HELEN:
Margaret, I ventured into new territory today. I tuned into Fox News. It was kind of like going to the zoo… not so scary once you learn the animals can’t get out of their cages.
Just like when I go to a regular zoo, I didn’t know the names of all the animals at Fox, but I quickly learned the ones with opposable thumbs and the ability to reason were token Democrats who had, at some point, worked in the Clinton administration. The ones who liked to rattle their cages and screech at the visitors were the angry Republican hacks who seemed to be, for the first time, discovering the wonders of math.
I was surprised to see so many animals that I thought were long ago extinct. There was angry, old Lou Dobbs plodding around mumbling something about voter fraud and immigrants and Mike Huckabee being all folksy and jolly. And there was Oliver North, Liz Cheney, Haley Barbour and even Geraldo Rivera who now just goes by Geraldo like Madonna, Cher and Cavuto.
Over in a corner in a cage all by himself was the red-assed Karl Rove. Now that one scares me. When they called Ohio for Obama I heard he started flinging pooh and screaming about recounts and faulty polls.
I got a chance to spot the elusive big-footed Ann Coulter which was thrilling. Since her visit to The View, she only makes appearances when no other women are in the room. She seemed pretty at ease in the zoo. I guess that comes from all the time she spent collaborating with monkeys on those personal therapy projects she calls books. Ann seemed remarkably calm considering not only the election results but also the colossal failure that was her last book. Usually she’s shrill and fidgety but sitting there in the cage with Sean Hannity she seemed almost human.
There was a lovely exhibit of irrelevant talking parrots including Shepard Smith, Greg Gutfeld, Tucker Carlson and Mr. Van Susteren. I can’t keep all of their names straight but one of them suggested that the majority of voters are like abused housewives who voted to stay with their abuser. Most of them were squawking about Hurricane Sandy and that America was about to go over a cliff. As expected, they blamed the liberal media for handing the election to Obama while simultaneously chirping that Fox is the most watched news broadcast in the nation. I know. I know. It doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense but it’s Fox News. It doesn’t have to. While I don’t think they understand the difference between Mexican-Americans and Cuban-Americans, they seem to think that any Republican politician with a name ending in O or Z will need to be on the bottom half of the ticket in 2016 if Republicans are to take the White House back.
Every zoo has its specialty and Fox is no exception. They have the largest collection of blonde, bulemic middle school girls posing as reporters with names like Megyn, Gretchen, Cheryl and Dana… many of them openly wept as the election results came in causing a river of mascara that got all over everything.
But the real treat came when I ran across that rare but ever-lovable snow beast, Sarah Palin. She’s a bit older but still very capable of smacking her lips while rattling off those non-sensical run-on sentences like “this election if it continues the way it is going will be a catastrophic setback to our economy and to any opportunity that we would have for Supreme Court justices to be appointed who would be strict adherents to the traditional interpretation of what our Constitution says which is a blueprint towards a more perfect union.” Isn’t she precious? Honestly, I was surprised to see that she had actually survived the end-of-days calamity known as the 2008 election.
Now Margaret, I don’t suggest that you visit the Fox Zoo. The lighting is bad, the air is thin, and reality is in short supply. They haven’t cleaned the cages in years so the bullshit is everywhere. Instead let me visit occasionally and send back reports. Trust me. It’s better that way.
Unlike the zoo, trips to Fox News should probably be few and far between. I mean it. Really.
MARGARET:
Thanks dear. I’ll stick to Ellen and leave the heavy lifting to you. But next time you are there do check and see what ever happened to Mrs. Van Susteren.
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By: playdrale on April 4, 2013
at 10:34 PM
Love the pictures! Audrey’s a cutie-pie! And Maggie is poicerus, all wrapped up to stay warm.Glad you had a great weekend! We did, too; hope to blog about it soon.
By: Eraclito on December 18, 2012
at 5:42 PM
[...] Like a Zoo, Fox News Isn’t So Scary Once You Realize the Animals Can’t Get Out of Their Cage… — Margaret & Helen [...]
By: bookmarks, issue 32 | my name is not matt on December 10, 2012
at 6:02 PM
If you lived or some how got stuck in a place far from home and you could have to be next to a cougar or mountain lion that was hungry and wounded or you were starving and in search of food for sustenance and not just gluttony as westerners are used to than you might think twice of what you said in the opening caption about never needing cages
God the Creator of all things put us with a soul to protect and use everything on this earth. Read the Holy Bible, the Last Best source for all mankind. It is the only roadmap paving a way to eternity with your heavenly father. You all do have two choices you know….
