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HELEN:

Margaret, I ventured into new territory today. I tuned into Fox News. It was kind of like going to the zoo… not so scary once you learn the animals can’t get out of their cages.

Just like when I go to a regular zoo, I didn’t know the names of all the animals at Fox, but I quickly learned the ones with opposable thumbs and the ability to reason were token Democrats who had, at some point, worked in the Clinton administration. The ones who liked to rattle their cages and screech at the visitors were the angry Republican hacks who seemed to be, for the first time, discovering the wonders of math.

I was surprised to see so many animals that I thought were long ago extinct. There was angry, old Lou Dobbs plodding around mumbling something about voter fraud and immigrants and Mike Huckabee being all folksy and jolly. And there was Oliver North, Liz Cheney, Haley Barbour and even Geraldo Rivera who now just goes by Geraldo like Madonna, Cher and Cavuto.

Over in a corner in a cage all by himself was the red-assed Karl Rove. Now that one scares me. When they called Ohio for Obama I heard he started flinging pooh and screaming about recounts and faulty polls.

I got a chance to spot the elusive big-footed Ann Coulter which was thrilling. Since her visit to The View, she only makes appearances when no other women are in the room. She seemed pretty at ease in the zoo. I guess that comes from all the time she spent collaborating with monkeys on those personal therapy projects she calls books. Ann seemed remarkably calm considering not only the election results but also the colossal failure that was her last book. Usually she’s shrill and fidgety but sitting there in the cage with Sean Hannity she seemed almost human.

There was a lovely exhibit of irrelevant talking parrots including Shepard Smith, Greg Gutfeld, Tucker Carlson and Mr. Van Susteren. I can’t keep all of their names straight but one of them suggested that the majority of voters are like abused housewives who voted to stay with their abuser. Most of them were squawking about Hurricane Sandy and that America was about to go over a cliff. As expected, they blamed the liberal media for handing the election to Obama while simultaneously chirping that Fox is the most watched news broadcast in the nation. I know. I know. It doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense but it’s Fox News. It doesn’t have to. While I don’t think they understand the difference between Mexican-Americans and Cuban-Americans, they seem to think that any Republican politician with a name ending in O or Z will need to be on the bottom half of the ticket in 2016 if Republicans are to take the White House back.

Every zoo has its specialty and Fox is no exception. They have the largest collection of blonde, bulemic middle school girls posing as reporters with names like Megyn, Gretchen, Cheryl and Dana… many of them openly wept as the election results came in causing a river of mascara that got all over everything.

But the real treat came when I ran across that rare but ever-lovable snow beast, Sarah Palin. She’s a bit older but still very capable of smacking her lips while rattling off those non-sensical run-on sentences like “this election if it continues the way it is going will be a catastrophic setback to our economy and to any opportunity that we would have for Supreme Court justices to be appointed who would be strict adherents to the traditional interpretation of what our Constitution says which is a blueprint towards a more perfect union.” Isn’t she precious? Honestly, I was surprised to see that she had actually survived the end-of-days calamity known as the 2008 election.

Now Margaret, I don’t suggest that you visit the Fox Zoo. The lighting is bad, the air is thin, and reality is in short supply. They haven’t cleaned the cages in years so the bullshit is everywhere. Instead let me visit occasionally and send back reports. Trust me. It’s better that way.

Unlike the zoo, trips to Fox News should probably be few and far between. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Thanks dear. I’ll stick to Ellen and leave the heavy lifting to you. But next time you are there do check and see what ever happened to Mrs. Van Susteren.

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HELEN:

Margaret, it appears that rape remains unpopular among likely voters, gays are people too, and Rocky Mountain High isn’t just a song. It isn’t final yet, but at the time that I am writing this, Michele Bachmann, bless her heart, might not be too popular with voters either. And while he wasn’t actually running for anything, Donald Trump proved to be unpopular with just about everyone.

Once the real news called the race for Obama, I tuned into Fox News to see if Karl Rove was giving refunds. I had to laugh at the meltdown that was happening. Karl wanted a recount in Ohio and some blonde woman with too much make-up lamented about the inconvenient truth of Hurricane Sandy. Evidently Sandy and fraudulent voters had given the election unfairly to Obama. Honey, Hurricane Sandy reminded us that we had a good man in the White House much the same way Hurricane Katrina reminded us that we had an idiot in the White House. And fraudulent voters are about as common as unbiased reporting on Fox News. I had to turn the channel back to the more civil CNN coverage with that lovely Anderson Cooper. Too much Fox makes me itch.

