Margaret, I just called my friend Patricia to apologize for dipping her hair into that inkwell back in grade school.  I feel bad that I did it and I feel even worse that she no longer remembers who I am or that she one time had hair long enough to put in pig tails.  We’re getting old, Margaret.  And you know what else is getting old?  The parade of schmucks who keep running for political office.

The population of the United States is now over 300 million people.   That means that every four years, one person out of 300 million gets the honor of being President of the greatest country on the planet.  With those odds, you would think the Republican Party could have found someone who wasn’t a dry drunk like George W. Bush… or the bully in high school like Mitt Romney.   I know.  I know.  We all did dumb things when we were young.  Youth.  I miss it like I miss my waistline.  Shit happens… or in this case Mitt happened.  “Back in high school, I did some dumb things,” Romney said. “And if anyone was hurt by that or offended, obviously I apologize for that.”   Me too.  I really do feel bad about dipping Patricia’s hair into that ink well.

Mitt went on to say, “There’s going to be some that want to talk about high school. Well, if you really think that’s important, be my guest.”

Thank you Mr. Romney, I think I will.  I think I will talk about this because unfortunately we don’t seem to have solved the problem yet.  Bullying is alive and well today and it is just as inexcusable today as it was 48 years ago.  You can send your wife out to the media to laugh about your “wild and crazy” high school years but I wonder how the two of you would have reacted if one of your sons had done that that had been done to one of your sons.  Wild and crazy?  Yes, actually.  It was.  And it’s even more wild and crazy today that anyone would want to honor you with the highest office in the land. Mitt was the son of a Governor… born into a privileged life.   You can’t tell me he didn’t know any better.

Mitt and a group of his friends threw a younger boy to the ground and hacked off his hair while he cried and screamed for help. The younger student was believed to be a little light in his loafers by the way, but Mitt now claims that he didn’t know he was gay.  As if that really matters.

Mitt led the charge and did the actual hair cutting.  Maybe I am overreacting here, but I think he just might not deserve to be that one person out of 300 million to be President. Believe it or not, lots and lots of people go through their entire school career and never dip another person’s hair in ink or physically abuse another student.

I have said before, I come from a generation that doesn’t really talk much about gay people.  I remember thinking that a perfectly lovely word had been ruined.  Today, however I say, “Gay marriage?”  Why not?  Everyone should be allowed to be with the one they love.  I honestly don’t understand what all the hoopla is about.  If you don’t agree with gay marriage then don’t marry a man who dresses like Rick Santorum or has hair like Mitt Romney.  If you don’t like gay people simply ignore them.  They probably don’t like you either.  If an octogenarian from Georgia can see that, why can’t privileged politicians?

Margaret,  I really don’t think this is about being gay or the sanctity of marriage.  I think this is about common decency and what we should expect from that one person in 300 million who becomes President.  I’ll be the first to admit that I would not make a good president.  If ever an example of who not to elect there was, I certainly fit the bill.  But let’s slow down for just a second here.  He gathered a group of students.  They tackled a younger student and while that student cried and screamed for help, Mitt Romney, the assumed Republican nominee for President, cut off his hair because he didn’t like the way he looked. Does it matter if that student was gay? Would it be worse if he was black? How about if that student were a woman?  I don’t give a rat’s ass if that student were all three.  One in three hundred million.  One.

Maybe I am old school, as they say, but I really don’t think that one is forgettable much less forgivable when you want to become President.

No one is perfect.  But surely we can elect someone more perfect than that.  I mean it really.

  MARGARET:

Helen, dear, I think this all has to do with the length of time little Mitt was allowed to breast feed.  Or maybe he’s just a asshat.  Probably the latter, dear.

The Cookbook

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In 2008, the Democratic Party had a tough decision to make. Would we give America its first female President or would we give American its first African-American President? Would we turn the corner on sexism in this country or racism? Would we finally rise above hate and bigotry and make a statement that we truly are the land of the free? Either way, we would profoundly change the world for the better. And that we did. At the same time, over in the Republican camp, that party was trying to decide if you could see Russia from Sarah Palin’s kitchen window.

