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helen-mug1 From Helen

Margaret, the more Republicans I meet, the more I like my dog. Just once I would like to see a politician with an ass too small to fit his own head. It has been a rough few weeks sitting back trying to get my rest and stay out of politics, but honestly, there seems to be no end to this madness and I once again find myself not able to keep my mouth shut. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Let me count the new ways the Republicans found to wear their ass for a hat…

One. I heard a Congressman from Texas today say that Obamacare was forcing hard-working, middle class families to purchase health insurance they don’t need. Now there is a congressman who has definitely put his head in a place where the sun doesn’t shine. Show me someone who doesn’t need health insurance and I’ll show you the second coming of Jesus. And for the record, it’s called the Affordable Care Act because before it was passed, healthcare was no longer affordable for most Americans. Do these Tea Party asshats really take us for fools?

Two. We are a country that blindly followed Bush’s codpiece into “preventive” war not once but twice. Now a bunch of children get gassed to death by a dictator and we are suddenly too weary for war. Really? Republicans too weary for war. Sounds to me that they are too weary for a black commander-in-chief. Oh dear me. Did I say that out loud? God forbid someone suggest that Republicans are racists. He’s a Muslim from Kenya with a fake birth certificate…short version: he’s black.

Three. Not crazy enough for you? How about thinking the answer to gun violence is more guns? We’re up to what, about one mass shooting a month now? It sure seems like there are plenty of guns to go around. How about we try a different approach like asking ourselves why we need more guns than actual people in this country. Are there really that many deer to hunt? And something tells me if the British are coming again, it’s not with muskets. One thing is for sure: Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.

Four. Oh but for the love of God if Texas wasn’t dealing with enough crazy already with Rick Perry, we now have to deal with Ted Cruz. Now here’s a guy who talks in circles so effectively, it’s no wonder his head eventually ran into his ass. In an effort to show off his grasp of the situation, he had to go and bring Dr. Seuss into the mix. For the record Senator Cruz, the moral of Green Eggs and Ham is to try something new… you might like it. For example, 40 million people might actually like having access to healthcare. Cruz staged his ridiculous talk-a-thon against cutting off debate only to then turn around and join 99 other senators in voting to cut off the debate. He’s no Wendy Davis. That’s for sure. But exactly what should we expect from a man who said, “We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.” If brains were leather, Cruz wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.

I could go on, but must I really? Let me sum it up for you. Now that the government is closed, will hard-working, middle class federal employees get paid? No. Will Congressmen get paid? Yep. They’ll continue to get their $174,000 a year, and they will have health insurance as well. Asshats everywhere. I mean it. Really.

margaret-mug1 From Margaret

Helen dear, you would think their heads would be too big. Then again, thinking doesn’t seem to work in this situation. I wonder which part they hate more – the Obama or the Care?

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | July 13, 2013

Tampons don’t kill people. Republicans do.

Margaret, last night there was a rally at the Texas State Capitol to let Rick Perry and the Republican controlled House and Senate know that Texas women have had enough of this backward ass war on women. And do you know what those crazy asshats did? They confiscated everyone’s feminine hygiene napkins at the door. Now there is some good bullshit if you ask me.

As God as my witness, you could legally carry a concealed weapon into the Texas Capitol but you had to surrender your tampons. I can only assume the Texas legislators… I guess Rick Perry decided… The State Troopers.. You know what, Margaret? For the first time in my life I’m speechless. What in God’s name has gotten into these yahoos?

If Rick Perry, a C minus college student, can be trusted with making his own healthcare decisions, why the hell can’t my A+ college graduate daughter do the same? Pro-life my ass. Perry is about as pro-life as any governor who has presided over hundreds of executions. Which is to say Perry is about 250 executions short of being pro-life. And for the record, pro-choice does not mean pro-abortion. Being pro-choice means you trust women to make the right decisions for themselves and their families when it comes to healthcare.

And Rick Perry might not be running for governor again, but those two morons Abbott and Costello… I mean Abbott and Dewhurst are and they make Perry look almost sane. So this fight isn’t over. I’m in this for the long run. Are you with me Wendy?

Texas women might have lost the battle but we sure as hell plan to win the war. And they can pry the tampon from my cold, dead hands. I mean it. Really.