By: Roger H Frost on December 1, 2012
at 4:19 AM
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By: Mike on November 30, 2012
at 12:24 AM
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By: Armus on November 22, 2012
at 12:09 AM
Gah!! Gato! We will have to disagree on the tradesman, I think he is a racist blowhard, as evidenced by his posts. I just flush w/o even reading now, his opinion is completely worthless and without merit as far as I am concerned! I hope he’s gone to his girlfriend’s and doesn’t have net service!
By: JC on November 21, 2012
at 5:36 PM
I’ve enjoyed reading everybody’s comments, yes, even those with which I don’t agree entirely. But, I am with DeLane on these ladies!
I love these ladies too, Delane, but they’re too young to be my grammas. I would love to have them as housemates. I have never felt so enlighted by what anybody said about Fox News until Helen ventured into this stark cable-tv reality.
My partner has a block on it at home, so I never get to see it there. I only see it when I’m working out at the gym. I’ve watched it several times, and here’s what I’ve noticed:
First of all, hanging from the ceiling, are five HDTV’s. As I get my cardio workout, whether on the treadmill, the stationary bike, or the rowing machine, I look up at the broadcast images that seem to be most important to Atlanta viewers. Set #1 displays CNN – - this is not surprising, given that CNN is based in downtown Atlanta. The second channel is HGTV, a home improvement channel. If I were new to the area, I’d guess that the reason this channel is on is that I work out amidst a cross-section of Atlantans who not only love to redo their houses, but enjoy as much watching other people who redo houses. There’s a seemingly infinite number of ways to install a soap dish in one’s bathroom. Screen #3 is WSB Channel 2, from Atlanta. Folks there spend a lot of time covering traffic. How many people are watching the traffic reports while driving, I ask. Lucky #4 is Fox News. I guess their audience loves that trio in the morning. Steve and Brian are good-looking enough, for sure. But, without Miss America, Gretchen, in their midst, those two fellows would be about as outstanding as shoe salesmen sitting on a lumpy sofa.
I’m sure that the real audience draw in that show is Gretchen. She definitely appeals to a certain audience of men who probably dated, long ago, women as pretty or lovely as Gretchen. But she was Miss America, which means she is trained in the fine art of poise. Thus, no matter how much that older audience wishes she would uncross her legs for a half-second, Miss America training says, “uh-uh, that isn’t going to happen.”
Oh, and channel #5? It’s ESPN. Well, it is a gym, it attracts jocks. And, it doesn’t have much in the way of politics, except when a local politician, or the president, throws out the first ball of the game.
Margaret: I hope to catch up with you on Ellen. Ever since I started working afternoons, I don’t get to see her. The last time I saw it, former president Bill Clinton was her guest. I was sitting at the dentist’s office watching it, but not too closely – - I guess I was worrying how much the new crowns were going to cost me – - but I remembered that, at the end of the program, he stood up and danced with her! I can only think of a couple of presidents who wouldn’t have stood for such frivolity. Nixon, who, after he danced with his daughter at her rose-garden wedding, vowed he’d never be seen dancing on television again. And, FDR, for obvious reasons.
By: decaturkev on November 21, 2012
at 5:21 PM
Hi, Sidney – Roll eyes heavenward… It’s that slightly simpering, “Little Lord Fontleroy” posturing that is so familiar…
Here, let me write a post for him/her: “Well, I see you prefer to attack me personally, rather than addressing the very important questions I have so thoughtfully, and kindly, presented to you. Well, that just makes me ROFLMAO, and I feel so sorry for all of you, worshipping your Diety. But it doesn’t bother ME, because I am obviously so superior in intellect and human kindness than any one of you, that I wonder why I deign to bother to approach you. But… I’m basically a kind and generous soul (unlike any of you), and I, in my magnificence, am simply concerned about all of you. So I continue to put myself out – SOLELY for YOUR ultimate well-being – but am continually rebuffed. Oh, well… I am strong and self-righteous enough so tht your cruelty just doesn’t bother me whatsoever (LOL). However, I will keep posting as long as I am convinced that it is making at least two or three of you absolutely ballistic. Not everyone would be as compassionate as I am, but I am willing to sacrifice myself… Besides, I have nothing else to do this evening… Or in the foreseeable future.”
