HELEN:

Margaret, I watched the debate and then I went to bed comforted by the fact that Barack Obama would be President for four more years. I dreamt of a Supreme Court that actually believes all Americans are created equal and corporations are entities not people. In my dream, we looked for ways to increase voter turnout and not suppress it. And then I woke up and made the mistake of turning on cable news. Evidently Obama had won the debate, but Romney had proven himself presidential. Really? The guy with the sweaty upper lip and the mood swings that matched his policy swings? That guy was presidential? Did anybody actually watch the debate with the sound on?

You could almost hear Romney’s heart break when he announced that we can’t “kill our way out of this”. As badly as he wants to start a few, there would be no wars for Romney. And a Republican without a war is like Sarah Palin without her early pregnancy test strip – a little scared and a lot in denial. It was hard for him, but even Romney realized that a debate about foreign policy really should focus at least a little bit on diplomacy and world peace. His fight with Russia, Iran, China, Egypt, Syria, and some place called Mali would all have to wait until after he got elected. Bush spoiled America’s appetite for preemptive wars and Romney looked like he was about to cry. In an attempt to mislead undecided voters, he even had to give up on his desire for a continued war in Afghanistan. Bless his heart, he had held on to that one until the bitter end.

Romney has been campaigning to become President for seven years. In that time, we have learned very little about the man except that he is damn good at telling people what they want to hear. He governed in Massachusetts, but even they don’t want him anymore. In this last debate, he finally admitted that people wanted to hear the truth. And the truth of the matter is, Romney thinks Obama really isn’t that bad. Yes, Mr. Romney, you weren’t going to be able to lie your way out of this one.

I’ve grown tired of pointing out that Romney is a liar. It took me awhile to put pen to paper on this one because I really didn’t want to just make another list of all his lies and flip-flops. Eventually I decided to go the other way – the truth about Obama. Here is why I am voting for a second term for Barack Obama. Pay attention because if you have been watching Fox News and buying the Republican bullshit you might not know some of this…

  • The federal government has gotten smaller, not bigger, under President Barack Obama. We now have fewer federal employees than we did in 2009.
  • Government spending under President Obama has been smaller than the previous nine presidents. That goes back all the way to Eisenhower, and I am pretty sure all of the savings haven’t come from a smaller navy. Those aircraft carriers are pretty damn expensive.
  • Obama’s healthcare plan will save money and provide insurance for more Americans including millions of children.
  • It is now the law of the land that women get equal pay for equal work. I still can’t believe it took until 2009 for that to happen.
  • We no longer humiliate our brave soldiers because of who they love. Despite what we were told, that change didn’t weaken our military. But now that it’s done the odds of a Romney one day serving have increased to one in ten.
  • Obama has actually put in place fewer regulations on businesses than George Bush did in his first term. Fewer regulations under Obama. I bet that’s a surprise. It appears that Mitt Romney, Donald Trump and the Koch Brothers can remain fabulously wealthy even if Obama remains President.
  • We are now drilling more and producing more domestic oil than before. Even though Mitt seems to think every private citizen has an oil well in their garden, much of the increase has indeed been on public lands not just on private lands. Obama finally told oil companies to shit or get off the pot.
  • President Obama has actually lowered taxes. He retained the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and has lowered taxes for the middle class as well. Don’t believe me? Romney’s tax rate is 33% lower than the percentage of Americans who are victims. (47-33=14)
  • And while I am pretty sure Romney already knows this, China owns actually less than 10% of our national debt and almost any economic professor will tell you that’s actually a good thing.

Well, will you listen to me? I sound like one of those weekend news shows on PBS –factually more accurate but not nearly as entertaining as Bill O’Reilly. I hope I didn’t bore you too much.

My point is this. One candidate is talking about our future – green energy, improved schools, better roads and bridges, sustainable job and pay growth, diplomacy, allies around the world… The other candidate (the Republican) keeps going on and on about missile defense in Poland, war with Russia, mining for coal and the 1916 Navy. Somewhere, anywhere there is a wall that Romney is desperate to tear down. Poor dear. He’s about 25 years too late and Putin is no Gorbachev.

Too bad we don’t have Sarah Palin this year. She wore her crazy on her sleeve, but Romney is actually pretty good at misleading voters. Don’t let him mislead you. He may look Presidential while he is lying, but do we really want to make this about looks? If we did that we would have to include the wives and Michelle Obama is a knock out.

We have a President who cares about all 100% of us. And he’s good looking to boot. Let’s keep him. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

My nephew says to tell you that you are beating a dead horse with Palin. He says the line should be A Republican without a war is like a Kardashian without a sex tape. Maybe you can ask Matthew not to attach my name and picture to that one. Two more weeks, dear. Two more weeks and we can go back to working on the cookbook. Oh, and Helen, you heard it here first – Trump is an asshat.

