Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 31, 2012

I wonder if Clint Eastwood’s Imaginary Friend Speaks to Michele Bachmann’s Imaginary Friend?

Helen:

Margaret, while God was deciding which state he hated more – Louisiana or Mississippi – the Republicans pitched the biggest circus tent I have ever seen in Tampa and my -oh-my what a show they put on. Do you remember that clown car of candidates that led up to this circus?

Not long ago that car was packed full of nut jobs and we really weren’t sure which one was going to be in the center ring. Gov. Tim from Minnesota was the first clown out after admitting he wanted to cut Social Security and Medicare to balance the budget. (Funny how he’s out but Paul Ryan is in considering they share the same brain.)

Then there was Congressman Thaddeus McCotter who came and went pretty quickly. If you even remember his name, it’s probably not from his presidential run, but rather from the fraud investigation concerning his congressional re-election campaign. But I bet lots of you remember the next clown out – Herman Is that A Pepperoni in Your Pizza or Are You Just Happy to See Me Cain.

I’ll skip Gary Johnson because most everyone did, but that brings me to my personal favorite clown, the Prophet Bachmann. God spoke directly to Michele telling her to run. He forgot to tell her he was just kidding, but this week he did stop by to let her know how much he hates Louisiana and parts of Mississippi. I sure do miss Michele. She was a hoot. But at least we still had Rick Perry to laugh at… I mean with. Seriously, I was sort of sad when he went out because it was beginning to look like Perry was going to be almost as amusing as Sarah Palin. Rick can see Mexico from his kitchen window don’t you know.

And then there were four.

I’m pretty sure Ron Paul still thinks he’s running, but in the end it really came down to Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. It was pretty easy to predict it would be Mitt. After all, Newt was never really campaigning. He was just selling a few books and looking for his next wife – at 46 the current one is getting old. And Santorum didn’t realize that Mitt had already taken his only argument away by switching from Pro-Universal-Healthcare to Pro-Running-for-President. Besides, Santorum should have known if you do your own tax returns, you aren’t even close to being rich enough to be the Republican nominee for President. You have to have at least one or two off-shore bank accounts to get that nomination.

No it was always Mitt. And all he needed to seal the deal was Paul Ryan – a life-long politician who could energize those incumbent-hating Tea Party voters. Like I said, it was some circus. You would have thought, however, that in Florida they could have found at least a few people with a tan to fill the bleachers. I’ve seen more color in a pack of loose leaf paper. The speakers had a litle bit of color but most of it was in their speeches including several Republican Governors going on and on about how well things were going in their States while simultaneously arguing that President Obama had destroyed everything in the other 49.

Even Clint Eastwood made it to the party and he brought an imaginary friend with him. I wonder if he was hearing the same voice last night as Michele Bachmann heard several months ago. But it didn’t really matter that Clint was off message. No one was listening to him anyway. The ones who weren’t throwing peanuts at black people were covering their ears because the imaginary friend in the empty chair next to Clint was saying some really bad words. Bet you can’t guess what color the imaginary friend was?

But the star of the night was Mitt. He gave a good speech managing to talk out of both sides of his mouth and his ass without actually saying much. He did manage to mentioned sanctity of life which is code for legitimate rape stops all sperm. He gave a slight nod to traditional marriage which is code for only one man and one woman can enter into a divorce. And he hinted at religious freedom which I found rather odd considering he doesn’t talk about his own religion because most Republicans aren’t comfortable with Mormonism.

Governor Romney suggested that my proudest moment was when I voted for Obama. Yes. It is pretty high up there on my list. But I was also proud on the day he signed equal pay for women into law. Or the day he ended a war and pledged to end another. I was proud the day he decided American soldiers should be honored regardless of who they love. And again I was proud the day he delivered on his campaign promise to bring about healthcare reform. And you know what, Mr. Romney? I will be proud when I vote for my President again and bring this Republican war on women to an end.

The convention is over and I for one got the message loud and clear – a bunch of white people hate President Barack Obama. But we knew that already.

November seems forever away so y’all might as well pull up a chair and have some pie with me. I mean it. Really.

