Posted by: Helen Philpot | December 31, 2013

2013 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 470,000 times in 2013. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 20 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 26, 2013

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family 2013

Dear Family,

This war on Thanksgiving has gone too far.  Bacon, butter, sugar and cream are as important to Thanksgiving as the damn turkey.  Vegetarians, God help them, have always managed to graze through my table and find enough to satisfy them.  And if they stumbled upon a piece of bacon or two… well nobody has died in all the years I’ve put this meal on the table. But this latest request for a gluten-free meal has gone too far.   A gluten-free Thanksgiving is like a rainy day – gray and soggy.  I ain’t gonna do it, honey. Get mad, get glad or scratch your ass, it don’t make a difference to me.  My Thanksgiving meal will have some gluten in it just as sure as a pig’s ass is pork.  And we just might have some of that, too.

The holidays are not a time for dieting.  This family has tried more diets than I can shake a stick at and somehow we still manage to have more backside than most.  If you’re worried about how many calories are in my meal, I suggest you park your car a mile from the house and walk your fat ass the rest of the way.  It’s not what you’re eating sweetie.  It’s the fact that your sofa has become the new playground and your children spend more time on their electronic devices than your grandpa did on the pot.  Gluten free my ass.  Get out and get some fresh air and sunshine.

And now that we have that out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks.

1.)    Your children can have as much soda and cookies as they please.  This is grandma’s house for goodness sakes.

 2.)    Your cell phones at Thanksgiving are about as useful as a pocket on the back of your shirt.  If you actually have one of those, put your cellphone there because if I see it at the dinner table, you won’t see it again until Christmas.

 3.)    Mary is pregnant again.  Everyone bring an extra pie.  And somebody keep an eye on her other rugrats.  I swear, those kids could trip over a cordless phone.

 4.)    Iced tea without sugar is like Thanksgiving without gluten.  I think I’ve said enough on that subject.

 5.)    The stuffing has bacon.  It also has bacon grease and butter.  I dare you not to have seconds.

 6.)    Rhonda, honey, you’re wife number two.  WE can talk about number one but you can’t.  Just be thankful there’s not a number three.

 7.)    Brian and Sylvia, when I told you not to bring anything, I meant it.  If Cloe is not allowed to bring her Jell-O crap, you are not allowed to bring your fruit cake, your zucchini bread or your cleverly disguised broccoli in pasta salad.  I serve the same meal my mother did fifty years ago.  When I die, you can decide if you want to carry on the tradition. Until then, bring just yourself and an appetite.

 8.)    Gluten.  You probably don’t even know what it is.

 At my age, every meal could be my last.  I’m thankful we’ll be having this one together again.  Let’s make the most of it.  Turkey, stuffing, gravy, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, sweet corn, green beans, cranberry sauce, homemade bread, pumpkin pie, apple pie, pecan pie, more pie…   What’s not to like?  In memory of your Grandfather, the back yard has horseshoes and the back fridge has beer.  Drink until it is gone.  The damn stuff is probably ripe with gluten, but I prefer wine anyway.  One from each family needs to be the designated driver.  I mean it really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 24, 2013

Ted Cruz could start an argument in an empty house

helen-mug1 FROM HELEN:

Margaret is it just me or have the Republicans all gone bat shit crazy? First they are screaming bloody murder about Obamacare and then they complain because people are having trouble signing up for Obamacare. Do they want the thing more alive so they can enjoy killing it? Or are they just upset because Obama is still black? I suggest it’s the latter but I sure as hell know this – these days if a Republican politician’s lips are moving, he’s lying.

They close the government and then complain when government-funded national parks are closed. They whine about activist judges but then run to the Supreme Court when elections don’t go their way. They scream for freedom and then make it harder for people to vote. They complain about the liberal media but then spend all their time getting interviewed by Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. They take issue with Obama being born in Hawaii with a Kenyan for a father, but have absolutely no problems with Ted Cruz being born in Canada with a Cuban for a father. Now on that last one, I half agree. In truth, I have no issue with either birth certificate. But I never did fancy hypocrisy much. These days, the Republican platform is so crooked it could get lost behind a cork screw.