This year the Republicans have another tough decision to make as well. Will they decide that Mormonism is a cult or will they decide that women who use birth control are sluts? It’s a tough call. But either way we will profoundly change the definition of just how stupid is stupid. God Bless America.

Margaret, the Republicans had a meeting about birth control and didn’t include a single woman – kind of like the Catholic Church but without the funny hats. It’s like inviting Rush Limbaugh to a Jenny Craig convention or like Sarah Palin calling a family meeting and forgetting to bring the early pregnancy test sticks. Why bother?

I’ll bet you a dollar to a donut that most of the Republican men at that meeting have a bottle of Viagra in their medicine cabinet. Why is it so hard to understand that birth control makes for better healthcare for women? And honestly why is it so hard to see that Rush is a college drop out drug addict who – like most addicts – will say anything for a buck. As entertainment that’s comedy gold, but his being a powerful Republican spokesperson ought to tell you just how low the Republican Party has sunk. You just can’t make this kind of bullshit up.

I wish November would get here already so Obama can go back to fixing what’s wrong with this country.

I mean it. Really.

(You can now follow Helen on Twitter @HelenPhilpot)

HELEN:

Margaret, I think that religious freedom means that we have freedom for religion as well as freedom from religion.  Now I know you don’t worry about this stuff.  You have never questioned your religion and you never worry about the day you will eventually meet your maker.  I question my religion regularly and worry all the time.  I guess that’s why I have a fat ass and you look like a zipper when you stick your tongue out.  Which reminds me, dear, did you check on that cake recipe I sent you? I am not sure about the ingredients and Betty’s daughter is kind of mad at me about that Komen stuff so I can’t ask her right now.

And speaking of being mad, I watched that sweet Ellen – like I do every day – and discovered that one million mothers are mad at JCPenney and they are trying to get Ellen fired because she is one of those lesbians.  That sweet little girl never did anything but make people laugh and dance a little.  Every time she comes on the TV I have to get up and do a little step doodle-ditty step with her.  I just love her.  Who are these million moms anyway?  Mothers should know better.  Statistically speaking a hundred thousand of those moms are raising a child who secretly watches Ellen and would one day make a fine spokesperson for JCPenney.

All of this hatred in the name of Jesus is alarming.  It’s alarming from a million moms and it is particularly alarming from presidential candidates like Rick Santorum. He was in Texas this week talking about his faith… which always leads him to talk about abortion and gay marriage.  I swear that man worries more about vaginas and who is sleeping with whom than any normal person should.   I don’t think he is right in the head.  He told his audience that his faith is a part of who he is and it will guide him in his presidency.  Well good for him.

There is nothing wrong with a little faith keeping you on the straight and narrow as they say.  But here’s the problem I have when it is the only consideration for a presidential candidate.  My faith guides me too.   And my church has no issue with contraception and understands that sometimes abortion is a moral and scared decision that a women might make in her life.  And every week when I go to my church there are these two women who are raising two beautiful little girls and nobody in my church has an issue with their little family.  I even heard that they all went up to Canada and got married.  Now I get that Rick Santorum’s and Newt Gingrich’s church, the Catholic Church, feels differently about these things.  And I respect that.  But which church should our government follow?  Your church or my church? What about Mitt Romney’s church?

My late husband, Harold, was a Catholic.  He went to mass every Sunday until the day he left this earth.  But I can promise you that he didn’t tell me what I could and couldn’t do with my lady parts and I’m sure as hell not going to let Newt and Rick start telling me now.

And while we are on the subject, let me say a few words about all those Catholic Bishops who say they would prefer to deny healthcare to everyone rather than include coverage for contraception.  That law does not force the church to give birth control to women.  Churches and houses of worship are exempt.  This is about hospitals and universities that serve and employ the broader public, not to mention they receive federal funding.  I am sure those Bishops are clueless about these things but the typical woman spends five years pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, and 30 years trying not to get pregnant.  So you’re telling me that  a bunch of nurses have to resort to the rhythm method for 30 years  just because the hospital they work at has some saint’s name above the door?   If those Bishops get their way a female professor at Notre Dame can’t get insurance coverage for her monthly birth control but her male counterpart can slap down a $15 co-pay and get all the Viagra he wants. Well that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard all day.