Margaret:

Clint Eastwood was on? Which movie? What channel? Oh I hope I didn’t miss that one with Meryl Streep and all those beautiful bridges. I love that movie. I knew I should have made Howard turn the channel. He was watching Charlton Heston talk to a chair so I tuned out.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 22, 2012

My Vagina Has Legitimate Concerns About Electing Republicans

Margaret, I am aware that some people may call me a single issue voter. Not true. What is true is that the Republicans have become a single issue party.

What Akin actually said was, “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.” And then in his apology he stated, “I made that statement in error. Rape is never legitimate. It is an evil act.”

There are just so many things wrong with that statement that I don’t even know where to begin. I do know, however, that my legitimate foot is going to meet a certain illegitimate ass if I ever run into this Akin fella.

Rape is never legitimate? So that means that rape is illegitimate? And I guess illegitimate rape is when the woman enjoys the attack so much that she gets pregnant? Even in his apology there is no awareness of the real issue. He gives absolutely no thought to the woman – just the man and the “child”? And where does Akin get his opinion on the reproductive system of a woman, or as he calls it “that whole thing”. Clearly he’s a few credits shy of being a gynecologist, but he does have a degree in management engineering. I guess on the weekends, he manages to hang out with doctors and discuss how that whole female reproductive system thing has been engineered to protect itself against rape. Honestly, Margaret, where do they find these asshats? Is it just me, or is there a different Republican each week with his head up my whole thing? What exactly are they looking for up there – a tax refund?

Of course today Republicans everywhere are backtracking from Akin’s whole thing faster than a cockroach when the light comes on. And speaking of a cockroach, Sarah Palin should be coming out of the shadows pretty soon to voice her support of Akin because even women in the Republican party don’t seem to have compassion for the rape victim. Somewhere in Arizona, John McCain is chewing on an aspirin, remembering when the wheels came off a certain Straight Talk Express.

Well Romney and Ryan can run away from Akin all they want, but the fact remains that the current platform held by the Republican Party calls for a constitutional amendment outlawing abortion with no exceptions for cases of rape or incest. It also says the Republican Party supports a “human life amendment” to the Constitution. Akin was simply reading from the talking points.

As far as I can see, today’s Republican Party is about as useful to women as a jockstrap. So I suggest we all put on our big girl panties and head to the voting booth this November because my whole thing has legitimate concerns about electing Republicans. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 14, 2012

Two Wrongs Make a Right Wing Republican Ticket

HELEN:
Margaret, I remember what it was like to be Mrs. Harold Philpot rather than Helen Philpot. In fact, I still sign my checks that way. Mrs. Harold Philpot. Despite what people like Rush Limbaugh will tell you, it wasn’t about not wearing a bra and being a slut. It was about being equal to a man in every aspect. We didn’t fight for women’s rights because we hated men. In fact, there were many, many honest and noble men who joined our fight. That’s why I married Harold and was happy to be Mrs. Harold Philpot. We saw the world in a similar way, him and me. And when we didn’t, we found a way to agree to disagree. We had different beliefs about some big things, and there were even times when we went into the voting booth and pulled different levers. But we still found a way to coexist. Harold was a good man. Except when it came to football. Then he could be a real horse’s ass.

And speaking of a horse’s ass, Romney picked a Vice-Presidential nominee. They say Romney needed to pick a conservative like Paul Ryan to distinguish himself from Obama. I’m not sure why. Romney and Obama look nothing alike. I mean they look nothing alike on paper. Obama campaigned on universal healthcare and then delivered universal healthcare. Romney hates government controlled healthcare. Obama was pro-choice and then he became President and was still pro-choice. Romney is pro-running for President. That Obama even ran as a black man and wouldn’t you know it – he’s still a black man. Romney is a white guy. Which is probably why so many people in the Tea Party are so excited about the Romney/Ryan ticket – neither are black.

I’m sorry, Margaret. That was low… even for me. Obama’s color has nothing to do with it. He’s black. So what. In contrast to Obama, Romney is a man of many colors.

Nope. He’s just a white guy.

What I meant to say is that Romney is white but he has a coat of many colors. No, that’s not right either. That was Donny Osmond. Margaret, what is that expression about a horse of many colors? You know. The one that means you can’t trust Romney any farther than you can throw him?