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HELEN:

Margaret, tell Howard he is, in fact, correct. I have never met Mitt Romney. I have no idea what is in his heart. I am just a fat, old broad who speaks too much and probably should keep some of her opinions to herself. When Mitt says: I respect and will protect a woman’s right to choose… Roe v. Wade has gone too far… I am pro-choice… I am pro-life… I never really called myself pro-choice…When I am asked if I am pro-choice or pro-life, I say I refuse to accept either label… I assume he is a liar. But I actually don’t know for sure he is a liar. He could just be a dumb ass who is confused. Maybe I should just call him honesty-challenged. At least that way, one of his robotic sons won’t haul off and hit me… or shave my head like his father does to those who disagree with him.

I’ve read some of the comments here. I get it. I drank the Kool-Aid so why listen to me? I am just a dumb liberal who doesn’t watch Fox News and therefore hasn’t a clue. You shouldn’t listen to me.

Instead you should listen to someone who really does know what is in Mitt’s heart. Let me introduce you to the woman who has been washing his underwear for 43 years. Well I am assuming that of course. She could have outsourced the laundry duties. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ann Davies Romney:

“Mitt has always been a pro-life person, he governed, when he ran, uhmm, as pro-choice…”

That would be an exact quote. It gets a little complicated after that because Ann finds it hard to make that shit sound truthful, but basically she said that he was pro-life while he campaigned as pro-choice . Then he got elected. Once elected, Mitt realized that he couldn’t actually govern as pro-choice because, in fact, he was pro-life. So then, and only then, he let everyone know via an editorial in the newspaper that, in fact, he was exactly the opposite of what he campaigned. He was Pro-No Choice. Of course, now he is back to needing women to vote for him so he is willing to be pro-choice-ish again. It’s confuing, I know. Ann has always had a problem separating her whites from her colors.

Let me see if I can wash Mitt’s underwear better than Ann. Mitt misled the voters. He campaigned one way, knowing he was exactly the other way. Unlike Tagg, Ann has no problem calling Mitt a liar… I’m sorry… She has no problem that her husband is a dumb ass… Sorry again… I meant to say that she has no issue with her husband being less than honest. Settle down there Tagg.

Ann may not have a problem with her say anything husband, but I do. I have a problem that the man running for the Republican candidate for President is willing to lie to 100% of the women in America. After all, it’s one thing for him to not care about 47% of the population, but we are now talking about 50.4%. He’s running out of people to be honest with.

I have a problem that he has no issue with misleading voters. I am proud to be one of the 47% (give or take 3.4%) who will never be on the Romney’s Christmas card list. Yes, I checked… just in case you are not familiar with the religion, Mormons do celebrate Christmas. Other than the whole getting your own planet when you die stuff, they actually aren’t as unusual as many want to make them out to be. For instance, Mormons believe in the Ten Commandments too… but clearly the Romney’s are a little lax on that Ninth one.

I am no longer afraid of Tagg Romney despite my lack of Secret Service protection. Your dad is a dumb ass liar. Bring it on, son. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

I relayed the message to Howard and he says that Ann Romney and those women on The View are a perfect example of why women shouldn’t be in politics. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go remind Howard that he doesn’t drive anymore and therefore will have a problem getting to the polls in a couple of weeks. We women have voter suppression methods of our own. And don’t worry about that Tag, dear. I hear the Romney boys just play war. In the real world they stand on the sidelines and send the 47% to do the heavy lifting.

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HELEN:

Margaret, I can’t imagine that there are many, but if a woman still plans to vote for Mitt Romney chances are she owns a car elevator. I am sure there are a few exceptions to that rule, and I imagine they will leave a comment here soon enough. I’ll keep their head shots in a binder so we can talk about them later.

Everybody is still talking about Mitt’s binder full of women. It makes for a good sound bite, I guess. But look past the sound bite and you’ll really get a good glimpse of the man.

In Mitt’s world, a woman trying to get ahead in her career simply needs a flexible schedule to be home for dinner and bedtime. Sadly, I think he actually believes that. He also says that every woman should have access to contraception, but he supports the Blunt Amendment and the defunding of Planned Parenthood where the vast majority of low-income or uninsured women get contraception. Just to prove how much he believes women should have access, he picked a running mate who neither believes in birth control nor a woman’s right to choose abortion for any reason. When it comes to women’s rights, Ryan believes the Catholic Church got it right. Rhythm method anyone?