Honey, I get it. The web page for Obamacare is a piece of shit. So let’s fix it. But speaking of a piece of shit, how in the hell did Texas produce yet another political moron? I wonder if Ted Cruz knows that Texas leads the nation in uninsured Americans. Rick Perry sure as hell doesn’t. Texas also leads the nation in gun purchases… in carbon pollution… in repeat teen births… and in homeschooling. OK. Maybe that last one isn’t a big deal, but something tells me the last two are connected. Anyone think it’s a coincidence that Texas also has a Republican super-majority in its State Capitol?

If Ted Cruz is so committed to killing Obamacare, why is he so upset that the website isn’t up to snuff? You’d think he’d be celebrating. But then again Ted Cruz could start an argument in an empty house. I’m sorry, but I just don’t trust that man. He looks like something the dog’s been keeping under the porch.

The problem is that Republicans are so worried that if America does well with a Democrat in the White House, Americans won’t vote for a Republican in the next election. Funny how soon they forget who got elected after Clinton left the White House. Of course, I often try to forget that too. I mean it. Really.

margaret-mug1 FROM MARGARET

Helen it’s not you. It’s cable news. Stop watching it. Go on a cruise instead. Just not one named Ted.

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Margaret, the Republicans are trying to blame this shutdown on everyone but themselves. It’s the Senate Democrats fault for not negotiating. It’s President Obama’s fault for being black. It’s my fault for not voting for McCain and Palin. Well honey, somebody needs to tell them that dog just don’t hunt.

In 2008, a hell of a lot of people voted for the candidate who campaigned on overhauling healthcare – something the nation had been debating for decades. You young ones might remember back in the 90’s how the Republicans cut Clinton off at the knees over this. But I remember Truman’s efforts back in the 40’s and 50’s. Of course, back then the Republicans screamed Communism rather than Socialism. Although, I’m pretty sure no one asked for Truman’s birth certificate. He was white after all. But the point is that Republicans claiming we haven’t had a debate is… well… like I said, that dog just don’t hunt.

But even if your memory isn’t as long as mine, surely the 2012 elections ring a bell? We debated for months about Mitt Romney’s universal healthcare plan… No wait. I mean repealing Mitt Romney’s universal healthcare plan. No. That’s not right either. It was Romneycare or Obamacare and now that they lost the election it’s become We Don’t Care. And I’m pretty sure there was a Supreme Court decision in there somewhere. During all that, Democrats agreed to a drastically reduced federal budget and some initial delays and exemptions to the Affordable Care Act. And yet, Republicans have shut down the government because we Dems just won’t negotiate. Well that just dills my pickle! What we’ve got is a bunch of know-nothing Tea Party Idiots who think the sun comes up just to hear them crow.

Michele Bachmann and friends can pose in front of a war memorial all they want pretending their not the ones who closed it. Clearly, they take us for fools. Well as the wife of a WWII veteran, I’d like to introduce my rather large foot to their sorry asses. I can promise you my late husband is rolling over in his grave knowing that affordable healthcare for 40 million people has shut down the very government he fought to defend. And shame on me for making fun of the way someone looks, but just what the hell is going on with that woman’s hair? It looks like it caught fire and someone put it out with a brick.

The problem as I see it is that the Republicans have lots of excuses but no real ideas. Well excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they usually stink. And unless you’re a dog, sniffing around backsides gets old real quick. I mean it. Really.

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helen-mug1 From Helen

Margaret, the more Republicans I meet, the more I like my dog. Just once I would like to see a politician with an ass too small to fit his own head. It has been a rough few weeks sitting back trying to get my rest and stay out of politics, but honestly, there seems to be no end to this madness and I once again find myself not able to keep my mouth shut. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Let me count the new ways the Republicans found to wear their ass for a hat…

One. I heard a Congressman from Texas today say that Obamacare was forcing hard-working, middle class families to purchase health insurance they don’t need. Now there is a congressman who has definitely put his head in a place where the sun doesn’t shine. Show me someone who doesn’t need health insurance and I’ll show you the second coming of Jesus. And for the record, it’s called the Affordable Care Act because before it was passed, healthcare was no longer affordable for most Americans. Do these Tea Party asshats really take us for fools?

