Margaret, all I can say is a clown car pulled up to the Reagan Library and a whole lot of stupid came tumbling out.  And the one female representative on stage spent the evening lying while calling the front runner a liar.  There were just too many asshats to talk about each of them, but here is my best attempt to talk about some of them…

If Donald Trump really thinks Carly Fiorina has a pretty face, then my late husband really thought I had a skinny ass.  Both are bad at lying.  My point really being, who gives a crap? This isn’t one of Trump’s beauty pageants.  These are the people who want to become the next President of the United States.  Never in my life would I have believed that things could be worse than Sarah Palin.

Donald, honey, Mexicans are not all bad any more than Americans are all good.  Kim Davis, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, George Bush… need I say more?  In life we have to take the good with the bad, but I would suggest that if you look for the good in people, you might actually find the good in people.  Sometimes I should take my own advice, but this lot of candidates makes it very hard to see the good in the GOP.

Love him or hate him, Donald is the front-runner because he embodies the beliefs of the current Republican Party.  He’s quick to fight.  He hates people who are not like him. He judges women by the way they look. He thinks a big wallet excuses all faults.  Sound familiar?  If the Republicans don’t want him as a front-runner, then maybe they should take another look at their party’s platform.

And speaking of that party’s platform, how the hell did a woman end up there?  Oh that’s right.  She has a lot of money and she hates women.   Republicans, including Fiorina, opposed the Lilly Ledbetter Act, the Family Medical Leave Act,  paid sick-leave and pay-check equity.  Carly might have been a woman once but today Caitlyn Jenner has more X  chromosomes.

If Carly is going to use edited videos to make her point, maybe she should actually watch the edited videos which clearly she did not.  There is no footage of a fetus kicking and screaming while Planned Parenthood plots to harvest its brain.  As a woman, why lie about an organization that does more to help women in a day than you will ever do in a lifetime?  It was like watching an episode of Finding Bigfoot.  They never find one but gosh by golly they sure do think it’s real. I think women all over the world heard very clearly what Carly said, and most of them called bullshit.  And good Lord but she always looks madder than a wet hen.  Honey, have you given any thought to what being a Republican woman is doing to your health? Oh that’s right.  You don’t care about the health of women.  You want to defund Planned Parenthood.

If you have to lie about Planned Parenthood to make your point, maybe your making the wrong point. And speaking of making the wrong point…

Jeb Bush said his brother kept us safe. Jeb! Bless his heart.  Jeb’s so useless if he had a third hand he’d need an extra pocket to stick it in.   I’m sorry your mother didn’t love you enough.  Get over it or get some therapy.  Either way, I agree with your mother about one thing.  We don’t need another Bush in the White House.

Marco Rubio.  Chris Christie.  Rand Paul.  The professor and Mary Ann… On this Trump and I agree.  Why were any of them  even up there?

I could go on, but then this story would be as long as that debate.  And that would not be a good thing.  I mean it. Really.

Margaret, I had a hell of a good time watching the news last night.  Sending that Davis girl to jail has the GOP madder than a wet hen.  Huckabee says that Christianity has now been criminalized in America.  That asshat Ted Cruz called it Judicial Tryanny.  And Rand Paul warned that local governments might just have to get out of the marriage business.  Lord I sure wish the rapture would finally happen so the rest of us could get back to enjoying a world with fewer idiots in it.

Speaking of idiots, Trump said he really didn’t know much about it.  Bless his heart. She’s not Mexican or Chinese so Donald didn’t know what to say.

Now I feel for little Kim Davis.  I really do.  Poor thing looks like something the dog’s been hiding under the porch.  But that’s what four marriages, three divorces and a few kids out of wedlock can do to a person with strong moral convictions.

My, my but Huckabee, Cruz, Paul and the rest of them have certainly lowered the bar on sacrifice these days.  Used to be you had to actually die a horrible death to become a martyr.  Now you just have to be a hypocrite who ignores the law and  refuses to do your job.  Somehow I think Christianity wouldn’t have caught on so well without the cross.  Sadly, the man on that cross preached tolerance, forgiveness, love and something about doing on to others…  Makes you wonder how Kim would have felt if a Catholic County Clerk had refused to issue her that fourth marriage license.