I know you think I am over-reacting, Margaret, but you need to understand that it’s not just about the stupidity of some Bishops or the whining of a million clueless moms.  There are real dangers when religion gets into bed with politics.

Gingrich would outlaw all abortion with no exceptions. He signed the Republican candidate pledge which would give all human zygotes from the moment of conception the same rights and constitutional protections as human beings. He would oppose any legislative, judicial or bureaucratic efforts to define marriage as anything other than a relationship between a man and a woman… or in his case a man, a woman and another woman.

Santorum opposes all abortion including abortion for rape victims or for women who would die from continuing a pregnancy.  He considers contraception “dangerous” and favors allowing the states to ban it altogether.  According to Rick, gays are such second class citizens that they don’t deserve the privilege of marriage which is kind of odd considering those gay marriages reduce the number of abortions opting instead to adopt a lot of those unwanted kids.

Romney said Roe v. Wade should be reversed.  He says he would support a federal constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman.   He would allow gays already married to remain married but would bar any new gay marriages.  Those gay marriages are kind of like his view on abortion – at one time they were fine.  Now they are not.

Those are alarming statements and positions because all of them are based on the candidate’s personal religious beliefs and yet all of them would have devastating effects on millions of American citizens who might not share those same beliefs.   I’m pretty sure  letting gay people get married isn’t going to stop Rick Santorum or any of those million moms from following their faith.  And it would be nice if those Bishops would realize having insurance coverage doesn’t mean you have to use birth control.

I wrote once that love is about the heart not the body.  Trust me, if it was about the body a lot of us would be in a world of trouble.  You can’t legislate love between two consenting adults.  You just can’t no matter how hard you try.  If you want to save marriage, marry someone you love.  And if you don’t believe in contraception, don’t use it – and please don’t date my granddaughter.

So to any of those million moms out there who might read this, I say:    Leave Ellen alone.  Ellen hasn’t done anything except bring a little happiness into my world every day at her new time slot of 3:00 now that Oprah is gone.  You would be lucky to have your child grow into such a wonderful young woman as Ellen DeGeneres.

What a week.  On Sunday I went to church. On Monday I made a donation to Planned Parenthood.  And today, I told my son to buy my granddaughter a cute new outfit at JCPenney so that Ellen won’t lose her job.   And, just like you Margaret, I am pretty sure that God and I are right with one another.  I mean it.  Really.

MARGARET:

Well I’ll let you worry about all that, dear.  I am working on that recipe you asked about for the cookbook.  Betty drinks so I question her notes about how much butter to use.  By the way, Ellen comes on at 4:00 here in Maine which makes it hard because Howard likes to eat dinner at 4:30.

The Cookbook

(You can now follow Helen on Twitter @HelenPhilpot)

Margaret, do you remember how angry we were the day we finally realized that women’s legs are not harder to shave than men’s faces, but rather razors made for women can’t hold a candle to those made for men? And the women’s razors are more expensive to boot. I’d like to meet the asshats at Gillette and give them a piece of my mind. Did they really think we wouldn’t mind just because they made the razors pink?

And speaking of pink, this whole mess with Komen should be a wake-up call to women everywhere. Komen knew damn well that this had nothing to do with mammograms and everything to do with politics. They just thought we wouldn’t notice because the ribbons were pink. They knew what they were getting when they hired Karen Handel. She ran for office in Georgia with a campaign promise to close down Planned Parenthood. Exactly what women’s health clinics did they think we women were using for years before we started racing for a cure? Did they think that the millions of us who had gone to Planned Parenthood before we had health insurance (and even after) weren’t aware of the services we were provided? Trust me. When you go to a place and have a doctor poke around your hoo-ha, you pay attention.