Two. We are a country that blindly followed Bush’s codpiece into “preventive” war not once but twice. Now a bunch of children get gassed to death by a dictator and we are suddenly too weary for war. Really? Republicans too weary for war. Sounds to me that they are too weary for a black commander-in-chief. Oh dear me. Did I say that out loud? God forbid someone suggest that Republicans are racists. He’s a Muslim from Kenya with a fake birth certificate…short version: he’s black.

Three. Not crazy enough for you? How about thinking the answer to gun violence is more guns? We’re up to what, about one mass shooting a month now? It sure seems like there are plenty of guns to go around. How about we try a different approach like asking ourselves why we need more guns than actual people in this country. Are there really that many deer to hunt? And something tells me if the British are coming again, it’s not with muskets. One thing is for sure: Guns don’t kill people… but they make it a hell of a lot easier.

Four. Oh but for the love of God if Texas wasn’t dealing with enough crazy already with Rick Perry, we now have to deal with Ted Cruz. Now here’s a guy who talks in circles so effectively, it’s no wonder his head eventually ran into his ass. In an effort to show off his grasp of the situation, he had to go and bring Dr. Seuss into the mix. For the record Senator Cruz, the moral of Green Eggs and Ham is to try something new… you might like it. For example, 40 million people might actually like having access to healthcare. Cruz staged his ridiculous talk-a-thon against cutting off debate only to then turn around and join 99 other senators in voting to cut off the debate. He’s no Wendy Davis. That’s for sure. But exactly what should we expect from a man who said, “We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.” If brains were leather, Cruz wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.

I could go on, but must I really? Let me sum it up for you. Now that the government is closed, will hard-working, middle class federal employees get paid? No. Will Congressmen get paid? Yep. They’ll continue to get their $174,000 a year, and they will have health insurance as well. Asshats everywhere. I mean it. Really.

margaret-mug1 From Margaret

Helen dear, you would think their heads would be too big. Then again, thinking doesn’t seem to work in this situation. I wonder which part they hate more – the Obama or the Care?

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | July 13, 2013

Tampons don’t kill people. Republicans do.

Margaret, last night there was a rally at the Texas State Capitol to let Rick Perry and the Republican controlled House and Senate know that Texas women have had enough of this backward ass war on women. And do you know what those crazy asshats did? They confiscated everyone’s feminine hygiene napkins at the door. Now there is some good bullshit if you ask me.

As God as my witness, you could legally carry a concealed weapon into the Texas Capitol but you had to surrender your tampons. I can only assume the Texas legislators… I guess Rick Perry decided… The State Troopers.. You know what, Margaret? For the first time in my life I’m speechless. What in God’s name has gotten into these yahoos?

If Rick Perry, a C minus college student, can be trusted with making his own healthcare decisions, why the hell can’t my A+ college graduate daughter do the same? Pro-life my ass. Perry is about as pro-life as any governor who has presided over hundreds of executions. Which is to say Perry is about 250 executions short of being pro-life. And for the record, pro-choice does not mean pro-abortion. Being pro-choice means you trust women to make the right decisions for themselves and their families when it comes to healthcare.

And Rick Perry might not be running for governor again, but those two morons Abbott and Costello… I mean Abbott and Dewhurst are and they make Perry look almost sane. So this fight isn’t over. I’m in this for the long run. Are you with me Wendy?

Texas women might have lost the battle but we sure as hell plan to win the war. And they can pry the tampon from my cold, dead hands. I mean it. Really.

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Margaret, if my vagina could shoot bullets it would have fewer regulations on it.  Plus, it would be easier to conceal from idiot politicians like Rick Perry and John Kasich.  And while that might be a bit graphic for even me, it’s a sad but very true statement.  We women in Texas (I can’t speak for the women of Ohio) are madder than hell and I think it’s time again for another Ann Richards to come make things right – God rest her soul.  Years ago she said that government should “open the doors and let the people in.”  Well ready or not, here we come.  And this time, we’re bringing a Harvard grad named Senator Wendy Davis.