Exactly what decade are these guys living in? And just how far back will they take us if elected? They remind me a little of Herman and Eddie Munster. In fact, if you glance at a picture of Mitt’s dad, George, you’ll see a resemblance to Grandpa as well. The Munsters might have been popular when TV shows were still in black and white, but by today’s standards they lack color and there’s a reason we call them reruns. But I digress…

If you paid really close attention you might have also picked up on Mitt’s solution to the problem with assault weapons… I mean hunting rifles. (Sorry NRA) He blamed part of the problem on single mothers. You might find that too bizarre to be true but he actually shares that opinion with others. Mitt World is a crazy place, but he doesn’t live there alone. He is joined by the New York Times Biggest Footed List author, Ann Coulter. I kid you not. She too blames mass murderers with assault rifles on single mothers..

Also In Mitt World, children of illegal immigrants are simply soldiers for the wars he wants to start with Russia, Iran and now China. I mean honestly, Margaret, how much more proof do you need that this guy is a complete jackass? He plodded around that debate stage (a little like Herman Munster I might add) and then looked right into the camera and said those children are not welcome to stay here unless they are willing to take a bullet for him. After all, somebody has to protect the fortune he’s leaving to his sons – all of whom seem like they were quite capable of joining the Army if you ask me. In fact, if even one of his five sons actually had served, he might fool a few more people into thinking that he really is from Mexico. But according to Mitt, his sons are serving their country “by helping their Dad get elected.” Seems a bit self-serving, but what do I know? I’m just an old woman with a grandson and a nephew in Afghanistan.

But again, let’s not stop at the sound bite. Let’s really dig into that one. He also said that if you are smart enough to get a high-paying job you can get a green card and stay. So basically there is nothing honorable about serving in the military. It’s just a consolation prize for being poor… and stupid, I guess.

The Mitt who showed up to the debate this week is the same one who has been showing up in politics for years – the one who will say anything to get elected. Well. I’m done. I’ve seen and heard quite enough and I am voting for President Obama. Anyone in a swing state want to trade votes with me?

The Republicans say that Obama can’t run on his record. Really? You want to talk about records? Mitt Romney was born wealthy, married wealthy and will most likely die wealthy. Bully for him. The other guy is black man born in America in 1961 to a single white woman. He went on to become President of the United States. I’d say there’s no contest. Thanks to Republicans, Obama inherited the biggest mess since the great depression and in his first year in office prevented a total economic meltdown.

As for Mitt’s record – he was a bully in high school and got pretty upset when his father wasn’t elected President. At the age of 46 he was bored with making more money so he decided to become a Republican simply to challenge Ted Kennedy for the Senate. By the way, he claimed that he was more Pro-Choice than Teddy. He lost. Then he spent millions of his own fortune to get himself elected Governor of Massachusetts in 2002. Four years later he left with an approval rating so low he ranked 48 out of the 50 Governors. Most of the middle class in Massachusetts got frustrated with his taxes which Mitt called fees – license fees, gun fees, gas fees, college fees… He left with a 38% approval rating. And for the record, Massachusetts’ reputation for having great public schools was in place long before Mitt became Governor. Of course, what he won’t tell you is that record is largely due to academic achievements of the predominantly white, affluent population in the state. If you are a minority, your kids might fare better in say… Maryland. And if you pay attention to high school graduation rates, seven other states rank above Mass. Candy Crowley tried, but she could only fact-check so much while being yelled at.

I know no one wants to drag up George Bush’s name because what’s done is done. Lord knows I would like to forget him. But I take issue when Mitt and the Republicans try to blame all of Bush’s problems on the black guy who moved into the neighborhood. I say bullshit. Mitt Romney is George Bush all over again – same song, second verse. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Good lord. I remember when Mitt’s father ran for President. Could we maybe find someone whose father is just a simple man who hopes his daughter might one day grow up to be President?

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HELEN:

Margaret, I am not sure if you read the story in the paper about Paul Ryan’s visit to a soup kitchen in Ohio, but it’s a real lulu. Evidently he and his wife and children stopped by after the place was already closed, but they had cameras so Congressman Calculator smiled and washed some already clean dishes before heading off again.

I tell you what. That, my friends, is some good bullshit. In a desperate attempt to show how the Romney / Ryan campaign really does love those pesky poor people, they faked a visit to a soup kitchen where Ryan quite literally didn’t even get his hands dirty. I hear next week he is scheduled to stop by a battered women’s shelter to watch a football game and have a beer or two with the ladies.