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Margaret, if my vagina could shoot bullets it would have fewer regulations on it.  Plus, it would be easier to conceal from idiot politicians like Rick Perry and John Kasich.  And while that might be a bit graphic for even me, it’s a sad but very true statement.  We women in Texas (I can’t speak for the women of Ohio) are madder than hell and I think it’s time again for another Ann Richards to come make things right – God rest her soul.  Years ago she said that government should “open the doors and let the people in.”  Well ready or not, here we come.  And this time, we’re bringing a Harvard grad named Senator Wendy Davis.

For years now, Governor Perry has waged a war on women based on conversations he has with God and his pastor.  It’s a given that Rick’s god speaks to him in a male voice.  I am sure he has never considered the alternative.  According to his god, women can’t be trusted to make healthcare decisions.  As a result Perry has decided to make it hard for poor women (and soon almost any woman) to even have access to healthcare at all – problem solved.  When you gut funding for family planning, force doctors to perform unnecessary procedures on women (and only women) and then shut down dozens of women’s health clinics… well let’s just say it’s not a stretch to suggest that Rick Perry hates women.  But as far as his desire to end abortion, he doesn’t have a clue.  All of his efforts will simply decrease the number of safe, legal abortions and increase the number of unsafe, illegal abortions.

I am old enough to remember what happens to women who don’t have access to safe, legal abortions.  I lost a few friends in those days.  But, I guess if you don’t like women, killing a few is of no concern.  Can you imagine the outrage if we were legislating a penis?  Would the out-crying of voters be called an unruly mob then?  Not a chance.   It would be called the Texas Legislature.

Rick Perry, bless his heart, doesn’t have the good sense God gave a goose – otherwise known as a C minus average at Texas A&M University.  That boy hasn’t had a light on in the attic since someone in kindergarten told him he had nice hair.  Perry says that A&M shaped him into the person he is today.  What shape is obtuse?  He earned a C in U.S. History, a D in Shakespeare, and a D in the principles of economics.  Perry even got a C in gym which might explain why he finds joy in picking on defenseless, poor women who can’t fight back.  I don’t even know what to say about his C in animal breeding.  If the man can’t even figure out how animals reproduce, why do we expect him make rational decisions about women’s reproductive freedoms?

Unfortunately Rick is not the only Governor who has taken up gynecology on the side. Over in the great state of Ohio, a certain Mr. Kasich seems to be fine with keeping helpful health information from rape victims.  And in North Carolina they plan to tell 7th graders that if you have an abortion, you’ll never be able to have any more children.   Hmmm.   Lying to rape victims and children.   Republicans everywhere must be so proud.

You know what gets me, Margaret?  These holier-than-thou types who have to lie and mislead because people don’t want to buy their brand of religion are nothing more than hypocritical bullies.  Just like Jesus taught us…whoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when you depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet… and then lie to them and force them to do what you want.

And for those women out there, who think this is really about saving innocent babies, let me assure you it’s not.   Republican politicians have passed legislation to define pregnancy as beginning at fertilization which means most types of birth control are now defined as causing abortions.  You might want to think about that really hard.  Are they saving babies or just calling you a slut?  Honestly, Perry and Kasich think women run to Planned Parenthood like it was a 7-Eleven.  I’ll take a soda, a bag of chips and an abortion please.

To Perry, Kasich and the other asshat politicians who want to regulate women’s bodies I have one thing to say:  Get your religion out of my vagina and back into your heart where it belongs.  I mean it.  Really.

VOTE IN 2014.

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Margaret, just when I was thinking I could go back to minding my own business baking bread and watching my shows, another small-dick Republican has to prove that the size of his tiny pecker doesn’t prevent him from screwing a whole lot of women. And so here I am again, typing instead of baking. You know me. When I’ve got nothing good to say, I usually say it.

Add the name Glenn Hagar to our ever growing list of Asshats. This one is still wet behind the ears and thinks his wife Dara should be barefoot and in the kitchen. Want to know why Governor Rick Perry really called a special session? Laws that they couldn’t pass in the regular session can be pushed through in the majority-rules special session. Laws like the one sponsored by State Senator Glenn Hegar from Katy. Hegar thinks screwing poor women in rural Texas is fun and he has sponsored a law that will screw millions of them by closing down women’s health clinics throughout the state. In between bragging about how godly he is, Hegar’s website offers us this description of little Glenn – Senator Hegar is a true conservative who strongly defends the values of faith, family, and freedom. Of course if by freedom you mean freedom for men to control women – well then yes, I guess that’s a true statement. Just like the gun owners he also champions, Glenn wants to have a pecker but not take responsibility for firing it.