After running for President for nine hundred years, Mitt Romney accepted defeat and gave a surprisingly short and genuinely gracious concession speech. I was touched, truly touched, when he called for unity and wished the President success. President Obama too gave a lovely speech. He always gives lovely speeches. It was a tad bit long and I must admit I drifted off a couple of times. I am old and it was getting late.

But back to Mitt… you had me there, sir. You had me ready to put aside my partisan ways in hopes that our elected officials could come together and find common ground. I was all ready to write my letter to the President asking him to govern to the middle and bring us together. I would get a good night’s sleep and then write the letter in the morning and send it off to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

But just before I headed to bed, this flashed across my television screen:

“The American people did two things: they gave President Obama a second chance to fix the problems that even he admits he failed to solve during his first four years in office, and they preserved Republican control of the House of Representatives. The voters have not endorsed the failures or excesses of the president’s first term, they have simply given him more time to finish the job they asked him to do together with a Congress that restored balance to Washington after two years of one-party control. Now it’s time for the president to propose solutions that actually have a chance of passing the Republican-controlled House of Representatives and a closely-divided Senate, step up to the plate on the challenges of the moment, and deliver in a way that he did not in his first four years in office.”

– Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader

Well Margaret, so much for me giving up my partisan ways. Mitch McConnell is a jackass and the Republican Party can kiss my ass. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Well, here we go again. Honey, why don’t you just move to Kentucky and run against McConnell? I would vote for you. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 5, 2012

Vote early. Vote often. Just to piss ‘em off.

Margaret, it’s all over now. I’ve said all I can say about these asshats in the Republican Party. The fact that they would prefer to see fewer people voting rather than more should tell us all we need to know. They’re in it for themselves.

But now it’s up to the people. And there are a few Republican Governors who should be ashamed of themselves. Do a little research on Rick Scott and you will quickly find out Florida has a fox in the hen house.

Go out and vote. It’s important. If you don’t vote you’re no better than Scott and his Republican friends in Ohio, Michigan and Pennsylvania. Their efforts are proof that Romney has never been about 100% of Americans.

I suggest we offer immigration reform in the form of an immigration exchange program. If you are caught trying to suppress or otherwise discourage voters, we can deport you in exchange for an immigrant who wouldn’t dream of taking democracy for granted. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 1, 2012

Let’s vote Mitt off the Island. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, with a natural disaster as big as Sandy, chances were pretty good that a Republican foot was going to end up in a mouth declaring that God was punishing liberals in blue states. Imagine my surprise when instead Governor Chris Christie decided to put partisan politics aside and work with the President to help citizens in need. I wonder if other Republicans were paying attention?

Unfortunately they were, but the lesson was clearly lost on them. Many suggested that Christie has eyes for a Presidential run in 2016 which can’t happen if Romney wins. Others offered that Christie was seeking revenge for not being selected as the Vice Presidential candidate.

Our favorite big-footed gal suggested that Christie “is hoping to use Obama to plug a dike.” Do I really have to attribute that quote to Ann Coulter or could you just tell by the fifth-grade mentality?

But in the ultimate pot meets kettle moment, Rush Limbaugh called Christie “fat and a fool” saying the New Jersey Governor “doesn’t know what he is talking about.” Oh Rush Limbaugh you fat, fool – heal thyself.

The Republicans are upset, of course, because one of their own was breaking ranks and actually suggesting that Obama isn’t the devil. And to make it worse, Obama was showing the country how a well run government can and should handle a crisis which only reminds Republicans of just how bad the last Republican President had been.

But never fear. The Republican candidate for President would not be denied his moment to shine and prove himself “presidential”. While the Christie-Obama love fest was going on, Mitt Romney took the opportunity to show what kind of President he would be:

“I remember once we had a football field at my high school. The field was covered with rubbish and paper goods from people who’d had a big celebration there at the game. And there was a group of us there assigned to clean it up. And I thought, ‘how are we going to clean up all the mess on this football field?’ There were just a few of us. And the person responsible for organizing the effort said, ‘Just line up along the yard lines. You go between the goal line and the 10-yard line, and the next person between the 10 and 20, and just walk down and do your lane. And if everybody cleans their lanes, we’ll get it done.”

