I was coming!😍😍😍
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By: tonka1 on November 24, 2015
at 6:46 AM
I want to come to dinner at your house!
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By: Beth on November 24, 2015
at 12:16 AM
Love your rules and I, too, will be posting them, although no one here has children. That sounds sinister, but actually it is just that all my friends are over 50. Well, to be truthful, over 60.
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By: lifelessons on November 23, 2015
at 10:20 PM
I would love to have dinner at your place anytime.
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By: oconelbill on November 23, 2015
at 9:50 PM
Having Holiday dinner with you has got to be a hoot. Way more fun than my family despite the rousing monopoly game or hide-the-candy-from-grandma-game. Wish I were there!
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By: grannypress14 on November 23, 2015
at 9:41 PM
Happy Thanksgiving to You Helen and your Family and Friends. Your blog are so enjoyed, please keep them coming. Thank you.
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By: Anonymous on November 23, 2015
at 9:24 PM
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. I love your posts and look forward to your opinions. I have a feeling that we would get along fabulously.
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By: Kay Crichton on November 23, 2015
at 9:04 PM
Love the rules, especially the last one.
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By: Keith on November 23, 2015
at 8:49 PM
This was a great hoot! Really enjoyed it and sent it to a lot of family. These are great and I am going to subscribe.
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By: Jo Laynne Boies on November 23, 2015
at 8:34 PM
Now my Thanksgiving will be bearable, because I’ve had my dessert of M & H Thanksgiving rules. Thanks for another dose of holiday joy.
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By: Donna M Crane on November 23, 2015
at 8:31 PM
I love you. Can I be part of your family? I promise to be good, and my kids are grown so no problem there. (I eat everything…with gusto).
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By: Lynne on November 23, 2015
at 8:21 PM
Love it! Love it! Love it! Just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without the letter to the family. Will be making a copy and posting it on the door! Just had an early “Turkeyless” Thanksgiving with 7 of us….including a terrible two and a Princess 5 year old. I could have used it! Great Grandma knows how to say NO and mean it! He listened to me! Just 4 of us T-day. Can handle it after 55 years of serving 21 or more. It’s harder to cut back than add another tater! Happy Thanksgiving to my favorite ladies. Who needs the extra baggage of a sick gallbladder????
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By: mrsgunka on November 23, 2015
at 7:27 PM
Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
Awesome letter!!
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By: Dr. Rex on November 23, 2015
at 7:01 PM
Awesome family rules!
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By: John Ziehm on November 23, 2015
at 6:58 PM
Happy Thanksgiving, Helen (and Margaret). Thank your for such a good set of rules that will apply to every family. I’m sure many front doors are now decorated with them.
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By: CaroleMS on November 23, 2015
at 6:39 PM
Reblogged this on Central Oregon Coast NOW.
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By: Central Oregon Coast NOW on November 23, 2015
at 6:29 PM
Love it! Mahalo for being you.
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By: Honolulu Aunty on November 23, 2015
at 6:06 PM
Dear Helen (and Margaret) — I am very happy you are here too. Thank you for common sense, good spelling & grammar and excellent taste in politics.
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By: leslieileen on November 23, 2015
at 5:56 PM
I love this!!! Thank you so much for the laughs and for the helpful guide (your rules)!
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By: glendanp on November 23, 2015
at 5:38 PM
My first Thanksgiving without my Gallbladder, too ! Have a wonderful one, girls, and keep fighting the good fight! Love ya.
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By: scottiegirl13 on November 23, 2015
at 5:25 PM
Helen, thank you for all the laughs you give me year round! I got real worried when the summer and fall passed without you. But now we are almost back to normal. Hope someone saves some turkey for you and that everyone loves the meal. We were taught to say when the turkey or whatever burns a little, just to say: “Well, this turkeys a little burnt, but that is juuussssttt the way I like it!”. Blessings on you, Helen for all the joy you spread around throughout the year
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By: joanpm on November 23, 2015
at 5:19 PM
Happy Thanksgiving, Helen! If I was having dinner at your house, I’d surely like to sit next to you and talk politics!