Here’s the oath Kim took when she was elected.  (Warning, this is Kentucky we’re talking about so it gets a little odd in the middle.  Just pay attention to the beginning and the end):

“I do solemnly swear (or affirm, as the case may be) that I will support the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of this Commonwealth, and be faithful and true to the Commonwealth of Kentucky so long as I continue a citizen thereof, and that I will faithfully execute, to the best of my ability, the office of County Clerk according to law; and I do further solemnly swear (or affirm) that since the adoption of the present Constitution, I, being a citizen of this State, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons within this State nor out of it, nor have I sent or accepted a challenge to fight a duel with deadly weapons, nor have I acted as second in carrying a challenge, nor aided or assisted any person thus offending, so help me God.”

Now I don’t know anything about that dueling part, but she started by solemnly swearing to support the constitution and then ended with a “so help me God“.  I think that makes giving out marriage licenses to people legally allowed to get married part of faithfully executing the office of the County Clerk. Anyone disagree?  And if she isn’t willing to fulfill her duties then so help me God she can step down.

Funny thing in all of this… Kim says she’s a Democrat.  Well as far as I’m concerned, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and uses religion to justify hate, then it’s a member of the GOP by default. I mean it.  Really.

Margaret, here is the thing about religion: Faith is a wonderful thing until it becomes certainty; at which point it becomes fanaticism.  If there was only one true religion, fanaticism wouldn’t be all that bad.  But there’s the rub, honey. Not only are there many different religions; there are many different versions of each religion. These days  religious beliefs are like a backside.  Everyone’s got one and often times they stink.

If you’re a Baptist, you probably shouldn’t work at a liquor store or a dance hall.  If you’re a Catholic, you probably shouldn’t work at Planned Parenthood or any organization that thinks women should have a voice.  And if you’re an idiot, you probably shouldn’t get yourself  elected as a County Clerk in Kentucky.

My late husband was Catholic.  I am a Methodist.  I cooked and he did the dishes.  Thank God we didn’t live in Kentucky because he would have starved and I would have had dishpan hands.

If we can’t all get along in the name of Jesus then can we get along? I don’t know, but imagine asking that question in the Middle East much less the middle of Eastern Kentucky.  Of one thing I am certain:  I’d rather live my life believing there is a God and finding out there isn’t, than believing there is no God only to find out there is.  The problem is that some want to make a dialogue out of what is essentially a monologue. And some so badly want to have a conversation with God that often they decide to make up his part of that conversation as well.

My religious beliefs don’t have to affect your religious beliefs.  In fact, you can even have no beliefs and we can still be friends and agree to live  and let live.  That, my friend, is what having faith really means. And I really do mean that.  Really. 

Margaret, let’s be clear.  I am obviously using the term vagina in the narrowest sense of the word as defined by the Republican Party: a noun referring to women.  And it was pretty clear at the debate that vaginas  have no value unless a baby needs to pass through one on its way to church or its minimum wage job.  Of course, if that baby is black or brown, then the intended destination changes to either prison or Mexico respectively.

I don’t pretend to think that any of the presidential candidates will ever read what I write, but if they did I hope they will remember this:  

Millions of women have been going to Planned Parenthood for nearly 100 years.  We all remember the exceptional care and the quality of the information we received from the staff at those clinics. We remember when Planned Parenthood staff held our hands and comforted us during some of our scariest moments.  We remember the relief we felt when they provided us with medically accurate information that we so desperately needed.  And women of my age also remember what it was like when safe, legal abortions were not available.

Contrary to what Republican men think, none of us ever went into a Planned Parenthood for a well woman exam, cancer screening or birth control  and mistakenly had an abortion instead.  We know what Planned Parenthood is and that is why we love and support its mission.

And in 100 years, millions of women have trusted and supported Planned Parenthood much the same way Republicans blindly trust and support the NRA.  So to the Republican Presidential Candidates I say in the only words they seem to understand: You can close Planned Parenthood when you pry it from our cold, dead hands. I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | July 31, 2015

When Did Pro Life Become Pro Lies?

Margaret, this Planned Parenthood scandal seems to be all hat and no cattle – something I’ve come to expect more and more from the religious right. If honesty isn’t your best policy then join the Rebublucan party and make some shit up.

Here’s the story in a nutshell. (The key word being nut.) People who are upset about abortions are also upset about people talking about abortions. Wow. Someone call Fox News. We’ve got a story here. If we can’t make abortions illegal, let’s make talking about them illegal.