Glenn wasn’t alone in this mind you. His accomplice is an idiot named Rep. Jody Laubenberg, a Botox bitch from Parker. Yes, Jody is a woman who apparently would eat her own vagina to prove she is loyal to Rick and Glenn. Wait. That didn’t sound right. She would eat her unborn child to prevent another woman from having access to… No. That’s not right either. Oh hell. What do you say about a woman who thinks that another woman who has been raped should not have access to an abortion because…and I quote, “In the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits, where a woman can get cleaned out.” Now there is a real idiot’s idiot. Never mind that rape kits have nothing to do with cleaning out anything. The fact that a woman would have no sympathy for another woman’s rape. Well, I just didn’t think I would live long enough to see that.

But thank goodness for women like State Senator Wendy Davis who actually paid attention in school and developed her brain instead of an unhealthy fascination with plastic surgery like Ms. Laubenberg. Right now Wendy is filibustering in the Texas Capitol to stop Rick, Glenn and Jody from taking us any farther back into the dark ages. If you live in Austin, head to the Capitol and cheer her on.

It’s all too clear now. Rick Perry’s personal little special legislative session was just another pathetic attempt to continue his never-ending war on women. Perry and his Aggie Boy Toy Hagar can’t wait to screw millions of women. I’m still unclear what’s in it for Jody – maybe a lifetime supply of Botox? This time the small-minded and even smaller-dicked Republicans in the Texas Legislature are attempting to deny the full spectrum of reproductive healthcare to the millions of poor women in rural Texas. The laws those asshats are trying to pass will mean that only rich women in Austin, San Antonio, Dallas and Houston will have access to an abortion– everyone else can just go have a few more babies or find a coat hanger. Lucky for Dara Hegar. She lives in Katy just outside of Houston. She and her daughters will have no trouble getting an abortion should they so choose. And good thing Jody lives near Dallas so that her daughter, Liz, can still get an abortion despite Mother’s nasty law. And as we all know, they are the ones who usually do.

Somebody get me a magnifying glass. If there’s going to be a vote, I want to see if Glenn Hagar is man enough to take on the masses of women in District 18 who will vote him out of office during the next election. But my money is on Wendy. Go, honey. Go. I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | April 25, 2013

Nobody will ever need to be shushed in the Bush Library

Margaret, the next time you go on one of those cruises, you’re just gonna have to take me along because I need a vacation.   Fine wine may mellow with age but I sure as hell haven’t.  I watched the dedication today for that architectural oxymoron known as the George W. Bush Library.  That man was and remains an idiot.  In fact, the only one in the family who seems to have any brains at all is the mother, Barbara Bush, who said the country has had enough Bushes’ in the White House.  I couldn’t agree more.  I hear, however, that she’s a real bitch.  That’s certainly alright by me.  It takes one to appreciate one.

While watching the dedication I was reminded of his idiocy (I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully) as well as his  arrogance (I am the decider).  Lord help me.  I wonder if that man’s library even has books.  I bet nobody ever has to be ssss-hushed in that place.   It’s probably filled with paint-by-number sets.

It just kills me that we put that idiot in office… twice.  But I guess there has never been a shortage of idiots in politics.

And speaking of idiots, it seems like every time there is an explosion in the world, Ann Coulter and a bunch of other old white Republican men crawl out of their caves long enough to thump their chests for the cameras.  Funny how a bunch of yahoos clinging to the 2nd Amendment after kindergarteners are murdered, suddenly want to throw the  rest of the constitution to the curb because this time the culprit was a Muslim using a pressure cooker.  That monkey of an author, Ann, summed it up best when she said that the bomber’s wife “ought to be in prison for wearing a hijab.”    I had to look that word up.  It’s that religious veil worn by Muslim women.  I guess the constitution only applies to Christian Americans – you know, value voters who seem to have no values beyond the latest sale at Wal-Mart.  Give them time and they’ll argue that you should be allowed to yell “fire” in a crowded mosque.

I am tired of idiots.  Could the real Republican party grow a pair and clean their house so this country can finally get back on track.  I mean it.  Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | January 6, 2013

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 1,500,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 27 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!

Click here to see the complete report.

helen-mug1 HELEN:

Margaret, when someone comes at you with a gun, respond with a gun. And when someone comes at you with a bigger gun, don’t mess around – trade up to a semi-automatic assault rifle with a hi-capcity clip. Fight violence with more violence. That’s cleary the only way to respond to the horror in Connecticut… if you’re a dipshit from the NRA.