I can’t think of the expression right now, but what I am trying to say is that you can’t throw Romney very far. He’s too rooted to his principles and an unwavering commitment to his beliefs. Like the way he was pro-choice and now is not because it would prevent him from being a Republican president. And how he believed that government-controlled healthcare was needed and now it isn’t because it would prevent him from being a Republican president. And how he was proud of his record at Bain Capital but only the good stuff. If anything bad happened it was on a day when he called in sick…

Two faced! That’s what I meant to say. It had nothing to do with the color of his face or his coat at all. And I am not even sure why I was thinking about a horse.

When you have as many faces as Mitt Romney, you can understand why he might pick somebody as truly unwavering as Ryan. I mean this guy is solid. Abortion? No way. Throw that woman in jail. In cases of rape? Who cares. Incest? Doesn’t matter. Mother’s life in jeopardy? Screw the mother. The Catholic Church says no, so Ryan says no. And then there’s that age-old Catholic stance on screwing the poor… oops. I guess his convictions to his belief system only go so far considering 62% of the cuts in his budget plan are for programs for the poor. When that child comes into the world be sure and take away healthcare, food, early childhood education. Anything that costs money. That’s not in the budget. Just get that baby here and forget about it. A man of principle with an unwavering commitment to the Catholic Church… I mean his beliefs… I mean the spreadsheet. Now I know why I was thinking about a horse. Paul Ryan is a horse’s ass.

If you are a woman under the age of 39, you might want to trust me on this one. Never vote for a horse’s ass. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:
If I recall, Helen, you were under the age of 39 for about 59 years. Howard says that the expression about a horse changing its colors is a racing term and you should just stick to what you know. I’m not sure about this Ryan fellow, but Howard sure likes him. Of course, Howard’s a numbers guy too. The last thing I need is another budget in my life. I haven’t had a new coat in 40 years much less a coat of many colors.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 9, 2012

The GOP could learn something from the gays – stop worrying about what my vagina is doing.

HELEN:

Margaret, religion isn’t the only thing that shouldn’t get into bed with politics…just ask Nancy Brinker. It certainly doesn’t erase all the good work and noble intentions that went into Komen, but Nancy should never have hired that idiot Republican, Karen Handel, in the first place. You didn’t need to call references to know what you were getting with that one for geeminy sakes. I hope those angry old men over at the GOP are paying attention. If women didn’t allow breast cancer to defund Planned Parenthood, we’re sure as hell not going to let John Boehner & Company get away with it.

If Planned Parenthood is so bad, how come millions of women choose them for healthcare? Who do you think a woman should consult with about her healthcare? A doctor or a politician? And who should make the decision about ending a pregnancy – the woman who realizes now is not the time to bring a child into the world or Rick Perry who humiliates and traps women into having an unwanted child and then denies those same women and children healthcare and a decent education after the delivery? I declare, let’s move on already. This war on women has done nothing but get in the way of good people who are just trying to do the best that they can with what life gives them.

Honestly, I am asking all those Republicans out there who read my little web page blog to once and for all stand up and answer me honestly: Regardless of whether you think abortion is right or wrong, do you really want your government taking away that choice from a woman? I’ll bet dollars to donuts that, other than a few misogynistic nut cases, most Americans really think this is a personal and private decision to be made between a woman, her family and her doctor. It’s not about being pro-life or pro-choice. It’s about being open-minded enough to realize that God’s answer to you might be different from the answer he gives to me. If Republicans want to win more elections, they need to take a lesson from the gays and just leave my vagina alone.

To the Republican Party, I say: You can’t have it both ways… unless you’re Mitt Romney. Either you want a smaller government or you don’t. So will that be one lump or two with your cup of tea? You bunch of asshats. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Helen, finally we completely agree on something. Let’s move on and get politics back to what it is supposed to be about – death, taxes and sex scandals.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | August 2, 2012

I morally object to being morally objectionable to Republicans.

 HELEN:

Margaret, my late husband Harold was a sports fan but he hated the Olympics. He said if your score included style points then it wasn’t a sport, it was a show.  He still watched the Olympics though. I guess there was just enough sport in between the show to keep him interested. But when it came to gymnastics and figure skating he turned the channel. He used to say, “If you want to make it a sport put all the skaters  or gymnasts on the floor and tell them to do flips. No scores. No judges. Last one standing wins.”   I, however, love the Olympics.  I think those Brits probably would like a few more medals, but they do put on a good show… even if the Queen couldn’t be bothered to pay attention.   Funny how we went from Obama and Romney all the time to suddenly two weeks of Michael Phelps all the time.  It’s been a nice break.