For years now, Governor Perry has waged a war on women based on conversations he has with God and his pastor.  It’s a given that Rick’s god speaks to him in a male voice.  I am sure he has never considered the alternative.  According to his god, women can’t be trusted to make healthcare decisions.  As a result Perry has decided to make it hard for poor women (and soon almost any woman) to even have access to healthcare at all – problem solved.  When you gut funding for family planning, force doctors to perform unnecessary procedures on women (and only women) and then shut down dozens of women’s health clinics… well let’s just say it’s not a stretch to suggest that Rick Perry hates women.  But as far as his desire to end abortion, he doesn’t have a clue.  All of his efforts will simply decrease the number of safe, legal abortions and increase the number of unsafe, illegal abortions.

I am old enough to remember what happens to women who don’t have access to safe, legal abortions.  I lost a few friends in those days.  But, I guess if you don’t like women, killing a few is of no concern.  Can you imagine the outrage if we were legislating a penis?  Would the out-crying of voters be called an unruly mob then?  Not a chance.   It would be called the Texas Legislature.

Rick Perry, bless his heart, doesn’t have the good sense God gave a goose – otherwise known as a C minus average at Texas A&M University.  That boy hasn’t had a light on in the attic since someone in kindergarten told him he had nice hair.  Perry says that A&M shaped him into the person he is today.  What shape is obtuse?  He earned a C in U.S. History, a D in Shakespeare, and a D in the principles of economics.  Perry even got a C in gym which might explain why he finds joy in picking on defenseless, poor women who can’t fight back.  I don’t even know what to say about his C in animal breeding.  If the man can’t even figure out how animals reproduce, why do we expect him make rational decisions about women’s reproductive freedoms?

Unfortunately Rick is not the only Governor who has taken up gynecology on the side. Over in the great state of Ohio, a certain Mr. Kasich seems to be fine with keeping helpful health information from rape victims.  And in North Carolina they plan to tell 7th graders that if you have an abortion, you’ll never be able to have any more children.   Hmmm.   Lying to rape victims and children.   Republicans everywhere must be so proud.

You know what gets me, Margaret?  These holier-than-thou types who have to lie and mislead because people don’t want to buy their brand of religion are nothing more than hypocritical bullies.  Just like Jesus taught us…whoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when you depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet… and then lie to them and force them to do what you want.

And for those women out there, who think this is really about saving innocent babies, let me assure you it’s not.   Republican politicians have passed legislation to define pregnancy as beginning at fertilization which means most types of birth control are now defined as causing abortions.  You might want to think about that really hard.  Are they saving babies or just calling you a slut?  Honestly, Perry and Kasich think women run to Planned Parenthood like it was a 7-Eleven.  I’ll take a soda, a bag of chips and an abortion please.

To Perry, Kasich and the other asshat politicians who want to regulate women’s bodies I have one thing to say:  Get your religion out of my vagina and back into your heart where it belongs.  I mean it.  Really.

VOTE IN 2014.

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Margaret, just when I was thinking I could go back to minding my own business baking bread and watching my shows, another small-dick Republican has to prove that the size of his tiny pecker doesn’t prevent him from screwing a whole lot of women. And so here I am again, typing instead of baking. You know me. When I’ve got nothing good to say, I usually say it.

Add the name Glenn Hagar to our ever growing list of Asshats. This one is still wet behind the ears and thinks his wife Dara should be barefoot and in the kitchen. Want to know why Governor Rick Perry really called a special session? Laws that they couldn’t pass in the regular session can be pushed through in the majority-rules special session. Laws like the one sponsored by State Senator Glenn Hegar from Katy. Hegar thinks screwing poor women in rural Texas is fun and he has sponsored a law that will screw millions of them by closing down women’s health clinics throughout the state. In between bragging about how godly he is, Hegar’s website offers us this description of little Glenn – Senator Hegar is a true conservative who strongly defends the values of faith, family, and freedom. Of course if by freedom you mean freedom for men to control women – well then yes, I guess that’s a true statement. Just like the gun owners he also champions, Glenn wants to have a pecker but not take responsibility for firing it.