Or something like that. I kind of miss UAW… Although I still wish he’d change his avatar to something more contemporary. Jill Kelly maybe…?
Hey, Porch Dwellers! Be ornery! Love and be loved. Eat turkey, lentils, chard (delicious), pie, yogurt, bacon, Gummy Bears, Cool Whip, organic free-range tofu, or a Butterball… Whatever turns you on and guarantees you a wonderful day tomorrow. (I just realized that the gravy I’ve planned for tomorrow requires a “broth” that has to simmer for five hours, so that’s what I’m doing…)
It’s a pleasure to be amongst you all. God bless Margaret and Helen, and all of you… And Matthew!
Gato
http://www.partyandsoul.wordpress.com
By: gatodicima on November 21, 2012
at 4:57 PM
I SO LOVE THIS BLOG!! I want these ladies as my grammy’s. These pearls of wisdom make me smile! Thank GOD I found this!
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By: Delane on November 21, 2012
at 3:40 PM
I really got under that thin skin of yours. Didn’t I little sammy man? And to accuse me of wishing you to drop dead…….I would never do that! What kind of person do you think I am? I was worried about you and would hate to see a fellow patriot choke on sour grapes while eating his thanksgiving meal for Pete’s sakes.
By: sidney18511 on November 21, 2012
at 3:17 PM
Oh Sydney – I just read your previous post. You must have been looking in the mirror when you wrote this. LMAO – this made my day –
“And if you run across them debating among themselves online and poke a little reality into the conversation they just let into you with insults, curses, predictions and their sincerest wishes that you drop dead. It’s kind of scarey, isn’t it?”
Yes Sydney – it truly is very scary.
By: Sam on November 21, 2012
at 2:26 PM
Good one Sydney – you are all alike. You can’t discuss what was in the post – you have to try the personal attack way – because that makes you feel good about yourself. You have a good day now.
By: Sam on November 21, 2012
at 2:15 PM
Erik honey these people refuse to clutter up their minds w facts. There was MEANT to be some voter fraud this time, but something went wrong in their little system. That’s why Rove went off like he did, it became clear the goods were NOT going to be delivered! Stay tuned, bet we haven’t heard the last of this!
By: JC on November 21, 2012
at 1:36 PM
There WAS voter fraud in 2004, but sadly, Gore politely pursued vindication through LEGAL means, while the Repubs even INTIMIDATED the Miami-Dade recounters to prevent any possibility of a legit recount. Combined with the Shrub’s bro as governor, and a biased and ambitious State AG in Kathleen Harris, well……. Read James Gannon’s “The Reckless Presidency of George W. Bush.”
By: Erik1986 on November 21, 2012
at 1:26 PM
Sam…..why don’t you just take your crazy and post it on another blog where you can find your own kind. We won. You lost. We are the majority. Your not.
Nobody here appreciates some fool that comes TO OUR HOUSE, to fling pooh. And you are a fool. So run along now little man and lick your wounds somewhere else. Oh…and maybe see a doctor for those delusions you are having. Have a nice thanksgiving. Try not to choke on those sour grapes you’ll be eating with your turkey.
By: sidney18511 on November 21, 2012
at 11:09 AM
Margaret and Helen – just wondering if you made fun of the Democrats back in 2004 when they screamed voter fraud. You know – just wondering since it appeared there might have been some of that going on back then. Do you think it just MIGHT be going on today? Romney didn’t get 1 vote in 59 precincts in PA? Really? I don’t think that is possible. Can you imagine what you would be writing about if it was reversed? Lol – I can!
http://www.seminolechronicle.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2004/12/16/41c2fdb042ea1
By: Sam on November 21, 2012
at 10:55 AM
My theory about the haters: the rise of the internet and cable news has emboldened the haters to be more upfront about their bigotry. They listen to the things Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck say, and they think “if he can say that, then so can I.” There is no conspiracy theory too ridiculous, no epithet so vile, that they don’t feel they now have carte blanche to use them. The ability to post anonymously in also emboldens those without scruples or self restraint to express their suppressed feelings of resentment and animosity. We cherish free speech, and I don’t know what can be done about this, but it is very disturbing. To a certain extent both sides are guilty, but to my mind the right is much more vitriolic. (I’m sure some will disagree, but that’s my opinion.)