Nancy Brinker, shame on you. You honestly thought your fellow women were so stupid that we would think your reason for defunding Planned Parenthood was somehow different than the never-ending cry for defunding that comes from the far right every election cycle? Well I am here to tell you that it is bad enough when it comes from the male-dominated, testosterone-filled legislatures. But when it comes from a supposedly apolitical women’s health organization, it’s unforgiveable. Your original intent when you started this organization was noble and I commend you. But honey, you have lost your way. So much so that you were willing to put tens of thousands of women in harm’s way because the Republican party wants to keep women barefoot and pregnant.

I, for one, am tired of pink razors. And I know I speak for millions of women when I say that from now on if you push us, we will push back. From this point forward, when someone says that you fight like a girl, they had better watch out. We girls know how to fight when our backs are against the wall. No longer is it acceptable that we are half the population but only 16% of the Senate, 16% of the House of Representatives and 16% of the Governors. Margaret, did you know that the proportion of women in America’s Congress is about half the average for national legislative bodies throughout the world? Well honey, you and I are not dead yet, and we sure as hell aren’t leaving this world anytime soon if the women’s movement to date has only gotten us this far.

In the past Margaret and I have stood up for Planned Parenthood. But that is no longer good enough. Today, tomorrow and every day that we have left on this planet, we won’t just stand up for them, we will stand up for women everywhere. We will vote for them. We will advocate for them. We will fight for them. And we will start right here. Right now. My grandson tells us that people from all over the nation and even from other countries read this web page blog of ours. Well, I can’t imagine why, but if you are going to read it, then you should use your head for something other than a hat rack and learn a thing or two about the real Planned Parenthood.

Yes. They provide abortion services. Deal with it because they also do so much more and we remember the world before them. It wasn’t pretty.

I called a Board Member for Planned Parenthood in my community and we had a good talk. I found out that even I didn’t know the whole story. And after you read this, I challenge you to do what she asked me to do: inform the uninformed and educate the misinformed.

Planned Parenthood provides healthcare – pap smears, breast and pelvic exams, colposcopies, treatment for sexually transmitted diseases, and birth control for both women and men – most without access to any other health care services. About 97% of their services are for this basic healthcare. If you want to talk about abortion services then you should at least know the truth. Providing that service for women who are faced with that daunting decision accounts for less than 3% of what Planned Parenthood does nationally. Less than three percent. They also provide prenatal care, vasectomies and adoption referrals. One Planned Parenthood clinic does more in a day to prevent abortions than the entire Pro-Life movement does in a year. We might not agree on abortion, but we should at least be able to agree that they should be safe, legal and rare.

If you want to talk about Planned Parenthood then talk about the thousands of uninsured women for whom the doctor or nurse at Planned Parenthood is the only health professional they will see this year. Tell them about the divorced 40-year-old woman who, for the first time, finds herself without health insurance and how she turned to Planned Parenthood to ensure that she is able to maintain her health and wellness. Planned Parenthood has never been just about sex and birth control. It has always been about ensuring women are healthy enough to care for the children they one day may bring into this world. And yes, it is also about making sure they are informed in their decisions not to bring children into this world.

Tell your Tea Party friends what good fiscal sense Planned Parenthood education and prevention programs make – that for every dollar spent providing family-planning services, $4 are saved in Medicaid costs. Remind them that more than one-third of the individuals who seek help from Planned Parenthood make less than $50 a week. That’s right – $50 a week.

If you are going to talk about Planned Parenthood, then at least have the courage to speak the truth. We knew the Komen decision was politically motivated because we know that far right politicians are the ones who continue to spread untruths and misinformation about Planned Parenthood.

Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, and Newt Gingrich all stand ready to restrict a woman’s access to birth control and her right to make her own childbearing decisions. They will cater to the far right and happily deny essential health care to millions of women. The Republican field is united in its determination to overturn Roe v. Wade; to appoint Supreme Court justices supportive of that goal; and to end government funding of any kind to Planned Parenthood for family planning services, cancer screenings and other vital health services provided to low-income women. By the way, Planned Parenthood does not receive government funding for abortions. Although for the life of me, I can’t imagine why not.

