Margaret, I think that religious freedom means that we have freedom for religion as well as freedom from religion. Now I know you don’t worry about this stuff. You have never questioned your religion and you never worry about the day you will eventually meet your maker. I question my religion regularly and worry all the time. I guess that’s why I have a fat ass and you look like a zipper when you stick your tongue out. Which reminds me, dear, did you check on that cake recipe I sent you? I am not sure about the ingredients and Betty’s daughter is kind of mad at me about that Komen stuff so I can’t ask her right now.
And speaking of being mad, I watched that sweet Ellen – like I do every day – and discovered that one million mothers are mad at JCPenney and they are trying to get Ellen fired because she is one of those lesbians. That sweet little girl never did anything but make people laugh and dance a little. Every time she comes on the TV I have to get up and do a little step doodle-ditty step with her. I just love her. Who are these million moms anyway? Mothers should know better. Statistically speaking a hundred thousand of those moms are raising a child who secretly watches Ellen and would one day make a fine spokesperson for JCPenney.
All of this hatred in the name of Jesus is alarming. It’s alarming from a million moms and it is particularly alarming from presidential candidates like Rick Santorum. He was in Texas this week talking about his faith… which always leads him to talk about abortion and gay marriage. I swear that man worries more about vaginas and who is sleeping with whom than any normal person should. I don’t think he is right in the head. He told his audience that his faith is a part of who he is and it will guide him in his presidency. Well good for him.
There is nothing wrong with a little faith keeping you on the straight and narrow as they say. But here’s the problem I have when it is the only consideration for a presidential candidate. My faith guides me too. And my church has no issue with contraception and understands that sometimes abortion is a moral and scared decision that a women might make in her life. And every week when I go to my church there are these two women who are raising two beautiful little girls and nobody in my church has an issue with their little family. I even heard that they all went up to Canada and got married. Now I get that Rick Santorum’s and Newt Gingrich’s church, the Catholic Church, feels differently about these things. And I respect that. But which church should our government follow? Your church or my church? What about Mitt Romney’s church?
My late husband, Harold, was a Catholic. He went to mass every Sunday until the day he left this earth. But I can promise you that he didn’t tell me what I could and couldn’t do with my lady parts and I’m sure as hell not going to let Newt and Rick start telling me now.
And while we are on the subject, let me say a few words about all those Catholic Bishops who say they would prefer to deny healthcare to everyone rather than include coverage for contraception. That law does not force the church to give birth control to women. Churches and houses of worship are exempt. This is about hospitals and universities that serve and employ the broader public, not to mention they receive federal funding. I am sure those Bishops are clueless about these things but the typical woman spends five years pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, and 30 years trying not to get pregnant. So you’re telling me that a bunch of nurses have to resort to the rhythm method for 30 years just because the hospital they work at has some saint’s name above the door? If those Bishops get their way a female professor at Notre Dame can’t get insurance coverage for her monthly birth control but her male counterpart can slap down a $15 co-pay and get all the Viagra he wants. Well that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard all day.
I know you think I am over-reacting, Margaret, but you need to understand that it’s not just about the stupidity of some Bishops or the whining of a million clueless moms. There are real dangers when religion gets into bed with politics.
Gingrich would outlaw all abortion with no exceptions. He signed the Republican candidate pledge which would give all human zygotes from the moment of conception the same rights and constitutional protections as human beings. He would oppose any legislative, judicial or bureaucratic efforts to define marriage as anything other than a relationship between a man and a woman… or in his case a man, a woman and another woman.
Santorum opposes all abortion including abortion for rape victims or for women who would die from continuing a pregnancy. He considers contraception “dangerous” and favors allowing the states to ban it altogether. According to Rick, gays are such second class citizens that they don’t deserve the privilege of marriage which is kind of odd considering those gay marriages reduce the number of abortions opting instead to adopt a lot of those unwanted kids.
Romney said Roe v. Wade should be reversed. He says he would support a federal constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman. He would allow gays already married to remain married but would bar any new gay marriages. Those gay marriages are kind of like his view on abortion – at one time they were fine. Now they are not.
Those are alarming statements and positions because all of them are based on the candidate’s personal religious beliefs and yet all of them would have devastating effects on millions of American citizens who might not share those same beliefs. I’m pretty sure letting gay people get married isn’t going to stop Rick Santorum or any of those million moms from following their faith. And it would be nice if those Bishops would realize having insurance coverage doesn’t mean you have to use birth control.
I wrote once that love is about the heart not the body. Trust me, if it was about the body a lot of us would be in a world of trouble. You can’t legislate love between two consenting adults. You just can’t no matter how hard you try. If you want to save marriage, marry someone you love. And if you don’t believe in contraception, don’t use it – and please don’t date my granddaughter.
So to any of those million moms out there who might read this, I say: Leave Ellen alone. Ellen hasn’t done anything except bring a little happiness into my world every day at her new time slot of 3:00 now that Oprah is gone. You would be lucky to have your child grow into such a wonderful young woman as Ellen DeGeneres.
What a week. On Sunday I went to church. On Monday I made a donation to Planned Parenthood. And today, I told my son to buy my granddaughter a cute new outfit at JCPenney so that Ellen won’t lose her job. And, just like you Margaret, I am pretty sure that God and I are right with one another. I mean it. Really.
Well I’ll let you worry about all that, dear. I am working on that recipe you asked about for the cookbook. Betty drinks so I question her notes about how much butter to use. By the way, Ellen comes on at 4:00 here in Maine which makes it hard because Howard likes to eat dinner at 4:30.
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