If you had any doubts that the Republican Party was pandering for your vote, it should be crystal clear now. But really, now that Palin is out of the way, are any of us going to change our vote based on the candidate for Vice President? The guy we really need to focus on will be debating tonight. I wonder which Mitt Romney will show up this time? Will it be the guy who thinks 47% of Americans are moochers or the guy who believes in universal healthcare? Wait a minute. That’s the same guy. Now I am confused. Which one is black? That’s the guy you can’t trust, right? One of them is a Muslim from Kenya and the other one is a Mormon from Mexico… right? Who is the Republican candidate again? I can’t keep them all straight. Let’s review:

Mitt Romney. Is he the Pro-Life or the Pro-Choice guy?

  • “I respect and will protect a woman’s right to choose.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I never really called myself pro-choice.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “Roe v. Wade has gone too far.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I believe that since Roe v. Wade has been the law for 20 years we should sustain and support it.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • When I am asked if I am pro-choice or pro-life, I say I refuse to accept either label.” ~ Well. There seems to be a ring of truth in that one.

Hmmm. Maybe we should just move on. That’s one of those topics that people are pretty luke warm about anyway. You know us women… we change our minds about abortion about as often as we change our hairstyles. What about a really hot topic like immigration. Is Romney the Dream Act guy or the Put Up a Fence guy?

  • Immigrants should have a chance to obtain citizenship.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I think there should be no special pathway to citizenship. I feel that’s the course we ought to take.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • I mean, I say that jokingly, but it would be helpful to be Latino.” ~ Mitt Romney

OK. Look. You can’t be set in stone about these things. A President has to keep an open mind. What we really need is an honest guy who will level with us. So is Romney the guy who tells the truth or the guy who lies just because he can?

  • “I have a gun of my own. I go hunting myself. I’m a member of the NRA and believe firmly in the right to bear arms.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I don’t personally own a gun. My son does.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I think the global warming debate is now pretty much over and people recognize the need associated with providing sources which do not generate the heat that is currently provided by fossil fuels …” ~ Mitt Romney
  • “I have to tell you with regards to global warming that that’s something, which, you’re right, the scientists haven’t entirely resolved…” ~ Yep. Him again.
  • This is a campaign about the 100 percent.” ~ Mitt Romney
  • There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what… My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” ~ Some guy who looks an awful lot like Mitt Romney

Folks. If you want a jackass for President, then any one of the Mitt Romney guys is your guy. I suggest, however, that if you have a brain in your head you should vote for the other guy. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Oh dear. Now I am thoroughly confused. Does this mean I need to vote more than once?

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HELEN:

Margaret, when you hear a fool talking nonsense you can either call them on their bullshit or just shake your head and smile. Clearly I am the former which gets me into trouble and I need remind myself that maybe I should be a little more of the latter. It was nice to see Joe Biden has already figured that out. God love him, I thought he did well considering he had to be having a Déjà vu evening. Paul Ryan, like Sarah Palin, is difficult to suffer.

While I watched the debate, I often wished that Joe would stop smiling at Ryan and just reach across the table and slap the shit out of him. But, like I said, the Vice President is wiser than this old broad. Just like Palin before him, Ryan believes he has all the answers. Unlike Palin, Ryan is smart enough that he should know better.

Now I am sure comparing Paul Ryan to Sarah Palin is a stretch for some but when you are as old as Margaret and me you see these things a little more clearly. Nothing is more apparent to an older person than a younger person blinded by their own youth. With age comes wisdom. If you doubt me, just wait.

Four years ago, Palin debated Biden and painted the world in black and white – oil and snow. This time Ryan painted it in red and black – debits and credits. Everything gets all summed up in rows and columns where nothing matters but the bottom line. Life has yet to throw him any problem that can’t be solved with a calculator. During the debate, Ryan seemed to boil almost everything down to how much something costs. And the only thing that doesn’t seem to cost too much to Ryan is the price of war. I found that odd considering how tightly he wraps himself in his religious beliefs… which we’ll get to in a bit.

What does it say about the Republican Party that despite our being the richest country on the planet, all they can worry about is how expensive it is to take care of our elderly, our sick and our less fortunate? What kind of statement are they making when they focus almost exclusively on how much richer we could all be if we just spend a little less money on the sick and the elderly? There are more billionaires in America than in the next 10 richest countries combined. We are actually millionaires when it comes to the number of millionaires with almost 5 million Americans having that distinction – more than the next 10 countries combined. But the way Ryan describes it you would never know that the tax burden for American workers is one of the lowest on Earth… or that our defense budget is ten times greater than the next closest country.

The federal budget that Ryan apparently keeps next to his bible has a revenue line of more than $2 trillion dollars. That would be a two followed by twelve zeros. Twelve. It seems to me that Ryan should have a whole lot more than Medicare and Social Security to discuss before he gets to that last zero. We are debating the price of Medicare and Social Security but not the cost of war. I guess that’s why I am not a math person. The bottom line has never had all the answers for me.