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By: Vivian on November 23, 2015
at 5:00 PM
Happy Thanksgiving Helen. All the best. You always make me smile.
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By: Kathy on November 23, 2015
at 4:59 PM
This is great. A wonderful way to begin Thanksgiving week. Thank you Helen Philpot for always putting a smile on my face.
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By: Margaret Foulks on November 23, 2015
at 4:56 PM
I am thankful you are here and still penning more of your brilliant wit. Homespun it’s not. Dorothy Parker comes to mind if she could have avoided the Algonquin and the booze. But that is a moot point-you are your own voice that is loving, surgically on point with just a touch of eloquent cruelty that I love. Feel better. If you had chosen to pass on the feast, your family might have experienced onset hysteria with a side of malnutrition and a loss of will to live until Monday.
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By: Charles Levin on November 23, 2015
at 4:47 PM
Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.
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By: Mr. Militant Negro on November 23, 2015
at 4:45 PM
Tacking your rules to the wall in my house and adding one more, “if you ain’t sober, you ain’t here.”
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By: mageen in old virginny on November 23, 2015
at 4:40 PM
Amen to all of the above. ESPECIALLY the food intolerances. This year, somebody else is cooking and being responsible for the above problem(s). And the kiddies are not up to me to monitor, either. Yahoo!!
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By: Dolores M. Gelly on November 23, 2015
at 4:33 PM
Happy Thanksgiving!
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By: Claudia on November 23, 2015
at 4:28 PM
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Helen.
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By: shabom on November 23, 2015
at 4:14 PM
You are amazing! Don’t stop.
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By: bajadulces on November 23, 2015
at 4:12 PM
So, how do I get an invitation?
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By: Connie on November 23, 2015
at 4:06 PM
Love this letter to the family — especially the parenting references! Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
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By: Anonymous on November 23, 2015
at 4:02 PM
We’re all thankful you’re still here, Helen! (And your rules sound perfectly reasonable to me.)
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By: Rebecca Mashaw on November 23, 2015
at 4:01 PM
EVERY host or hostess should have this hanging in their home!!
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By: fishducky on November 23, 2015
at 4:00 PM
Just sent email to brother, sister-in-law, and sister whining that I can’t imagine what I was thinking when I booked a “stupid early” flight from Austin to San Francisco tomorrow morning. Have been assured that the crowd will be convivial. Ending be admitting that the intent was to maximize visitation while permitting me to attend Messiah rehearsals tonight and Sunday night for a December 1 performance. If you are in Austin then, check the Symphony & Chorus Austin websites. December 1 is probably booked, but the Sing-It-Yourself concert on December 5 is probably open.
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By: Austinhatlady on November 23, 2015
at 3:55 PM
And we’re so happy to have you here, gallbladder or no gallbladder!
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By: gatodicima on November 23, 2015
at 3:53 PM
I’ll bet more than a few people will copy your letter for their family to read. Have a good Thanksgiving!
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By: Jean R. on November 23, 2015
at 3:49 PM
Happy Thanksgiving, Helen. I love your commentaries!
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By: Laurie Basile on November 23, 2015
at 3:42 PM
FABULOUS
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By: eatingcrackersinbed on November 23, 2015
at 3:37 PM
It’s not Thanksgiving without a message from Margaret and Helen. Thank you, and have a wonderful day!
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By: Sandra Getgood on November 23, 2015
at 3:34 PM
I love your Turkey day rules. I live alone and all my family is on each coast far from me. Mom is here in San Marcos but 95 and eats pureed food… enough said on that. Best to all..
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By: Vie on November 23, 2015
at 3:34 PM
A wonderful entry. 🙂 I’m still smiling.
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By: blb1 on November 23, 2015
at 3:32 PM
I think I am going to hang this list of rules at my house.
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By: cindywines on November 23, 2015
at 3:30 PM