Margaret, I bet Mitt made a spectacular Prom King. And if I was thinking about putting on a show in the barn… Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Mitt Romney is a moron. If I had my way, we’d vote him off the island. He is dishonest as the day is long, and he will say anything to become president. And while those remarks might cause some to label me a partisan during this time of bi-partisan unity, you might be surprised just how bi-partisan my statement actually is:

“Mitt Romney will lie to you to become President and he will lie to you when he becomes President… Mitt Romney will do and say anything to become President. Anything.” – Newt Gingrich

“I don’t know how to respond to Mitt Romney because his position may change tomorrow.” – John McCain

And Mike Huckabee on Mitt Romney – “If a man’s dishonest to get a job, he’ll be dishonest on the job.”

Here’s hoping that the east coast rapidly recovers from the most recent tragedy. And here’s to hoping Obama gets re-elected so that America can continue to recover from the tragedy that was the last Republican presidency. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 25, 2012

When Did Hating Women Become a Republican Platform?

Margaret, I think my head is about to explode. Richard Mourdock, the Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate in Indiana, said that “even when life begins with that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.” Just when you think the bar for stupid has been set at a new low, some Neanderthal running for office lowers it again. As if God condones rape as an acceptable means of procreation. Mr. Mourdock’s mother must be so proud.

How many more examples do you think American women need before they realize that the current Republican Party would prefer that the Nineteenth Amendment had never been enacted? Let me count the ways…

Mr. Mourdock doesn’t believe a woman who is raped should be given the respect to make her own healthcare decisions in her process of healing, but he does think that there should be an exception if her life is in danger. Unfortunately, Mr. Mourdock hasn’t met Mr. Walsh.

Rep. Joe Walsh of Illinois thinks that there should never be an “exception” rule regarding abortions for women due to health concerns because he thinks women’s lives are never in danger due to a pregnancy. Walsh said that the life of a mother is never in danger because with “advances in medicine and technology, you can’t find one instance” in which an abortion would be necessary to save a mother’s life.

Of course, God’s will to bring life forth is at odds with the magical powers of my vagina according to Rep. Todd Akin, who claims that victims of “legitimate rape” rarely get pregnant. “From what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Akin said of pregnancy caused by rape. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

It hard to believe that Akin, Mourdock and Walsh don’t have this title, but to be considered one of the “most staunchly conservative Republicans” you actually have to take stupid to a disgustingly low level like Rep. Steve King did when he told an Iowa reporter he’s never heard of a child getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest. Here’s the quote: “Well I just haven’t heard of that being a circumstance that’s been brought to me in any personal way and I’d be open to discussion about that subject matter.”

Tom Smith, the Republican candidate for Senate in Pennsylvania believes there is never a reason to justify an abortion. When asked how he would argue to keep the baby if a daughter or granddaughter were to become pregnant as a result of rape, Smith said that his daughter went through “something similar” to rape: “Having a baby out of wedlock.”

And then there is Rep. Roger Rivard of Wisconsin who declared that sexual assault is a crime that is often misunderstood. He said that his father had warned him that “some girls rape easy.” He explained that meant they’d verbally consent to sex, then later accuse the man of rape. Not that it matters, but I have no idea if he believes easy rape causes a pregnancy. I bet, however, that he has equally appalling views about a woman’s right to decide what she will do after the easy rape.

It might be interesting for some of you to know that while the economy was burning, 200 Republicans in Congress, including Paul Ryan, spent considerable time on a bill that would have changed the exception language about rape to be redefined as an exception for only “forcible rape”.

I am sitting here stunned at what I have just typed. As a woman I can think of no other circumstance more hateful, more humiliating, more destructive to a woman than the act of rape… forcible rape, legitimate rape, statutory rape, easy rape or just regular old rape. How have these men risen to the level of public support to represent us in our nation’s capital? And Paul Ryan is being considered for Vice President? Good God in heaven please deliver me from this madness.

The other night, I was watching the news and that horrible Bay Buchanan came on. She was dismissive of a poll that suggested the issue of abortion was more important than the economy to women. It was just impossible to Bay – a woman herself as far as I can tell – that women could possibly think that comments like those above could be more important than what those same politicians have to say about creating jobs and improving the economy. I’ve always thought Bay had a little bitch in her, something I admire in myself. But I never figured her for stupid. You don’t have to be a genius to realize that a woman’s ability to control her economic future is absolutely influenced by her ability to control her pregnancies.