Mr. Gingrich has called for punishing judges who make abortion rulings not to his liking. Mitt Romney supported the “personhood” initiative in Mississippi that would have given human fertilized eggs the legal rights and protections that apply to people, and outlawed abortion as well as some of the most widely used forms of contraception and in vitro fertilization. For goodness sakes Rick Santorum, the candidate who won the first primary this year, doesn’t even believe in birth control at all.

If you really, honestly want to reduce abortions in this country, the last thing you want to do is vote for a Republican. If you want to reduce abortions start in your own home by educating your children. Teach your sons to respect women and arm your daughters with information about birth control. If you are so outraged by abortions that your only criteria for a presidential candidate is that he be obsessed with my uterus, then arm your daughters with all the information she needs to protect herself from all those sons who were raised by politicians in Texas and Virginia. And if you really care, make a donation to Planned Parenthood or this other organization called Annie’s List. My grandson says that if you “click” on the underlined words in the previous sentence it will take you to a place you can make a donation on the internet. It couldn’t be any easier than that.

This November, I say we show them what it really means to Fight Like A Girl. Somebody call Gloria Steinem because we’ve got some more balls to bust. I mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Clicking on those words and you can make a donation? How fancy. I hope they know what to do with yours and my checks when they arrive in the regular old mail. Don’t forget. Stamps have gone up to 45 cents dear. Why isn’t anyone outraged about that? Howard keeps mumbling something about it being privatized.

THE COOKBOOK

Obama isn’t making plans to take your hard-earned money and give it to some poor person who is sitting at home with too many kids just living high on the hog off the government. Despite what Gingrich wants you to think, Obama isn’t a Socialist. I doubt most of the Gingrich voters even know the definition of socialism. After all, it has three more letters in it than Muslim. I do know this – taxes piss everyone off. Nobody likes to be taxed. But we all kind of like our roads, schools, healthcare, national security, law enforcement, energy… Those things represent the majority of what our taxes go to. And speaking of majority, the majority of welfare recipients are children. You know, those precious little bundles of life that the Republican base likes to ignore once the cord is cut.

And now we get to hear it all over again as Mitt and Newt head to Nevada. God help our friends out West. If ever there was a time for things that happen in Vegas to stay in Vegas, this would be it. And you my poor dear, Margaret. Your beautiful state of Maine is also up this week. I’d bake you a sympathy pie, but it won’t be long before the mud-slinging gets to my state as well. At least Perry has been put down.

Mitt and Newt are beginning to bore me. Let’s talk about something else today.

Three cheers for Virginia State Senator Janet Howell who gave the Old White Guys Club a taste of their own medicine. Virginia law makers are trying to pass their own version of the Texas law that requires a woman to have an ultrasound before terminating a pregnancy. Good ‘ole Senator Howell added an amendment that would require men to have a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication. I like how that lady thinks. Considering most of them have their head up their ass, a finger up the butt just might knock some sense into their brain. I wish politicians would figure out how to run the country rather than trying to run my uterus. Am I the only one to notice the hypocrisy of the Republican party? They want smaller government all right… just small enough to crawl up my vagina!

And shame on the Susan G. Komen Foundation for letting some Republican nut case from Georgia convince them to start picking on Planned Parenthood. With men like those Virginia State Legislators in the world, we women need to stick together. The folks at Komen might want to remember that it wasn’t all that long ago that breast cancer was another one of those women’s health issues that was feared and discussed in hushed tones, as if it were shameful. Women should be allowed to make medical decisions with their doctors and not with their politicians. Planned Parenthood is one of the largest providers of breast cancer screenings and mammogram referrals in the nation, and that asshat Karen Handel over at Komen is about to find out that Planned Parenthood is also one of the most trusted names in women’s healthcare. I surely would like to introduce Ms. Handel’s ass to my boot. A boot, I might add, that walked in many a Komen Race for a Cure. Now the only walking I’ll be doing is from my door to my mailbox to drop a check in the mail to Planned Parenthood. Women turning on other women when we already have the likes of Rick Perry to deal with… Well I never.

