We have a great deal to be thankful for this year. A president-elect smart enough not to stand in front of a turkey slaughter for a news conference ranks right up there on my list. And speaking of which, the first time I watched that interview with Sarah Palin, I paid more attention to the turkey being slaughtered than I did to the idiot talking turkey. So I got to see it on the news shows this weekend and my God but that woman is stupid. My favorite part was when she started talking about the effects of dropping oil prices on the Alaskan economy. Seems she likes a diversified state economy about as much as she likes a diversified political party. With all do respect to my dear friends in Alaska, you axed the wrong turkey this year.
I am also thankful for my family. I love each and every member. And now I have about a million more of you to be thankful for. You’ve given me and Margaret a new lease on life. Thank you. Margaret is off to Vermont to spend the holidays with family. She sends her love.
So on to my family letter for Thanksgiving. It may seem harsh to some of you – heck my not wanting to see a 4 year old breast feed seemed harsh to some of you – but the family keeps coming back each year so I must not be all that bad. I learned years ago that you should say what you mean. To do any less is an insult to your loved ones.
Now every year we go through this song and dance about who is going to be where for the holidays. Clearly this year many of you are afraid that Harold’s precious Longhorns are going to beat the crap out of your precious little Aggies. And because of that a few of you have made alternative plans for Thanksgiving. Well, I have this to say about that. I am almost 83. How much you love me is indeed determined by how often you visit during the year. And how much I love you determines the amount of presents you’ll have under my Christmas tree next month.
Evidently horseshoes and washers aren’t exciting enough so Tyler and Jennifer have decided to take the kids to Disney World with their neighbors. I hope Disney is the gift that keeps on giving because there will definitely be a small pile under the tree for you two. Not to worry about Brian and Sylvia. They’ll be taken care of because they really didn’t have a choice in the matter. But if I hear one word about how good the turkey dinner is at the Magic Kingdom, all that could change. Tags on gifts are like channels on the television. They change when I don’t like what I see.
Harvey and Trudy are headed to Dallas. One of the kids gets married and suddenly you’re a family unit that just can’t be separated for the holidays. Oh brother! Well I hope all the wedding bills have been paid because that special envelope in the stockings just got post-dated until next year.
To everyone coming I say welcome. I think last year went pretty well considering Mary was pregnant and ate us out of house and home. Someone bring an extra ham in case she is still eating for three or four or eight. Harvey is not coming this year so no need to bring extra beer.
Remember there are a few house rules:
#1 If you put it on your plate, it better end up in your mouth. Last year I threw away enough food to feed the population of Wasilla. That is just wasteful.
#2 If you pop a top on a can of soda, please drink the entire can before popping another top. Last year after you left I found 32 half empty cans of soda around the house and my drink refrigerator out back was almost empty. What idiot really thinks that is appropriate? Besides being such a waste, I can’t just throw those cans into the recycle bin. I have to empty each one of them down the drain before I can throw them out. And while I am on the subject, I put coasters out for a reason.
#3 Our trash pick up is the day before Thanksgiving. If you bring a kid in diapers, leave with the kid and the diapers. I don’t need used diapers stinking up my garage until the trash men come the following week.
#4 If I told any of you not to feel like you needed to bring anything, what I really meant to say is don’t bring anything. Last year Aunt Cloe’s jello mess just ruined my entire presentation. And more than a few of you felt you needed to try it to make her feel better. What you didn’t realize is that more than a few of you used my dogs to correct your mistake. Poor babies were sick for days.
#5 Speaking of dogs. Yours has a home. Leave it there.
#6 I don’t own a trampoline. It’s called a sofa. Your feet have no business being on it.
#7 The good china and crystal is not for family. It’s for special occasions.
Now all that said, you know I love you. Come and enjoy yourselves. We’re having the usual turkey, stuffing, gravy, ham, mashed potatoes, candied yams, cranberries, corn, green bean casserole, peas, rolls, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, apple pie and Maw Maw’s German twist cookies.
Matthew feel free to bring those stuffed jalapenos we enjoyed so much last year. Of course, two hours after you left your Grandfather was reminded that he enjoyed them a little too much so don’t feel like you need to bring as many.
Eat until you are full and then take some home with you. Harold says they moved the game back to Thanksgiving day instead of the day after so all of you can stay and watch it on that new big TV in his den. As for me, quilting lessons are free of charge if anyone is interested.
See you soon and don’t park in the driveway. The kids use it to play basketball.
[Note From Matthew: Yes. This is the letter she sent out this year. My Grandmother is famous for her holiday letters to the family because she really hates those traditional ones people send out with their Christmas cards. To read the letter she sent out last year click here. ]