How about this instead… 

I’m a nurse so I get that doctors, in particular, don’t have the best bedside manners when it comes to talking about the science of healthcare. Yes. It’s a science. I didn’t so much appreciate the way they talked about my breasts when I was diagnosed with cancer. They were my breasts after all, but the way my doctor talked about them you would have thought they weren’t attached to my body. So I get it.  My late husband, Harold, felt the same way about testicular cancer.

But that isn’t a crime. It might be a crying shame but not a crime. Do I wish that the doctors in those videos displayed a little more compassion? Sure. But do I think the greater show of compassion is respecting the privacy and personal decisions of women to manage their own healthcare? Damn right I do.

These videos disturbed me at first glance. But on closer inspection, they bore me. The group behind them is all hat and no cattle. All sizzle and no steak. All Christian and no Christ. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, the news has just been fast and furious this week.  One fugitive dead and one still on the run.  ISIS attacks in France, Kuwait and Tunisia.  Donald Trump becoming the new leader of  the Tea Party.   I wonder what flag that Confederacy of Dunces will fly now that the Stars and Bars is being removed?  Oh and something about a trade bill being passed and God hating America.   That last one seems to be getting the most play over on Fox News.  Never in my life did I think I would live long enough to see the gays persecuting the Christians instead of the other way around.   That was actually a Fox Exclusive!

I read somewhere that Glen Beck has 10,000 to 20,000  pastors ready to die before gay marriage would become legal.   Funny.  I haven’t seen any obituaries printed.  Religious conviction has its limits I guess, but that really is one herd I would love to see thinned.  Of course if a government is able to show more compassion than your church, maybe you should join another church.

It’s just so odd that all this hatred and discrimination seems to be emanating from a bunch of Republicans who claim to represent Jesus.  Now there is a conundrum. As a Christian politician do you abide by the law of the land and treat others with love and respect or do you follow the teachings of Jesus and treat others with love and respect?  Such a dilemma.

I look forward to the day the Supreme Court rules that a political party can’t have a monopoly on God.  I mean it really.

 

Margaret, is it a sad day, indeed.  I was just reading the news about how America has gone against the word of God with the latest Supreme Court ruling.  I am just beside myself.  If any of those judges were to just read the bible, they would clearly see the error of their judgment in the Book of Leviticus.

Thou shalt not cut your hair roundwise: nor shall you shave your beard. (Chapter 19 Verse 27)

No. Wait a minute.  That’s not it.  It’s another chapter.  That one was used by the court when they ruled on Supercuts vs. Bad Hair Days.

Let’s see.  Oh yes, here it is:

Thou shalt not eat shrimp or lobster.  (Chapter 11 Verse 9)

Darn.  That’s not it either.  That one was used when the court ruled on The Olive Garden vs. Red Lobster.

Where is it?  Oh yes.  Leviticus Chapter 18.  Here it is:

Thou shalt not approach a women during menstruation. (Verse 19)

On second thought, Margaret, I am not sure what all the fuss is about.  If you don’t agree with gay marriage, don’t marry someone with a roundwise haircut and serve shrimp at the reception.

So now that we have that settled, let’s get back to what is really important… Racism and Hate Groups.

I tend to agree with the President.  That Confederate Flag belongs in a museum.   But freedom of expression is very important, so I also agree with Senator Lindsey Graham who says that flag is “part of who we are” as South Carolinians.  And I struggle like all of the Republican Presidential Candidates do with offending everyone who flies the confederate flag.   I think individuals who want to display that flag should be able to hang it in the back window of their pick-ups for all to see.  That way, the rest of us will know that they are Republicans and can avoid uncomfortable political conversations with them over dinner at Red Lobster.

The way I see it, you can use your bible to justify hatred, and you can use the First Amendment to justify your right to express your hatred.   Or you could pull your head out of your ass and realize that you pick and choose which bible verse to quote with as much ignorance as you pick and choose which Republican Presidential Candidate to nominate.

Call me crazy, honey, but sometimes I wonder whatever happened to common sense.