Besides being stupid, Bay shares something else in common with those jackasses listed above. They are all members of the Republican Party with a platform that calls for making abortion illegal without exception.

But seriously. If these men – I’ll go ahead and include Bay in that statement just for the sake of arugment – if these men are stupid enough to have an opinion during the election about what should or shouldn’t happen with a woman’s body after a rape, then they are too stupid to hold an elected office. And if these men have to explain their statements the next day by saying “what I really meant to say was that rape is never a good thing“… well honestly… do I really need to tell you not to vote for that moron? And if you are a women voting Republican in this election, bless your heart, you clearly have bigger problems than the economy and you really might want to consider investing in some self respect.

Before I sign off, let me add one more quote to the ever-growing list of Republican Rape Philosophers:

Mitt Romney says this of Richard Mourdock, “We disagree on policy regarding exception for rape and incest but I still support him.” Romney went even further and added, “With so much at stake, I hope you will join me in supporting Richard Mourdock for US Senate.”

Women, I hope you will join me in supporting women everywhere. Vote for the guy who was smart enough to say simply, “Rape is rape. It’s a crime.” I mean it. Really.

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HELEN:

Margaret, I watched the debate and then I went to bed comforted by the fact that Barack Obama would be President for four more years. I dreamt of a Supreme Court that actually believes all Americans are created equal and corporations are entities not people. In my dream, we looked for ways to increase voter turnout and not suppress it. And then I woke up and made the mistake of turning on cable news. Evidently Obama had won the debate, but Romney had proven himself presidential. Really? The guy with the sweaty upper lip and the mood swings that matched his policy swings? That guy was presidential? Did anybody actually watch the debate with the sound on?

You could almost hear Romney’s heart break when he announced that we can’t “kill our way out of this”. As badly as he wants to start a few, there would be no wars for Romney. And a Republican without a war is like Sarah Palin without her early pregnancy test strip – a little scared and a lot in denial. It was hard for him, but even Romney realized that a debate about foreign policy really should focus at least a little bit on diplomacy and world peace. His fight with Russia, Iran, China, Egypt, Syria, and some place called Mali would all have to wait until after he got elected. Bush spoiled America’s appetite for preemptive wars and Romney looked like he was about to cry. In an attempt to mislead undecided voters, he even had to give up on his desire for a continued war in Afghanistan. Bless his heart, he had held on to that one until the bitter end.

Romney has been campaigning to become President for seven years. In that time, we have learned very little about the man except that he is damn good at telling people what they want to hear. He governed in Massachusetts, but even they don’t want him anymore. In this last debate, he finally admitted that people wanted to hear the truth. And the truth of the matter is, Romney thinks Obama really isn’t that bad. Yes, Mr. Romney, you weren’t going to be able to lie your way out of this one.

I’ve grown tired of pointing out that Romney is a liar. It took me awhile to put pen to paper on this one because I really didn’t want to just make another list of all his lies and flip-flops. Eventually I decided to go the other way – the truth about Obama. Here is why I am voting for a second term for Barack Obama. Pay attention because if you have been watching Fox News and buying the Republican bullshit you might not know some of this…

  • The federal government has gotten smaller, not bigger, under President Barack Obama. We now have fewer federal employees than we did in 2009.
  • Government spending under President Obama has been smaller than the previous nine presidents. That goes back all the way to Eisenhower, and I am pretty sure all of the savings haven’t come from a smaller navy. Those aircraft carriers are pretty damn expensive.
  • Obama’s healthcare plan will save money and provide insurance for more Americans including millions of children.
  • It is now the law of the land that women get equal pay for equal work. I still can’t believe it took until 2009 for that to happen.
  • We no longer humiliate our brave soldiers because of who they love. Despite what we were told, that change didn’t weaken our military. But now that it’s done the odds of a Romney one day serving have increased to one in ten.
  • Obama has actually put in place fewer regulations on businesses than George Bush did in his first term. Fewer regulations under Obama. I bet that’s a surprise. It appears that Mitt Romney, Donald Trump and the Koch Brothers can remain fabulously wealthy even if Obama remains President.
  • We are now drilling more and producing more domestic oil than before. Even though Mitt seems to think every private citizen has an oil well in their garden, much of the increase has indeed been on public lands not just on private lands. Obama finally told oil companies to shit or get off the pot.
  • President Obama has actually lowered taxes. He retained the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and has lowered taxes for the middle class as well. Don’t believe me? Romney’s tax rate is 33% lower than the percentage of Americans who are victims. (47-33=14)
  • And while I am pretty sure Romney already knows this, China owns actually less than 10% of our national debt and almost any economic professor will tell you that’s actually a good thing.