But while the Olympics will be over in a week, the Republican war on women rages on.  The Affordable Care Act is finally making birth control, paps smears, breast exams and even breast-feeding supplies at least as affordable as Viagra.  But Republicans were already putting forth bills to reverse that action.  While the rest of us were watching the American women’s gymnastics team win gold,  Denny Rehberg,  a Republican Congressman from Montana,  released a labor, health and education spending bill  that would defund Planned Parenthood, block the implementation of the Affordable Care Act,  and allow any employer to deny women birth control coverage for “moral reasons”.  It would also increase spending for abstinence-only education.   And then there is Missouri Republican Senator Roy Blunt who has a  bill to allow insurance plans to opt out of the requirement on contraception coverage if they have moral objections.

An insurance plan can have moral objections?  So corporations can vote and insurance plans can find me morally objectionable.  What’s next?  Fast food companies can make kids gay?  No wait.  I’m getting confused.  I’m old.  It happens.

Yes.  Not having sex is an alternative to taking birth control pills.  But then again not eating fatty foods is an alternative to open heart surgery.  Anyone have a moral objection to insurance companies covering Cheney’s bypass… es… what’s the plural for bypass?

You know what?  I have a moral objection.   I object to the Republican party deciding that a separation of church and state doesn’t apply to their churches.  Last time I checked, my church didn’t have a problem with birth control and wasn’t trying to force anyone to use it or not use it. If Blunt and Rehberg object to birth control they can certainly start abstaining anytime they wish.  Something tells me their wives already have. I have yet to see any law passed by Democrats that forces Blunt and Rehberg to eat cottage cheese.

Maybe it’s just me, Margaret, but I smell a rat.  In the name of God, love of country and apple pie, the Republican Party’s biggest criticism is that  President Obama is making healthcare affordable.  They can’t even call it The Affordable Care Act.  They have to call it Obamacare.   What does Obamacare even mean?   Sure sounds like “I hate poor people” to me.  But I don’t always hear well at my age.  Maybe it just means “I don’t like a black man as President.”  Because I can’t for the life of me understand how else you explain their constant whining about taking care of the old and the poor.  I thought that doing otherwise was the morally objectionable thing.

Oh well.  Back to the Olympics.  Maybe the gymnasts from Great Brittain can get that Queen of theirs to crack a smile.  She’s beginning to remind me a little of Dick Cheney.  I mean it. Really.

 MARGARET:

I don’t understand it either, dear.  The idea of politics not getting into bed with religion is a pretty simple one.  But lately religion and politics aren’t comfortable with anybody getting into bed with anyone.  Even Howard and I eventually gave up our twin beds.  Now about the Olympics, I am afraid I can’t help you there.  Howard and I don’t watch them either.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 29, 2012

You’re Damn Right Obama Cares. Why Doesn’t Romney?

 HELEN:

Margaret, a few months back I joked with you about Dick Cheney having a heart transplant.  If you recall I told you it should be called a heart implant because he didn’t actually have a heart to begin with.  Yesterday, I was shocked to discover that Chief Justice John Roberts at some point must have undergone a heart implant as well.  Who would have ever thought he would be the deciding vote on the Affordable Care Act or as I like to call it  – Christianity 101, taking care of the sick and the poor.

The existence of Robert’s heart has been a mystery to me for some time now.  He was the champion of the pro-life movement until he announced that Roe vs. Wade was “settled law”.  Then he voted against the Arizona immigration law and I began to think I could hear a faint beat coming from his chair.    Of course he also took a piece of his rib and breathed life into inanimate corporations so creating a heart from nothing is certainly possible if not probable for him.  It does appear that his new heart implant might be taking hold while Dick Cheney’s is extremely unlikely.  But I am not yet ready to test that theory when it comes to a woman’s right to a safe, legal abortion.

And lest you think yesterday’s ruling has nothing to do with abortion, let me remind you what that orange speaker of the house said just before Congress took the vote on this bill:

“A ‘yes’ vote for this government takeover of health care is a ‘yes’ vote for sending hard-earned tax dollars to pay for abortions.”

Now Margaret, I know you hate that I write so frequently about this issue because it brings out the crazies – or as you now like to call them – the asshats.  But what might be “settled law” for Roberts is far from settled for the Religious Wrong who have high-jacked the Republican Party.

