Margaret and Helen

Margaret, chapter 5 is a real lulu, but I definitely think Ann Coulter wrote this one by herself.  I know that I have suggested a couple of monkeys and possibly a sloth wrote the first four chapters, but this one sounds like the diary of an angry middle school girl so it must be Coulter.  You can almost hear her screaming “Why don’t you like me?” on pages 136 to 181.   Well, it’s just sad really.  You almost feel sorry for the “girl”… almost.

Coulter – who has never been married – makes the case that Republicans lose elections because at least one of their ex-wives is sure to tell a lie about them during the divorce proceedings.  That horrible liberal media will then use that lie against them years later when they are running for office.  It’s a tough argument to make but fortunately for Ann the party of family values and traditional marriage has a lot of candidates who are poor examples of both.

According to Coulter, Obama only became President because most of the “guys” he ran against were divorced – some of them more than once.   Lucky for Obama that he is happily married.  By the way,  I put the word “guys” in quotes to emphasize another little theory that Coulter has going.   Any Republican who isn’t man enough to use negative campaigning to beat a Democrat is (and I quote) “a swishy, mealymouthed, gutless, sitting-down-while-urinating, spineless girly-girl…”  Now that is pure poetry.  There is no way a monkey could have written that even if the sloth was helping.  That, dear Margaret, is pure Coulter.

Throughout Chapter 5: They Got the Sex, We Got the Scandal,  Ann is obsessed with the sex lives of  politicians.  It’s all she seems to talk about.  I have to admit that I blushed more than once reading Ann’s tawdry descriptions.  In fact, there was this one politician named Bill Clinton who evidently had an affair or two or three, and Ann just can’t stop talking about it.    Apparently it didn’t get enough media coverage and that doesn’t sit well with Ms. Coulter.  It’s almost as if  Ann is a bit upset that this Clinton guy didn’t try to have an affair with her.

But while Clinton should have been thrown in jail for his sex scandals, Senator Larry Craig and Congressman Mark Foley didn’t do anything wrong because they didn’t actually have sex.   Craig merely tried to have sex with a stranger in an airport bathroom and Foley merely tried to solicit sex with teenage congressional pages.   Evidently getting caught before they were actually able to make good on their intentions isn’t fair in Coulter’s world.   Gee.  I wonder how she feels about attempted murder?   After all, nobody is dead yet.

[If you haven't read the book or don't know Ms. Coulter personally, you might think that I am misrepresenting her words.  For that purpose I wish to quote her here without edit:  "Consider that Republicans Jack Ryan, Larry Craig, and Mark Foley were all forced to withdraw from politics for sex scandals that didn't involve anyone actually having sex."   I am not clever enough to make this stuff up.  Coutler does it for me.]

At 46 pages,  this is Coulter’s longest chapter in the book, which doesn’t say anything really other than Coulter takes longer to make her case than a couple of monkeys.   But if you give Coulter enough pages eventually she gets around to the smartest, most politically astute Republican ever to run for office- Sarah “I saved Alaska from the Russian invasion”Palin.   According to Ann, the media went looking for a sex scandal on Palin and didn’t find one.  Without a sex scandal to hold her back, Palin is the ideal candidate.  Because for Coulter, that is the benchmark.  If a Republican doesn’t have a sex scandal hidden among all the other skeletons in their closet then there is no excuse for them not to be voted into office by a landslide.  Now that benchmark seems a little low to me, but if your knuckles drag the floor like Ms. Coulter’s, most things tend to appear loftier than they really are.

The chapter goes on and on, taking lots of turns and unexpected departures from the initial theme of sex.  Obama’s lack of torrid affairs, ex-wives or salacious emails to teenage boys  gives Ann a real challenge.  How do you make a case against him if he’s  just a decent guy.   That is so unfair.  But never fear.  Ann has Obama’s number.  Mark Foley might have tried to seduce teenage boys but Obama compared Palin to a pig when he used the age-old expression, “You can put lipstick  on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”  Nevermind that Obama was referring to McCain’s campaign strategy and nevermind that McCain had used that very same expression to discribe a policy proposal of Hilary Clinton’s.   Ann is quite certain that Obama was referring to Palin because everyone knows when you are talking about lipstick on a pig you are really talking about Sarah Palin.  Because Sarah Palin is a pitbull with lipstick… no I mean a pig with lipstick… no I mean a pig that looks like a pitbull… no I mean… I mean Sarah Palin is either a pig or a pitbull wearing lipstick.   Finally Ann and I can agree on something – if a pig, a pitbull and Sarah Palin were all standing on a street corner, I would have trouble telling them apart too.

Margaret, I ask you,  if a book falls in the forrest and doesn’t make any sense, is it really a book?  And if it’s not really a book then the monkey who wrote it really isn’t an author… right?  I guess what I am trying to say is this -  if Ann Coulter makes up a lot of crap and puts it on a piece of paper how is that any different than what I do with a  roll of Charmin after my morning bran muffin?

Five chapters down and two to go.  It’s messy work but somebody has to do it.  Thanks for sticking with me.  I mean it. Really.