Are they bullshitting us? Some peckerwood named Wayne LaPierre at the National Rifle Association announced that the NRA would form the National School Shield Emergency Response Program. And by that he means “armed security” at every school. I don’t know Margaret, NSSERP doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily as NRA. This from the people who came up with “Trigger the Vote” as a voter registration slogan for the last election. I guess I expected better.

According to LaPierre, “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” Clearly the idea of not having access to the gun in the first place escapes LaPierre, but with a name like that I imagine he became infatuated with guns at an early age. Of course, asking the NRA for a solution to gun violence is like asking Wal-Mart for a solution to big box stores. Somehow having more of them was going to be a given. I wonder if LaPierre knew that just such a security person was on duty at Columbine High School in 1999? My guess would be that fact was overlooked by Mr. LaPierre considering he spends most of his time with his head up his ass.

But really, what the hell do I know? I am just a stupid old woman whose biggest claim to fame is cooking almost anything in bacon grease. But even I can grasp the concept that guns designed to shoot 30 bullets in 10 seconds or 100 rounds without reloading have no business being sold in the first place. Holding gun owners accountable for storing their guns safely from those not legally allowed to use them doesn’t require much deep thought either. Creating a market where bullets are more expensive than a McDonald’s hamburger might be worth considering as well. This is not rocket science. However, I am sure if the NRA were totally honest, they would admit to wanting a few rocket launchers on the school lawn as well. I hear that in addition to killing bad guys they can take out a lot of deer with one launch.

If we follow the logic of LaPierre, we need armed security at elementary schools, middle schools, high schools, college campuses, movie theatres, malls, churches, office buildings, grocery stores, parades… I guess the NRA needs to create the National Everywhere Shield Emergency Response Program (NESERP). Now that has a nice ring to it. Sadly, with almost 300 million guns in America, we’re already there thanks to the lobbying efforts of the NRA.

Mr. LaPeirre also called on Congress to create “an active national database of the mentally ill”. I couldn’t agree more. The first name on that list can be his. I mean it. Really.

margaret-mug1 MARGARET:

Helen, dear, did you know you can buy a Smith & Wesson M&P 15-22 designed and built as a true .22 LR semi-auto from the ground up, with all the standard operating features and accessory specifications of a modern-version centerfire M&P15 rifle in various colors including “Pink and Platinum”? It could match my outfit. I hear they’ll even throw in a few hi-capacity magazines for free. Honey, you just can’t separate a discussion on gun control from one on mental illness. They kind of go hand in hand. LaPierre is just one more asshat to add to our list of many.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | December 15, 2012

Guns do not kill people. They just make it easier to kill people.

Margaret, can we – the American People – finally have a rational conversation about gun control?

It was an elementary school this time – an elementary school with children the same age as my grandchildren. I can hardly bear it. Those poor precious children…

Is the insanity of this enough for us to finally kick the militia morons to the curb and have an intelligent conversation about the real reason for the Second Amendment?

Yes. I know. Guns do not kill people. People using guns kill people. The same can be said about tanks.

I have no doubt that in the coming days we will learn that no laws or gun control of any kind could have prevented this tragedy. There are millions of guns already out there and new gun control laws won’t do anything about that… bad people can always find a way to get a gun. Most gun owners are responsible people who have legitimate reasons to own a gun. So there’s nothing we can do, right?

Bullshit. Not doing anything is not the answer. It’s the problem. I refuse to believe that hunters and responsible gun owners can’t have a meaningful conversation about better gun laws with citizens who do not wish to own guns.

We are already hearing about the mental instability of the shooter – a child himself. And there will be meaningful conversation about the lack of good mental health policies and how that was the cause of all this and not gun control laws. Everyone can agree that mental illness, just like any illness, should not go untreated. So where is the disconnect? Why are conversations about mental illness and gun control mutually exclusive? Please Dear God if Republicans and Democrats can ever come together about something, this must be it. And for those of you who think now is not the time to talk about gun laws, I wholeheartedly agree. That conversation should have happened long ago. And it definitely should have happened before 20 precious children lost their lives.

It doesn’t matter what type of gun was used. It doesn’t matter if that gun was obtained illegally or legally. It doesn’t matter if the person was mentally unstable or just plain evil. What matters is that the most powerful country on the globe must have an intelligent conversation about the manufacturing, sale and ownership of guns without someone screaming nonsense about the 2nd Amendment.