Maybe we should stop Walking for a Cure and start Walking for Respect. I mean it. Really.

Margaret, let me see if I get this right. The political party that brought us Family Values now gives us Newt Gingrich? South Carolina likes to say that they elect presidents.  They also elected to keep the Confederate battle flag above their statehouse until this millennium so I kind of question their judgment… or lack thereof.

Let me tell you a little bit about the man who won the hearts and votes of South Carolina’s predominately born-again-evangelical-Republican-family-value voters:

Leroy Newton Gingrich was a Lutheran when he married his high school teacher at the age of 19.  He was a Southern Baptist when he divorced her 18 years later while she was in the hospital recovering from surgery.   A former staff member said that Newt felt she was a political liability because “she’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer.”  Very good reasons I am sure, but I bet the affair he was having with Marianne Ginther had something to do with it as well.  Newt “married” Marianne  in 1981.  I used quotes around that word because according to Marianne, Newt wanted an “open marriage” which is to say his divorces were getting kind of expensive.  Instead of 7 years, Newt’s itch comes around every 18 years because that’s how long he was married to his high school teacher before he had the affair with Marianne, and that’s also how long he was married to Marianne before he began his affair with House of Representatives staffer Callista Bisek.  I assume she asked him to become Catholic because they don’t believe in divorce.

Now she’s a pretty one that Callista.  She is 23 years younger than Newt and so pasty white you can almost see through her, which makes her the perfect wife for a Republican president. They married in 2000 so Callista probably needs to find a lawyer in about 6 years.   That means if Newt gets elected he’ll be well into his next affair  and his next religion in time for his re-election campaign.

Of course all this really is Newt’s private life and I am probably “despicable” for even bringing it up.  But Margaret, I find it odd that Newt takes offense to being asked about his private life when the Republican Party spends so much time worrying about my uterus and your nephew’s gay marriage.  Maybe they should care a little more about what’s going on with all the uteruses (or is it uteri) in Newt’s bedroom and leave the rest of us alone.

To be honest, Newt recently took a pledge to “uphold personal fidelity to [his] spouse”.  He explained that his earlier infidelities were – and I quote – “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country…”  Margaret, I ask you: Is that some good bullshit or isn’t it?  Makes you wonder about Herman Cain’s claim that it was the color of his skin and not where he hid his pepperoni that knocked him out.

But we don’t have to stick to Newt’s private life to find the bullshit.   The man who screwed women because he was passionate about his country, also screwed his country while acting as Speaker of the House.  Eighty-four ethics charges were filed against Gingrich during his term as speaker. After extensive investigation and negotiation by the House Ethics Committee, Gingrich was penalized $300,000 by a 395–28 House vote.   Talk about bipartisanship.  It was the first time in history a speaker was disciplined for ethical wrongdoing.

So here’s how it all stacks up, Margaret.  Herman Cain goes out because he played Newt Gingrich in blackface.  Then Michele Bachmann dropped out because Jesus told her he missed their quiet moments together.    Jon Huntsman dropped out because we already had one Mormon in the race. Rick Perry didn’t mean to run in the first place.  Ooops.   Ron Paul might still have a pulse – somebody check.   But Rick Man on Animal Santorum won Iowa.   And Mitt Today  Pro-Choice Tomorrow Pro-Life Romney won New Hampshire.   And now Newt Does This Tie Go With My Religion? Gingrich won South Carolina.

Three states and three winners so on we go to the land of the hanging chad.  This year’s Republican Primary has a very good chance of winning next year’s Golden Globe for Best Comedy.  I mean it.  Really.

 MARGARET:

Helen, dear, the only thing I know for sure is Newt Gingrich will be one challenging role for that Meryl Streep to play.

Margaret and Helen’s  Cookbook

Here’s an excerpt:

London Olympic Stadium holds 80,000 people. This blog was viewed about 580,000 times in 2011. If it were competing at London Olympic Stadium, it would take about 7 sold-out events for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

If Santorum Rick would just step aside, Newt could surge ahead of Mitt.  Or maybe it’s the other way around?  I don’t know Margaret.   What will Jesus do if he ends up with the Mormon or worse yet, the Libertarian.  My head is spinning and Jesus must be exhausted.