Well, will you listen to me? I sound like one of those weekend news shows on PBS –factually more accurate but not nearly as entertaining as Bill O’Reilly. I hope I didn’t bore you too much.

My point is this. One candidate is talking about our future – green energy, improved schools, better roads and bridges, sustainable job and pay growth, diplomacy, allies around the world… The other candidate (the Republican) keeps going on and on about missile defense in Poland, war with Russia, mining for coal and the 1916 Navy. Somewhere, anywhere there is a wall that Romney is desperate to tear down. Poor dear. He’s about 25 years too late and Putin is no Gorbachev.

Too bad we don’t have Sarah Palin this year. She wore her crazy on her sleeve, but Romney is actually pretty good at misleading voters. Don’t let him mislead you. He may look Presidential while he is lying, but do we really want to make this about looks? If we did that we would have to include the wives and Michelle Obama is a knock out.

We have a President who cares about all 100% of us. And he’s good looking to boot. Let’s keep him. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

My nephew says to tell you that you are beating a dead horse with Palin. He says the line should be A Republican without a war is like a Kardashian without a sex tape. Maybe you can ask Matthew not to attach my name and picture to that one. Two more weeks, dear. Two more weeks and we can go back to working on the cookbook. Oh, and Helen, you heard it here first – Trump is an asshat.

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HELEN:

Margaret, tell Howard he is, in fact, correct. I have never met Mitt Romney. I have no idea what is in his heart. I am just a fat, old broad who speaks too much and probably should keep some of her opinions to herself. When Mitt says: I respect and will protect a woman’s right to choose… Roe v. Wade has gone too far… I am pro-choice… I am pro-life… I never really called myself pro-choice…When I am asked if I am pro-choice or pro-life, I say I refuse to accept either label… I assume he is a liar. But I actually don’t know for sure he is a liar. He could just be a dumb ass who is confused. Maybe I should just call him honesty-challenged. At least that way, one of his robotic sons won’t haul off and hit me… or shave my head like his father does to those who disagree with him.

I’ve read some of the comments here. I get it. I drank the Kool-Aid so why listen to me? I am just a dumb liberal who doesn’t watch Fox News and therefore hasn’t a clue. You shouldn’t listen to me.

Instead you should listen to someone who really does know what is in Mitt’s heart. Let me introduce you to the woman who has been washing his underwear for 43 years. Well I am assuming that of course. She could have outsourced the laundry duties. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ann Davies Romney:

“Mitt has always been a pro-life person, he governed, when he ran, uhmm, as pro-choice…”

That would be an exact quote. It gets a little complicated after that because Ann finds it hard to make that shit sound truthful, but basically she said that he was pro-life while he campaigned as pro-choice . Then he got elected. Once elected, Mitt realized that he couldn’t actually govern as pro-choice because, in fact, he was pro-life. So then, and only then, he let everyone know via an editorial in the newspaper that, in fact, he was exactly the opposite of what he campaigned. He was Pro-No Choice. Of course, now he is back to needing women to vote for him so he is willing to be pro-choice-ish again. It’s confuing, I know. Ann has always had a problem separating her whites from her colors.

Let me see if I can wash Mitt’s underwear better than Ann. Mitt misled the voters. He campaigned one way, knowing he was exactly the other way. Unlike Tagg, Ann has no problem calling Mitt a liar… I’m sorry… She has no problem that her husband is a dumb ass… Sorry again… I meant to say that she has no issue with her husband being less than honest. Settle down there Tagg.

Ann may not have a problem with her say anything husband, but I do. I have a problem that the man running for the Republican candidate for President is willing to lie to 100% of the women in America. After all, it’s one thing for him to not care about 47% of the population, but we are now talking about 50.4%. He’s running out of people to be honest with.

