Margaret, I was going to send you a Happy Holiday wish, but then I watched that debate out of Iowa. It just took the Merry out of my Christmas. The Republican Party has more hate and ignorance in its Primary than the entire line-up of Real Housewives of Pick Any City on Bravo. Let me just go down the line-up for you…
Michele Bachman is crazy. Just ask the voices in her head. But you’ve got to give her credit for trying. No money. No staff. No clue. And yet she’s still out there plugging away. Bless her heart.
And then there’s that guy from Oz… I mean Texas. No brains. No heart. No Friends of Dorothy. Rick Perry hates gays. Just ask him. He likes Tim Tebow a little too much for my comfort, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a Sunday morning quarterback kind of thing. You’ve got to give him credit too, however. He’s trying. There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but Perry can’t seem to get above ten percent in the polls with all those God-fearing, good Republicans out there in Iowa.
Which brings us to that pizza guy. When everyone went soft on Perry, it looked like Herman Cain would rise like pizza dough to the occasion – something that tends to get him in trouble.. Now that Herman has what we used to call the wandering eye – and not the kind that can be corrected with glasses. He’s got the kind that eventually catches up to you when you run for political office. (But speaking of glasses, I really liked the pair Barbara was wearing on her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011. Of course when Donald Trump glowed on, I thought maybe it was a rerun from 1984. But that’s another story for another time.) Herman Cain was on the show and that’s who I want to talk about. Before he sang Barbara a little song, ole’ Herman told her he couldn’t prove it, but he was pretty sure he was attacked by the media because he was a black Republican. Well, he’s half right. Republicans don’t really like blacks. In fact that political party is about as diverse and tolerant as an audience at a Celtic Women’s concert. But again that’s another story. As a Black Republican, Cain’s pizza was never getting out of the box. But the media didn’t report on that. What they did report on was the other problem with Cain – the one that had nothing to do with the color of his skin. It had to do with how his pepperoni kept landing in places it didn’t belong. Honestly though, with as much time as the Republican party tries to get involved with a woman’s uterus, you have to wonder why a little touchy-feely is so offensive to them. But about that black thing. I can’t figure it out either.
So Cain got ousted and in walked Newton, the whitest and meanest politician north, south, east and west of the Pecos. I hear he shoots his ex-wives when they get out of line or go into the hospital for cancer treatment. But again, another story for another time. Newton Leroy Gingrich grew up Lutheran became a Southern Baptist, and eventually converted to Catholicism. Now that’s a whole lot of religion packed into one person. No wonder the Republicans like him so much. But Newt is exactly what those Tea Party Republicans say they don’t want – a fat cat politician. The only people who made more money screwing the government than Newt were Goldman and his son-in-law Sachs – two Jews. Go figure. Newt doesn’t want to be President. He wants to sell books and give speeches. Honestly. Can we just move on? Republicans can’t elect Newt because they can’t raise taxes enough to afford his salary.
And so you have Willard Mitt Romney. Both of them. The Republicans really, really, really want to vote for the Romney who is tough on immigration, against abortion and can’t stand Obamacare. Unfortunately they have an issue voting for the Romney who is soft on immigration, votes pro-choice and believes in universal healthcare. And we can’t forget about that Mormon thing. Is he a Christian or isn’t he? Maybe one is and one isn’t. Maybe he could borrow one of Newt’s religions.
But thank goodness there’s always Jon Huntsman. He’s still in it, right? Someone should research that. Is he still in it? Oh, but wait. Huntsman is a Mormon too. Darn those religious prerequisites. Thank goodness Newt still has one religion to spare.
So really that just leaves us with Rick Santorum and Ron Paul. One is fascinated with a dog having sex with a man and the other looks like a dog had sex with a man. You know. I really don’t have a problem with that.
Shame on me. That was cruel. A woman with an ass as fat as mine, shouldn’t be making fun of the way people look. Mr. Paul, I’m sorry. I went for a laugh and that was wrong of me. In truth, you’re the guy who scares me the least. Probably because you have no chance of winning and you’re the candidate most likely to run as a third-party candidate if you don’t win the GOP nomination. That could be detrimental to the likely Republican nominee if you pull too much support from Republican voters who can’t decide between Willard Mitt Romney or Willard Mormon Romney.
I guess it’s Merry Christmas after all, Margaret. And a Happy New Year. Thanks for stopping by.
And welcome home to our returning troops. We’re proud of you. I mean it really.