When I listen to the conservative leadership of today – Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Sean Hannity, my moron of a neighbor Jerry… – it seems clear that they no longer stand for anything but rather against everything. Except for torture. They seem to be all for that. But everything else seems to be no, no, no! One thing is for sure – they hate change. Which is too bad for them because trust me when I say that change - like shit - happens.
Actually, they are fine with some change. They really seem to enjoy changing history. Take for example, two other shit for brain conservatives named Dick Cheney and Bill Bennett, who seem to think waterboarding isn’t torture. That’s funny because when my Harold came back from WWII, we were all pretty clear on that form of torture. If my memory serves me correct – and it does – we convicted some Japanese soldiers for just that very reason.
But Dick and Bill aren’t as old as they look – and they look really old. WWII was before their time. But we actually courtmarshalled one of our own for participating in waterboarding during Vietnam. Things might be more clear for Dick and Bill if they actually served in the armed forces – alas they didn’t. In fact, Dick applied for and received five draft deferments instead of serving in Vietnam. See Dick and Bill. See Dick and Bill run. Run Dick. Run Bill.
These morons have nothing left to offer. There are no solutions for peace. Instead we must always be ready for war. There are no solutions for poverty, instead we must carefully protect the wealth of the wealthy. There are no solutions for the environment, instead we must simply put our heads in the sand and pretend that life goes on forever – unchanging and without consequence. No wonder these guys look bloated and constipated. They’re full of shit, and lots of it.
American values (and Christian values) change. We once valued slavery. We once burned people at the stake for witchcraft. We once looked the other way while Priests molested children. American-made cars used to last forever. Joan Rivers used to look like Joan Rivers. Hell, we once actually thought Rush Limbaugh was funny. But like I said, shit happens.
Every parent who has ever raised a child knows that change is inevitable. They learn from you – how to love as well as how to hate. They listen to you – the truth as well as the lies. They fall. They get up. But eventually they decide for themselves who and how to love or hate as well when and how to lie or speak the truth. My grandchildren are no more like me than I am like my grandparents. Goodness sakes, I certainly don’t make my own butter and, when I shit, it’s in the comfort of an indoor bathroom with all the modern conveniences.
Now that I think about it, there is one thing that never changes and that’s shit. Shit always happens. And shit always stinks. Other than that, change is inevitable. Children grow up. Grandparents die. Life goes on.
I’m 83. For most of my life, I drove a big car and watered my lawn in the middle of the day. Now I think twice about how I live because I realize life goes on and my grandchildren will be here long after I am gone.
For most of my life I never gave much thought about gay people. Now I watch Ellen and really hope she and Portia are happy together. What do I care if gay people want to get married.
For most of my life I really didn’t care too much who ended up in the White House. Then one day a lunatic took up residence and started an unnecessary war, condoned torture and made me ashamed of my country. So now I pay attention… because shit happens. Really. I mean it.