I have a problem that he has no issue with misleading voters. I am proud to be one of the 47% (give or take 3.4%) who will never be on the Romney’s Christmas card list. Yes, I checked… just in case you are not familiar with the religion, Mormons do celebrate Christmas. Other than the whole getting your own planet when you die stuff, they actually aren’t as unusual as many want to make them out to be. For instance, Mormons believe in the Ten Commandments too… but clearly the Romney’s are a little lax on that Ninth one.

I am no longer afraid of Tagg Romney despite my lack of Secret Service protection. Your dad is a dumb ass liar. Bring it on, son. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

I relayed the message to Howard and he says that Ann Romney and those women on The View are a perfect example of why women shouldn’t be in politics. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go remind Howard that he doesn’t drive anymore and therefore will have a problem getting to the polls in a couple of weeks. We women have voter suppression methods of our own. And don’t worry about that Tag, dear. I hear the Romney boys just play war. In the real world they stand on the sidelines and send the 47% to do the heavy lifting.

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HELEN:

Margaret, I can’t imagine that there are many, but if a woman still plans to vote for Mitt Romney chances are she owns a car elevator. I am sure there are a few exceptions to that rule, and I imagine they will leave a comment here soon enough. I’ll keep their head shots in a binder so we can talk about them later.

Everybody is still talking about Mitt’s binder full of women. It makes for a good sound bite, I guess. But look past the sound bite and you’ll really get a good glimpse of the man.

In Mitt’s world, a woman trying to get ahead in her career simply needs a flexible schedule to be home for dinner and bedtime. Sadly, I think he actually believes that. He also says that every woman should have access to contraception, but he supports the Blunt Amendment and the defunding of Planned Parenthood where the vast majority of low-income or uninsured women get contraception. Just to prove how much he believes women should have access, he picked a running mate who neither believes in birth control nor a woman’s right to choose abortion for any reason. When it comes to women’s rights, Ryan believes the Catholic Church got it right. Rhythm method anyone?

Exactly what decade are these guys living in? And just how far back will they take us if elected? They remind me a little of Herman and Eddie Munster. In fact, if you glance at a picture of Mitt’s dad, George, you’ll see a resemblance to Grandpa as well. The Munsters might have been popular when TV shows were still in black and white, but by today’s standards they lack color and there’s a reason we call them reruns. But I digress…

If you paid really close attention you might have also picked up on Mitt’s solution to the problem with assault weapons… I mean hunting rifles. (Sorry NRA) He blamed part of the problem on single mothers. You might find that too bizarre to be true but he actually shares that opinion with others. Mitt World is a crazy place, but he doesn’t live there alone. He is joined by the New York Times Biggest Footed List author, Ann Coulter. I kid you not. She too blames mass murderers with assault rifles on single mothers..

Also In Mitt World, children of illegal immigrants are simply soldiers for the wars he wants to start with Russia, Iran and now China. I mean honestly, Margaret, how much more proof do you need that this guy is a complete jackass? He plodded around that debate stage (a little like Herman Munster I might add) and then looked right into the camera and said those children are not welcome to stay here unless they are willing to take a bullet for him. After all, somebody has to protect the fortune he’s leaving to his sons – all of whom seem like they were quite capable of joining the Army if you ask me. In fact, if even one of his five sons actually had served, he might fool a few more people into thinking that he really is from Mexico. But according to Mitt, his sons are serving their country “by helping their Dad get elected.” Seems a bit self-serving, but what do I know? I’m just an old woman with a grandson and a nephew in Afghanistan.

But again, let’s not stop at the sound bite. Let’s really dig into that one. He also said that if you are smart enough to get a high-paying job you can get a green card and stay. So basically there is nothing honorable about serving in the military. It’s just a consolation prize for being poor… and stupid, I guess.

The Mitt who showed up to the debate this week is the same one who has been showing up in politics for years – the one who will say anything to get elected. Well. I’m done. I’ve seen and heard quite enough and I am voting for President Obama. Anyone in a swing state want to trade votes with me?

The Republicans say that Obama can’t run on his record. Really? You want to talk about records? Mitt Romney was born wealthy, married wealthy and will most likely die wealthy. Bully for him. The other guy is black man born in America in 1961 to a single white woman. He went on to become President of the United States. I’d say there’s no contest. Thanks to Republicans, Obama inherited the biggest mess since the great depression and in his first year in office prevented a total economic meltdown.