I mean it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | April 28, 2015

A Message to Whitey

Margaret – I had assumed if I wrote again, it would mostly likely be about Hillary.  But watching all this violence in Baltimore unfolding on the television moves me to write this instead.  Normally I would tell you that when it comes to racial issues, an old white woman from Georgia probably should keep her mouth shut and her opinion to herself.  In fact, that’s probably a good idea for white people everywhere because we really probably will just say a whole lot of stupid if we open our mouths right now.  But you know me, I have never known when to just shut up…

HERE IS MY WHITE STORY:

About 60 years ago my husband and I scraped together every penny we had to buy a small but lovely home in a safe neighborhood with good schools.  Our children had a lovely childhood.  They got a good education and always knew that going to college was an achievable goal.  The worst thing that ever happened in our neighborhood was a bad divorce or a scandalous affair.  Murders and robberies happened across town.  And when that happened we spoke of it in hushed tones as we smoked fancy cigarettes and drank iced tea on the back porch.   Our children all graduated from college, married and had families of their own. Our grandchildren are repeating the cycle and we even have some great-grandchildren who will continue to do well long after I am dead and gone.

HERE COULD HAVE BEEN MY STORY IF I WAS A BLACK WOMAN:

About 60 years ago my husband and I would have tried to scrape together enough money to buy a small but lovely home in a safe neighborhood with good schools.  Unfortunately the banks would not approve a mortgage for us and the neighborhood we wanted was restricted anyway.  Our children would never truly feel the American dream was about them.  The schools they attended would be poorly funded and under-achieving in every way.  As hard as I tried to hide it from them, they would know that a life of crime, drugs and violence was a real possibility and it probably would pay better than any job they could get.  Fearing authority would come more easily than trusting it.  Some of them might overcome the odds but more than likely they would repeat a life of near poverty and almost but not quites…  College would be possible but nearly twice as many of their white friends would see that happen rather than their black friends.   They would have been called the n-word in various forms many times in their life and they would know that 1 in every 15 African American men are incarcerated in comparison to 1 in every 106 white men.  When my family eventually celebrated the election of the first black President… we would have done so knowing he might be the last for many years to come.   My grandchildren and great-grandchildren might fare slightly better, but only slightly and only if they were very lucky.

Having written this, I know I should probably erase and just turn off this computer.  But you know me… This Whitey really doesn’t fully understand what is happening in Baltimore.  What I have written here is not meant as an excuse for the violence, but it certainly is a reason to look beyond the violence and try to see the truths behind it.

I know there is no excuse for violence and that it won’t solve the problem.  I know that you don’t put out the fire in your kitchen by starting one in your living room.   But I also know I have never known and might never know someone in a gang.  And I personally will probably never know anyone who has been shot at or killed by a bullet outside of a war zone.  My life is very sheltered and my opinion is, therefore, very narrow.

The images I see on television don’t even remotely relate to my reality. I am old but not so old that this is posthumous but definitely post-humorous. Yes.  I really should have just kept my opinion to myself.  Unfortunately, a 24-hour never-ending news cycle made that very, very hard to do.  I mean it… Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | November 25, 2014

Helen’s Thanksgiving Letter to the Family 2014

Dear Family,

This Thanksgiving I am thankful some of you have decided to go to a football game rather than gather for the traditional meal.  It means I have that many less gifts to buy this Christmas.

I am also thankful that I stopped calling myself a housewife years ago.  Those Botox bimbos on that Bravo show have managed to ruin an otherwise perfectly good profession.    I’d like to see the sorry excuse of a take-out meal they cook up for Thanksgiving.  Housewives my ass. Bless their hearts, most of them seem more suited for the world’s oldest profession anyway.

And speaking of the oldest profession, I am truly thankful that none of my granddaughters dress like a Kardashian.  That Kim became famous for putting her private moments on the internet web for the whole world to see.  We used to call that pornography but today they call it social media.   My goodness how the world has changed.  I’ll be even more thankful when her fifteen minutes…weeks…years….. are finally up because in my book she’s a glorified adult movie star.  I do, however, like her backside.  A woman with a healthy bottom can’t be all bad… as long as it got that way eating pie.

This year I am particularly thankful Sarah Palin never became Vice President. Bless her heart, she can’t help being stupid, but she really should just stay home.

And speaking of staying home, I am thankful that all of you are coming to my house to spend another holiday with me.  I’m a little older so there will be fewer rules.  One rule remains, however.  If you are vehemently vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, dairy free, sugar-free or just plain fat-free… don’t come.

Last year I told you there was no such thing as a gluten-free Thanksgiving.  A few of you got a little upset over that.   Well I used to have a handle on life but it broke.  So I suggest you get over it and have some stuffing.  If you can find the gluten, you are welcome to pick it out and push it aside.  We can feed it to the dog.  But if you are vegetarian there is bacon in pretty much everything so your going to starve to death sticking to your convictions.