Guns do not kill people. They make it easier to kill people. There are 314 million Americans and we own almost 300 million guns. That is the very definition of mental illness. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, I am beginning to wonder if there are any grown ups left in the Republican party .

I ‘ve been asking myself that question since 2004 when George Bush got 35 more electoral votes and 4.1 million more popular votes than John Kerry. The next day he announced that he had political capital and he “intended to spend it ‘cause that’s the kind a guy I am.”   I swear that man was the biggest jackass ever to live in the White House.

It was so good to see an adult take office in 2008 when Barack Obama won 192 more electoral votes and almost 10 million more popular votes than John McCain. But then the Republicans obstructionism in the Senate started and eventually, thanks to the dumb asses in the Tea Party, the complete collapse of any type of governing ramped up 2 years later in the House. They vowed Obama would be a one term President, and everything we learned in kindergarten went right out the window.

This year, Obama won by 126 electoral votes and more than 4 million popular votes.  Always changing the rules of the game, the Republicans are demanding that Democrats need to compromise.  I hear that  McConnell and Boehner actually bragged to the press that they laughed at the President’s plan.  Just who the hell are these guys?  Even Fox News eventually had to call the election for Obama.  You know what, Margaret? If Obama were to leave a flaming bag of shit outside Boehner and McConnell’s office doors, I’d cheer him on. Higher taxes for the wealthy was pretty much the central theme of the election.  Mitt was against it. Obama was for it.  Mitt lost.  End of story.

How about the Republicans finally tell Grover Norquist and the other wackos in their party to sit down and shut the hell up? I know if we leave it up to those Tea Party nut jobs, they’ll be digging up Ronald Reagan’s dead body and running him in 2016.

The Republicans want compromise? How’s this:

  • In exchange for Republicans agreeing to once and for all  get out of our vaginas and our bedrooms, we Democrats will let you start another war just as soon as you get another Bush in the White House.
  • In exchange for Republicans agreeing to fully fund the social safety net for this nation’s poor and elderly, we Democrats will do everything in our power to starve camels and make the eye of the needle wider.
  • And here’s the really big one – If Republicans will agree to take Rush Limbaugh and Karl Rove and make them simply “disappear”, we Democrats will not let Bill Clinton speak at the 2016 Democratic Convention.

In truth, I am pretty disgusted with all politicians right now.  They’ve all gotten a little too predictable for my taste.  Republicans want more money for the wealthy and more war. Democrats want to take care of the poor, the elderly and want more money for education programs… On second thought,  I’m really just disgusted with Republican politicians.

If this is the best we can expect from Republican leadership,  we have a bigger problem than going over some cliff.  How about we just pass the President’s plan?  If it fails, the Republicans might actually stand a chance in the next election.  If it succeeds,  the Republicans might finally have to move into the 21st Century.

Show me a fiscal cliff and I will gladly push McConnell and Boehner over the edge.  Maybe then the grown ups can roll up their sleeves and get something done.  Because how the hell is any deep thinking going to happen if those two  insist on spending the whole day pissing in the baby pool?  I mean it. Really.

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Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 19, 2012

Thanksgiving Letter to the Family 2012

Dear Family,

I’m not dead yet.  Thanksgiving is still important to me.  If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.   Not 2:15.  Not 2:05.   Two.  Arrive late and you get what’s leftover.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house.  This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot.  You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.  Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things.  Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

  1.  The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.   The television stays off during the meal.
  2. The” no cans for kids” rule still exists.  We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two.  Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty.  All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
  3. Cloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up.  This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.  Save yourself some time honey.  You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you.  Buy something from the HEB bakery.
  4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy.  That is a fact of life.  Your children can eat healthy at your home.  At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
  5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease.  That’s nothing new.  Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs.  Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it.   That’s why it tastes so good.  Not eating bacon is just not natural.  And as far as being healthy… look at me.  I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
  6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
  7. I do not like cell phones.  Leave them in the car.
  8. I do not like video cameras.  There will be 32 people here.  I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
  9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids.  I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over.  Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
  10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives.  I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too.  I can live with that.  Can you?
  11. Words mean things.  I say what I mean.   Let me repeat:  You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything.   And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.  Really.  This doesn’t have to be difficult.
  12. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch.  That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
  13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas.  Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

The election is over so I’ll watch what I say and you will do the same.  If we all stick to that, we’ll have a good time.  If not, I’ll still have a good time but it will be at your expense.  In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.  Drink until it is gone.  I prefer wine anyway.  But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.  I mean it really.

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