All in all, I thought it was a good debate, but the point in the evening that had me on the edge of my seat was near the end when Martha Raddatz asked the two men how their Catholic faith affects their politics.

Ryan seemed not to understand the concept of a separation of church and state despite his infatuation with Iran – a country that clearly can’t separate the two. I think his exact words were: “I don’t see how a person can separate their public life from their private life or from their faith.” As a good Catholic he doesn’t believe in abortion or birth control and can’t separate that from his political life. Four times he has voted to defund Planned Parenthood, and his proposed budget would completely defund birth control, STD screenings, and cancer screenings for low-income women available under Title X.

Considering there are more than 300 religions practiced by Americans including 35 different Christian religious denominations a separation of church and state should make more sense to Ryan than it does. (By the way, I include Mormonism in that 35 even though many Republicans don’t.)

Compare Ryan’s answer to that of the elder statesman sitting to his right: “My religion defines who I am, and I’ve been a practicing Catholic my whole life… But I refuse to impose it on equally devout Christians and Muslims and Jews, and I just refuse to impose that on others, unlike my friend here, the — the congressman.”

I know Biden can’t exactly say what I can. That’s the curse of being a politician. So I am happy to say it here for him…

Mr. Ryan. You seem like a nice guy. Given a little time your heart might actually catch up to your brain. Until then, kindly take your spreadsheets, your bottom line and your religious intolerance and shove them up your ass. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Helen, honey, at times like these I am reminded why we are friends. Bottom line for me – you’re the tops. And to smiling Joe Biden I say – my husband is asleep by 9 and the back door is unlocked.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 10, 2012

The fact that Romney is better at lying is no longer debatable

Margaret, once again I am going to have to call bullshit. I get that most people thought President Obama didn’t put in a stellar performance at the debate. And I understand that his not doing well was newsworthy. After all, he’s done much better in the past with much less on the line. But I can’t believe that I actually need to tell the media just how the cow ate the cabbage on this one.

It’s pretty simple really. The other guy lied.

How can the media continue to make Obama’s poor performance the top story rather than the fact that the other guy looked really, really great while he lied through his teeth?

In the primary debates, Romney is on record as saying that he would lower taxes for the wealthiest Americans because that would lead to job growth. That’s not an assumption on my part. It’s almost a direct quote. But in the debate last week, he said that he wouldn’t lower taxes on the wealthy. Now, one of the two is a lie. So shouldn’t we be focusing on which one is the lie rather than on which candidate looked more excited to be there?

Romney actually claims he will lower taxes for everyone. At the same time he will increase defense spending, not cut Medicare or Social Security, keep most of Obamacare (while simultaneously repealing it) and somehow in the end he will decrease the deficit. I don’t know what he’s smoking but I bet its illegal in the Mormon church.

How in the world can we continue to claim that Romney won the debate? He couldn’t have taken more opposing positions if he was playing a game of Twister.

Left foot yellow. During the debate, Romney claimed that Obamacare “puts in place an unelected board that’s going to tell people ultimately what kind of treatments they can have.” Another lie. But wow what energy in the delivery! The point goes to Romney on style alone. Never has talking out of both sides of one’s mouth looked so good.

Right hand red. Romney wants to repeal Dodd-Frank because the bill designates banks as “too big to fail” and therefore gives them “a blank check.” Yet another lie. But he looked very presidential while saying it so we’ll let it slide.

Right foot blue. Romney also took Obama to task on the economy’s performance over the past four years. Romney said that we have “23 million people out of work…The proof of that is that 50 percent of college graduates this year can’t find work.” In case you didn’t notice that’s a lie followed by another lie. But hey, the President was looking down at the time, so let’s hire a body language specialist and make that the lead story for the next seven days.

Right hand green. Obamacare cutting billions from Medicare was one of Romney’s favorite attack lines. Romney looked straight at the camera and said that $716 billion was cut from Medicare because of the Affordable Care Act. Yes. It was another lie. At this point his pants were literally on fire. You just couldn’t see it because of the podium. However, President Obama looks like he doesn’t want to be here so let’s focus on that and ignore the smoke coming from Romney’s magic underwear.

This country went to war twice because the media was so afraid of appearing liberal that they were too scared to report the truth. I really thought we had learned our lesson with Bush. Calling a liar a liar, even if that liar is a Republican, doesn’t mean you have a liberal bias. It means you are reporting the facts.

Well if the media won’t do it, I will…

This just in: It wasn’t clear at first, but we checked the facts and Romney was lying. He also failed his urine test and is being stripped of any debate medals. It appears now that Obama won the debate. Feel free to call me liberal. I can take it. I mean it. Really.