A few years ago I switched to the 2-liter bottles of soda, hoping to cut down on the waste.   Instead of cutting down on the waste, we just increased the spills.  This year I am thankful for those new tiny cans of Coca-Cola.   After years of throwing away half-empty cans the grandkids opened and then forgot about after two sips, I’ll gladly spend a little more to give a little less.

Oh and thank goodness brussels sprouts have made a comeback.  Now I have something to feed the vegetarian… no wait.  I cook them in bacon grease.  Sorry about that.  I guess if you want a salad honey, bring your own… unless it’s Jell-O salad.  If you bring Jell-O salad to my front door, just keep walking to my back door.  You’ll find the trash can on the patio to your left.  Jell-O salad looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ under the porch and I’ve got no use for salad of any kind except chicken or egg.

We’ve got two new babies in the family this year so  I’ll remind everyone of the rules.  If you change a dirty diaper while you’re here, take it with you when you leave.  The trash man doesn’t come until Tuesday.  I don’t come to your house and forget to flush the toilet so you don’t need to come to my house and leave a pile of poop in my can.  And your children are cute but capturing their every moment on the camera is just setting them up for  that social media nightmare I mentioned above.  Put your camera away so the rest of us can relax and let a notch or two out on our belts.

As much as I don’t agree, I am aware that parenting has become optional these days.  But if I can still cook a meal like this at my age then the least you can do is humor me long enough to mange your child’s plate.  I can’t stand watching half my meal end up in the trash because your child’s eyes were bigger than your husband’s stomach.

Finally, I would like to remind you that all cell phones go into the basket in the entry way.  You can pick them up on your way out.  If I catch one kid texting at the dinner table, the turkey goes into the fridge and everyone goes home on an empty stomach.

And now that I have gotten my crankiness out of the way, let me say that I am very thankful to have you in my family.  Your grandfather, God rest his soul, loved a big meal.  We’re having the same meal his mother used to make and the one I made for him every year of our marriage: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes made with real cream, sweet corn, candied yams, roasted brussels sprouts, green beans, cranberry sauce, homemade bread, pumpkin pie, apple pie, pecan pie and a nap.

I told you not to worry about bringing anything but your appetite.  I meant it.  Really.

Posted by: Helen Philpot | October 14, 2014

Someone needs to explain to Greg Abbott where babies come from

Margaret, I hear the fall colors up there in Maine rival the beauty of my spring wild flowers down here in Texas. Well, I find that hard to believe ’cause our wild flowers are mighty pretty. Maybe we’ll have to agree to disagree. But do you know what else I find hard to believe? That Texas could have a Governor more stupid than Rick Perry or even George Bush.

I shudder to think that Tweedle Dee followed Tweedle Dumb in our State Capitol, but this confederacy of dunces is only going to get worse if we elect Greg Abbott this fall. (For those of you who don’t live here, he’s our esteemed Attorney General who is running for Governor against Wendy Davis.)

Yesterday, Abbott argued that the state’s ban on same sex marriage would reduce the number of babies born out of wedlock. Evidently, heterosexuals won’t have unprotected sex as long as Ellen and Portia can’t file jointly in Texas on the off chance they move here. Thank goodness because I had given up on the idea that heterosexuals would ever get on the condom band wagon. Bless his heart. Abbott can’t help being stupid, but he could have stayed home.

You know, my generation remained pretty quiet on the subject of homosexuality – mainly because we didn’t talk about such things. But, if truth be known, most of us probably were fine with the idea. What a shame we remained quiet as I am sure there were a lot of heterosexual marriages that would have been a great deal happier if they had not included a closeted homosexual in the union.

So why am I speaking up now? Well, I found out a few years ago that Margaret has a gay nephew and more recently that I have a gay grandson. So maybe it’s time I stopped letting social etiquette stand in the way of civil rights.

Mr. Abbott, you are a hate filled idiot who is about as useful as a milk bucket under a bull. The only thing that will reduce the number of babies born out of wedlock is comprehensive sex education in our schools. Clearly whatever you were taught is for shit if you think there is any correlation between same sex marriage and unplanned pregnancies. And for the record, if you have an issue with gay marriage, don’t get married to a gay person.

And if you don’t want another idiot as Governor of Texas, don’t vote for Greg Abbott. Vote for Wendy Davis. She knows where babies come from. I mean it. Really.

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