Many people will tell you that the Tea Party is about fiscal conservatism, I say bullshit.  It might have been at one point, but today it is an all-out war on women.  The only interest the Tea Party has in making government smaller is that a smaller government will more easily fit in a woman’s vagina.  Oh goodness. I said that nasty word again. Someone should ban me from this webpage blog.

Tea Party-backed GOP candidates—Nevada’s Sharron Angle, Delaware’s Christine O’Donnell, Colorado’s Ken Buck, Kentucky’s Rand Paul, Alaska’s Joe Miller, Minnesota’s Michele Bachmann, and New York’s Carl Paladino to name a few – while not all elected to office all believe that abortion should be illegal even in the case of rape or incest.  When Sharron Angle was asked about it she said, “I think that two wrongs don’t make a right” and went on to advocate turning “a lemon situation into lemonade.”  That’s right honey. Your uterus is Sharon’s lemonade.  Well that’s one recipe that won’t be in my cookbook and now that’s one image I fear I won’t be able to get out of my mind. I’d like to punch Sharon Angle right in her lemonade stand.

They couldn’t get Santorum so now the  Tea Party will settle for Romney.  That’s right, the devil himself, the man who invented Romneycare which led to Obamacare is suddenly acceptable because he is a recent convert to the pro-life movement. Mitt Romney supports the “personhood” initiative that would give human fertilized eggs the legal rights and protections that apply to people, and outlaw abortion as well as some of the most widely used forms of contraception and in vitro fertilization.  Eggs are people.  Corporations are people.  Women, evidently, are not.

Of course, if you want more proof there is my favorite Tea Party Poster Child – Rick Perry – the governor of my great state of Texas.  In the war on women, here’s your General.  This guy must have a pecker the size of a peanut because that is the only reason I can give for his unnatural hatred of women.  Is my description of him too much you ask?  Well let me cook you up you some food for thought:

Texas has several peanut-pecker laws that make access to healthcare more difficult, more expensive and more degrading for women.  Texas requires that abortions after 16 weeks take place in licensed ambulatory surgical centers even though there is no medical reason for that.  The only reason is that ambulatory surgical centers are expensive and therefore hard to come by especialy in many rural communities where healthcare facilites are controlled by the Catholic Church.  Texas also requires that you make two visits to the clinic in order to obtain an abortion.  The first one is for an ultrasound and then you must have 24 hours of mandated reflection.  Your doctor by law must also describe to you in detail how black your soul will become after the procedure as well as provide you with factually inaccurate information such as abortions cause breast cancer. That law was ironically called the Women’s Right To Know Act just in case women thought they were in a Starbuck’s instead of a Planned Parenthood.   That means that most women, especially poor women in rural communities must travel several hours and take off from work not one, but often two days.  I know. I know.  It’s such an important decision and women are so stupid that they would practically fall out of their boudoir and into a Planned Parenthood for their daily abortion if Rick Perry didn’t save them from their own vaginas.  The latest Perry attack? If Planned Parenthood in Texas gets any family planning money from the Federal Government, then no women’s health clinic in Texas will get family planning funding.  We’re throwing the fetus out with the bath water.  This guy is a real jackass.

In truth, the poorest among us, the ones least likely to afford an unwanted child, the ones most likely to have agonized over this decision, and the ones most likely to have found themselves pregnant as a result of abuse – those women are the least equipped to afford additional fees,  travel any distance from their families, and take off any time from their work.  Four hungry kids at home…a husband without a job… you’re working in the morning as a hotel maid and in the evening as a waitress to make ends meet?  Ole’ Rick doesn’t care.  He just wants to make sure he can deny another child that expanded Medicaid funding he just sued the Federal Government over.

Mr. Speaker, read my lips – “ NO MORE VAGINA LAWS”.   Margaret, forgive me.   I know that last sentence was more than you could stand.  But war is hell honey.  Today we won the battle, but the war is far from over.

If you’re a woman voting Republican in the next election, just shoot yourself in your lemonade stand right now and save yourself some time.  I mean it really.