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HELEN:

Well Margaret, once again I am going to say what the media won’t. Mitt Romney is a lying sack of shit and he wouldn’t know a middle class tax cut if it bit him in the middle of his gold plated ass. Evidently the media seems to think that the person who slings the bullshit the farthest wins the debate. Well if that ain’t the damnest thing.

Who exactly was that man debating the President last night? Clearly somebody finally decided to shake the Etch A Sketch and now Romney is against lowering taxes for the wealthy. He’s also pro choice and for entitlement programs. But what the hell he has against Big Bird is beyond me.

If lying whenever your mouth moves is what they mean by style points then, yes, I would definitely have to say that Romney won the debate. He had to temporarily become a Democrat to do it, but yes he won. And it was clear that even the President didn’t see that one coming.

According to Etch A Sketch Romney there will be no tax cuts for the wealthy. After all, the 14% that Romney has been paying wasn’t so bad once he compared it to what everyone else was paying. Also there will be no government interference in healthcare decisions for Americans. Thank goodness because that government ban on abortion the Republicans want and Romney has promised really was a deal breaker for me. I am also delighted to know that Romney is going to force all of the states to finally implement healthcare reform. Considering they haven’t done it yet, I am not sure what he has in mind but I say bully for him. Yes. Romney needed a game changer and tonight he changed the game alright. He changed parties and became the liberal democrat we all knew he wanted to be.

If anyone out there has any idea of which Romney is running for President, please let me know because I can’t keep them all straight. Is he the guy who wants to end Medicare or the guy who wants to spend more money on Medicare? Is he the guy who wants to control my vagina or the one who believes that government shouldn’t be making healthcare decisions? Is he the guy who thinks that 47% of Americans are victims or the guy who thinks that tax cuts for the wealthy are a bad idea? Is he the guy who wants to work on day one with Democrats in Congress or the guy who on day one wants to reverse everything the Democrats accomplished? Is he the guy who likes Big Bird or the guy who will cancel Big Bird?

Margaret, that man has more faces than I have chins. I can’t keep up with which lie is the real lie. All this would be so much easier if Governor Romney would just do what he says his five sons do: pick a lie and stick to it.

The way I see it, we’re all just a bunch of Big Birds. Romney looks right into the camera and says he likes us, but given the chance, he’ll fry us up and serve us on the closest ironing board Ann can find. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Helen, I couldn’t follow either one of them most of the time. They both seemed a little too angry for my liking. The one I felt sorry for was that poor Jim Lehrer. I’ve left the house many a time and forgotten my teeth too.

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Margaret, I can’t understand why Mitt is behind in the polls.    Just think of the millions of jobs that he has created with his wealth.   Oodles and oodles of them.   Why, the Staples story alone should have put this election away weeks ago.

In 1986, Mitt Romney and Bain provided $4.5 million to two supermarket executives, Leo Kahn and Thomas G. Stemberg, to open an office supply supermarket.  That retail chain called Staples went public in 1989 and by  1996, the company had grown to over 1,100 stores, and by 2008, over 2,000 stores.  Bain Capital eventually reaped a nearly sevenfold return on its investment, and Romney sat on the Staples board of directors for over a decade.  Rumor has it, he hasn’t eaten dinner at an ironing board since.

Well that’s impressive if you ask me.  Why wouldn’t we all line up to vote for that man? All that hard work keeping our economy strong deserves a good ‘ole fashion tax cut and a trip to the Oval Office.  What’s the problem?  It’s all simple math.  Create jobs.  Get a tax cut.  Use your tax cut to create more jobs.   The Republican way.

Now a smart man would simply shut up and let his actions speak for him.  But Mitt is not a smart man.  Instead of shutting up, he said this:

“There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…  My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”

Ouch.  Some of those 47% are eating tuna fish off an ironing board right now.

See, here’s the problem.  Some of those 47% people are like me – old and eligible for Medicare.  Some of those people are like my grandson – smart and taking out loans to get through college because his dad doesn’t have a company to give him right now.   Some of those people are even military families just trying to make ends meet.   But some of those people – those 47% who think they are victims and expect the government to take care of them – are Staples employees who work full-time and are just trying to put food on the table for their families.  We call them the working poor.

An entry level job at Staples pays between $7 and $9 an hour.  If you do the math, that’s between $15,000 and $19,000 a year.    The poverty level in America for a family of three is $18,530.  As long as those hard-working Staples employees believe in birth control and don’t have any kids, they can stay just above the poverty level.   Success!  Vote Republican and wait for your tax cut to arrive in the mail.

Of course, you’ll be waiting quite a bit longer for that tax cut than your boss, the CEO of Staples, who made $9 million dollars last year.  I wonder who that guy is voting for?