As for Mitt’s record – he was a bully in high school and got pretty upset when his father wasn’t elected President. At the age of 46 he was bored with making more money so he decided to become a Republican simply to challenge Ted Kennedy for the Senate. By the way, he claimed that he was more Pro-Choice than Teddy. He lost. Then he spent millions of his own fortune to get himself elected Governor of Massachusetts in 2002. Four years later he left with an approval rating so low he ranked 48 out of the 50 Governors. Most of the middle class in Massachusetts got frustrated with his taxes which Mitt called fees – license fees, gun fees, gas fees, college fees… He left with a 38% approval rating. And for the record, Massachusetts’ reputation for having great public schools was in place long before Mitt became Governor. Of course, what he won’t tell you is that record is largely due to academic achievements of the predominantly white, affluent population in the state. If you are a minority, your kids might fare better in say… Maryland. And if you pay attention to high school graduation rates, seven other states rank above Mass. Candy Crowley tried, but she could only fact-check so much while being yelled at.

I know no one wants to drag up George Bush’s name because what’s done is done. Lord knows I would like to forget him. But I take issue when Mitt and the Republicans try to blame all of Bush’s problems on the black guy who moved into the neighborhood. I say bullshit. Mitt Romney is George Bush all over again – same song, second verse. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Good lord. I remember when Mitt’s father ran for President. Could we maybe find someone whose father is just a simple man who hopes his daughter might one day grow up to be President?

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HELEN:

Margaret, I am not sure if you read the story in the paper about Paul Ryan’s visit to a soup kitchen in Ohio, but it’s a real lulu. Evidently he and his wife and children stopped by after the place was already closed, but they had cameras so Congressman Calculator smiled and washed some already clean dishes before heading off again.

I tell you what. That, my friends, is some good bullshit. In a desperate attempt to show how the Romney / Ryan campaign really does love those pesky poor people, they faked a visit to a soup kitchen where Ryan quite literally didn’t even get his hands dirty. I hear next week he is scheduled to stop by a battered women’s shelter to watch a football game and have a beer or two with the ladies.

If you had any doubts that the Republican Party was pandering for your vote, it should be crystal clear now. But really, now that Palin is out of the way, are any of us going to change our vote based on the candidate for Vice President? The guy we really need to focus on will be debating tonight. I wonder which Mitt Romney will show up this time? Will it be the guy who thinks 47% of Americans are moochers or the guy who believes in universal healthcare? Wait a minute. That’s the same guy. Now I am confused. Which one is black? That’s the guy you can’t trust, right? One of them is a Muslim from Kenya and the other one is a Mormon from Mexico… right? Who is the Republican candidate again? I can’t keep them all straight. Let’s review:

Mitt Romney. Is he the Pro-Life or the Pro-Choice guy?

  • “I respect and will protect a woman’s right to choose.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I never really called myself pro-choice.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “Roe v. Wade has gone too far.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I believe that since Roe v. Wade has been the law for 20 years we should sustain and support it.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • When I am asked if I am pro-choice or pro-life, I say I refuse to accept either label.” ~ Well. There seems to be a ring of truth in that one.

Hmmm. Maybe we should just move on. That’s one of those topics that people are pretty luke warm about anyway. You know us women… we change our minds about abortion about as often as we change our hairstyles. What about a really hot topic like immigration. Is Romney the Dream Act guy or the Put Up a Fence guy?

  • Immigrants should have a chance to obtain citizenship.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I think there should be no special pathway to citizenship. I feel that’s the course we ought to take.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • I mean, I say that jokingly, but it would be helpful to be Latino.” ~ Mitt Romney

OK. Look. You can’t be set in stone about these things. A President has to keep an open mind. What we really need is an honest guy who will level with us. So is Romney the guy who tells the truth or the guy who lies just because he can?

  • “I have a gun of my own. I go hunting myself. I’m a member of the NRA and believe firmly in the right to bear arms.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I don’t personally own a gun. My son does.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I think the global warming debate is now pretty much over and people recognize the need associated with providing sources which do not generate the heat that is currently provided by fossil fuels …” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I have to tell you with regards to global warming that that’s something, which, you’re right, the scientists haven’t entirely resolved…” ~ Yep. Him again.
  • This is a campaign about the 100 percent.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what… My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” ~ Some guy who looks an awful lot like Mitt Romney

Folks. If you want a jackass for President, then any one of the Mitt Romney guys is your guy. I suggest, however, that if you have a brain in your head you should vote for the other guy. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Oh dear. Now I am thoroughly confused. Does this mean I need to vote more than once?

