Dear Family,
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what’s leftover.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
House Rules:
- The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
- The” no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
- Cloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the HEB bakery.
- Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
- I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
- Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
- I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
- I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
- Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
- Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
- Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really. This doesn’t have to be difficult.
- Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
- Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I’ll watch what I say and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we’ll have a good time. If not, I’ll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I mean it really.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family, love how you have set your boundaries. Enjoy your family, friends and food…..:-)Hugs
By: Anonymous on November 19, 2012
at 2:13 PM
would love to visit your house at the holidays – I’d bring my Scrabble board (and dictionary)
By: Anonymous on November 19, 2012
at 2:01 PM
I wish everyone here, especially M & H a wonderfully happy Thanksgiving. Love the post!
By: Batya on November 19, 2012
at 1:40 PM
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
By: Roz on November 19, 2012
at 1:33 PM
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Helen [and Margaret] and all those who have commented here.
By: Disparaged on November 19, 2012
at 1:26 PM
So hilarious.
By: Mom in Georgia on November 19, 2012
at 1:20 PM
Happy Thanksgiving, Helen. Thanks for making me laugh when I really really need to.
By: Lindy on November 19, 2012
at 1:20 PM
Having tired of my family’s sourpuss faces at me, the family Liberal, I’m ditching them in favor of Turkey Day with one of my sons. I’m so relaxed heading into the holidays.
By: Zooey on November 19, 2012
at 1:13 PM
Reblogged this on WrAnTz and commented:
Helen, I totally agree with the spirit and sentiment of this post and believe it applies to Christmas too.
By: siskinbob on November 19, 2012
at 1:06 PM
Happy Thanksgiving, Margaret and Helen! It’s my favorite holiday and I’ve traveled across the country to be with my wonderful family. I have two rules in life, and especially at Thanksgiving: tell those you love how grateful you are to have them in your lives. And never scrimp on saying, “I love you.” I mean it, really.
By: Debra Lynn Lazar on November 19, 2012
at 1:03 PM
You Women ROCK!!
I LOVE reading your posts- have a better than great Thanksgiving!
By: Amy in New York on November 19, 2012
at 12:45 PM
Helen, you are fantastic, I celebrate thanksgiving these days on my own out of preference, but I still might come up with my own rules for my own sanity and happiness. I remember this vegetarian here having to cook a turkey for OTHER stupid people who were not grateful at ALL, and when my oven didn’t work I would drive it IN A LAUNDRY HAMPER in the passenger seat to and from a friend’s house. (I used to pray I would get pulled over so I could explain to the cop why my passenger was a seatbelted turkey. Unfortunately it never happened.) Never again. (Although strangely enough, I never felt like more of a lesbian than when I was defrosting a turkey in the sink desperately trying to pull the legs apart to get the crap out from inside screaming, “just open your stupid legs so I can stick my hand in there you dumb bitch!”) You are truly a cool person. Please don’t drop your blog ever. So far so good on living forever, right? =^) you can do it if anyone can. I mean it, really.
By: Christina on November 19, 2012
at 12:37 PM
Thanks, Helen! A very happy Thanksgiving to you.
(Showing up and asking to use the oven is a peeve of mine, too. Hello, there’s a huge turkey in there!)
By: delurkergurl on November 19, 2012
at 12:24 PM
Grandma Helen, I always look forward to your annual “Thanksgiving Letter to the Family.” As usual, it is hilarious and I loved it! Thanks for sharing it with us. Have a Blessed Thanksgiving!
By: Dee on November 19, 2012
at 12:20 PM
Happy Thanksgiving to both you wonderful ladies and your families!
Bacon grease in the green bean casserole….might have to try that this year. I’m with you on the salad, garden and Jell-O, who needs it?
By: Tara on November 19, 2012
at 12:19 PM
Thanksgiving at your house would totally rock.
By: MichaelEdits on November 19, 2012
at 12:16 PM
Very happy you guys are getting together at your house again this year! Hope your missing your Harold has subsided to a dull ache and is no longer acute anguish. Will miss the A&M – tu (:D) myself, but betcha the guys will STILL have the tv on during dinner (:( , not at my house). I will raise a glass to you and all the wonderful people who populate the porch here, you make the world more bearable! Thanks!
By: JC on November 19, 2012
at 12:08 PM
I’m thankful for you, Margaret and Helen.
By: Stephanie on November 19, 2012
at 11:59 AM
Happy Thanksgiving! I think I recognized everyone in this post within my own family! Too funny.
By: Mary Ann Morse Bleich on November 19, 2012
at 11:45 AM
aug991
I think she said that is fine with her if it is fine with the pet owner. Maybe she is suggesting that we all have to set our own priorities – a family meal or a family pet. Personally, I don’t put pets through the suffering of modern medications. I would prefer not to have that option myself at times but I realize some people’s pets are like children and I certainly agree with medicating children. To each thier own…
Gobble Gobble
By: Phil on November 19, 2012
at 11:26 AM
Happy Thanksgiving!
By: Donna on November 19, 2012
at 11:23 AM
May I please attend Thanksgiving at your house? I promise to strictly adhere to all rules!!
By: Christine on November 19, 2012
at 11:23 AM
Peanut butter in the carrot soup. . . what a great idea. ALL your ideas are great!
By: Elena Louise Richmond on November 19, 2012
at 11:15 AM
Love it! It makes me very happy that I get along beautifully with everybody I’m going to be eating with, and that I don’t have to go any farther than across the parking lot.
By: Anonymous on November 19, 2012
at 11:14 AM
Thanks for a wonderful post! One of the many things I’m thankful for this year is that I discovered “Margaret and Helen”!
By: maryz on November 19, 2012
at 11:13 AM
I love you, too, Margaret & Helen, but a pet owner is, or should be, the guardian of the pet; I applaud Rhonda, or whomever, for taking care of her cat, even while under family pressure to appear for a holiday.
By: aug991 on November 19, 2012
at 11:11 AM
I so love your posts. I am very thankful this year for many things which also includes Obama as President, the sanity of the people who elected him, Margaret and Helen, and all the posters on this site! Happy Thanksgiving!
By: etylerjc on November 19, 2012
at 11:02 AM
It’s my favorite post of the year! Thank you, Helen, and happy Thanksgiving!
And speaking of bacon…I would still be a vegetarian if it weren’t for that %*&$@! delicious stuff. Bacon. It’s the gateway meat.
By: Tine on November 19, 2012
at 11:02 AM
Happy Thanksgiving Helen and Margaret! You both made this past election season more bearable with your hilarious comments and I’m thankful for that! Health and happiness to you and yours!
By: Annie in Maine on November 19, 2012
at 10:59 AM
Sounds like it will be a wonderful day, all around. Love the rule that if other people don’t watch what they say, you’ll have a good time at their expense. Rock on!
Big hug to you…
Gato
http://www.partyandsoul.wordpress.com
By: gatodicima on November 19, 2012
at 10:59 AM