The way I see it Margaret, it’s just simple math.  If the Republicans want more votes, they might want to consider handing out some raises at Staples.

The party of Jesus sure has gotten pretty far off track.  They forgot one of his basic rules.  I think it was something about the least among us… otherwise called the 47%.

Vote for the other guy.  I mean it. Really.

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  HELEN:

Margaret, can you believe it?  A reporter called me to ask what I thought of the conventions.  Why would anybody care about that?  I keep telling Matthew that I can’t figure out why the hell anyone wants to read my garbage.  I’m just a cranky old lady who wants her driver’s license back.  It doesn’t matter what I think.

But as long as you are asking…

I think the Republicans had it hard.  After four years of obstructing government, they had to do something really difficult.  They had to put together a convention in Tampa while God flooded Louisianna.  They had to  convince a bunch of white, christians that camels are skinnier and needles have bigger eyes these days. And then they had to breathe life into a $3,000 business suit.

Listen, if you’re going to hold a convention and interrupt three days of my programs, then you better at least tell me something I didn’t already know.  And you better damn well not take me for a fool.  And speaking of fools, Ann Romney broke my heart.   I am still horrified at the struggles she and Mitt had to go through before they got out of wealthy to become fantastically wealthy.  It was just so emotional to watch her standing there in a pair of $1,300 shoes describing the horrors of their early years eating penne pasta and ahi tuna fish on an ironing board because Mitt  asked his Dad for money to start a new business instead of for the new furniture she wanted.   Well, my heart just broke for her.  It did.  And then to discover that the Romney’s had five boys who, even though they each had their own room and a pony, preferred to play war in the living room. Oh the humanity of it all. Her entire married life dealing with rich Republicans playing war.  Can you imagine?  We feel your pain, Ann.  And those other people –  The Obamas.  Why they were young black folks living it up in America. We all know their kind has it so easy.

And speaking of easy, the guy who had it easiest was that Paul Ryan character.  He had to give a speech in just under three hours knowing that he could say whatever the hell he wanted regardless of whether it’s true or not.    Fact: Under the Ryan Budget, most elderly people would pay more for their health care than they would pay under the current Medicare system.  But let’s not tell them that because they’re old and stupid and we haven’t figured out a way to supress their vote.  Fact:  You did request stimulus funds.  I mean money is money right? What self-respecting Republican says no to money?  Even when a black man is doling it out.   Fact:  I could whoop your ass in a marathon.  Just under three hours?  Were you wearing ankle weights?  (OK – I got a little carried away on that last one.)

Seriously, the one who had it the hardest was, of course, Mitt.  He had to look alive and almost human.  He had to explain how he is Pro-Life whenever he isn’t running for an office that needs him to be Pro-Choice.  He had to explain how he turned things around in Massachusetts by inventing Obamacare before Obama so that five years later he could explain how Obamacare is the root of all evil.   And he had to make a case that Democrats are bad for business despite the fact that he amassed a fortune at Bain while Bill Clinton was President.

And speaking of Clinton, the Democrats had it easy.  They have not one, but TWO former Presidents to call on.  Imagine that, two former Democratic Presidents still living.   Alive after all these years.   All the Republicans have in their deck is a pair of jackasses, Dick Cheney and an empty chair.

No.  The Republicans overcame horrific odds.  First, they had to get all those white guys together under one roof in Tampa without an actual Nascar Race taking place.   And then they had to deal with Mother Nature, I mean God, smiting people with a hurricane.  It was so much easier for Democrats to get a diverse audience from all walks of life to come to Charlotte.  After all the entire state of North Carolina is hermetically sealed and environmentally controlled.  Even that weird little guy on Fox News said that Obama knew months ago what the weather would be like on the night he gave his speech.  When I want an unbiased, fair and balanced weather forecast for the next few months, I tune into Fox News for weather on the hour, every hour or in this case on the month, every month.

By all accounts, the Democrats had it easy.  After Tampa, they knew all the secrets.  They knew for instance that fact checkers are going to actually check the facts.  They also knew that remembering and mentioning our soldiers still fighting a war is a good way to show respect.  They even knew that if the candidate’s wife was going to make the case that you understand the hardships of everyday Americans; you might want to make the case wearing shoes that cost less than most people’s mortgage payment.

Maybe it’s just me Margaret, but the Republicans have a real problem.  Eventually a nun is going to show up and remind them that Jesus actually likes poor people.  And I’ll be damned if the Democrats didn’t know that as well.   I mean, if I was Paul Ryan, I’d be saying a few extra prayers before I tuck my calculator in at night.   Because when a nun on a bus calls you out on your Pro-Life bullshit, that’s big.