 MARGARET:

I have always enjoyed that you speak your mind, dear.  It’s just that the asshats are mad enough already.  Do we need to rattle their cage more?  Of course, I do live in Maine and it’s a little more civilized up here.  I guess it’s the heat in Texas.  Have some lemonade and find some shade.  Oh goodness.  I guess you better make that iced tea.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 21, 2012

Vagina is a 6 Letter Word

 HELEN:

Margaret, for the life of me I cannot understand how Republican politicians can be so  fixated on telling women what we can and cannot do with our bodies but then be so incensed that we would actually use the medically correct term to describe our front butt.  Yes.  Front butt is what my granddaughter called it until her mother instructed her to call it by the more appropriate term, pee pot.  I, of course, corrected both of them and called it her num num.  Of course I’m being silly Margaret, but this war on women that the Republican Party has waged has risen to the level of absurdity.

It’s a vagina.  I have one.  154 million Americans have one.  197,000 soldiers have one.  111,000 police officers have one with a badge.  When surveyed, all the Republican women who hold elected office reported having a vagina. I’m pretty sure Sarah Palin has a red, white and blue one. I honestly can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Ann Coulter’s vagina but I am quite certain Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s ate a rat on national tv.

Sometimes we call it a hoo ha, but really if Representative Brown had said hoo ha when discussing a piece of Republican legislation written to limit a woman’s access to a safe, legal abortion, I think women everywhere would have been embarrassed for her.  I admit that my generation for many years denied its existence but eventually the women’s movement taught us that the correct term for our privates was in fact vagina.

For the record men don’t have one.  They talk a great deal about them and pass a whole lot of legislation pertaining to them, but at the end of the day they have a wee wee not a hoo hoo.  Newt Gingrich has cheated on at least two vaginas that I know of, but I think he refers to them as ex-boxes.  Rush Limbaugh hates vaginas, but rumor has it he smuggles Oxycontin in his maid’s vagina so I guess he just calls it a pill box.  Mitt Romney used to call them vaginas and actually gave them all the rights and privileges afforded to them under the law but now he simply refers to them as votes he has alienated.

For the record, my vagina pays taxes. My vagina is registered to vote.  This year about 8 million more voting booths will have vaginas in them than talleywhackers, which is odd because the United States still ranks 70th in terms of vaginas in elected office. Vaginas comprise 52% of the population in the United States yet vaginas only hold a quarter of elected offices.  I think maybe it’s time for A Million Vagina March. Does anyone else agree?

If Republicans don’t like the word vagina then maybe they shouldn’t pass laws that force women to have unnecessary transvaginal ultrasounds before seeking an abortion.  I guess Rick Perry didn’t realize that vaginal refers to vagina, but then again he went to Texas A&M so we’re lucky if he can spell vaginal much less realize it refers to a vagina.

A good many of American vaginas have been to a Planned Parenthood clinic and the vast majority of them weren’t there for an abortion.   Some of them needed birth control.  Some of them needed an annual exam.  Most of them didn’t have health insurance.

I’m sorry Margaret. I know that I am making you uncomfortable with all this talk about lady parts.  But my vagina is now over 80 years old and it is pretty damn tired of a bunch of jackass politicians treating it like a second-class body part.  I heard Representative Brown participated in a reading of the Vagina of Monologues outside the Michigan Statehouse.  Well I say good for her.  Here is My Vagina Monologue:  My vagina is an octogenarian. It won the right to vote in 1920.  In 2012 my vagina is going to put that right to good use.  I mean it.  Really.

 MARGARET:

You’re not making me uncomfortable dear.  I have always called it a vagina.  My mother called it her gift.  Howard calls it Around Town Sally Brown which I have never understood.  No.  I am with you on this one Helen.  I would be all for a Million Vagina March as long as it doesn’t go too far and I am home in time for my programs.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | June 4, 2012

Am I wearing orange colored glasses or did John Boehner just pretend to care about women?

Margaret, the Republicans are trying to get into my vagina again.  I wish I knew what was up there that they find so interesting.  This time it was about sex-selective abortions with a bill sponsored by Trent Franks of Arizona.  In spite of the pressing issues with the economy, Speaker of the House John Boehner justified Congress spending more time worrying about a woman’s womb by saying, “This is an important issue to the American people. This type of sex selection most Americans find pretty repulsive, and our members feel strongly about it. That’s why it is being brought to the floor.”  Am I wearing orange colored glasses or did Boehner just pretend to care about women?