The Morality Play happening within the Republican Party is just ridiculous.   Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass who is the most Christian or whose wife loves him more, and I certainly don’t care how much you hate the sin but love the sinner.  Your morals mean squat to me because they seem to go away once elected.  At this point, the Republicans shouldn’t care if their candidate is a Neo-Paganist as long as he can articulate how to create jobs, reduce poverty, fix our education system and leave the world with one less war not one more.  Imagine how much more we could get done if politicians would just agree to disagree on gay marriage and abortion.  Your church doesn’t want to marry two men… fine.   My church is okay to marry two women… so be it.  Your daughter doesn’t want to have an abortion… no problem.   My daughter decides not to bring another child into the world… that’s between her and her doctor.   When the hell did those two topics become of utmost importance in the political world?

Honestly, Margaret, when is the Republican Party going to pull its collective head out of its collective ass?  When you mix religion and politics, nobody wins.  Stick to mixing Gin and Tonic I say.

Let’s all have a drink because I’m pretty sure it’s not all going to end in South Carolina.  Thanks for stopping by.  I mean it.  Really.

I guess you can’t be all that crazy  because you saw through Rick Perry.   I can only hope that Texans will finally realize what Iowans figured out in a few short months – Rick Perry is all hat and no cattle.  I only wish Rick would stay in Iowa rather than come back to Texas and “assess” the ass-whipping he just took.  The big man from Texas edged out Michele “Jesus Said I Could” Bachmann and Jon “The Other Mormon” Huntsman.  How do Republicans in Texas face themselves in the morning?

But really you do have to like that Michele Bachmann.  What a loveable little loon she is.   Totally clueless and still heading on to New Hampshire.  I like her spunk, but she’s no Sarah Palin. ( I miss putting lipstick on that pig. ) At least you could laugh at Sarah’s stupidity.  With Michele, I just feel sorry for her.  She takes those voices in her head seriously.  And those voices are telling her that people in New Hampshire are stupid enough to vote for her.  She really should give it up and join Cain on the sidelines for some pizza.  I’m pretty sure Perry already placed his order for a large, thin curst with extra crow – oops I meant sausage.

And Newt, honey, politics is a messy business.  It doesn’t matter how many negative ads were run about you.  They didn’t change a thing.   People have thought you were an ass for a long time now.  Go home, honey.  You’ve sold a ton of books.   Go home and give that current wife some new jewelry from Tiffany’s and order yourself a meat lovers to go.

Huntsman who?

So that leaves us with Romney, Paul and Santorum.  Three wise men who couldn’t find a star on a moonless night much less a family of three in a manger.  And even if they could, Romney wouldn’t be able to decide on which star to follow;  Paul would want to argue about the price of  gold, frankincense and myrrh;  and Santorum would be too busy molesting the cattle lowing in the stable.

Folks, let’s get serious.  Since 2008 we’ve reduced our wars by 50%, avoided another Great Depression, advanced women’s rights in the workplace, ended Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and passed a law intended to provide healthcare for the sick and the poor.  Not bad for a Muslim born in Kenya.  Republicans not wanting to re-elect Obama isn’t exactly newsworthy.  They like war and they hate gays, women and those damn government-cheese-sucking poor people.  But wanting to put Rick Santorum in the White House?  He thinks birth control should be outlawed.   Without birth control you’re going to have more government-cheese-sucking poor people.

This is how the Republican Party recovers from nominating Sarah Palin as VP?  Honey, that man-on-dog just don’t hunt.  If this pack is truly the best your party has to offer, maybe you should consider a new party – one where they don’t serve tea.

Forget 2012 and nominate a serious candidate in 2016.  I mean it.  Really.

Michele Bachman is crazy.  Just ask the voices in her head.  But you’ve got to give her credit for trying.  No money.  No staff.   No clue.  And yet she’s still out there plugging away.  Bless her heart.