The Republicans wasted three days of my life last week and they wasted the last four years trying to negate our votes in 2008 by doing everything they could to try and make Obama fail.   He didn’t and I am voting for hope and change again.  In 2008 more than 69 million Americans voted for Obama which means he received the most votes for a presidential candidate in American history.  And some of them were old, white people like me.  Maybe this time, the Republicans in Congress will know we mean it.  Really.

 MARGARET:

Oh dear. Did Reagan die?

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Helen:

Margaret, while God was deciding which state he hated more – Louisiana or Mississippi – the Republicans pitched the biggest circus tent I have ever seen in Tampa and my -oh-my what a show they put on. Do you remember that clown car of candidates that led up to this circus?

Not long ago that car was packed full of nut jobs and we really weren’t sure which one was going to be in the center ring. Gov. Tim from Minnesota was the first clown out after admitting he wanted to cut Social Security and Medicare to balance the budget. (Funny how he’s out but Paul Ryan is in considering they share the same brain.)

Then there was Congressman Thaddeus McCotter who came and went pretty quickly. If you even remember his name, it’s probably not from his presidential run, but rather from the fraud investigation concerning his congressional re-election campaign. But I bet lots of you remember the next clown out – Herman Is that A Pepperoni in Your Pizza or Are You Just Happy to See Me Cain.

I’ll skip Gary Johnson because most everyone did, but that brings me to my personal favorite clown, the Prophet Bachmann. God spoke directly to Michele telling her to run. He forgot to tell her he was just kidding, but this week he did stop by to let her know how much he hates Louisiana and parts of Mississippi. I sure do miss Michele. She was a hoot. But at least we still had Rick Perry to laugh at… I mean with. Seriously, I was sort of sad when he went out because it was beginning to look like Perry was going to be almost as amusing as Sarah Palin. Rick can see Mexico from his kitchen window don’t you know.

And then there were four.

I’m pretty sure Ron Paul still thinks he’s running, but in the end it really came down to Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. It was pretty easy to predict it would be Mitt. After all, Newt was never really campaigning. He was just selling a few books and looking for his next wife – at 46 the current one is getting old. And Santorum didn’t realize that Mitt had already taken his only argument away by switching from Pro-Universal-Healthcare to Pro-Running-for-President. Besides, Santorum should have known if you do your own tax returns, you aren’t even close to being rich enough to be the Republican nominee for President. You have to have at least one or two off-shore bank accounts to get that nomination.

No it was always Mitt. And all he needed to seal the deal was Paul Ryan – a life-long politician who could energize those incumbent-hating Tea Party voters. Like I said, it was some circus. You would have thought, however, that in Florida they could have found at least a few people with a tan to fill the bleachers. I’ve seen more color in a pack of loose leaf paper. The speakers had a litle bit of color but most of it was in their speeches including several Republican Governors going on and on about how well things were going in their States while simultaneously arguing that President Obama had destroyed everything in the other 49.

Even Clint Eastwood made it to the party and he brought an imaginary friend with him. I wonder if he was hearing the same voice last night as Michele Bachmann heard several months ago. But it didn’t really matter that Clint was off message. No one was listening to him anyway. The ones who weren’t throwing peanuts at black people were covering their ears because the imaginary friend in the empty chair next to Clint was saying some really bad words. Bet you can’t guess what color the imaginary friend was?

But the star of the night was Mitt. He gave a good speech managing to talk out of both sides of his mouth and his ass without actually saying much. He did manage to mentioned sanctity of life which is code for legitimate rape stops all sperm. He gave a slight nod to traditional marriage which is code for only one man and one woman can enter into a divorce. And he hinted at religious freedom which I found rather odd considering he doesn’t talk about his own religion because most Republicans aren’t comfortable with Mormonism.

Governor Romney suggested that my proudest moment was when I voted for Obama. Yes. It is pretty high up there on my list. But I was also proud on the day he signed equal pay for women into law. Or the day he ended a war and pledged to end another. I was proud the day he decided American soldiers should be honored regardless of who they love. And again I was proud the day he delivered on his campaign promise to bring about healthcare reform. And you know what, Mr. Romney? I will be proud when I vote for my President again and bring this Republican war on women to an end.

The convention is over and I for one got the message loud and clear – a bunch of white people hate President Barack Obama. But we knew that already.

November seems forever away so y’all might as well pull up a chair and have some pie with me. I mean it. Really.

Margaret:

Clint Eastwood was on? Which movie? What channel? Oh I hope I didn’t miss that one with Meryl Streep and all those beautiful bridges. I love that movie. I knew I should have made Howard turn the channel. He was watching Charlton Heston talk to a chair so I tuned out.

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