Yes.  It is repulsive. I agree.  But then again so are most of the “Housewives” shows on Bravo, and Congress hasn’t passed any laws about that.

The bill never had a chance.  Once again this was another Republican with an axe to grind  against Planned Parenthood just wasting Congress’s time by forcing a vote to get on record who supports abortion and who doesn’t.  As if we didn’t already know by looking through the gun scope crosshairs on Sarah Palin’s rifle.  The Republican party caring about women?  Margaret, that dog just don’t hunt.

In truth, this is a tricky one.  Of course the idea of preferring a male child over a female child is archaic and sex-selective abortions should be repulsive to most Americans – if not all.  But once again the Republicans missed the point entirely and created a bill that clearly was just another attempt to limit a woman’s right to decide when or if she will bring a child into the world. I wonder how these same men would vote if the law was about sexual preference-selection instead of just gender selection?

The law (which didn’t pass) was purposely written so that a woman’s husband or parents, by merely alleging that an abortion is because of gender, could seek injunctive relief to prevent the doctor from performing abortion procedures, and once again the women finds herself in courst about an incredibly private and personal decision.  Boehner and his group give very little credit to the woman.  Just like waiting-periods, invasive transvaginal sonograms, right-to-know laws, and personhood amendments, they got this one wrong too.

Goodnight can’t we just move on already?  We get it.  Republicans want to make sure that no woman anywhere for any reason can have an abortion.  Some even want a restriction on birth control of any kind.  Well I have a solution.  Republican men should refrain from having sex of any kind.  I bet the number of abortions would drop dramatically.  And on a side note, I imagine many women could finally get a good night’s sleep.

A sex-selective abortion is just the symptom.  The actual problem is a sex-selective society where men like Boehner and other Republican leaders continue to make women second-class citizens.  Many of the bill’s supporters have rejected equal pay for women and have tried to slash funding for programs that serve women and children.

Create a society where women – and all people – truly are equal and this problem goes away.  But that really never was the intent of this bill.  I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 30, 2012

In the Republican Party the American Dream is Just an Oxycontin Hallucination

 HELEN:

Margaret, only in America can a white, Christian woman grow up to marry a white, Christian man and live in a lovely home and shop at a Piggly Wiggly.  Maybe I should run for President.  Of course I would need to go back to school and get a degree from Harvard or Yale first.

Now I thought the American public was smarter than this…   Or maybe they are but the Republican base is just messing up the grading curve.  Dress him however you want, but Romney is a rich son of a bitch.  Period.  He can talk all he wants about “Only in America…” but honest to God doesn’t anyone in the Republican Party see the irony in that?  Only in America?  He should say In America Only a wealthy guy in a business suit can get the Republican nomination.   For Christ’s sake, the other guy is a black man raised by a single white woman.  He’s a Christian mulatto who gets confused for a Kenyan Muslim. Now there’s your Only in America story.  And evidently only in the Democratic Party as well.

I don’t have issues with a poor man becoming wealthy any more than I do with a wealthy man becoming President.  But is that all you’ve got?  Mitt’s father’s family was temporarily poor during the depression?  Get in line. His Dad had a pet pony named Monty.   Wow.  Life was real a pile of shit for that guy.  Who names their pony Monty?

Mitt Romney is George Bush all over again. Wealthy kid of a wealthy politician who has no earthly idea what it means to make the money stretch from one paycheck to another…  Only in America my ass.  Only in the Republican Party is more like it:

Only in the Republican Party can a college dropout, married four times with no children call women sluts for using birth control. Maybe the addiction to Oxycontin made Rush sterile?

Only in the Republican Party can a blonde with big feet claim the widows of the 9/11 attacks “enjoyed their husbands’ deaths” and then go on to be a NY Times best-selling author and conservative analyst for Fox News.

Only in the Republican Party can an idiot from Alaska run for Vice President on a platform of abstinence only while keeping an early pregnancy test strip in her purse for when the kids want an after school snack.

Only in the Republican Party can Newt Gingrich, divorced twice (cheated thrice?),  give stump speeches about the sanctity of marriage.

Only in the Republican Party can John Boehner and Donald Trump get their skin that orange.

And only in the Republican Party can Mitt Romney claim to be an example of the American Dream. Of course, in this case the dream is that a pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, liberal governor from Massachusetts grew up to become the conservative nominee for the Republican Party.

