Margaret and Helen

For those of you just joining us, I am summarizing Ann Coulter’s new book for my friend Margaret so she doesn’t have to buy it herself.   It’s kind of my version of Cliffs Notes except I call it Hell ‘N Notes because reading an Ann Coulter book is like visiting hell… only this time the devil wears Prada in a ladies shoe size 17.  They should give me a medal for this kind of sacrifice!

Chapter 2 – Victim of a crime?  Thank a single mother

Now Margaret this next chapter is fantastic.  It is some of the most creative writing I have ever read.   You probably had to have been dropped on your head a few times as a baby to follow her logic, but clearly Ann’s head doubled as her father’s basketball while growing up because she seems to actually believe what she’s written.

Let’s start first with the title of the chapter - calling upon victims of crime to place the blame on single mothers.  Considering her entire first chapter was a thesis on how there are no real victims in the world, I am left scratching my head. Which is it Ann - victims or no victims?

According to Ann, single mothers give birth to the lowest forms of life ever to walk the face of the earth.   And again I am left scratching my head because at the same time she makes the case that we shouldn’t teach children about birth control.  And then, for no apparent reason except that maybe she gets paid by the word,  she throws in a paragraph or two about how abused women have only themselves to blame because they date bald men with tattoos and everyone knows that bald men with tattoos abuse women.  Conclusion – don’t date Bruce Willis?   Ouch.  My head hurts reading this shit.

I am only on the second chapter which means that Ann has five more chapters to outdo herself.  However, I find it hard to believe she can top this next part as her crownning achievment as a bitch: on pages 51-52 Ann lists seven cases of single mothers killing their own children.  In two of the cases Ann found it appropriate to make a joke.  No kidding.  She made jokes about murdered children.  Don’t believe me?   I’ll type one of the cases here without edit:

In 1998, twenty-five-year-old single mother Tami Lynn Richards left her two children, three and one and a half years old, alone in their apartment while she went to a bar to drink and listen to a band.  One of the boys set a fire when he was playing with matches he found in the apartment.  Both boys died.  On the other hand, from what I hear, the bar band was pretty awesome.

Gee. Do you think that Ann came up with that last joke before or after she danced on the kids’ graves?  I find it odd that she is making the case that children of single mothers overwhelmingly grow up to be criminals and yet argues the case by giving examples of children of single women who were murdered long before they grew up to become these reputed criminals.  Seriously folks, this is one hell of a messed up broad.  Applying some of Ann’s amazing logic, I can now emphatically declare that all skinny white bitches with abnormally large feet named Ann Coulter grow up to hate children.  And if you give me enough time I am sure I can site a report or study to prove that point.

But truly Ann is one  of the great “thinkers” of our time.  She doesn’t just list what is wrong with the world;  She also has the answer that will make everything right again.  Her well thought out solution?  Keep your knees together before marriage.

I had to put the book down and go over to the computer to look something up at this point – OK, got it.   Ann Hart Coulter was born on December 8, 1961.  She has never married.  So Ann is 47 years old and hopelessly single.  Conclusion – men don’t want to have sex with a bitch who has enormous feet.  So back to the book…

I read the rest of the chapter because I said I would and I do what I say… regardless of how much it hurts.  But Coulter is some kind of crazy and it is hard to sum it all up without sounding like I am  being unfair to her.  In truth she makes some very interesting observations.  Of course, some people find war reenactments interesting so it’s all kind of relative if you think about it.  Here are a few examples of Coulter’s brilliant mind at work:

Single mothers are worse than cigarette companies – page 59

Children of single mothers become rapists and serial killers – page 61

Shotgun weddings should be celebrated – page 71

Ann Coulter has gigantic feet – jacket cover

Actually you can’t see her feet on the jacket cover but you know they are there, big as ever.  Basically Ann’s entire argument consists of finding a few dozen cases where a single mother or her child made a really bad decision and then conclude quite literally that single mothers in general are the absolute worst problem facing the world today.  Evidently she hasn’t paid much attention to the little problems we are facing like war, pestilence, famine and Sarah Palin.  By the way, isn’t Sarah Palin’s daughter a single mother? I wonder how long before the grandkid grows up and kills someone?  The hypocrisy is frightening.  But I am sure Ann must have her reasons for spewing so much vile and misleading information.  Of course, until I have actually walked in her shoes, I will never fully understand the burden of freakishly large feet and how that might warp one’s outlook on the world.

For those of you who think I am being a bit hard on Ann and in particular her gigantic feet, let me spell it out for you.   You know what they say about big feet right?   Well, in Ann’s case the shoes fit.  Here is the other joke she made about murdered children.  Reprinted without edit:

In 2003, single mother Amanda Hamm, twenty-seven years old, drowned her three young sons, aged six, three and twenty-three months, so she could move to St. Louis with her boyfriend.  It would have been a lot of trouble to bring the boys with them.  Apparently, the prospect of hearing “are we there yet?” for eight hours was just too daunting for Amanda.

So you tell me.  Am I being too hard on her?

Well Margaret, that brings us to the conclusion of another chapter from the best selling author, Ann Sasquatch Coulter.  I think I’ll go pour myself a strong drink and pull out my fingernails.  But do come back soon because I will eventually find the strength to read the next chapter. I mean it.  Really.