And then there’s that guy from Oz… I mean Texas.    No brains.  No heart.  No Friends of Dorothy.    Rick Perry hates gays.  Just ask him.  He likes Tim Tebow a little too much for my comfort, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a Sunday morning quarterback kind of thing.  You’ve got to give him credit too, however.  He’s trying.    There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but Perry can’t seem to get above ten percent in the polls with all those God-fearing, good Republicans out there in Iowa.

Which brings us to that pizza guy.  When everyone went soft on Perry, it looked like Herman Cain would rise like pizza dough to the occasion – something that tends to get him in trouble..   Now that Herman has what we used to call the wandering eye – and not the kind that can be corrected with glasses. He’s got the kind that eventually catches up to you when you run for political office.  (But speaking of glasses, I really liked the pair Barbara was wearing on her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011. Of course when Donald Trump glowed on, I thought maybe it was a rerun from 1984. But that’s another story for another time.)  Herman Cain was on the show and that’s who I want to talk about. Before he sang Barbara a little song, ole’ Herman told her he couldn’t prove it, but he was pretty sure he was attacked by the media because he was a black Republican. Well, he’s half right. Republicans don’t really like blacks. In fact that political party is about as diverse and tolerant as an audience at a Celtic Women’s concert.  But again that’s another story.   As a Black Republican, Cain’s pizza was never getting out of the box.  But the media didn’t report on that.  What they did report on was the other problem with Cain – the one that had nothing to do with the color of his skin.   It had to do with how his pepperoni kept landing in places it didn’t belong. Honestly though, with as much time as the Republican party tries to get involved with a woman’s uterus, you have to wonder why a little touchy-feely is so offensive to them.  But about that black thing.   I can’t figure it out either.

So Cain got ousted and in walked Newton, the whitest and meanest politician north, south, east and west of the Pecos.  I hear he shoots his ex-wives when they get out of line or go into the hospital for cancer treatment.  But again, another story for another time.  Newton Leroy Gingrich grew up Lutheran became a Southern Baptist, and eventually converted to Catholicism.  Now that’s a whole lot of religion packed into one person.   No wonder the Republicans like him so much.  But Newt is exactly what those Tea Party Republicans say they don’t want – a fat cat politician.  The only people who made more money screwing the government than Newt were Goldman and his son-in-law Sachs – two Jews.  Go figure.   Newt doesn’t want to be President.  He wants to sell books and give speeches.   Honestly. Can we just move on? Republicans can’t elect Newt because they can’t raise taxes enough to afford his salary.

And so you have Willard Mitt Romney.  Both of them.  The Republicans really, really, really want to vote for the Romney who is tough on immigration, against abortion and can’t stand Obamacare.   Unfortunately they have an issue voting for the Romney who is soft on immigration, votes pro-choice and believes in universal healthcare.   And we can’t forget about that Mormon thing.   Is he a Christian or isn’t he?  Maybe one is and one isn’t.  Maybe he could borrow one of Newt’s religions.

But thank goodness there’s always Jon Huntsman.  He’s still in it, right?  Someone should research that.  Is he still in it?   Oh, but wait.  Huntsman is a Mormon too.  Darn those religious prerequisites.  Thank goodness Newt still has one religion to spare.

So really that just leaves us with Rick Santorum and Ron Paul.   One is fascinated with a dog having sex with a man and the other looks like a dog had sex with a man.  You know.  I really don’t have a problem with that.

Shame on me.   That was cruel.   A woman with an ass as fat as mine, shouldn’t be making fun of the way people look.  Mr. Paul, I’m sorry.  I went for a laugh and that was wrong of me.  In truth, you’re the guy who scares me the least.  Probably because you have no chance of winning and you’re the candidate most likely to run as a third-party candidate if you don’t win the GOP nomination.  That could be detrimental to the likely Republican nominee if you pull too much support from Republican voters who can’t decide between Willard Mitt Romney or Willard Mormon Romney.

I guess it’s  Merry Christmas after all, Margaret.   And a Happy New Year.   Thanks for stopping by.

And welcome home to our returning troops.   We’re proud of you.   I mean it really.