Glenn wasn’t alone in this mind you. His accomplice is an idiot named Rep. Jody Laubenberg, a Botox bitch from Parker. Yes, Jody is a woman who apparently would eat her own vagina to prove she is loyal to Rick and Glenn. Wait. That didn’t sound right. She would eat her unborn child to prevent another woman from having access to… No. That’s not right either. Oh hell. What do you say about a woman who thinks that another woman who has been raped should not have access to an abortion because…and I quote, “In the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits, where a woman can get cleaned out.” Now there is a real idiot’s idiot. Never mind that rape kits have nothing to do with cleaning out anything. The fact that a woman would have no sympathy for another woman’s rape. Well, I just didn’t think I would live long enough to see that.

But thank goodness for women like State Senator Wendy Davis who actually paid attention in school and developed her brain instead of an unhealthy fascination with plastic surgery like Ms. Laubenberg. Right now Wendy is filibustering in the Texas Capitol to stop Rick, Glenn and Jody from taking us any farther back into the dark ages. If you live in Austin, head to the Capitol and cheer her on.

It’s all too clear now. Rick Perry’s personal little special legislative session was just another pathetic attempt to continue his never-ending war on women. Perry and his Aggie Boy Toy Hagar can’t wait to screw millions of women. I’m still unclear what’s in it for Jody – maybe a lifetime supply of Botox? This time the small-minded and even smaller-dicked Republicans in the Texas Legislature are attempting to deny the full spectrum of reproductive healthcare to the millions of poor women in rural Texas. The laws those asshats are trying to pass will mean that only rich women in Austin, San Antonio, Dallas and Houston will have access to an abortion– everyone else can just go have a few more babies or find a coat hanger. Lucky for Dara Hegar. She lives in Katy just outside of Houston. She and her daughters will have no trouble getting an abortion should they so choose. And good thing Jody lives near Dallas so that her daughter, Liz, can still get an abortion despite Mother’s nasty law. And as we all know, they are the ones who usually do.

Somebody get me a magnifying glass. If there’s going to be a vote, I want to see if Glenn Hagar is man enough to take on the masses of women in District 18 who will vote him out of office during the next election. But my money is on Wendy. Go, honey. Go. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | April 25, 2013

Nobody will ever need to be shushed in the Bush Library

Margaret, the next time you go on one of those cruises, you’re just gonna have to take me along because I need a vacation.   Fine wine may mellow with age but I sure as hell haven’t.  I watched the dedication today for that architectural oxymoron known as the George W. Bush Library.  That man was and remains an idiot.  In fact, the only one in the family who seems to have any brains at all is the mother, Barbara Bush, who said the country has had enough Bushes’ in the White House.  I couldn’t agree more.  I hear, however, that she’s a real bitch.  That’s certainly alright by me.  It takes one to appreciate one.

While watching the dedication I was reminded of his idiocy (I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully) as well as his  arrogance (I am the decider).  Lord help me.  I wonder if that man’s library even has books.  I bet nobody ever has to be ssss-hushed in that place.   It’s probably filled with paint-by-number sets.

It just kills me that we put that idiot in office… twice.  But I guess there has never been a shortage of idiots in politics.

And speaking of idiots, it seems like every time there is an explosion in the world, Ann Coulter and a bunch of other old white Republican men crawl out of their caves long enough to thump their chests for the cameras.  Funny how a bunch of yahoos clinging to the 2nd Amendment after kindergarteners are murdered, suddenly want to throw the  rest of the constitution to the curb because this time the culprit was a Muslim using a pressure cooker.  That monkey of an author, Ann, summed it up best when she said that the bomber’s wife “ought to be in prison for wearing a hijab.”    I had to look that word up.  It’s that religious veil worn by Muslim women.  I guess the constitution only applies to Christian Americans – you know, value voters who seem to have no values beyond the latest sale at Wal-Mart.  Give them time and they’ll argue that you should be allowed to yell “fire” in a crowded mosque.

I am tired of idiots.  Could the real Republican party grow a pair and clean their house so this country can finally get back on track.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 6, 2013

2012 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 1,500,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 27 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!

Click here to see the complete report.

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