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HELEN:

Margaret, when you hear a fool talking nonsense you can either call them on their bullshit or just shake your head and smile. Clearly I am the former which gets me into trouble and I need remind myself that maybe I should be a little more of the latter. It was nice to see Joe Biden has already figured that out. God love him, I thought he did well considering he had to be having a Déjà vu evening. Paul Ryan, like Sarah Palin, is difficult to suffer.

While I watched the debate, I often wished that Joe would stop smiling at Ryan and just reach across the table and slap the shit out of him. But, like I said, the Vice President is wiser than this old broad. Just like Palin before him, Ryan believes he has all the answers. Unlike Palin, Ryan is smart enough that he should know better.

Now I am sure comparing Paul Ryan to Sarah Palin is a stretch for some but when you are as old as Margaret and me you see these things a little more clearly. Nothing is more apparent to an older person than a younger person blinded by their own youth. With age comes wisdom. If you doubt me, just wait.

Four years ago, Palin debated Biden and painted the world in black and white – oil and snow. This time Ryan painted it in red and black – debits and credits. Everything gets all summed up in rows and columns where nothing matters but the bottom line. Life has yet to throw him any problem that can’t be solved with a calculator. During the debate, Ryan seemed to boil almost everything down to how much something costs. And the only thing that doesn’t seem to cost too much to Ryan is the price of war. I found that odd considering how tightly he wraps himself in his religious beliefs… which we’ll get to in a bit.

What does it say about the Republican Party that despite our being the richest country on the planet, all they can worry about is how expensive it is to take care of our elderly, our sick and our less fortunate? What kind of statement are they making when they focus almost exclusively on how much richer we could all be if we just spend a little less money on the sick and the elderly? There are more billionaires in America than in the next 10 richest countries combined. We are actually millionaires when it comes to the number of millionaires with almost 5 million Americans having that distinction – more than the next 10 countries combined. But the way Ryan describes it you would never know that the tax burden for American workers is one of the lowest on Earth… or that our defense budget is ten times greater than the next closest country.

The federal budget that Ryan apparently keeps next to his bible has a revenue line of more than $2 trillion dollars. That would be a two followed by twelve zeros. Twelve. It seems to me that Ryan should have a whole lot more than Medicare and Social Security to discuss before he gets to that last zero. We are debating the price of Medicare and Social Security but not the cost of war. I guess that’s why I am not a math person. The bottom line has never had all the answers for me.

All in all, I thought it was a good debate, but the point in the evening that had me on the edge of my seat was near the end when Martha Raddatz asked the two men how their Catholic faith affects their politics.

Ryan seemed not to understand the concept of a separation of church and state despite his infatuation with Iran – a country that clearly can’t separate the two. I think his exact words were: “I don’t see how a person can separate their public life from their private life or from their faith.” As a good Catholic he doesn’t believe in abortion or birth control and can’t separate that from his political life. Four times he has voted to defund Planned Parenthood, and his proposed budget would completely defund birth control, STD screenings, and cancer screenings for low-income women available under Title X.

Considering there are more than 300 religions practiced by Americans including 35 different Christian religious denominations a separation of church and state should make more sense to Ryan than it does. (By the way, I include Mormonism in that 35 even though many Republicans don’t.)

Compare Ryan’s answer to that of the elder statesman sitting to his right: “My religion defines who I am, and I’ve been a practicing Catholic my whole life… But I refuse to impose it on equally devout Christians and Muslims and Jews, and I just refuse to impose that on others, unlike my friend here, the — the congressman.”

I know Biden can’t exactly say what I can. That’s the curse of being a politician. So I am happy to say it here for him…

Mr. Ryan. You seem like a nice guy. Given a little time your heart might actually catch up to your brain. Until then, kindly take your spreadsheets, your bottom line and your religious intolerance and shove them up your ass. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Helen, honey, at times like these I am reminded why we are friends. Bottom line for me – you’re the tops. And to smiling Joe Biden I say – my husband is asleep by 9 and the back door is unlocked.

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