By: Terri in NY on November 19, 2012
at 10:49 AM
Skyler-
I’m glad you liked the poem
My gravatar is just a gravatar.
I am part of a collective blog about rural Alaskan issues. I mostly do the roll-your-eyes-back-in-your-head-boring-to-most-people essays about fish law and Pebble mine and the like so am not sure you would be interested but stop by if you like.
We took our name from a crack made by our long departed and not missed ex gov SP but mostly stay out of politics.
By: alaskapi on November 19, 2012
at 9:01 AM
Hi Congenial Gang,
As usual, the election postmortem continues with the gloating and sour grapes. Throw in a tacky little sex scandal between a randy old fart and an over-the hill bimbo starved for attention as she approaches menopausal oblivion, and those topics should make for some lively discussions around the Thanksgiving table this year.
However, if it should get too contentions, I would like to recommend a fascinating article from the November issue of Scientific American Magazine by George Musser entitled “Quantum Physics – A New Enlightenment”, “Quantum theory once seemed like the last nail in the coffin of pure reason. Now it’s looking like its savior; on an American Election season.” You can Google it and read the entire piece if you are interested. The reference to the “Prisoner’s Dilemma” should give everyone something to think about without being too partisan and controversial.
We have plenty to be thankful for this year!!!!! Our Democracy prevailed, sort of, and President Obama was re-elected for another four years. I really think we will get things done now!
We will be going to our traditional “Calabash Family” Thanksgiving dinner. This has been going on for YEARS at the home of dear friends with their outdoor roofed barbeque. They do a whole pig on a spit, snout and all, and a number of turkeys. There are 40-50 of us and we all have our assigned dishes to bring. Mine are my renowned cheesecakes. Immediately after dinner is served in the late afternoon, the bountiful leftovers are bundled up and several of the men take them to a shelter. A great time is had by all!
With that, I wish each one of the M&H Family a very Happy Thanksgiving!
Aloha!
Namaste. Shalom. Saalam. Peace.
Auntie Jean
By: waialeale on November 19, 2012
at 1:45 AM
People I grew up with, ate the same cafeteria food with, drank the same San Joaquin Valley water, lived and dreamed similar dreams, now spout these views as truth. I hear the parrot heads talking the fluff of that gas bag, Rush Limbaugh, and wonder that they don’t seem able to think for themselves or read any history. I believe for many of them the idea that a black man could be president is so outside of their white insulated beliefs they will say anything to distort, block, or otherwise lend support for the betterment of the country as a whole. We are in for a rough ride in our once proud country. All around us the pedestals of value, pride and good will have been eroded by the divisive views that come through at Fox. I too tuned in election eve to listen a few minutes when the blade was dropping on the Mitt bus. Quite surprised there was no one choking on their predictions.
By: Brian McNally on November 19, 2012
at 1:41 AM
Thanks for that Alaskapi! By the way, I went in to try and read your blog tonight, but had no luck. That Gravator or whatever it is sure ain’t user friendly! I enjoy Gato’s blog and wanted to subscribe to yours. If you have any advice on breaking through the wall, please let me know! Thanks.
By: Skyler on November 19, 2012
at 1:14 AM
Skyler…..yes they do hate us, and they really really hate Obama. You have to realize that these people live in a bubble. Their news is from rightwing media outlets and rightwing websites. And they all repeat the same damn thing. Drudge will run some crazy ass headline….fox picks it up and RUNS with it for days and Limbaugh is the fat-assed cherry on the cake that swears to it. Their neighbors, friends and churches all believe the same things that they do. They know, I mean they REALLY KNOW, that Obama is a corrupt Kenyan, Marxist commie, coming to take their guns and freedoms. But the truth is……they just don’t know the truth. And have no interst in learning.
And if you run across them debating among themselves online and poke a little reality into the conversation they just let into you with insults, curses, predictions and their sincerest wishes that you drop dead. It’s kind of scarey, isn’t it?
And the GOP and their operatives fed these lies to their base for the SOLE purpose of getting this segment of the population to vote for THEM. They just jammed so many lies and bullshite down their little fearful throats, that many of the actual republican politicians and spokespeople believed it too.
Now, one thing this election cleared up for me, and I must say I was really concerned about this, was, JUST HOW MANY OF THESE NUTBALLS were out there and ready vote republican? And the answer was, thankfully……..not enough.
By: sidney18511 on November 18, 2012
at 11:50 PM