Honey, I’m not scared of Romney.  I’m scared of the idiots who vote for him.  I mean it. Really.

 MARGARET:

Only in America will they sell you a sour cream on Monday that has an expiration date on Tuesday.  Now how am I going to use an entire pint of sour cream in less than a day?  And how can you even tell when sour cream has gone bad?  But you know what I say?  When life gives you too much sour cream, make a sour cream coffee cake.  Turn off the news and let’s put that in the cookbook, dear.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | May 11, 2012

Mitt Happens

  HELEN:

Margaret, I just called my friend Patricia to apologize for dipping her hair into that inkwell back in grade school.  I feel bad that I did it and I feel even worse that she no longer remembers who I am or that she one time had hair long enough to put in pig tails.  We’re getting old, Margaret.  And you know what else is getting old?  The parade of schmucks who keep running for political office.

The population of the United States is now over 300 million people.   That means that every four years, one person out of 300 million gets the honor of being President of the greatest country on the planet.  With those odds, you would think the Republican Party could have found someone who wasn’t a dry drunk like George W. Bush… or the bully in high school like Mitt Romney.   I know.  I know.  We all did dumb things when we were young.  Youth.  I miss it like I miss my waistline.  Shit happens… or in this case Mitt happened.  “Back in high school, I did some dumb things,” Romney said. “And if anyone was hurt by that or offended, obviously I apologize for that.”   Me too.  I really do feel bad about dipping Patricia’s hair into that ink well.

Mitt went on to say, “There’s going to be some that want to talk about high school. Well, if you really think that’s important, be my guest.”

Thank you Mr. Romney, I think I will.  I think I will talk about this because unfortunately we don’t seem to have solved the problem yet.  Bullying is alive and well today and it is just as inexcusable today as it was 48 years ago.  You can send your wife out to the media to laugh about your “wild and crazy” high school years but I wonder how the two of you would have reacted if one of your sons had done that that had been done to one of your sons.  Wild and crazy?  Yes, actually.  It was.  And it’s even more wild and crazy today that anyone would want to honor you with the highest office in the land. Mitt was the son of a Governor… born into a privileged life.   You can’t tell me he didn’t know any better.

Mitt and a group of his friends threw a younger boy to the ground and hacked off his hair while he cried and screamed for help. The younger student was believed to be a little light in his loafers by the way, but Mitt now claims that he didn’t know he was gay.  As if that really matters.

Mitt led the charge and did the actual hair cutting.  Maybe I am overreacting here, but I think he just might not deserve to be that one person out of 300 million to be President. Believe it or not, lots and lots of people go through their entire school career and never dip another person’s hair in ink or physically abuse another student.

I have said before, I come from a generation that doesn’t really talk much about gay people.  I remember thinking that a perfectly lovely word had been ruined.  Today, however I say, “Gay marriage?”  Why not?  Everyone should be allowed to be with the one they love.  I honestly don’t understand what all the hoopla is about.  If you don’t agree with gay marriage then don’t marry a man who dresses like Rick Santorum or has hair like Mitt Romney.  If you don’t like gay people simply ignore them.  They probably don’t like you either.  If an octogenarian from Georgia can see that, why can’t privileged politicians?

Margaret,  I really don’t think this is about being gay or the sanctity of marriage.  I think this is about common decency and what we should expect from that one person in 300 million who becomes President.  I’ll be the first to admit that I would not make a good president.  If ever an example of who not to elect there was, I certainly fit the bill.  But let’s slow down for just a second here.  He gathered a group of students.  They tackled a younger student and while that student cried and screamed for help, Mitt Romney, the assumed Republican nominee for President, cut off his hair because he didn’t like the way he looked. Does it matter if that student was gay? Would it be worse if he was black? How about if that student were a woman?  I don’t give a rat’s ass if that student were all three.  One in three hundred million.  One.

Maybe I am old school, as they say, but I really don’t think that one is forgettable much less forgivable when you want to become President.

No one is perfect.  But surely we can elect someone more perfect than that.  I mean it really.

  MARGARET:

Helen, dear, I think this all has to do with the length of time little Mitt was allowed to breast feed.  Or maybe he’s just a asshat.  Probably the latter, dear.

The Cookbook

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